veryrestless722

these past few weeks ive had many different people say just about the same thing to me and none said it at the same time so i know they didnt all get together and come up with the same thing to tell me, so they must all believei t

my mom tells me in every aspect of my life im strong except when it comes to my husband

my cousin tells me i wish i could be more like you, im like are you crazy what do you mean, shes like you dont just sit by and take any crap, you stand up for yourself, i said yeah and look where it got me, my husband ran off and left, you still have yours, she says i know but your so much stronger than me, i let my husband walk all over me (he does but hes still there with her and the kids) , she says if anyone can get through what your goin through then its you

my sister (who is 35) comes up here and tells me im jealous of you and wish i could be more like you, again im like your crazy, you dont want my life, shes like your stronger than me and way more independant, see my sister has lisences but is afraid to drive, her husband wont buy her a car cause he wants to keep her completely dependant on him so she cant ever leave him, im like just save your money, get a car, and drive, once your on the road it will become second nature (shes drove before but she had one wreck after another ) im like quit giving your check to your husband and manage the money yourself cause he obviously isnt capable of it, shes just like you can do all that and i let fear hold me back, she said i wish my husband would leave like yours, which that makes me mad cause you shouldnt wish that cause you dont know the pain that causes regardless if you like your husband or not, and shes so dependant on him its not funny, she cant even go to sleep unless hes with her and the same for him, they wont go anywhere without the other one, its like she cant breathe without him with her

my best friend tells me she couldnt be in my situation, she couldnt deal with what ive dealt with and im the only one who could

ive had others say different varations of the same thing, they all see a strong , independant person, i dont put up with crap except for my husband, anyone else im done with you but not him, ive always handled our money when we were together, i did the grocery shopping, i did everything, i planned all vacations, i saved the money for them, i made sure he went to work everyday, i helped him find jobs when he screwed up and lost the ones he had, he worked most of the time and cleaned house and worked on the car if it needed it, but ive held him up for the last 7 years, it was all me, i finally realize that now, he would have never made it this far without falling completely apart if not for me

so i cant figure out why i could never let him go, he certainly doesnt contribute anything to the marriage except blaming me for everything, i remember the good times but the bad out weighs it by a hundred , all he gave me was grief, constant up and down with drinking, he drug me down to where i am now and im still standing and fighting my way up again and hes still going down hill so why am i addicted to him, why the co-dependancy, i certainly dont need him yet ive never been able to let go of him, i forgive him always, while others i just cut out of my life without a backwards glance but never him when he does me wrong

i dont even see the things i do as independant or strong, its just natural, you get up you go to work, you get up you clean house, you pay your bills, you take care of your child, all of this is just what i have to do, i dont feel strong, i would rather have a husband here with me instead of doing everything alone, so why do they look at me one way and i look at them another way, at least they still have their husbands regardless of how bad they are

why cant i view myself the way others do, instead of seeing someone who lost everything, was stupid for staying with an alcoholic so long, someone who cant give my son a father he deserves, someone who is struggling and living in a world of hurt and fighting her way out of it one day at a time, i dont want to be strong i want someone who will be there for me and take care of me instead of me always being the one who does everything, i have no one to fall back on but myself

i fear ill never find someone because my personality is so dominant that most men cant deal with that, they want a more submissive woman and i just can never be that way so ill forever be alone because i cant change the way i am and wouldnt for anyone, i tried for my husband and it doesnt work

kingston

For years my family and friends said very similar things, you are so strong, no way could I do what you are doing, etc etc. At work I was always known as a force to be reckoned with, nicknames i.e. Ice Queen, Dragon Lady etc etc. No one crossed any lines with me. Well that was at work, at home in the my relationship with my AH completely different story. 100% codie, complete doormat. Yet when AH would see me at work functions he become very stressed out and finally refused to go to any.

For me I didn't want to feel anything so I just kept on working, being the stronger one, the more dominant one, take charge etc. He couldn't wouldn't so I did.

When I finally left (for the last time) in August, I started feeling my feelings. For the first time! I started on my own recovery and in doing so was forced to feel. I had terrible days of obsessing about him, forgetting the reality and focusing on the fantasy of what I thought my marriage was, endless journalling, making lists, group meetings etc. Like you I kept thinking about him, wanting him back then sitting down and asking myself why would I want this person back in my life and forcing myself to look at the reality of my marriage. From there I started peeling back the emotions and really trying to figure out what I really missed and what it was I was feeling - anger, guilt, shame etc. They all came into play at one time or another.

Slowly I've been able to "join" my two personalities, the strong one at work and the weak one into a whole person. I acknowledge my feelings and work everyday in letting go of the negative and concentrating on the positive. Most days I'm content, happy, grounded and very grateful.

