Chino

This is going to be long.

In my home it was wonderful and full of love, joy. My daughter spent a couple of hours making these cute cupcakes with edible turkeys on them. I think cupcakes have replaced Big Macs as her comfort food

When it was time to pray she was chomping at the bit and asked to say it this year. That took us all by surprise because she's straddled the line between being an atheist/deist for most of her 21 years. Her prayer was so beautiful we all had tears in our eyes and fought actually crying.

The sad part is because of my mom. She and my 46 year old sister have always been codies, though there's no substance abuse. My sister has been married 4 times, has two beautiful boys, and is probably mentally ill. She's always refused therapy because nothing is ever her issue. She has no friends any more. She manipulates and lies to get whatever she wants and this has going on for about 26 years if not longer. Recently she has run into what probably is her first brick wall. My mom is dedicated to trying to fix it.

My mom hasn't come to see her granddaughter yet (my RAD) after that nasty wreck. She kept saying she was trying but there's been one excuse after another. We insisted on buying her a plane ticket but then she found another excuse. My daughter really wants to see my mom and tell her about this damned addiction. At this point I'm not sure that's a good idea.

My mom and I have never really been close, she was never a mommy to me. Thankfully many of my family members saw it from the start and actually talked with me about it when I was younger. It was liberating and helped me keep putting one foot in front of the other.

That doesn't stop the sadness though. The relationship I have spent years working at with my mom is almost gone. We don't talk about my sister because she's in denial, 70 years old, and it's too much drama for me. In other words, we don't talk about much at all because my sister is her addiction.

I'm using every recovery tool I have towards letting go. I'm going to regular sessions with my therapist and finally cried about it Wednesday. We were talking and all of a sudden I felt it, told him "oh crap here it comes!" I didn't know there was so much pain inside me about my mom. 44 years of it.

This morning I read something: Conflict precedes clarity.

I have my daughter back for today and never had my mom.

I needed to release some pain today about this and am grateful to have a safe place to do it. Thank you SR.

Freedom1990

Oh Chino! :ghug :ghug

I understand that sadness, the sadness that comes with the clarity of recognizing you never had the mother every child should have.

It is the same with me.

It is so hard for me to watch all the crazy-making behavior between my mom, my dysfunctional brother, my oldest AD, and there just isn't a darned thing I could do about it, you know?

It's okay to be sad. It's also okay to be grateful that we have the choice not to remain in the bondage of dysfunction.

I feel your pain. ((((hugs))))

Chino

Thank you. My mom is a incredibly intelligent woman who was abandoned by her mom. She overcame so much to get where she is, putting herself through college, working hard all her life, and always maintaining her dignity with class. She's a warrior and a survivor. And that makes it all the more sad to watch her sinking further into my sister's chaos.

I always said I wasn't going to make the same mistakes with my daughter that my mom did with my sister. But I did make some of the same mistakes and probably for the same reason -- fear. When I realized it I wanted to share that with my mom, tell her I understand, but there's not much sense in doing that when she's so far into denial.

I'm going to keep working on my recovery and continue to thank God for what I do have, because it's a lot

Impurrfect

(((Chino)))

Talk about a rollercoaster...feeling sad AND grateful all at the same time!

I'm sorry that your relationship can't be what you want it to be with your mom and your sister, but it's your recovery that allows you to accept that. It doesn't make it any easier, but it does allow you to move on.

I'm so glad you had such a great day, yesterday. I'm not taking anything away from your RAD's awesome recovery, but I do believe that HER recovery is enhanced because she has such a great role model in you!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Ann

Chino, I'm sorry for your sadness and hope you can get past the issues with your mother. I have dysfunctional people in my family too and I have turned my sadness and anger into compassion, because in the end, they are the ones who have to live with it.

I think we were raised on too many shows like the Waltons, because in real life I have yet to meet a family that even comes close.

Happy Thanksgiving, and may this year be filled with blessings for you and your family.

