strongerwoman

I am at a loss here and would just like some suggestions about how you would deal with the situation if it were you......

First a bit of background - my STBXAH and I raised 7 kids together for 14 years. The way we had the holidays set up were that we got the kids for the major holidays during the even numbered years.

Now that I am sperated from STBXAH, we agreed to keep it as is, with me having the kids on the even numbered years and alternating.

This year all fell apart in that regard. Getting my job last month meant I was of course picked to work all of the major holidays this year. Can not get out of it. I work 7a-3:30p on Thanksgiving Day.

Out of the seven siblings, three are going to their mother's in another city for the holidays and three are going with their father to another state to visit all of our family, it was a last minute thing sprung upon me.

So, that leaves my 11yo daughter.
The plan was, before my STBXAH pulled his drunkenness crap this past weekend and upset her, that she would spend the day here at our house with STBXAH while I was at work. He would play games with her, watch movies with her and they would cook.
When I got home, we would eat, he would leave shortly thereafter.
This isnt an ideal situation, but the best I could figure out. STBXAH can be civil and friendly when we need to be.

Now, she is so mad at him, she will still not talk to him, nor answer his emails.
She came to me and told me that she would rather spend the whole holiday alone while I was at work. I asked her again last night about it all and she said she'd still rather spend the whole day alone.

I can't leave my child alone on Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean I technically could, but sheesh, that's just horrible.

Neither STBXAH or myself has family in the state. I have one friend and she is travelling out of state with her family. I literally have no one else to have her spend the day with.

STBXAH is of course all remourseful and apologetic now. As of last night she still wouldnt talk to him on the phone or email him.

Do I try and talk her into spending the day with him? Knowing he will be on his best behavior and they wont leave the house? They both really really like to cook, so most of the day could be spent doing that.

Or do I respect her wishes and leave her all alone on Thanksgiving? God that's horrible just typing it out!
Remember, there is no one else for her to be with.
What would you do?

Barbara52

I would respect her wishes, whatever they are. That validates her feelings and needs, something very important for her.

Does she perhaps have a friend she can go spend the day with? That might work.

And if not, I would indeed let her stay home alone until you get there. Looking at it logically, would it bother you to have her do that if it weren't THanksgiving? Probably not. So, treat it like it's just another day or a holiday that starts when you get home. Giving her your acceptance of her decision, her need to stay away from her father is much more important IMO than her being home alone for a few hours on a day that just happens to be a holiday.

strongerwoman

Thanks, no there is literally no one else she can spend the day with. Her friends are going out of town also.

You have a very logical way of explaining it, but it breaks my heart to think of her alone on Thanksgiving.

Still Waters

Oh my. This would bother me a lot too strongerwoman. I don't know what you do for a living but I take it there is no way she can go to work with you for that one day.

I think I would allow her to stay alone, as long as she had a way to contact me during the day.

I hope it all works out.

Barbara52

As hard as it may be to do, try detaching all the emotional baggage that you are carrying about the holiday and let your daughter be where she wants. And it probably is your emotional baggage that is making you see this as a difficult situation. Normal of course since as an adult you have a lifetime of holdiay memories and emotions hanging around.

Your daughter on the other hand is making a very wise decision that she does not want to be with the man who causes her problems (to put it mildly). Accept that decision and that for her, she is doing what she feels is the right thing. I truly do think she is showing wisdom beyond her years in deciding being alone is better than being with drunk daddy. A lot of us adults have trouble doing that! Let her know you are proud of her decision and that you will celebrate in your own way (whatever you end up doing) when you get home.

Make a new Thanksgiving tradition just for you and your daughter! Embrace the "differentness" and make it something special for just the 2 of you.

Heck my son and I are going to eat pizza and have a Risk tournament to see who is better at taking over the world. We are both very much looking forward to the day. It will be a heck of a lot better than cookign all day, eating too much and being with people we don't feel like being with.

cmc

Why not plan a special Thanksgiving for just the two of you either before you go to work or for when your shift is over? My mom and I used to spend every Wed. night together because that was dad's night out. I treasure those times when it was just the two of us; without dad, brother or sister. In my own family we've had to improvise for special days quite a few times; we've often chosen to celebrate a birthday two weeks late in order for everyone to be there. For me, it's not a special day until I make it special and it does not have to fall on 'the day' I'm celebrating.

strongerwoman

I am a nurse in a state psychiatric hospital.
We work with very unpredictable, often suddenly, unexplainably, violent. Most all of the time lots of very vulgar, nasty language going on. Lots of cussing and yelling at all of the staff, including me. Lots of "codes" called and people physically restrained and drugged, its never a pretty scene, but a daily one. We generally take the sickest of the sick that no one else takes.

