genrs123

i am somewhat interested in this person, but i am curious as to whether it is a red flag that he seems to smoke pot a few times a week. drinking not so much. he has several hobbies, 2 bands, watches and plays football, has a "real" job, puts out music, and writes. BUT he also smokes pot several times a week.

Is this a red flag???? i dont know what is normal anymore!!!!

it probably wouldnt work anyway as he doesnt even live in my city, but iam curious.

Troubledone

When I was dating my husband, at the time he smoked a little pot. I told him I absolutely positively would have nothing to do with someone who did illegal drugs, period. He stopped and hasn't done anything since. So for me, yes, doing illegal rugs is a red flag.

I would also suggest a few other things to consider:

There is no way to tell if someone is suseptible to addiction. Sometimes people can be pretty functional while drinking, and addiction just creeps up on them. Other times, people can drink moderately and never have a problem. The question may be - do you see any other warning signs?

The other thought is, it is not uncommon for folks (like those of us who are codependent) to select "long distance" relationships because of our own fear of intimacy. Aren't there any nice men closer to home that don't smoke pot? Do you know where you might find them?

I'll end with - if you are somewhat curious about a relationship with him (not really attracted ?), he's in another city and you are asking if his illegal drug use is a red flag - I'm wondering if there is something in him you find attractive, or if you are just lonely. If it is the latter, it's better to build a very stable support network so that choices in men are based on your criteria for a good relationship, not loneliness.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh. I'm 53 and I've seen so many of my female friends and realtives fall "in love" with a man's potential, only to find out that "what you see is what you get".

Prayers you find your answer.

genrs123

Troubledone,

I guess my picker is off AGAIN because i thought i picked someone emotionally available. he has a lot of attractive qualities- kindness, talent, success, ambition etc. this is a guy who told me i shouldnt apologize for my feelings because they were mine and i had every right to feel that way (if only my axbf could understand the truth in this!!)

anyway, i know i need to let it go because although i could work with a LDR with someone that treated me right, he doesnt seem to be responsive as to visiting me. soooo, its probably not even an option.

i am lonely. i am incredibly lonely. i dont know how to just be happy by myself.

in response to people here that maybe don't smoke pot or are available i DONT know where to find them??? i am not really "normal" most of my interests have to do with underground subcultures of music etc. and theres not a lot of luck there.

i dont know where to meet nice guys that i have stuff in common with and im probably still pretty toxic so it might be good to stay away from all male creatures anyway.

atalose

I would agree with your last line, it might be good to stay away from all male creatures anyway. But I would add, at least for now, until you are really over your exBF it’s not healthy to get involved with anyone because that’s when we pick all the wrong people to get involved with.

Get yourself more emotionally healthy before dating, after all you were in a long term relationship for many years, it’s going to take a while before you are ready.

ZombieWife

I think it depends on the person. I smoked pot when I was younger--maybe once or twice a week. I drank now and then, but I lost interest in both.

Someone with an addictive personality, though, that's another story. I don't consider pot a huge deal, unless it's done every single friggin' day. But, I also don't expect everyone else to hold my view. To each their own on that.

itisatruth

In my very humble opinion, I'd have to answer that if it's a red flag to you, it is. What I mean is, you are the best one to decide what is and isn't OK for you. If you aren't comfortable with someone who smokes pot several times a week, then it is not OK -- for you. And that is totally OK because that is what you feel. Those of us who identify with "codie" behaviors tend to worry more about what's right for them instead of what's right for us. So I guess what I'm saying is that what should matter most to you at this point is what is or isn't OK with you rather than what is/isn't OK for another person to be doing.

Don't doubt your feelings; give them priority!

There are more suitable fish in the sea for you!

jerect

When I first met my AH he smoked pot several times a week, he had a job and he loved to watch football.

Fast forward to two years later.. he smokes pot every day and apparently has been doing this since I met him. He still has a job but he likes to call out of work when his favorite football team is playing because I guess it's more important then paying the bills.. and his whole life is revolved around watching football.. plus to boot he is addicted to pills..

I'm not saying that this guy you just met is like this at all.. Just because someone smokes pot doesn't mean they do other stuff but... if you feel uncomfortable and you are asking if it is a red flag then it probably is a red flag and you should stay away from the situation.. If only I would have paid attention to all of those little red flags that kept popping up all over the place after I first met my AH... oh if only....

For the record though... a drug is a drug is a drug and if he is smoking pot and he gets caught he could get arrested, lose his job and all sorts of other good stuff.. you don't want to risk being near him when that happens..

justsomegirl

My husband hid his pot smoking at first but then when he decided to let mi in on it, he said he only did sometimes. His quote "theres a time and a place for it" He told me he enjoyed it fishing mostly. Well as the years when on it was all the time and everyplace ( no exagerations) That was 10 years ago and he just recently had to quit smoking pot. He has relapsed a time or 2 but has been doing well with that. His drinking is still a problem and he is a mean spirited unhappy person with all the issues that accompany addiction. But..like others have said, everyone is different. At the time it didnt seem like a red flag but looking back it was.

justsomegirl

His life came to revolving around smoking pot, acquiring the pot and smoking more pot. If he didn't have any then we couldn't do anything until he found some. It is expensive and a drain. He would get high in my moms basement at Christmas, in bathrooms at staff Christmas parties, while driving, at lunch, in the morning, after work and at night. He had to constantly be trying to get that high again.

outtolunch

How would you feel if he drank a few beers every week?

Not all beer drinkers become alcoholics. Not all pot smokers move on to other drugs.

I like the way itsatruth put it, " if it a red flag to you, it is. Don't doubt your ownd feelings. Give them priority".

Troubledone

It's been a few days since I've been on line.

I wanted to respond to your reply to my first post.

When I was young and single, I thought I was "odd" as well. What I did was to figure out where the type of person I would admire would hang out. Then I tried to put myself in those situation.

I joined a hiking club, a health club, tried a bunch of youth groups before I found one that worked for me, etc. You may have different interests, but if you really think about them, you may hit on something. For example, if your are interested in subcultures of music, what does that mean for you. What is it about that type of environment that you find attractive and how could you put yourself in situations that you find attractive minus the drug and alcohol thing. For example, maybe there is a course at a local community college that teaches alternative music.

When I did find places that people I admire might hang out, I left myself open for anything my HP provided. The first thing I found was a very good freind - not a romantic relationship, but a real honest freind. We have been freinds for over 20 years and still keep in touch. We suported each other through dating because we could see the red flags for each other that we might miss ourselves.

so - if you are lonely, you may want to try to cultivate a healthy friendship with someone who can walk this road with you and help you think about your choices.

It is very dangerous to choose a romantic partner from a position of weakness and lonliness. You may want to consider working on developing your strengths and self esteem and let the rest take care of itself.

God bless, good luck.

genrs123

thanks troubledone,

i like your ideas- and ill definitely start looking this week for other places. very creative and interesting ideas. i know this will help me. and at the least, start getting me used to healthy people and healthy platonic relationships before can date.

i was wondering if you had any ideas on how else to develop self esteem??

thanks so much.