Hugs

Chino

Thank you for your kindness, encouragement, and understanding. I've never really talked about the rest of my family with my therapist, it's always been about my immediate family. Usually when I leave he asks if I want to schedule or call. This time he scheduled me for a return visit without asking and I thought yuck, he's found fertile ground and is ready to dig. I need to visualize a pretty garden in the Spring, bearing the fruits of my labor

grateful2b

(((Chino)))
this is very close to my heart ...I had a mother but never a mommy and I think about how that loss affected my own role as a woman and a mom ....the healing of 'my mother's heart took a long time and caused my daughter so much unnecessary pain...but I can say that now, I have a relationship with my 82 year old mother based on respect and acceptance. I have forgiven her, her lack and I and my daughter have survived the generational damage...
our mothers can only be what they know...
you say that your mother is a warrior and a survivor...I think that is one of her gifts to you...
my mother did not give me the love and security I so desparately needed , but she gave me other gifts that I cherish....
I feel you so much on this , Chino, and I pray that you will journey safe and strong and true to the other side of this pain and I trust that you will because you are your mother's daughter...a survivor
hugs, Grateful

cassandra2

Thinking of you and your family. Saying a prayer too.

greeteachday

(((((Chino))))))
I'm sorry you are experiencing this sadness, but so glad you are able to face the pain and are working through it.
I just came from spending several hours with my daughter, helping her pack for a move with her BF to start another step in her journey. On the drive home I was thinking about how close we are and how much we enjoy each others company. I'm so grateful I have been able to be a mommy to her..that no matter what has happened that bond has always been there. I read in your posts how despite, or perhaps maybe because of what you have experienced with your mom, you have such a close bond with your daughter.

sleepygoat

Thanks for sharing about your daughter and the prayer - very hopeful to hear stuff like that. As far as other family dysfunction - jeesh, I wonder if the Pilgrims and Indians had stuff like this going on? They must have.

Chino

You've just given me another piece to the puzzle.

I've left a lot out of my posts about what's going on so I'll fill in a little. My sister met her current husband online, then in person when she went to Germany on a vacation three years ago. Two weeks after she came home, he followed and they married within a few days. They seemed really happy.

A few months ago he moved back to Germany and my sister was going to follow after packing all their stuff. She didn't count on the kids' dad saying no, he wouldn't allow her to take them with her. A judge sided with him after an emergency hearing. It's gotten really ugly and distressing since then.

Backtracking more... about four years ago my sister met another guy and decided to take an impromptu vacation with him, leaving her kids in the care of our dad, who had just had his leg amputated two months before that. She kept changing the date of her return and it was hard on my dad and stepmother. When my dad, for the first time ever, asked me for help I exploded on my sister and bought her a plane ticket back from the west coast.

A couple of months after that my sister talked about moving and going to school out there, said she'd leave the kids with their dad. We all talked her out of it for the sake of the kids.

Back to the present... she's flown back and forth to Germany a couple of times since her husband left, never giving anyone a concrete date when she'll return. Her husband pays the flights but my mom has paid for all the attorney's fees, etc. The kids have been with their dad and everyone is in limbo. My sister came back the other day but she still hasn't let anyone know if she's staying or going. Her husband is not moving back to the States. My mom is being crushed under the weight of it all and the boys are fighting depression.

Innocently enough, on her birthday my daughter asked my mom if my sister had abandoned the kids. My mom was really angry with me for allowing thoughts like that in my home, but I refused to do the dance. One of my cousins told my mom there's a lot of history and it's why everyone is wondering. My mom has told my sister what everyone is thinking and is feeling sorry for her.

My therapist told me it was very possible my mom can't accept that my sister is on the verge again, because she herself was abandoned. That her telling my sister how everyone is slandering her (her words) is a subconscious plea not to abandon them. Prove us all wrong, so to speak.

And then I read your post, greet. After my mom and her brothers were adults, my grandmother began to allow them into her life. The oldest brother gave up after the attached strings damn near choked him. He became an alcoholic and found recovery almost literally the day he asked her to leave his house and never come back. The other brother spent most of his life in prisons and has been fine since she died. My mom kept chasing after my grandmother for love and approval up to the day she died.

When my sister was born my dad was stationed overseas and my mother was alone a lot. The bond my mother made with my sister when she was born was probably fueled by her own abandonment. It left very little room for my dad or me when I came along.

greet, I think you and my therapist both hit the nail on the head and I feel enlightened. I was really reluctant to post about all of this and started a topic last night, then changed my mind. I'm glad I went ahead and posted about it because I'm finding understanding and acceptance with all your help. No wonder my therapist is anxious for me to come back and I bet I learn a lot more about everything.

sleepy, you made me laugh because I am Native American Indian. Dysfunction is as old as dirt! My tribes dealt with this type of thing in a very harsh manner and I know the pilgrims did too.