Need your point of view
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6
Need your point of view
I have finally made the decision to leave my AH. I am soooooooooooo sick of the lies, promises to get sober (while drinking) & him shutting me out when he's NOT drinking. The kids are supporting leaving. The conditions I will be moving into will be healthier BUT I have a male room mate. Also the whole FEAR thing. I have no reason to fear the male room mate - lol. Just live in a small town and know how people love to fantasize awful things about people. I feel like how we are living now is a pure HELL. I need advice - I am planning on divorcing him. He recently was courted ordered treatment and 2 AA meeting a week. He has went to the out patient meetings & only one AA meeting. He's been in the program for a month. It;s obvious his intentions are to continue drinking. He drinks every weekend instead of everyday. PLEASE I need advice & support. Giving up is so hard to do. Makes me feel like a loser but I am going looney 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
He gave up not you. And who the freak cares what anybody says about your living situation. Its sounds better then where you are at now.
If anyone could walk a mile in our shoes with these addicts they would never ask you anything about why you are doing what you are doing.
Good luck. Its hard but this too shall pass.
If anyone could walk a mile in our shoes with these addicts they would never ask you anything about why you are doing what you are doing.
Good luck. Its hard but this too shall pass.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
At one point prior to me leaving my AH of 24 years I came to the realization that I had given up on myself. I didn't believe there was anything better than what I had, I had come to believe that this is all I could have - living with A that was either a dry drunk or actively drinking.
This is so far from where I am now. I left him over 4 months ago and have worked on my recovery with the same passion that I put into him - which was mind boggling at times. I've turned that energy over to me and you know what, it's working!
As far as what other people will think about your living arrangements who cares! Do you care that other people know that you are living with AH and all the trauma that an active A brings?
Look after yourself, I hope you find peace. K.
This is so far from where I am now. I left him over 4 months ago and have worked on my recovery with the same passion that I put into him - which was mind boggling at times. I've turned that energy over to me and you know what, it's working!
As far as what other people will think about your living arrangements who cares! Do you care that other people know that you are living with AH and all the trauma that an active A brings?
Look after yourself, I hope you find peace. K.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Come on in....the waters great
I made the leap a few months ago as well, absolutely dove into recovery as well....now it all seems like a bad dream.....
Bonnie Raitt says something about this, something along the lines of "lets give em something to talk about" that something she is speaking of is Love.
The love you may be "showing" may be different then the "love" the neighbors are gossiping about, because it's love for yourself, so give em something to talk about and bless their lil empty lives that they have to talk about yours, let em talk.
I made the leap a few months ago as well, absolutely dove into recovery as well....now it all seems like a bad dream.....
Bonnie Raitt says something about this, something along the lines of "lets give em something to talk about" that something she is speaking of is Love.
The love you may be "showing" may be different then the "love" the neighbors are gossiping about, because it's love for yourself, so give em something to talk about and bless their lil empty lives that they have to talk about yours, let em talk.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Try not to think of it as giving up but as giving in to caring for yourself over living in an intolerable situation. You cannot change him. You cannot cure him. You cannot control him. But you can take control of your life, change your life and cure your problems. And end up in a much better place. It's not easy but it is well worth the time, trouble, pain and effort.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
It sounds to me like you're doing pretty well and making lots of progress, so I'm not really sure what kind of "advice" you need....I guess maybe you might try looking at the progress you have made and feeling good about that; that's usually pretty helpful for me, like if I compare where I am right now in relation to whatever problem to where I was a year ago, five years ago, etc....
The fear thing is big....but I've found it really is true that "courage is fear that has said its prayers." When I got divorced, I was really scared -- emotionally of being alone and financially for my kids. Actually, when I look back on that situation, I realize that fear was one of the things that kept me in it way too long....when I had to separate form my partner a few years ago due to her dry drunk relapse I had been in program almost a year and it was amazing how much less fear I had -- and how well I had learned to get over it when I did have it.....having a right relationship with HP (whatever that means to you) and turning to that and trusting that just really makes a huge difference...(I really loved/love The Fear Prayer -- adapted from an exercise in The BB: "God, release me from this fear and direct my attention toward what I can do today to better become the person that You would have me be." -- short, simple, easy-to-memorize, and always focuses me back on the "next right thing" and away from futurizing and catastrophizing!)
As far as what people think (this actually came up at my homegroup meeting today!), I'm probably not the best person to talk about it, because, in general, I don't care what people think...but the reason I don't care is because, in general, I act on my values and I feel good and confident doing what I need to do and trusting my sense of things.....and it sounds like you are beginning to do that, too, so hopefully you won't let it bother you too much!
Just keep your face turned toward the light and just keep walking in that direction -- Good luck in your new life!
freya
The fear thing is big....but I've found it really is true that "courage is fear that has said its prayers." When I got divorced, I was really scared -- emotionally of being alone and financially for my kids. Actually, when I look back on that situation, I realize that fear was one of the things that kept me in it way too long....when I had to separate form my partner a few years ago due to her dry drunk relapse I had been in program almost a year and it was amazing how much less fear I had -- and how well I had learned to get over it when I did have it.....having a right relationship with HP (whatever that means to you) and turning to that and trusting that just really makes a huge difference...(I really loved/love The Fear Prayer -- adapted from an exercise in The BB: "God, release me from this fear and direct my attention toward what I can do today to better become the person that You would have me be." -- short, simple, easy-to-memorize, and always focuses me back on the "next right thing" and away from futurizing and catastrophizing!)
As far as what people think (this actually came up at my homegroup meeting today!), I'm probably not the best person to talk about it, because, in general, I don't care what people think...but the reason I don't care is because, in general, I act on my values and I feel good and confident doing what I need to do and trusting my sense of things.....and it sounds like you are beginning to do that, too, so hopefully you won't let it bother you too much!
Just keep your face turned toward the light and just keep walking in that direction -- Good luck in your new life!
freya
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