Dealing With Anger
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Dealing With Anger
Hi,
I wanted to see how others deal with anger from painful and disasterous situations caused by your alcoholic loved ones. As most of you know, mine is gone now, but there is a large amount of unresolved anger towrads him that I think I have been internalizing. I know to let it go. I know it is unhealthy, but it surfaces nevertheless.
I'll be fine for a day or two and then starting crying and not be able to stop.
One friend suggested that I stop feeling sorry for my EXABF for being an alcoholic. He did some really horrible things that have left me in a bad state and I have the right to be angry. What do you do with the anger?
I exercise, go to church, school, al anon, a therapist and try to be healthy.
I will be okay eventually (in my mind I know that), but my heart and emotions are a different story.
I wanted to see how others deal with anger from painful and disasterous situations caused by your alcoholic loved ones. As most of you know, mine is gone now, but there is a large amount of unresolved anger towrads him that I think I have been internalizing. I know to let it go. I know it is unhealthy, but it surfaces nevertheless.
I'll be fine for a day or two and then starting crying and not be able to stop.
One friend suggested that I stop feeling sorry for my EXABF for being an alcoholic. He did some really horrible things that have left me in a bad state and I have the right to be angry. What do you do with the anger?
I exercise, go to church, school, al anon, a therapist and try to be healthy.
I will be okay eventually (in my mind I know that), but my heart and emotions are a different story.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
I too had lots and lots of anger built up inside. I started writing, didn't make a lot of sense some mornings, just ramblings but it helped to get it out. Plus I was feeling feelings.
For so many years I stuffed things down so deep inside I spent most of my time numb. All that stuff came bubbling up to the surface, years and years of it and to be honest sometimes it was ugly. But it was so necessary for me to get all the poison out, I realize now it was eating me up. I've written pages and pages, lists and lists, letters that I have never mailed. I also go for walks with my constant companion my chocolate lab and talk out loud and sometimes yell. Good thing I live out in the country!
These are some of the things that I have done and continue to do along with my support group and therapy, I hope it helps you find peace, K.
For so many years I stuffed things down so deep inside I spent most of my time numb. All that stuff came bubbling up to the surface, years and years of it and to be honest sometimes it was ugly. But it was so necessary for me to get all the poison out, I realize now it was eating me up. I've written pages and pages, lists and lists, letters that I have never mailed. I also go for walks with my constant companion my chocolate lab and talk out loud and sometimes yell. Good thing I live out in the country!
These are some of the things that I have done and continue to do along with my support group and therapy, I hope it helps you find peace, K.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Lately I started with some tae bo videos
I would suggest karate, martial arts, kick boxing, training for a marathon ... going up a hill...
I realized it is difficult to feel sorry or cry when you are sweating and exhausted
Watch Kill Bill!!
I imagine I kick him in his privates
I am trying to get into the kick-ass hibernation where I back off and then come back with a few pounds less, feeling and looking great, fit, flashy, and loving my life
LONG RUN!! but as usual the best revenge is 1 ) indifference 2) looking better without him 3) happiness
Good luck getting everything out!! We rule!!
I would suggest karate, martial arts, kick boxing, training for a marathon ... going up a hill...
I realized it is difficult to feel sorry or cry when you are sweating and exhausted
Watch Kill Bill!!
I imagine I kick him in his privates
I am trying to get into the kick-ass hibernation where I back off and then come back with a few pounds less, feeling and looking great, fit, flashy, and loving my life
LONG RUN!! but as usual the best revenge is 1 ) indifference 2) looking better without him 3) happiness
Good luck getting everything out!! We rule!!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by MissFixit 
No. I don't have a sponsor. In my group only a couple of people have sponsors. I would not feel comfortable asking someone to do that right now. I have only been to 5-6 meetings.
((( )))
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Mudgee NSW
Posts: 70
Hi I'm new to this forum and get so much out of it. Wish I'd found it years ago. I live in remote Australia and get to one al-anon meeting a week. I have been reading the forums for about a month and must admit to neglecting other things i "should" be doing in preference to sitting here and reading the posts and occasionally even posting. It still makes me nervous, although I have no problem talking face to face.
