Making a Thanksgiving decision
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: My side of the street
Posts: 15
Making a Thanksgiving decision
My AH moved out two weeks ago when I stated I couldn't handle this on my own anymore and I was going to Alanon.
Since then he has initiated some type of contact with me everyday. I have responded when necessary and let other contact go.
We met briefly this past weekend to "talk". I told him I have lived with his drinking for 24 years. I can't do it anymore. He has been sober at times (at one point for 2 years) but he always goes back. I told him that as long as he is drinking his number one relationship is with the bottle and not with me. I don't want to live like that anymore.
And yes, I've had gut wrenchting days where I have to drag myself out of bed and do the next right thing. I have driven myself to two Alanon meetings in the last week and will be going to my third tonight. And I've cried myself through both of them.
I found another part time job so that I'm now up to 40 hours a week and continue looking for a full time job with benefits.
I spend hours reading these boards and any Alanon books I can get my hands on. I even ordered Codependant No More and can't wait to begin that book.
It's only been 2 weeks but I feel like I'm making progress inch by inch.
And now he wants to come to Thanksgiving with my family. He thinks it will be best for the boys (17 & 16). I'm still a "newborn" in this recovery and I need some wisdom from all of you. Do I allow him to attend (I really believe HE doesn't want to be alone on Thanksgiving). I hate feeling all this anger inside that I have directed towards him. It's not helping me move forward.
What would you do? How would you approach this situation? I know ultimately I have to make this decision myself but I need some input from those of you who have walked in my shoes and are futher down the road.
Kaye
Since then he has initiated some type of contact with me everyday. I have responded when necessary and let other contact go.
We met briefly this past weekend to "talk". I told him I have lived with his drinking for 24 years. I can't do it anymore. He has been sober at times (at one point for 2 years) but he always goes back. I told him that as long as he is drinking his number one relationship is with the bottle and not with me. I don't want to live like that anymore.
And yes, I've had gut wrenchting days where I have to drag myself out of bed and do the next right thing. I have driven myself to two Alanon meetings in the last week and will be going to my third tonight. And I've cried myself through both of them.
I found another part time job so that I'm now up to 40 hours a week and continue looking for a full time job with benefits.
I spend hours reading these boards and any Alanon books I can get my hands on. I even ordered Codependant No More and can't wait to begin that book.
It's only been 2 weeks but I feel like I'm making progress inch by inch.
And now he wants to come to Thanksgiving with my family. He thinks it will be best for the boys (17 & 16). I'm still a "newborn" in this recovery and I need some wisdom from all of you. Do I allow him to attend (I really believe HE doesn't want to be alone on Thanksgiving). I hate feeling all this anger inside that I have directed towards him. It's not helping me move forward.
What would you do? How would you approach this situation? I know ultimately I have to make this decision myself but I need some input from those of you who have walked in my shoes and are futher down the road.
Kaye
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I separated from my H many years ago when my sons were young - 3 and 5. We split the first week in November. I felt sorry for him and allowed him to travel with us to my family Thanksgiving. It was very uncomfortable for everyone who was there.
In my experience, the best thing for my sons then AND now has been for them to see their mom treated with love, dignity and respect. We work hard at keeping toxic people out of our lives, and if we have to spend time with someone toxic, we do as little as possible.
I didn't want my sons growing up and thinking that MY marriage was one they would want to strive for. They were learning how to treat their wives by watching how their father treated me.
My ex struggled, but he managed to mend his relationship with his own family enough that he could spend holidays with them. Perhaps yours can too.
Hugs
Cats
In my experience, the best thing for my sons then AND now has been for them to see their mom treated with love, dignity and respect. We work hard at keeping toxic people out of our lives, and if we have to spend time with someone toxic, we do as little as possible.
I didn't want my sons growing up and thinking that MY marriage was one they would want to strive for. They were learning how to treat their wives by watching how their father treated me.
