My emotions are all over the place. This is a nasy ride and I want off!!!!!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
My emotions are all over the place. This is a nasy ride and I want off!!!!!!!!
Hi all and Happy Thanksgiving to all my SR family and friends.
In my last post I was angry at myself and at AH.
Today, I'm sad. Crying again and I don't even know what about, if that makes any sense. Maybe it's because it's holiday time and I didn't plan on going it alone again this year. With no family or close friends near by it makes this time of year very lonely and sad for me. I am going to dinner with a coworker who didn't have anyone to spend the day with and then I'm supposed to work 7pm to 7am. But, I got a call tonight that the census was low on my floor and I will most likely be put on call. UGH!! Work brings me peace of mind. I'm able to help others who are sick and stuck in the hospital and that makes me feel good and helps me to appreciate the good things in my life. I miss my family and friends back home but not the snow they've gotten lol!! This is my DANGER ZONE. I've been doing good with the no contact rule but when I get to feeling abandoned and alone is when I start to want to hear his voice. But, it's weird because I have FINALLY accepted him for who his is and not who I want him to be and I know if I do talk to him it's just lies and more lies. It's like it's a bad habit. I cleaned my little heart out today then took a nap. It was supposed to be a nap but ended up a 5hr nap. So now I'll be up all night. I've tried to sit down and write a letter to him (not meant to be sent) but the words just won't come out.
In my last post I was angry at myself and at AH.
Today, I'm sad. Crying again and I don't even know what about, if that makes any sense. Maybe it's because it's holiday time and I didn't plan on going it alone again this year. With no family or close friends near by it makes this time of year very lonely and sad for me. I am going to dinner with a coworker who didn't have anyone to spend the day with and then I'm supposed to work 7pm to 7am. But, I got a call tonight that the census was low on my floor and I will most likely be put on call. UGH!! Work brings me peace of mind. I'm able to help others who are sick and stuck in the hospital and that makes me feel good and helps me to appreciate the good things in my life. I miss my family and friends back home but not the snow they've gotten lol!! This is my DANGER ZONE. I've been doing good with the no contact rule but when I get to feeling abandoned and alone is when I start to want to hear his voice. But, it's weird because I have FINALLY accepted him for who his is and not who I want him to be and I know if I do talk to him it's just lies and more lies. It's like it's a bad habit. I cleaned my little heart out today then took a nap. It was supposed to be a nap but ended up a 5hr nap. So now I'll be up all night. I've tried to sit down and write a letter to him (not meant to be sent) but the words just won't come out.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Blizzard -
so sorry for the pain and that you are feeling alone. Addiction just s*cks and loving someone with substance abuse issues is sooooooo difficult. It's hard to know which is harder - the pain of leaving through it or the pain of moving on.
I'm in NC too (charlotte). Are you anywhere near? I am a PT and am a multi trauma specialist. I know what you mean about work. It is the one place that I can disappear and step away from my own drama and traumas.
I'm up all night right now - don't know what's up with that because I didn't have a nap! Take care of yourself and remember that you are not alone!
so sorry for the pain and that you are feeling alone. Addiction just s*cks and loving someone with substance abuse issues is sooooooo difficult. It's hard to know which is harder - the pain of leaving through it or the pain of moving on.
I'm in NC too (charlotte). Are you anywhere near? I am a PT and am a multi trauma specialist. I know what you mean about work. It is the one place that I can disappear and step away from my own drama and traumas.
I'm up all night right now - don't know what's up with that because I didn't have a nap! Take care of yourself and remember that you are not alone!
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Deat Blizzard, I am a nurse and work helped me alot too many yrs ago when I was dealing with my 1st husband. He was a Compulsive Gambler. After 10yrs & 2 kids I KNEW I had to move on with my life. It wasn't easy as for awhile there I was as addicted to him as he was to gambling. I found not having any contact helped the most.
Stay Strong this too shall pass, and oneday looking back on it you will know it was for the best.