I read your post and want to say that I am also a slave to my anger with varying degrees of success at not letting it cloud my judgement and decision making completely. I still live with my AH who for today, is sober..........well not drinking, I am becoming aware that sobriety is another thing entirely.
I have read lots of literature. I could scream at the parts that say that we get angry when things don't turn out the way we want them to.............because I know that is true. I suppose I get a certain idea of how I'd like my life to be or how I'd like my AH to behave toward me (either past or present) and then I can get into a real turmoil over it. Occasionally I get to the point where I ring one of the al-anon fellowship members who has 20yrs of recovery under her belt, and I hear her patient, kind, non-judging words.
I think Denny suggested this in another way, a sponsor.
That works for me. I still haven't got that far with the belief in a Higher Power, because I am a child of the seventies, read Marx and Engles and believe that religion is a social structure left over from the Feudal system, and an instrument of the state to control the masses, and in particular women's sexuality. I have a fragile belief in the collective unconscious, and the scientific order of the universe so that will have to do for now.
My fellowship friends always remind me that I have the right to live my life fully and that to do what makes me happy, and when I do that I do lose, at least for a while, that "driven anger".........such a punitive task master.
What is your favourite occupation, sport, reading, art, socialising, theatre, opera, philosophy, science, bush-walking, mountaineering?
I see that Kingston lives in Canada......I believe it is magically beautiful. Lucky you with all those mountains. But better close I am getting off the topic.
I read your post and want to say that I am also a slave to my anger with varying degrees of success at not letting it cloud my judgement and decision making completely. I still live with my AH who for today, is sober..........well not drinking, I am becoming aware that sobriety is another thing entirely.
I have read lots of literature. I could scream at the parts that say that we get angry when things don't turn out the way we want them to.............because I know that is true. I suppose I get a certain idea of how I'd like my life to be or how I'd like my AH to behave toward me (either past or present) and then I can get into a real turmoil over it. Occasionally I get to the point where I ring one of the al-anon fellowship members who has 20yrs of recovery under her belt, and I hear her patient, kind, non-judging words.
I think Denny suggested this in another way, a sponsor.
That works for me. I still haven't got that far with the belief in a Higher Power, because I am a child of the seventies, read Marx and Engles and believe that religion is a social structure left over from the Feudal system, and an instrument of the state to control the masses, and in particular women's sexuality. I have a fragile belief in the collective unconscious, and the scientific order of the universe so that will have to do for now.
My fellowship friends always remind me that I have the right to live my life fully and that to do what makes me happy, and when I do that I do lose, at least for a while, that "driven anger".........such a punitive task master.
What is your favourite occupation, sport, reading, art, socialising, theatre, opera, philosophy, science, bush-walking, mountaineering?
I see that Kingston lives in Canada......I believe it is magically beautiful. Lucky you with all those mountains. But better close I am getting off the topic.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Thanks.
I don't know what I like to do anymore. I used to enjoy yoga, cooking,exercising, reading, movies, long walks and oddly enough weekend errands with my ex (I think it was that we were together but had a list of things to do, so I felt like I was accomplishing something). Now, in school, I study, exercise daily and that's about it. Grad school isn't a party at least not for me, which might be part of my problem at this point in time. It is hard enough with out depression too.
I don't know what I like to do anymore. I used to enjoy yoga, cooking,exercising, reading, movies, long walks and oddly enough weekend errands with my ex (I think it was that we were together but had a list of things to do, so I felt like I was accomplishing something). Now, in school, I study, exercise daily and that's about it. Grad school isn't a party at least not for me, which might be part of my problem at this point in time. It is hard enough with out depression too.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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Originally Posted by equinessa
and believe that religion is a social structure left over from the Feudal system, and an instrument of the state to control the masses, and in particular women's sexuality. I have a fragile belief in the collective unconscious, and the scientific order of the universe so that will have to do for now.
I see that Kingston lives in Canada......I believe it is magically beautiful. Lucky you with all those mountains.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
and believe that religion is a social structure left over from the Feudal system, and an instrument of the state to control the masses, and in particular women's sexuality. I have a fragile belief in the collective unconscious, and the scientific order of the universe so that will have to do for now.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Mudgee NSW
Posts: 70
Thanks FormerDoormat and Denny, your comments give me faith that I am not the only one who has a view of a higher power that isn't lifted from the Temperance League and Methodist Theological frameworks, and that despite that I can still apply this program shaped to my own view of the world. So lovely to meet you all!
