cassandra2

I didnt think he would try and contact us for Thanksgiving because a small part of me wished he would have. The last conversation I had with him was on Wednesday when he told me that his only responsibility was our baby not the other kids. He said he couldnt take care of them. I read all of these posts about addicts contacting their families and begging to come home or trying to see if the door is still open and mine doesnt.

I really am kinda brokenhearted about it because I always thought that once he was in rehab they would help him address his issues. He isnt. Or maybe he is and really just doesnt want the love and security that we had as a family. I dont understand why his therapist hasnt contacted me and wants me to come in for counseling. I have seen that with other addicts.

Why doesnt he want to come back. We had a good life before all of this. His using and lying was the problem. I love him so much and even after everything that has happened my kids still love him. Why doesnt he love us?

On Wednesday he said "ya know I am sorry things didnt work out between us but ya know the baby is my responsibility and thats it". He NEVER believed that before. In fact last month when he still had his pills he was telling my kids that when he moved they could all come spend the night and come after school and blah blah. I find it hard to believe that now this month EVERYTHING has changed and he no longer wants anything to do with the kids.

I am just hurt so badly. I really want to work things out with him and be a family again. He just doesnt want that. This is going on 3 weeks now that he has been in rehab why arent they addressing these issues. The break up of his family is the direct result of his drug use.

Somebody please help me to understand all of this....

blizzard77

Cass,
I don't understand it myself but I can share my experience with you. Fortunately, we do not have children together but we may as well since my step kids have been though this before and have expressed their desire to remain in my life.
He probably does love you and the other kids deep down inside. But his being able to love is limited because he doesn't love himself or he wouldn't be doing what he does to himself with the drugs.
I thought when my AH went to rehab it was going to be a miracle cure and all would be well again. Wrong!!!!!! He didn't really want sobriety he did it to keep me, IMHO. Then he resented me for it.
I did find when I showed I was vulnerable he pounced on it. Usually by directing blame my way and making me think I was wrong for expecting a "normal" life. It's been a long time and he hasn't changed a bit. His actions are predictable and so are mine concerning him. I can't changed him and the path that he has chosen but I can change myself and the way I deal with him. It throws him off when I change the way I deal with him. I know he loves me but he was never able to give me what I deserved. He is selfish, self-serving, self-righteous, cocky and dishonest. I was able to see that before but I kept thinking of the man he could be. The man he probably wants to be deep down inside. I know it hurts to discover that this man you love so dearly and with all your heart has cast you and your kids aside for the time being. You know deep down you deserve better, the kids deserve better. Stay strong.:praying

jerect

Three weeks is not really a long time to make any real changes in the way of recovery. You have to remember that even though he may be techincally clean that he still has the mind set of an addict and probably will for sometime down the road. I spoke to a guy the other night who has been sober for almost a year and seriously working a program for that same amount of time.. he told me for the first time in his life that he had to actually "feel" his feelings instead of numbing them with pills and that it is a scary scary process..

What I'm saying may or may not make a lot of since but I think it comes back to acceptance.. we have to accept what is and try not to figure out why the addict in our life is doing the things that they are doing.. Addicts are not capable of loving anyone including themselves.. I would give your situation time.. your addict may be confused about what he is feeling because for the first time in a long time he is being forced to feel and he may not know how to process it yet...

I'm starting to learn that it does no good to have any expectations for my addict.. all expectations will do is set me up for some serious disapointment. The only person i have expectations for is me..

If your addict does not want to have a relationship with you and your kids then so be it, it's is loss.. start focusing on making a better environment for you and your kids..

Impurrfect

((((Cassandra))))

I don't really know what to tell you, other than 3 weeks is really no time at all in terms of recovery. It really isn't. The other thing is, you can't compare HIS rehab to that of others. No person's rehab or recovery is like anyone else's. There are similarities, once we get INTO recovery, but as far as when we GET IT, it's totally up to us.

You will run yourself ragged, trying to figure out what he's thinking and why, and you will never figure it out..it can't be done, no matter how smart you are, no matter how well you knew him. It simply cannot be done. Go with his actions. You've told him your kids are a package deal. If he only wants to be involved with the baby, then he will see none of the kids. Stick to your words...this is your kids you're talking about.