Love,
Diane
PS Glad to hear though your not near your family you made plans.
Stay Strong this too shall pass, and oneday looking back on it you will know it was for the best.
Love,
Diane
PS Glad to hear though your not near your family you made plans.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
lightseeker,
I live in Hickory, Nc. Just got the call they probably won't need me tonight. Already crying, but I know that's good to get it out. Not so good to have swollen puffy eyes though. Have a Blessed Thanksgiving.
I live in Hickory, Nc. Just got the call they probably won't need me tonight. Already crying, but I know that's good to get it out. Not so good to have swollen puffy eyes though. Have a Blessed Thanksgiving.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
I am sorry for your pain. Was thinking, is there a nursing home nearby? Or could you volunteer at the hospital today? Just go and spend sometime with others who would appreciate the company? Enjoy your dinner with your friend. Maybe a movie now too, huh? Know that you are thought of.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Originally Posted by blizzard77 
But, it's weird because I have FINALLY accepted him for who his is and not who I want him to be and I know if I do talk to him it's just lies and more lies. It's like it's a bad habit. I cleaned my little heart out today then took a nap. It was supposed to be a nap but ended up a 5hr nap. So now I'll be up all night. I've tried to sit down and write a letter to him (not meant to be sent) but the words just won't come out.
I can only tell you that we feel your pain and that at some point it will bet better. We are armed with information that makes our brains say "ok its him not me". We are armed with information that allows us to know that the addiction is stronger then anything we could or can do. But that information will not reach our hearts. There we have small flickers of hope that they will get better and return. My heart is crying for him today while he sits with his family and acts like everything is ok. That this life is better then chasing the kids around trying to get them ready to go to family's house for dinner. Sitting and listening to the kids fight about who had the toy first. The laughter of our kids. That is what used to make him happy. And now he prefers to go without. How sad it is for HIM on this day where I will be with the kids and he will only have memories.
Blizz I pray for you and hope that in some way you can find something to enjoy for yourself today.....
Blizzard, my heart goes out to you!!!(HUGS)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Sending blessings and hope to you today. Maybe yours is just the face someone needs to see today in the hospital. Maybe you are the angel your coworker needs in her aloneness. Try to trust that God is in control of every part of your life, and that today and your life today as it is, is part of His plan for you.
I have spent lonely holidays, too. Life is an ebb and a flow. So many do not have courage to really live and they stay in narrow miserable lives, clinging to something dead and over but too afraid to LIVE.
Keep your heart and your hopes open to life, blizzard. Summer is on the way.
I have spent lonely holidays, too. Life is an ebb and a flow. So many do not have courage to really live and they stay in narrow miserable lives, clinging to something dead and over but too afraid to LIVE.
Keep your heart and your hopes open to life, blizzard. Summer is on the way.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: on top of the hill
Posts: 197
(( blizzard ))
I wish I had the right words to make you feel better. My ah has been gone for 5 years, and yet we sorely miss his presense every day, never mind the holidays. I'm very fortunate that my kids all live near me, and were here today. At dinner, the only seat available at my table was at the head...where ah used to sit. My youngest son finally sat there after a visable hesitation...I'm sure my other kids sensed it as well.
Oh, this disease is just so awful, it hurts the lives of so many. I'm sorry that you had a tough day, but I'm also very glad that your job is so fulfilling. Hopefully you'll have a brighter day tomorrow.
Hang in there, (( Blizzard ))
I wish I had the right words to make you feel better. My ah has been gone for 5 years, and yet we sorely miss his presense every day, never mind the holidays. I'm very fortunate that my kids all live near me, and were here today. At dinner, the only seat available at my table was at the head...where ah used to sit. My youngest son finally sat there after a visable hesitation...I'm sure my other kids sensed it as well.
Oh, this disease is just so awful, it hurts the lives of so many. I'm sorry that you had a tough day, but I'm also very glad that your job is so fulfilling. Hopefully you'll have a brighter day tomorrow.
Hang in there, (( Blizzard ))
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