"i fear ill never find someone because my personality is so dominant that most men cant deal with that, they want a more submissive woman and i just can never be that way so ill forever be alone because i cant change the way i am and wouldnt for anyone, i tried for my husband and it doesnt work"

In my opinion - WRONG, a man who is comfortable and secure within himself welcomes a woman who is independent and secure within herself.

For me once you start changing who you are i.e. your own core values for someone else you end up on slippery slope to a place where you have lost yourself. Why give up who you are.

I'm proud of who I am, I know and accept my past, live each day with joy and compassion and look forward to the future. I have no regrets.

Once I started "joining/stitching" the pieces of my personality into a whole and complete person I found I started attracting similiar people. Now I have a group of strong and supportive friends whom I can be open, honest and strong with, they welcome that as they are the same. And yes, men find it attractive in me too!

Baby steps! You'll get there too, K.

veryrestless722

thanks! ur post helps

Barbara52

Perhpas taking a deeper look at yourself and what you got out of your relationship and what needs you were having fulfilled in that relationship? I know for me until I took real, gut level ownership of my own issues and behavior I didn't really begin to make progress in figuring it all out.

veryrestless722

I have been evaluating my relationship, there are some things i wish to change in my self and what i do in a relationship. Nothing I did or do would be grounds for a divorce but just things that i could improve or react to differently, but i really did everything i possibly could to save my marriage and it just wasnt saveable, i went above and beyond to save my marriage but i simply dont have the submissive type personality to be with him, our personalilties just wont cooperate together and his alcoholism is just too much for me to deal with. He drug me down for 7 years and its my own fault because i allowed it to happen, i cant blame him, he is what he is and i knew that, but i didnt realize that i am who i am and i cant change and try to be what he wants me to be, i want better and i deserve better

i went nuts spending the night in the hospital away from my baby it ripped my heart out, while he could care less about the baby, thats unacceptable to me, i dont want someone in my life that doesnt care about their own child

its just not about him anymore, i finally get what everyone says about focusing on myself, ive emailed his mom and told her i dont want to know anything about my xah, its none of my business what hes doing or what he does in the future, just as what i do is none of his business

im finally getting excited about the direction my life is going in because its all up to me what i do, the only person i have to consider is my son, other wise its all my decision what i do, if i fail, then its my own fault, if i suceed then thats my fault to, im free and no longer have to take care of an alcoholic and theres a good chance ill find a man who actually loves me for me and that i will one day have the family i so deserately want, i kinda feel stupid for staying trapped so long but its over and done with and now im only focusing on my future and my sons future and one way or another me and him will be ok whether i ever remarry or not, as long as me and my son are together we will be ok and accomplish everything we need to and more

its taken me a long time to reach this point and alot of pain and hurt but i wouldnt change that, i think it will help me in my future relationships and its made me a better person for having survived everything my xah threw at me and now all i feel is pity for him

Barbara52

This is only a small part really of what I was talking about when I said I had to take a deep look at myself and what I was getting out of the relationship. What I got out of the marriage to an alcoholic had little to do with why the marriage fell apart. It has everything to do with what I saw I needed to work on about me for me. I had to explore why I was willing to ignore serious problems in a mate, why I thought I deserved so little from a relationship, what made me act in a codependent manner, what led me to enable xAH's drinking and extended unemployment, what positive reinforcement of my bad thinking was I getting that led me to stay in the marriage, and a whole lot more.


First off, you weren't stupid.

But I know for me even now that I've been away from xAH for 1 1/2 yrs and divorced 6 months of that, it's not over and done with. I am still examining my life, my behaviors, my issues. I expect to be working on them for quite some time to come (looking forward to it to since it means further improvement and growth for me). But I cannot say it's over and done.

prairiegirl

I can really relate to everything you've posted. The thing that drove me crazy was that I too had all kinds of people telling me how proud they were of me for asking my XAH to leave. He left alright and moved to another country, which I wasn't expecting and this is after 16 years together. I had friends, family and co-workers telling me how strong I was, and how they wished they had my courage, but I kept asking them what the point of being strong was if I was alone? Look where it got me? Yes, okay I'm strong, but I'm alone. Different women told me that they were in very unfulfilling and unhappy marriages or relationships but they just tolerated everything because they were too afraid to be alone. So I kept asking myself over and over......why didn't I just keep my mouth shut and he would still be here? I mean he was alcoholic and things weren't the way I wanted them to be, but at least he'd be here and I could manage it and there was at least someone who cared (sometimes) whether I lived or died.

