dor5711

I just got an email from my AXSO. The same old ....he loves us (me and my kids), he's doing well, he finally got to the point where he knows what to do, etc. Oh and "is there a future for us?" I don't know exactly where he is right now.....rehab, hospital, sober house? Remind me why I should not respond to him. PLEASE! I want to remind him what he has done to all of us and what I expect should happen before I talk to him again (true recovery, job, taking responsibility for his actions and finances, etc.). But I know it is probably better to just ignore it since I have heard it all before.....

Doreen

Barbara52

You know why you don't want to respond. Play the tape all the way through. Remember why you are no longer together. Think about what life is like now that you are out of the madness.

Only respond if that is what you think it what you need, not what he needs. And think about what your motives would be for responding.

Then you'll know what you want and need to do.

strongerwoman

This song comes to mind:

Love Don't Live Here Anymore
YouTube - Lady Antebellum - Love Don't Live Here

Well this heart of mine
Has been hardened like a stone
It might take some time
To get back what is gone
But I'm movin' on
And you don't haunt my dreams
Like you did before
When I would curse your name

Hey

Well I heard the news
That you were back in town
Just passin' through
To claim your lost and found

But I'm over you
And there ain't nothin' that
You could say or do
To take what you did back

Well you got nerve to waltz right in
And think what's mine is yours again

Well I've been doin' fine without you
Forgettin' all the love we once knew
And girl I ain't the one who slammed that door
But now you say you've changed your thinkin'
But I ain't got a heart for breakin'
So go and pick your bags up off my floor
Cuz love don't live here anymore

Oh no

Well baby you can try
To tell me how it is
And try to justify
Everything you did

But honey I'm no fool
And I've been down this road
Too many times with you
I think it's best you go

Well I got one thing left to say
Is you can lay in the bed you've made

Well I've been doin' fine without you
Forgettin' all the love we once knew
And girl I ain't the one who slammed that door
But now you say you've changed your thinkin'
But I ain't got a heart for breakin'
So go and pick your bags up off my floor
Cuz love don't live here anymore

Oh no no

Sugar no no

And you dont live here anymore
Love don't live here anymore
Since you walked out of my door
Love don't live here
Love don't live here girl

Oh love don't live here anymore

dor5711

What is so hard is that I do still care. BUT I care about the person I knew 3 years ago before he picked up again. That's what is so difficult about letting go. I know the person he was and I guess I just keep having hope that he will find his way again. And that is what I keep getting stuck on. BUT I also know I can't control it or fix it. I haven't had any contact with him since August and I will continue that. But can i still have hope?

strongerwoman

I know exactly how you feel.
I've learned that continuing to have hope that my STBXAH will get sober and stay sober and work like hell to fix all that is broken, well, it keeps me stuck.It keeps me in a place that is not good for me to linger in. It keeps me focused on him and what he is doing, not on me and my children and what we are doing.
I guess one can always have hope certainly, just dont be making life decisions on something so unsure and unsteady.

He's not the person he was three years ago. That man is gone.

It's heartbreaking, I know.

Barbara52

I left my now xAH 1 1/2 years ago. We've been divorced almost 6 months now. I doubt I will ever talk to him again unless by some odd chnace he comes back into town and I run into him somewhere (highly unlikely). I still pray every day he finds his way to recovery. I still care very much what happens to him. I am saddened anytime I think about how he is choosing to live his life. But I have let go and put all my concerns for him in God's hands. That's all I can do.

FormerDoormat

I think even if he could find a path to recovery, he wouldn't be the person he used to be. How could anybody be the same after descending into the depths of addiction? I know I'm not the same woman I was before I suffered from the effects of another person's drinking.

In some ways I'm better person for it as I've learned so much about myself as a result of participating on this forum. But in other ways, I'm much more guarded when it comes to relationships.

Even if alcoholism hadn't entered the picture, I still wouldn't be the same person I was three years ago. People change over time.

For me, it was best not to respond to my boyfriend's attempts to contact me because it was easy for me to get drawn back into the drama, especially immediately after I ended my relationship with him.

dor5711

Thank you all! I don't want to be dragged back into the drama and we all know how easily that can happen. So I guess I will ignore the email and continue to focus on me and my family.

Happy Thanksgiving!
Doreen

Still Waters

Where there is life, there is hope. If could reply and stay detached, then I would do so. If I couldn't, then I wouldn't.