Miss Fixit, I am an expert at neglecting the fun aspects of my own life. And am also an expert at "advising" others on the fact that they need fun or even interests in their lives. I moved to the country from Sydney because I have a passion for horse-riding, it was originally jumping, but as i got older and my bones became more brittle I had an accident where I broke my ankle quite badly and started doing Dressage to get my confidence back. I fell in love with it and have now got a breeding stud with over 30 horses. However the progression meant that I spent less and less time riding and more and more time doing all the things that need to be done on a stud for it to be viable. All the lawns, the gear cleaning, the foal handling the feeding, the stallion handling, the advertising etc. Pretty soon I was doing nothing but working 7 days a week and boy did I let everyone know! One day, recently, speaking to an al-anon member she asked me what I did for pleasure. I looked at her as though she had come from the moon. then pulled myself together and diligently repeated the above list. Then she said "Yes, that's stud work isn't it? What do you do for pleasure/leisure?" Wham. I had succeeded in turning my pleasure into labour. Next day I dusted off the leather top boots and got on one of the young gelding with a bit if training under his belt. In the round yard at first and then as I got my confidence back over a week, took him out cross-country. My husband was in re-hab at the time. I found that interesting. I had given up my most pleasurable past-time because I must have somehow thought that if I work this thing I can get ahead. I now know that hard work does help things to a point. But if that is all there is, we just get worn down and angry. When my husband came home from re-hab, he was shocked. Wow great to see you riding again he said.
I must say that nobody made me stop but me. I did. I just didn't know I was doing it. Can anyone else relate to that? Unknowingly stopping doing things that we enjoy? Is it a martyring thing? I wonder. I find I have to make a concerted effort to do what I love doing. It is second nature to me to work, clean, organise, care for others but not for myself. It even feels that I am being selfish, indulgent even. But to my surprise nobody cared a hoot. Nobody came and barked "Why aren't you working? Your supposed to work and keep the whole show on the road!"
So, sorry if I am long winded about this topic, but that is what I am learning about me. I think fun is soooooooooooo important, and although it is something i still have to consciously do it is worth it once I am doing it. I completely forget about all my worries, notwithstanding, I take the focus off others and let them be. And jees that feels good. Like freedom.
Miss Fixit, I am an expert at neglecting the fun aspects of my own life. And am also an expert at "advising" others on the fact that they need fun or even interests in their lives. I moved to the country from Sydney because I have a passion for horse-riding, it was originally jumping, but as i got older and my bones became more brittle I had an accident where I broke my ankle quite badly and started doing Dressage to get my confidence back. I fell in love with it and have now got a breeding stud with over 30 horses. However the progression meant that I spent less and less time riding and more and more time doing all the things that need to be done on a stud for it to be viable. All the lawns, the gear cleaning, the foal handling the feeding, the stallion handling, the advertising etc. Pretty soon I was doing nothing but working 7 days a week and boy did I let everyone know! One day, recently, speaking to an al-anon member she asked me what I did for pleasure. I looked at her as though she had come from the moon. then pulled myself together and diligently repeated the above list. Then she said "Yes, that's stud work isn't it? What do you do for pleasure/leisure?" Wham. I had succeeded in turning my pleasure into labour. Next day I dusted off the leather top boots and got on one of the young gelding with a bit if training under his belt. In the round yard at first and then as I got my confidence back over a week, took him out cross-country. My husband was in re-hab at the time. I found that interesting. I had given up my most pleasurable past-time because I must have somehow thought that if I work this thing I can get ahead. I now know that hard work does help things to a point. But if that is all there is, we just get worn down and angry. When my husband came home from re-hab, he was shocked. Wow great to see you riding again he said.
I must say that nobody made me stop but me. I did. I just didn't know I was doing it. Can anyone else relate to that? Unknowingly stopping doing things that we enjoy? Is it a martyring thing? I wonder. I find I have to make a concerted effort to do what I love doing. It is second nature to me to work, clean, organise, care for others but not for myself. It even feels that I am being selfish, indulgent even. But to my surprise nobody cared a hoot. Nobody came and barked "Why aren't you working? Your supposed to work and keep the whole show on the road!"