Go back to rule number one of dealing with an addict...go by his actions. I know there were posts, here, of addicts begging to come home for Thanksgiving. If you read through the posts, though, there were also many of people here going through the same thing you were...NOT hearing from their addict.

I KNOW it hurts, sweetie, and holidays make it worse, but you will pick yourself up and move forward. You deserve it and your kids deserve it. As hard as it is, your kids are learning, from you, how to get through this.

You're having a bad day, but you've gotten a lot better at getting past those bad days, lately, and a lot quicker. When you start thinking about what HE'S thinking just say "STOP" (I have to say it out loud) and distract yourself. It takes some practice, but it works.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

cessy68

Cass,
Who knows why he is doing what he is doing... and I know deep down inside you are longing for him to have an epiphany of sorts, but I don't think it is going to happen.

I know the feeling of waiting for the lightbulb to go off in my addict boyfriends head - and have him be what he used to be- but it isn't going to happen- no matter how much I pray it will

Only thing I can say- that I don't think will give you any solace, but I will say it nonetheless.....

Our addicts may or may not love us. We can't rationalize behaviour of unrational people. It in realtity does not matter if they love us or not- it matters if we love ourselves enough to know that what they have to offer is not ENOUGH for what we deserve.

In addition keep in mind- PLENTY of people out in our world are heartbroken as we speak right now, because a loved one WITHOUT an addition has left them, (for someone else, they aren't in love anymore, or simply because they want freedom,) the list of reasons for breakups/etc is very long, and very painful for everyone.

Bottom line is we can't control if someones feelings have changed, if they use drugs, if they want a different life, it is not within our control

I pray that you don't allow this to effect your self esteem- most women allow a mans breakup with them to do that, (including myself)

A quote from a book that I told you about recently "lifes lessons" says something to this effect

"some relationships aren't meant to be forever, if they end and when they end, happens exactly how it is supposed to. Just because a relationship has ended does not mean it was a failure. It served it's purpose."
In another section it says that we expect things to get better if the other person changes....
it then tells us:
"what if the other person is not meant to change? Maybe they are exactly where they are supposed to be - on their own journey- it's not for us to decide."

I hope you understand where I am going with this.

I soooooooooo understand your pain- but I try, try, and try so hard not to allow it to crush my inner self. Some things are just meant to be a certain way, and the more we allow ourselves to just let go and let things be, the quicker we heal.

Lots of love my girl,
Cessy

cassandra2

I know that you all mean well but I really dont feel better. I know I cant try to figure out what is going on with him. And I know that he is going through alot himself but I just am trying to reconcile the person I know to the person that is doing saying all of these terrible things. It hurts so much.

Today I just cant accept that. I just cant accept that he has changed to a person who I dont even know. I cant accept that the light bulb will never go on. I am in so much pain right now and I cant accept that.

I dont know what to do. I know that the pain will go away if I move on but I love him and I am having a hard time moving on. It doesnt seem final in my eyes.

I know that I am getting to my breaking point where something has got to give otherwise I really think I am gonna lose it.....

jerect

One Day at a Time Cassandra..

Just put one foot in front of the other and take things one day at a time..

Just for today, do something that will make you smile and that will make you feel joy..

You may not be able to accept the things that are going on in your life today but maybe tomorrow you will..

This time of year is hard, I think it's really hard for people like us that have addicts in our lives.. addicts that don't return the love that we send out to them. You can continue to love your addict but you must first and foremost love yourself more.. Love yourself enough that your BF's addiction will not tear you down, love yourself enough that your kids will not feel the stress of what you are enduring right now and love yourself enough that you put your thoughts and feelings and well being first above anyone else especially your addict.

If a relationship with your addict is ment to be then it will happen and if this is not the person that you are supposed to be with then down the road someone so wonderful will come along just at the right time that will leave you wondering why the heck you ever put so much energy into loving something that could not give back to you..

Impurrfect

(((Cassandra)))

I actually do understand what you're saying, because I've been there. I knew what everyone was saying, and that they were right, but I just didn't feel better. I held onto what I was feeling until I guess I DID "lose it". I didn't have a nervous breakdown, but I do remember being totally overwhelmed with grief, only leaving my house to go to work, because I had to pay bills.