My ex struggled, but he managed to mend his relationship with his own family enough that he could spend holidays with them. Perhaps yours can too.
Hugs
Cats
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
For me - the healthiest thing I could do was no contact what so ever. But you have kids involved in this, perhaps asking them how comfortable they feel might give you some guidance?
Congratulations on coming this far in only two weeks. I left my AH of 24 years in August after similar experiences that you spoke about.
Keep reading, posting, attending meetings whatever it takes for your healing journey. All the best, K.
Congratulations on coming this far in only two weeks. I left my AH of 24 years in August after similar experiences that you spoke about.
Keep reading, posting, attending meetings whatever it takes for your healing journey. All the best, K.
Last edited by kingston; 11-25-2008 at 05:21 AM. Reason: spelling
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Are you the hostess? Or is it another family member?
Has T-giving traditionally been the same every year - does it involve drinking and chaos?
After my divorce I first had to accept that no matter what we did from that day forward things were going to be "different." We have been able to participate in holidays together, I think because I have always been so completely clear in my mind that I am over the relationship, and because I have never trash-talked him to my family - I mean they know what his problems are but I've been able to keep the venom out of my explanations (...well except w/ my sister maybe ;-))
It's a tough call - and my kids were much younger at the stage you are at....all I can say is no matter what you decide keep an open mind, accept that it will all feel different and weird no matter what you decide - because things are changing for the better for you and for your family dynamic.
If it is going to be a miserable occasion then don't do it- protect yourself and take strength from your decision. If there is a good possibility that it will be civil and the beginning of a new style of family get-togethers then try it....
Oy- holidays are so stressful!!!!!!!!
Peace & good luck kaye-- I bet you hear some Holiday shares at your AlAnon meeting tonight!!
B.
Has T-giving traditionally been the same every year - does it involve drinking and chaos?
After my divorce I first had to accept that no matter what we did from that day forward things were going to be "different." We have been able to participate in holidays together, I think because I have always been so completely clear in my mind that I am over the relationship, and because I have never trash-talked him to my family - I mean they know what his problems are but I've been able to keep the venom out of my explanations (...well except w/ my sister maybe ;-))
It's a tough call - and my kids were much younger at the stage you are at....all I can say is no matter what you decide keep an open mind, accept that it will all feel different and weird no matter what you decide - because things are changing for the better for you and for your family dynamic.
If it is going to be a miserable occasion then don't do it- protect yourself and take strength from your decision. If there is a good possibility that it will be civil and the beginning of a new style of family get-togethers then try it....
Oy- holidays are so stressful!!!!!!!!
Peace & good luck kaye-- I bet you hear some Holiday shares at your AlAnon meeting tonight!!
B.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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The answer has to be "No." You are very angry with him right now. You need to take care of yourself. Why would you make yourself feel bad by seeing him on Thanksgiving? His feelings of loneliness and pain are caused by his behavior. He is an adult and can find a solution to his own problem. You are not responsible for taking care of him and fixing his bad feeling, especially since it's going to make you feel bad.
Don't sacrifice your own happiness to prevent your AH from feeling bad. His pain is part of his disease. If he wants to stop feeling that pain, he needs to find new behaviors. The pain is the only thing that might ever make him change his behavior. Alcoholism will kill him eventually and it has wrecked your life and it has harmed your boys. Don't take away the one thing (pain) that might force your AH to confront his problem.
If the kids want to see him later in the day or earlier in the day, great. But it's not good for them to see you two together right now. You're divorcing. They need to realize that means you are not together. If you spend time together, it confuses the issue.
Don't sacrifice your own happiness to prevent your AH from feeling bad. His pain is part of his disease. If he wants to stop feeling that pain, he needs to find new behaviors. The pain is the only thing that might ever make him change his behavior. Alcoholism will kill him eventually and it has wrecked your life and it has harmed your boys. Don't take away the one thing (pain) that might force your AH to confront his problem.