So, sorry if I am long winded about this topic, but that is what I am learning about me. I think fun is soooooooooooo important, and although it is something i still have to consciously do it is worth it once I am doing it. I completely forget about all my worries, notwithstanding, I take the focus off others and let them be. And jees that feels good. Like freedom.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Mudgee NSW
Posts: 70
And yes Denny,
Australia has a drinking culture for sure. I come from a long line of those who know how to work hard and drink hard. Not a good start for adopting a spiritual way of living!
I haven't seen Baz's movie yet, but am looking forward to it. Believe it's an epic........well for us anyway. I was in LA and Las Vegus last year for the Work Cup Showjumping Championships. I'd never been to the Sates before that. What a place! I have this yearnong to go to New York one day and go and see all the shows on Broadway. We were raised on American TV shows. I still know all the words to the Superman intro..........you know the "Faster than a speeding bullet". Sometimes when we get together at Christmas my sisters and I get on a role and start reciting them or singing the jingles.
Is there an atmosphere of *****-dee-hoo now that Barak is about to step into the White House? He will have a tough job on his hands guiding capital through their latest finincial crisis. I suppose that has put somewhat of a dampner on the celebrations. Apologies to anyone who is offended by my bringing up the topic, but we were all watching it with bated breath here. History in the making. Change! It felt like when the election of our Prime Minister in 73 meant that the troops, many of whom I had gone to school with (18yrs) would be withdrawn for Viet Nam.
Did you see the movie Little Miss Sunshine? I think along with Apocalypse now it is my all time favorite movie.
Sorry again for getting off the topic. Suppose at the very least I'm distracting us from anger.
Australia has a drinking culture for sure. I come from a long line of those who know how to work hard and drink hard. Not a good start for adopting a spiritual way of living!
I haven't seen Baz's movie yet, but am looking forward to it. Believe it's an epic........well for us anyway. I was in LA and Las Vegus last year for the Work Cup Showjumping Championships. I'd never been to the Sates before that. What a place! I have this yearnong to go to New York one day and go and see all the shows on Broadway. We were raised on American TV shows. I still know all the words to the Superman intro..........you know the "Faster than a speeding bullet". Sometimes when we get together at Christmas my sisters and I get on a role and start reciting them or singing the jingles.
Is there an atmosphere of *****-dee-hoo now that Barak is about to step into the White House? He will have a tough job on his hands guiding capital through their latest finincial crisis. I suppose that has put somewhat of a dampner on the celebrations. Apologies to anyone who is offended by my bringing up the topic, but we were all watching it with bated breath here. History in the making. Change! It felt like when the election of our Prime Minister in 73 meant that the troops, many of whom I had gone to school with (18yrs) would be withdrawn for Viet Nam.
Did you see the movie Little Miss Sunshine? I think along with Apocalypse now it is my all time favorite movie.
Sorry again for getting off the topic. Suppose at the very least I'm distracting us from anger.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Equinessa,
Thank you for all that you wrote. I think you and I might deal with stress in a similar fashion. Years ago I used to have fun.
Although it is not his fault at all, I stopped having fun in my life outside of my relationship with L probably 2 1/2 years ago. I don't know why exactly. We spent ALL of our time together. He had returned from rehab and I saw that he had a major problem and needed support. I loved him deeply and did not know what to do to help him. I thought that rehab and following treatment would "turn him around." I have always tried to speak openly and rationally with him about alcoholism and dealing with it. I was successlly working in a good job and felt happy and on top of the world. Then the trouble really took hold.
He was floundering. One day strong and the new 5 drunk. I couldn't rely on him, but kept believing that I could as I knew nothing of alcoholism. I stayed firmly committed to him and tried MANY approaches to being supportive of him. Nice, Loving, Super nice, Firm, Scolding, Nagging, trying to act perfect so he could mirror me. I know, it was sick. I honestly believed that it was the morally correct thing to do. (I grew up with notions that "good" people take care of those who struggled and since he was sick, he was in that category). I loved him and when we were together, he NEVER drank. I did not know that when I was gone for more thatn 1 day, he would go on benders and drink daily.