I know for me, I need the hope that he will one day be able to live again. With or without me. To think otherwise is just too sad, too depressing. And, I choose to support (from afar) his road to recovery even if he's not on it.

embraced2000

i had to get off of the insane merry-go-round of addiction. it took me about 25 trials of hell to do it....but i finally "got it" and let go.

durn! it was tough, tough, tough to look at the person in front of me (my husband), and understand that his physical body was standing in front of me, but he was changed so much by his alcoholism that i did not recognize him any longer.

the man i married would have never, never, never spoke to me like he did, would have never abused me like he did, would have never done the things he did to us......my husband was gone. i did not know this man in front of me any longer.

he was gone. i couldn't pull my husband out of this stranger in front of me.

i about lost myself totally trying to do so.

how i wish i would have just let it all go much sooner and spared myself and my family so much pain and grief. we are all deeply scarred and forever changed by these years of effects of alcoholism on our family.

hindsight. (big, deep, soulful sigghhhhh)

hang tough. take care of yourself.
jeri

Rainbowgirl128

maybe he has gotten better. a lot of alcoholics/addicts do get better and go on to live very productive and successful lives but if this person broke your trust, that is an issue in itself. its hard to date someone who hurt you, addict or not. if you still see yourself with this person in the future...give it a chance. you may get hurt again, but i guess you will be vulnerable to being hurt in any new relationship.

dor5711

Thank you! It's a struggle between my heart and my head. No matter what I end up deciding, I will continue to stay detached. I will refuse to have any further contact with him unless he is in true recovery, has a job and is taking responsibility for his actions and finances. And that could take years. I will never put myself on that merry-go-round again. I would like him to know that but I don't think he is ready to "hear" it.

Thank you!
Doreen

queenteree

Doreen,
I have heard this all before too - 2 rehabs and intensive outpatient therapy in 15 mos. and he's still drinking. In fact, I heard it again this morning - wants to make it right, wants "us" to be happy, he "knows what he's got to do" ... blah blah blah ... Dollars to donuts, he'll be drunk by this afternoon. Why put yourself thru it?

dor5711

Within the last 2 years, he has been in rehab at least 6 times, psych hospitals 5 times, numerous detoxes and also did intensive outpatient therapy and a sober house plus he was in a coma for 10 days due to drinking although he still denies that it had anything to do with alcohol....... He was in two accidents and his license was suspended. He lost all hope of ever having visitation with his children (they are not my kids), cannot pay his child support or any of his bills. BUT he finally "gets it". Until the next time. And as I write all of that --- I now wonder how I can even think about having hope that he will ever get into true recovery. OH and just to tell anyone who doesn't know my story......he was sober for 17 years before he relapsed 3 years ago.

Doreen

FormerDoormat

I'm secretly hoping he finally gets the boot, but that's for you to decide.

dor5711

He sort of has gotten the boot. I kicked him out for the final time in August after he tried to ruin another special occasion and I wouldn't let him - my son's 18th birthday. I haven't had any contact with him since then. He has attempted to call and I just hang up the phone. I guess he finally got access to a computer and now emailed me and I haven't responded. So I have detached and cut him off. His family also decided to get orders of protection a couple of weeks ago and refuse to have any contact with him. We'll see how long that lasts.

Doreen

atalose

Dor,

You said in his e-mail that he said he knows what to do and also wants to know if there is a future for us? Then you say you don’t know exactly where he is right now, rehab, hospital, sober house?

I would think that if he were truly honest about wanting that, knowing it would mean he needs to be sober he would have told you what he’s been doing to achieve that these past 3 months. He would tell you where he was living and about his work towards remaining sober.

It sounds more like he’s feeling you out, waiting for your normal response of accepting him as is, then maybe he’d attempt some work to appease you after you’ve taken him back.

Stick to your gut, stick to you getting healthy, don’t reply, why bother, it’s just more of the same you had and working hard to get away from.

dor5711

I know he is trying to get me to "talk" to him since everyone else has deserted him. Wherever he is, I am sure he is doing well and what he has to do for the moment. BUT .... since August when I gave him the boot for the last time, he has been in a psych hospital at least twice, detox, a rehab for 5 weeks until he got kicked out for fighting, another short term rehab and who knows where else. He does what he has to do for the MOMENT and for someone to maybe take pity and help him and then it goes downhill again. BUT NOW HE FINALLY GETS IT? Yeah right! So I will not have any conversation with him. Once again I would like to just tell him that when he can show that he is in true recovery, can hold a job and be responsible for his actions and finances, then maybe we can have a few words. For now, he cannot tell me anything I haven't heard a hundred times before and he may have made some positive efforts at times but it hasn't lasted.

Happy Thanksgiving all!
Doreen