Friends would argue that I wasn't happy, in fact they remember that I was miserable being so lonely in my relationship, but I can't remember that any longer (it's been 6 months). They remind me that No it's not better to be with someone that doesn't treat me the way I deserve to be treated. But still I see alot of women tolerating bad behaviour just to say they are in a relationship/marriage. And I can't help but think I wish sometimes I wasn't so strong or vocal and I wouldn't be alone. I just kept saying inside my head, as people would tell me how strong I was....."Yeah, it's easy for you to say because you still have your man in your life!"

But now the pain is starting to subside and more and more I do realize that it's not worth it to shut up and swallow the abusive behaviour. In fact I started to develop various physical ailments that wouldn't let me ignore the stuffed feelings anymore. So that was a good thing. It was like my body was screaming at me to pay attention. I remember him even saying to me before he left that he found me too strong. But, I believe that after living with an AH, you just reach a point where you can't stop yourself from saying things you normally wouldn't say. I remember telling myself, "____just don't say it." But, out it would come. When you're around the A behaviour for long enough and when they resort to being their lesser selves, it's difficult not to get triggered to that lower place where you say and do things that you normally wouldn't say or do.

Being strong is a good quality. Don't ever stop being who you are because there are lots of people out their who will appreciate that quality. Just be glad you only spent the amount of time did with your XAH; you could have spent twice as long figuring it out, like I did. At least now you have a beautiful son and you can focus on yourself and him and create a wonderful life for the two of you. When someone new comes along, he will accept you for who you are and appreciate your qualities. And isn't it interesting to note that quite often it's our strength that is the very thing that our XAH was attracted to in the first place and yet it becomes the thing they use as an excuse to leave. Something to ponder.

veryrestless722

your right, my xah was attracted to my strength and who i was yet turned it againest me in the end, so screwed up

now with time to think i feel sorry for everyone i know that stays in a bad relationship, its taken me a while to feel that way but i have a chance to be happy and they never will because they will always stay with what they know and its sad to me to watch that because they deserve so much better

Barbara-- i get what your saying and i do try to figure out why i let myself be treated that way but i also forgive myself for it cause i cant change it, i can only change what i do in my future relationships, i know i have a temper but it doesnt come out unless im around my xah, cause he drives me to that point and i let him, its such a long road but im makin it and trying to make changes in myself and trying to think more positive and not let the negative come in, sure my marriage fell apart but im so lucky , i have a healthy little baby, parents who love me and do anything for me, i have my four dogs, ill be going back to work, ill be able to provide for my son, i have so many things to be thankful for that losing him just doesnt really matter as much as it once did

i used to check up on my xah , i checked the internet, which is how i found out he was arrested, his mom would tell me whenever he contacted her, but now ive stopped all that, i dont care anymore to know anything hes doing, dont want to know, this is my life and hes no longer allowed in it, i realize that for many many years to come ill still be working through alot of the stuff that i went through, ill always have scars from it but its not going to hold me back, ill never completely escape him cause i can already look at my son and the poor thing is a carbon copy of my xah, he will grow up probably to look exactly like him, so im tied to him for life but that doesnt mean i have to have him in my life, he dont want nothing to do with the baby so me and my son are going our own way without him

one of the main reasons ive decided not to date for a while is to try to figure out why i choose the men i do, everyone ive dated is an addict either drugs or alcohol, im nothing like that yet i choose those types of men, until i get to the root of that its not a good thing to date right now, i also want to be divorced before i date, and really i kinda like being single right now, men are alot of work lol, right now i only have to worry about my son and myself and no one else and after the last seven years thats a good thing

i need to figure out myself alot more than i have, people love being around me when i actually let them in and get to know them but i shy away from meeting people or getting to know anyone, i have a tough exterior that i let very few people see past, i think i fear being hurt so i dont let many people around me that has the power to do that, theres alot of people who think im rude and stand offish and stuck up, i let them think that cause i dont want the pressure of any form of relationship with them, its usually one of my friends or family saying hey you just dont know her, shes not like that, i dont know why im like that, ive always been, i hide away from the world too much and i think the biggest reason for hanging on to my xah is that he enabled that behaviour for me, he let me hide behind him so i wouldnt have to face the world, he done the talking out in public so i wouldnt have to so in a weird twisted way i guess we enabled each other in the most unhealthy way
i have social aniexty which is part of my problem, but now im forced to do everything myself , i have to make all my doctors appointments, i do all the talking, i do everything involving my son, because i have no choice anymore i cant fall back on my xah anymore to do those things for me, so maybe him leaving me is about the best thing he could have done for me, no matter how much it hurts, it forces me to come out of hiding and face the world and i need to do that