I stopped thinking about what I wanted back then. I only thought about what we needed as a couple and how to get him through this bad spell, which has lasted for years now. He is having with his new fiance, so in a way I think I might have driven him away. He is drinking with her though. When I think of fun, I think of him. I don't know how to be happy or have fun right now without him and this frightens me. I am so independent and strong in most of my life, that I never realized how vulnerable and dependent I was personally.
I used to like to bake, but don't want too many sweets around my apartment. I like making soups, stews, pasta sauces, and roasting meats now. I went through a Chinese phase, but take out is so much easier that has passed. As treats for myself, I will get massages or buy shoes.
Thank you for all that you wrote. I think you and I might deal with stress in a similar fashion. Years ago I used to have fun.
Although it is not his fault at all, I stopped having fun in my life outside of my relationship with L probably 2 1/2 years ago. I don't know why exactly. We spent ALL of our time together. He had returned from rehab and I saw that he had a major problem and needed support. I loved him deeply and did not know what to do to help him. I thought that rehab and following treatment would "turn him around." I have always tried to speak openly and rationally with him about alcoholism and dealing with it. I was successlly working in a good job and felt happy and on top of the world. Then the trouble really took hold.
He was floundering. One day strong and the new 5 drunk. I couldn't rely on him, but kept believing that I could as I knew nothing of alcoholism. I stayed firmly committed to him and tried MANY approaches to being supportive of him. Nice, Loving, Super nice, Firm, Scolding, Nagging, trying to act perfect so he could mirror me. I know, it was sick. I honestly believed that it was the morally correct thing to do. (I grew up with notions that "good" people take care of those who struggled and since he was sick, he was in that category). I loved him and when we were together, he NEVER drank. I did not know that when I was gone for more thatn 1 day, he would go on benders and drink daily.
I stopped thinking about what I wanted back then. I only thought about what we needed as a couple and how to get him through this bad spell, which has lasted for years now. He is having with his new fiance, so in a way I think I might have driven him away. He is drinking with her though. When I think of fun, I think of him. I don't know how to be happy or have fun right now without him and this frightens me. I am so independent and strong in most of my life, that I never realized how vulnerable and dependent I was personally.
I used to like to bake, but don't want too many sweets around my apartment. I like making soups, stews, pasta sauces, and roasting meats now. I went through a Chinese phase, but take out is so much easier that has passed. As treats for myself, I will get massages or buy shoes.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi friend I am right there with you. It is amazing how an independent woman suddenly has A LOT of her taken away by an alcoholic in her life. But you can come back and be the same person!! YOU STILL GOT IT!
The good thing is that you are finally free. It sucks to know the guy is drinking with others, somehow you miss your misery.. and well it is also natural, missing the good times. IT is heart breaking!! So right now you only need to DECIDE to get control over your life and start doing whatever you wish... I know it is very tough to start from zero and you are overwhelmed...but start with little things
Yesterday a friend invited me to the theater and yes I thought about my ex ALL the time... but this guy smiled to me, walked by me, talked to me in a very respectful and nice way and I will join his theater lessons next Saturday... so eventhough mentally I am still with my ex in the past, I am making an effort to move on... make an effort!! You can do it.
I am not used to someone treating me good and somehow I was bored but then I said "well? would you rather have another addict in your life?"
It's time for better people in our lives.
The good thing is that you are finally free. It sucks to know the guy is drinking with others, somehow you miss your misery.. and well it is also natural, missing the good times. IT is heart breaking!! So right now you only need to DECIDE to get control over your life and start doing whatever you wish... I know it is very tough to start from zero and you are overwhelmed...but start with little things
Yesterday a friend invited me to the theater and yes I thought about my ex ALL the time... but this guy smiled to me, walked by me, talked to me in a very respectful and nice way and I will join his theater lessons next Saturday... so eventhough mentally I am still with my ex in the past, I am making an effort to move on... make an effort!! You can do it.
I am not used to someone treating me good and somehow I was bored but then I said "well? would you rather have another addict in your life?"