I had to go through that to start moving forward.

Do whatever you have to do. I don't doubt that you love him, but I also believe you are facing your own addiction...to him. Just as HE has to get sick and tired of being sick and tired, so do you.

BIG hugs and prayers!

Amy

Freedom1990

I can't truly give love to others if I don't even love myself.

It took a long time in the rooms of recovery, with other people further down the road than I was, loving me, until I could finally love myself.

I never felt a part of, never felt I belonged anywhere from a very early age, even before I started school.

I was truly primed before I ever picked up any chemicals to fill that gaping hole that I never could fill inside of me.

I spent a lifetime searching outside of myself for answers, when all along, the answers were inside of me.

It took me years to come to that place of self love. Every person has their own path of recovery and their own pace.

I sense your frustration today, and see you with both fists up, fighting life for what you aren't getting, instead of standing with palms turned upward, and accepting life for what it is today.

In doing that, you continue to give this disease control over your mind and your heart.

Your happiness, your peace of mind, is not contingent on what he does/doesn't do in regards to recovery, but you have not come to that point yet.

I could write a novel on what I have been through in my life since finding recovery, but suffice it to say I have raised two daughters without active participation from either father, the one father being an active member of AA for over 32 years now and never being there for his daughter with the exception of one year of her life.

I believe you are a strong, capable, and loving woman. You just can't see it yet. You're still too enmeshed in him. :ghug :ghug

Chino

They are addressing his addiction, not the consequences of it other than to point out they exist.

I'm saying prayers for your serenity.

outtolunch

One of the most challenging things about loving an addict is coming to terms with how none of the lying, cheating, stealing, manipulation and abandonment have anthing to do with us.

It's all about the overwhelming power of addiction. He can't help it, right now and 3 weeks or months and perhaps even years, is not going to change this.

If I recall, all of this started with a simple prescription for medication for back pain that escalated into addiction and now the monkey is on his back. If it were easy to lose the monkey, none of us would be here. If we could love our addict out of addiction, none of us would be here.

If I recall, you started seeing a therapist. How is that going? Are you still going? Have you considered grief counseling? How might you manage your expectations, especially at this time of year, when is hurts like hell-o?

jerect

EXACTLY!!!!!!!

I had to quit taking my AH's addiction personaly.. It took me a long time to realize that he was not doing this to me because he wanted to hurt me or because he did not love me or any other reason I could think of.. He wasn't doing this to me at all.. Heck, I don't even think my AH was or is even aware of the things he is actually doing to his family.. he rationalizes things on a whole different playing field then we do.

HE WAS/IS doing this to him.. the only person he is really truly lying to, hurting, cheating and stealing from is himself.. I'm only allowing him to do those things to me..and when I quit taking it personaly he quit doing them to me..

I cannot tell you the burdon that has been lifted off my shoulder's now that I have stopped taking his disease so personaly...it has helped me to let go and to focus what I need to focus on and that is myself,,

loner1968

"One of the most challenging things about loving an addict is coming to terms with how none of the lying, cheating, stealing, manipulation and abandonment have anthing to do with us".

Outtolunch: This quote right here, for me, really makes so many things fall into place. It addresses so many issues at the same time.

Thanks for this.

cassandra2

outtolunch-I stopped seeing the AODA therapist. He just wasnt giving me any tools and I just got frustrated with him. Today I went and picked up a few books and have really dived into reading them. One book is called Addictive Thinking. I read some post here that said it was a good book to read for people trying to understand. Its also good because it explains code thinking as well. I am trying. Somedays I feel I am grasping at straws and other days I feel good.

I just am in the hurry up mode. I want to know where this path is taking us. I got a book for my daughter. She is a huge baseball fan so I picked up the book about Josh Hamilton (I think thats his name). Anyway she is an avid reader and I just didnt want to get any old book that describes how addiction works or what to expect or why it isnt her fault. I read the reviews for the book and it starts with his success and then downward spiral of a crack addiction and then of course rebuilding his life.