If the kids want to see him later in the day or earlier in the day, great. But it's not good for them to see you two together right now. You're divorcing. They need to realize that means you are not together. If you spend time together, it confuses the issue.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
I would do what you feel is right for you. Period. I am learning more and more to do the next right thing for ME. If others have a problem with it, it is their problem- not mine. My old self would suck it up and invite him to come, but then I'd spend the day trying very hard not to be miserable, pretending I'm ok. You wrote you are angry with him. Why put yourself in the position of "saving" him from being alone on Thanksgiving just to sacrifice your own feelings? It may sound heartless, but let's face it- his actions over the many years you were married put him right where he is. I think it's great you are working so hard on your recovery. Part of recovery for me has been about being true to myself. It's also about setting boundaries- not easy to do- especially during the holidays. ((()))
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
This reminds me so much of last year's Thanksgiving. I left AH the first part of November. We usually hosted the Thanksgiving dinner, but due to circumstances my sister had to do it at the last minute. She "felt so sorry" for my X that he would be alone on Thanksgiving -- "I think I should invite him" she told me. I felt sorry for him, too; but this was MY family. I was an emotional wreck at the time. I told her that she could invite whoever she wanted to; and I would not be a "drama queen" about it. But, that if my AH was going to be there, that I would have to pass. She didn't invite him, but felt terribly guilty about it (Ya think codependency runs in my family??).
Then, none of us were sure if he "assumed" that he was invited and was just going to show up anyway? Thankfully he did not.
Now, a year later I am gearing up to have my family at my house again! I'm out of the one-bedroom apt. and in my nice big rental house with my formal dining room. I am really looking forward to it.
Then, none of us were sure if he "assumed" that he was invited and was just going to show up anyway? Thankfully he did not.
Now, a year later I am gearing up to have my family at my house again! I'm out of the one-bedroom apt. and in my nice big rental house with my formal dining room. I am really looking forward to it.
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
I can just speak from my experiences. While w/my AH, every Thanksgiving, I'd do all the preparing, cooking, baking, had the kids and grandkids over, looked just like the typical happy family sitting at the table, being all festive and all. Behind the scenes, everyone had knots in their stomach wondering whether AH was going to get so drunk to where he'd start arguments, or whether he'd be detoxing and cranky. Last year was the perfect Thanksgiving for me. I did all the preparing and cooking, all my kids were invited over, and AH proceeded to get drunk. Just as we were about to sit down to dinner, AH decides he's going to our upstate house for the long weekend (he had his job at the time) and wasn't going to eat w/us. Knock your socks off buddy! He left, we all ate, had desert, watched movies and everyone slept over and had such a beautiful Thanksgiving. This year, I doubt he will make us that happy again (he knows we so enjoyed it), so I've decided I'm going to a diner with a book, my boys are going to their Aunt's house and my daughter, her boyfriend and her kids are having dinner at their house. He can sit home and enjoy himself w/his good friend "Buddy" or go sit at the bar with his other friends who have no family anymore. Either way, we're all gonna have a nice holiday. I wish you the best and have a Happy Thanksgiving.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: My side of the street
Posts: 15
Wow, THANK YOU to everyone who responded. I am blown away by the wisdom you all have. I hope to have even a little bit of that myself someday.
I listened to everything you said and realized you were right. I don't want him to upset our Thanksgiving. So, I told him no. And I don't feel guilty about it at all. In fact, for all the worrying I did about it, it was really quite easy to tell him my decision.
His response: "Well, I'll have to think about this and get back to you tomorrow". Huh??? He REALLY doesn't get it (insert major eye roll here).
Kaye
I listened to everything you said and realized you were right. I don't want him to upset our Thanksgiving. So, I told him no. And I don't feel guilty about it at all. In fact, for all the worrying I did about it, it was really quite easy to tell him my decision.
His response: "Well, I'll have to think about this and get back to you tomorrow". Huh??? He REALLY doesn't get it (insert major eye roll here).
Kaye
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