It's time for better people in our lives.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
My experience was exactly the same as Denny's, in that the steps absolutely worked for me although I didn't wait to "feel better" then do the steps, I did the steps to feel better, a holdover from learning that in AA.
Now the funny thing is I got instant relief or gratification from the steps, but that was only the tip of the iceberg, I did get a much better working knowledge of myself by seeing the same pattern in every relationship, it's hard to argue with a piece of paper that I wrote showing me do the same thing with different people over and over and over.
In each of these "stories" I have a "story" why this "story" worked out the way it did, but when I have ten "stories" with ten people and they all look exactly the same way, and they all have me sitting in the same place and doing the same thing.....well a pattern began to emerge....they all had "me" in common...
was hard to look at.
I got to begin seeing "my part"
OK, here is where it got good, as in OMFG really good, as in amazing good, as I began reaching out to others two things began happening:
One: I began to see people doing the exact same things I had been doing, having the same feelings, struggling with the same issues, and as I began to share my experience, strength and hope (read: in many cases parroting the things I had learned here and from meetings/sponsor/recovery friends) I would have these HUGE a-ha moments, as in OH!!!! that's what this means, as well as seeing different "versions" of my own behavior "without my story" so I was finally able to start "seeing" my part and behavior much more clearly.
The second part was inexplicable, once I "started this machine" of recovery, these "strings of coincidences" started happening that in many cases were literally nothing short of miraculous. I don't talk about this to many people who haven't worked the steps, but the steps literally "make miracles commonplace" and if I talk to someone who has worked the steps and is working the steps they will say of course, it's just part of the deal, but if I talk to someone who hasn't I appear a zealot or religious nut, neither of which could be further from the truth.
it's really strange, I am not a christian in any way shape or form, but those steps absolutely put me in touch "with a power greater then myself" that was personal to me, then started working in my life in such a way that I absolutely couldn't ignore, I could be labeled an agnostic, atheist, Taoist, Buddhist, or Gnostic seeker and all would be 100% correct, and 100% true, none of these beliefs have a "higher power" but all are correct and fit me, but there it is, my "higher power I mean. I am a very mathematically based creature and if something didn't "add up" I wouldn't "believe in it" and today I don't even try to put a label or define what my beliefs are with a label, it's just too limiting...I just look at the "evidence" at which there is an overwhelming preponderance of, smile, and watch the sunset. Now another funny thing that happened was for my entire life I had been fervently "anti-christian" now, in addition to all those "other labels" I wrote earlier, I can sit down and talk with someone with a christian based belief and absolutely hear, understand and agree with everything they say, and in the same conversation have a Buddhist talking to me, and have all three of us agree harmoniously, have our own beliefs yet agree exactly with what the other is saying, knowing that there are many paths up the mountain, and that only thing that separates our beliefs are some slight shifts in Dogma. It's really a blast.
hmm....ummm......OOOOO KAY......good coffee
I agree with Denny......../runs away
Now the funny thing is I got instant relief or gratification from the steps, but that was only the tip of the iceberg, I did get a much better working knowledge of myself by seeing the same pattern in every relationship, it's hard to argue with a piece of paper that I wrote showing me do the same thing with different people over and over and over.
In each of these "stories" I have a "story" why this "story" worked out the way it did, but when I have ten "stories" with ten people and they all look exactly the same way, and they all have me sitting in the same place and doing the same thing.....well a pattern began to emerge....they all had "me" in common...
was hard to look at.
I got to begin seeing "my part"
OK, here is where it got good, as in OMFG really good, as in amazing good, as I began reaching out to others two things began happening:
One: I began to see people doing the exact same things I had been doing, having the same feelings, struggling with the same issues, and as I began to share my experience, strength and hope (read: in many cases parroting the things I had learned here and from meetings/sponsor/recovery friends) I would have these HUGE a-ha moments, as in OH!!!! that's what this means, as well as seeing different "versions" of my own behavior "without my story" so I was finally able to start "seeing" my part and behavior much more clearly.