Mostly I wanted her to be able to understand that it wasnt her fault. And that for right now he doesnt have much control over his feelings and behaviors but that as soon as he started working on it he would want to reengage with the kids. I am trying to help her as well as myself. The problem is that I know he will come back for the kids. He loves them very much. What I dont know is if he will come back for US.

I think he was caught early enough in addiction but who knows. I just really want my family back and right now today I am unwilling to NOT have hope for that. So many of my family members cant understand that and it frustrates me till no end. But it is what it is.

Thank you all for your kind words I appreciate it all. I am trying each day and some days are better then others.......

blizzard77

Hope is good. Just focus on yourself too!

lovesmenot74

(((cassandra))) So much of your first post is exactly how i'm feeling. I wish I had a magic potion for us ... I hope you're feeling better today.

outtolunch

I understand.

So often we say hope when we really mean expectation. There is a difference.

“Expectations are premeditated resentments”. Expectations are specific. If you don’t get what you expect, you will be mad, disappointed, hurt, depressed, resentful, and so on. Expectations are well defined. Expectations usually involve maintaining control over other people's lives.

Hope is not specific. It is broad. It is outlook on life of looking forward to good things, but not defining exactly how those good things will come about, look like, taste like, etc. Hope is letting go of the outcome.

splendra

I am sure all the addicts in my life love me. They live in an unhealthy state that gives them free range to bad choices.

If I want to try and stand between them and their using I might as well be prepared to be lied to and disrespected and to feel hurt.

If by some miracle they find sobriety it doesn't mean they will be chasing me down to express their deep sorrow or their undying love.

The more I can accept life as it is rather than how I think it ought to be the happier I will be.

rozied

You never can know what another person is really thinking. I think when we are young we spend yrs of our life doing that. I know I did. It is a fruitless exercise. You can only know what you are thinking. Maybe your ABF is saying that right now cuz he knows he is an addict and he can hardly take care of himself. He knows the baby you had together is his biological child and by law his responsibility but your 2 kids are not. Their biological father is responsible for their financial support, and their well being.
If I am way off base with anything I said I am sorry but I have been reading your posts & I think I have it straight.
Love,
Diane
As far as loving you and the kids I am sure he loves as much as he is capable of loving. An addict doesn't love themself. If your BF is not yet ready to give up his addiction it is easier for him to let you & the kids go, then try to change if he doesn't really want to.

cassandra2

Thank you all very much...

Outtolunch your post kinda made me upset because YOU ARE EXACTLY RIGHT. I was just posting about expectations and not having any. I really have confused hope with expectations. I expected that he would get better in treatment. I hoped it to. Disappointment, which is what I am feeling, is present therefore it was more of an expectation.

Rozied you are right on target. That is what he told me today in a waste of time conversation that I had with him. He said that he had an obligation to our daughter. He never flat out said he didnt want to be apart of their lives he just said that right now he has to worry about his obligations and himself. But in the converstation I spotted all the tell tell signs of addictive thinking.

It was my fault he had no phone, my fault that he couldnt talk to the kids cuz he called 3 times and I never answered, my fault that things are bad for him. His docs office called yet again and said the same thing as the last message so obviously he is still trying to get his meds. I confronted him about that and he said it was ludacris that I was even thinking that about him.

I asked him about his "treatment" and he said that he goes to group 3 times a week. He doesnt feel the need to see a therapist. So this is basically a "support group". I dont even think they are taking them thru the 12 steps and if they are he isnt 12 steppin.

I just feel alot of guilt right now because I went to all this trouble of helping my daughter understand addiction and right now I feel it was all for not. I really dont see a light at the end a this tunnel for him. He's off drugs he is in treatment but not working for recovery. So the guilt I feel is that I pushed this expectation onto my kids telling them that the person I once knew (if he ever came back) would make it a priority to have a relationship with them. I need to just move on and find another life to live. His actions have made it very clear that he will continue down this path for as long as he sees fit. He is still thinking he is in control and not gonna give this up. Its very hard to let go because I really thought we could rebuild our lives. I really thought he was gonna be there. Now I am back to square one only this time with absolutely no hope and even worse now my kids have hope and I have to see them go through this.