There is no way she can go to work with me. They would never allow it, but I would never allow it, even if they did.

strongerwoman

Darn it, Barbara! You are too wise for your own good! (just kidding!)

Just really sucks for my daughter that this is what she has to deal with in her life. It makes me sooooooooooooooooooooooooo sad for her.

But yeah, she is a VERY smart girl, like you said - wise beyond her years.
Love that kid!

strongerwoman

Yeah, thats what we would do...celebrate on our own after I got home from work. Its an extra bummer for her too because her sisters (1/2 sisters really) will be spending the holidays in NY with all of our relatives (some of which are hers too) and she's stuck here in KY because her sisters are going with their father, not hers.
She was already bummed out about a "crappy Thanksgiving" and that was before all of this current stuff going on.

I'll have to try and make it really all about her that day, as much as I can with limited time and funds.

Barbara52

Aw shucks. Just a little of what I've learned dealing with divorce, kids and alcoholism. You'll get there too.

But with you to help her thru it all, she will be just fine.

I wish I had had a mother like you to help me learn that I had the right to say no, that alcoholism is not ok.

equinessa

Hi just thought I'd ad my two bob's worth. Are you allowed to ring from work? I have work colleagues who are sometimes in these situations with their kids and nobody minds if they are on the phone every other hour touching base with the kids at home. I just thought that if you get her a great book, game, puzzle or something you could ring and see she is up to with it.

I also thought the other idea of one of her friends places was a good one.

Growing up in an alcoholic household my sisters and I made lots of friends and we were always hitched up with a friend in case things got crazy at our place. I think most kids have formed close connections with their peers at pre-puberty anyway. But as your daughter has stated, she doesn't mind spending the earlier part of the day alone.

FormerDoormat

Is there anyway she could spend at the hospital with you? She could help pass out Thanksgiving dinner to the patients and then ride home with you and the two of you could cook a simple feast for two.

Perhaps if you explained the situation to your supervisor, he/she might go for the idea. After all, it is Thanksgiving.

prodigal

I guess the latest performance her A dad pulled did it for her. She's been exposed to him enough and I applaud her ability to set a boundary and realize when enough is enough.

While you're gone, can you set up some of her favorite DVD's for her to watch? Yes, it stinks that she will be alone, but it sounds like she prefers that to being around her dad.

She sounds like a very strong little girl.

Freedom1990

That's a really good idea! I know when my youngest was around that age and I occasionally had to work a weekend shift, she was tickled pink if I rented a few videos (back before DVDs) of her favorite movies to watch.

I had pop and microwave popcorn on hand, and then we usually picked out a movie that both of us could watch together when I got home.

genrs123

Is there a FRIEND she could go to thanksgiving with pre arranged?

thanksgiving is my (alcoholic) brother's holiday with my parents as i am vegetarian and not a huge fan anyway. i chose not to be around him or talk to him, ever.

I have been spending thanksgiving with various friends for probably the past 7 years or so. it isnt very traditional, but its not a big deal at all since it isnt and i spend it with different people.

Latte

We have changed things up a few times. One year DH had to be at work (a boat ride away from us) during T-giving. The girls and I went to a friends house that day and when DH got home we had a taco feast. He had turkey out at work.

We have celebrated things a day late, a week late, with friends of friends, with my recovery friends (DH was suprised at how crazy we get...who made the snowman with three noses??). I used to have a perfect picture in my head and then we started dealing with deployments and living away from immediate family and having co-workers (military) needing a place to go for T-giving and other holidays.

We've created new traditions and I love it and my girls love it too.

catlovermi

Here's another option: Nowadays most grocery stores offer a package TG meal for pretty reasonable ($40 or so). You could order their smallest package meal and be ready to swing by and pick it up after work, and then give her a little project of making the house festive in her own way during the day - she could make some decorations, set the table as she wanted, etc. Or she could make a special dessert, etc. during the day. Your meal would only be a bit later than most, and she would have spent all day in leisurely preparation for a special time, with something to focus on during those hours.

Barbara52

I love that idea! Most 11 yr olds I've known would really get into that!