The second part was inexplicable, once I "started this machine" of recovery, these "strings of coincidences" started happening that in many cases were literally nothing short of miraculous. I don't talk about this to many people who haven't worked the steps, but the steps literally "make miracles commonplace" and if I talk to someone who has worked the steps and is working the steps they will say of course, it's just part of the deal, but if I talk to someone who hasn't I appear a zealot or religious nut, neither of which could be further from the truth.
it's really strange, I am not a christian in any way shape or form, but those steps absolutely put me in touch "with a power greater then myself" that was personal to me, then started working in my life in such a way that I absolutely couldn't ignore, I could be labeled an agnostic, atheist, Taoist, Buddhist, or Gnostic seeker and all would be 100% correct, and 100% true, none of these beliefs have a "higher power" but all are correct and fit me, but there it is, my "higher power I mean. I am a very mathematically based creature and if something didn't "add up" I wouldn't "believe in it" and today I don't even try to put a label or define what my beliefs are with a label, it's just too limiting...I just look at the "evidence" at which there is an overwhelming preponderance of, smile, and watch the sunset. Now another funny thing that happened was for my entire life I had been fervently "anti-christian" now, in addition to all those "other labels" I wrote earlier, I can sit down and talk with someone with a christian based belief and absolutely hear, understand and agree with everything they say, and in the same conversation have a Buddhist talking to me, and have all three of us agree harmoniously, have our own beliefs yet agree exactly with what the other is saying, knowing that there are many paths up the mountain, and that only thing that separates our beliefs are some slight shifts in Dogma. It's really a blast.
hmm....ummm......OOOOO KAY......good coffee
I agree with Denny......../runs away
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Thanks Guys,
What you write makes sense. Sounds like I need to maybe find a sponsor or at least talk with someone from my group about it.
Can you work the steps alone? I have One Day at a Time and Courage to Change, both of which I read daily. The steps are listed in each, but I have no idea how to implement them. Is that what the sponsor helps with?
What you write makes sense. Sounds like I need to maybe find a sponsor or at least talk with someone from my group about it.
Can you work the steps alone? I have One Day at a Time and Courage to Change, both of which I read daily. The steps are listed in each, but I have no idea how to implement them. Is that what the sponsor helps with?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by MissFixit
Thanks Guys,
What you write makes sense. Sounds like I need to maybe find a sponsor or at least talk with someone from my group about it.
Can you work the steps alone? I have One Day at a Time and Courage to Change, both of which I read daily. The steps are listed in each, but I have no idea how to implement them. Is that what the sponsor helps with?
What you write makes sense. Sounds like I need to maybe find a sponsor or at least talk with someone from my group about it.
Can you work the steps alone? I have One Day at a Time and Courage to Change, both of which I read daily. The steps are listed in each, but I have no idea how to implement them. Is that what the sponsor helps with?
I can't "see" myself because my eyes are looking at the world, not at myself, unless I use a mirror, my sponsor is that mirror.
The way I heard it explained is I can't fix "what's broken" with "what's broken", I literally have an inability to see those things in my thinking that need fixing...because they need fixing.
There is so much more though, the unconditional love you get from a good sponsor, and later on with a good sponsee you get to actually learn how to have a "perfect healthy" relationship because in a very real way that's you have with a sponsor and sponsee. You learn how to rely on someone then to have someone rely on you in a healthy, non attached way.
All of this is "my experience" sorry to put it in a "you" format.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Blueprint for Progress is a good source to get started. Others use the guide of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Others use one then the 2nd time the other, etc. It always helps, in my opinion, to have someone to talk with about them, even if it's not an official sponsor. There's even a book out there with Charlie Brown illustrations on how to work the 12 steps LOL.
There is no right or wrong way to work the steps. The 5th step is about admitting to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. For a lot of people, that is their sponsor. For me, it was my therapist. I now feel I can share some things in meetings and with friends in Al Anon, but trust came hard for me and I wanted to work that step. That was a time when I really got the program - the take what you like, leave the rest; working it, etc.
Good luck!
There is no right or wrong way to work the steps. The 5th step is about admitting to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. For a lot of people, that is their sponsor. For me, it was my therapist. I now feel I can share some things in meetings and with friends in Al Anon, but trust came hard for me and I wanted to work that step. That was a time when I really got the program - the take what you like, leave the rest; working it, etc.
Good luck!
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