cessy68

I'm sorry to be negative, I feel selfish writing when I see so many have the same issues, I hope someone out there will listen to me vent a little and perhaps give me some guidence.
If any of you know I'm new here, and I'm trying to get up the strenght to ask my bf of 3 yrs to move out of my home.
I still love him- but I know he has to go. I have done this before, and I always take him back... this time HAS to be different, so I'm trying to build strenght and make sure this will be the final move out.
I called my doctor 4 him- per his request - to find out if there is something he could take to get off the pills- he said he would help- however my bf had to call and make the appointment.
He said on Friday he would call- its now monday and no calls. what a shock. yesterday was HELL for me, however, I felt numb to him. Yesterday he had no pills/money and was nurseing a (what he thought was a hidden withdrawl.) Well today- happy guy is back. Yep- must of gotten his hands on some more pills. He also drank thur, frid,sat,and stopped 4 1 after work tonight. MYGOD!
WE were just downstairs watching intervention- (funny you guys were just posting about that) by the way - his choice to watch. He watched it- and at the end joked by saying "by the way if you ever have tv cameras in our livingroom i'm out of here"
I responded by saying- why don't you just start by calling the doctor like you said.... he said "i will...." bla bla bla I feel like I'm talking to charlie browns teacher.
Well.. long story short , I've been home now for a few hrs, his high is apparently wearing off, and when I asked him to watch a music video, he walked away saying "i just don't feel like it"
SELFISH SELFISH I feel like I cant STAND him.
I was going to take this opportunity to point out how much I can't stand what this addiction has done to him- but instead i came up here.... He is baffled and thinks im being a bitch, dosen't see what I'm upset about.
I CANT EXPLAIN THIS TO HIM ANY LONGER.... ITS USELESS....

Tryingtobefree

I know what you mean by the selfishness. Although my bf doc is alcohol it doesn't really seem to matter what their doc is - a lot of the behaviors are the same.

You are in your own place and you have the right to make decisions regarding what you want in your home. I moved here to his home in another state but in all honesty, if I were still in my apartment back in my home state I would have asked him to leave a long time ago.

Mine makes attemps at being sober but like yours hasn't called the doctor yet. It makes me really question his commitment to sobriety since he is not interested in any outside help.

cassandra2

Cessy I am sorry that your feeling bad tonight. I dont know if you know what my story is but I will give you the long/short of it.

Ex had back injury. Started on percs over a course of a few months moved to percs and oxy. Every month the mg went up and up. He became a different person. Was VERY selfish. Even depressed at times. Had his back surgery in June. Promised he would be off the pills by the time he was done healing. Finally in August he was better. I know it because I could tell he was doing alot of things he couldnt do before. But the abuse was at this time out of control

He was snorting the pills and my gut says doing alot more then that. Oh he would run out of pills and I would get the sob story about how he needed them or he was gonna die blah blah blah. Then finally I started to reallly pressure him about calling for help. Weeks went by nothing. I found the numbers gave them to him after researching what was the best place to go. Nothing. Asked him sometimes daily Did you call yet did you call yet. Then he would get nasty and say things like asking me everyday isnt making me do it any faster. Then I would get the stories about how he had to have his surgeon taper him and blah blah blah.

The last straw was the missing money. That was it. If I cant trust you with the money for the roof over our kids' head then you need to go. And of course I was wrong. I was my fault told everyone he left cause we didnt get along. Then after a week I really starting missing him and I called him and asked him to come back. He said no I am tired of trying. HELLO I FELT LIKE I WAS DOING ALL OF THE TRYING WTF DID YOU DO?????

So then I decided fine you go on with your merry life cause soon you will crash and burn. Then he started to say he loved me and the kids and how sorry he was but NEVER asked to come back.

Now he is in rehab. And you know the story with that. Not getting it.

I tell you this because its never gonna end. NEVER. I asked him to leave and I am still living in his nightmare because of our child together. I just wrote him a long letter about my other two kids that have come to love this man and call him dad. I told him basically sh*t or get off the pot.

I really thought he would come around and get better. It was about me wanting him back but now its more for the kids. I will always have him in my life because of our daughter and I really want him to be the dad I know he can be the dad he used to be. But in the realty of it now its not happening.

Save yourself and your kids. You cant save him from himself. Even if he wanted recovery he has to want it BAD in order to get better and who knows how long that is gonna take. Do you really want to keep living the life you are now for the next _____(insert questionable amount of time here)?????

Until my ex really embraces the FIRST freaking step of NA (which currently he is not) he is gonna stay on the same path and if that is true then he might as well continue to use.
Leave him when your ready but do it for you and your kids. Tell yourself it can and will get worse everyday you stay.

Good luck. Prayers for you sweets......

Eleison

I don't have any advice or answers, but I wanted to say that I've read your post and can empathise with your aching frustration.

kingston

Hi Cessy, I'm sorry you are going thru all this pain. I was married to my AH for 24 years. 24 years of drinking, stopping, dry drunk, rehab, half assed recovery, empty promises, I'd leave, take him back, leave again, take him back, etc etc etc.

I did everything, I gave everything - emotionally, physically and financially until there was nothing left in me to give and I was left with an husk filled with resentment and bitterness called me.

I finally had the courage to leave again in August. This time it's very different, I'm working on me and actively working on my recovery. I've learned that I have to heal emotionally, physically and spiritually in order for me to be a healthy balanced person.

I'm in a much better place now, I'm happy, content, grounded and so much stronger - most of the time. I still have days of what if but it doesn't last long anymore.

For me it helps to remember the three 3's and to read When will the pain stop (sticky).

jerect

Cessy68 I'm sorry you are going through this..your BF is not going to stop using until he is ready to stop and from what you described in your post he is not ready..

Work on setting some bondaries and if you haven't already try to get to some meetings.. those will help you so much in giving you the tools to help you help yourself..

For what it's worth about the pills the doc can prescribe: my husband has been on them a month. Can I tell a difference? No not really, he abusing those too.. he is taking more then what is prescribed and he drinks a beer as soon as the pill has disolved... I guess the point I'm trying to make is even those pills are not magic pills, if the addict is not willing to get clean and change their life then they are useless.. I have a feeling that as soon as he is weened off them that he will right back to eating pills again..

I have detatched from the sitch and I have put my AH into Gods hands.. I can't think of a better place for him to be.. I'm trying to do everything that I'm supposed to be doing like going to meetings, working the steps and taking care of me.. It's helped me deal with things a lot better. I'm finding it so much easier to work a program then to live in the chaos and pain that I was living in a few months ago.

winnie12

Cessy - there is nothing selfish in you asking for help. You deserve the help just as much as anyone else here does.

Explaining anything to an addict just seems like a waste of energy to me - i prefer to use that energy to something that is beneficial to me and my life now. If he asks me my opinion or how i feel (haha like that's ever going to happen) then i'll say it but i dont offer it anymore.

Limiya

Cessy,
I see your frustration, but there is just no talking to an addict. No reasoning with them. They can't seem to understand that heir behaviour is wrong.
I stopped nagging, sopped telling him. I realised there was no use, it would hurt me more than it would hurt him.

Good luck with this hon. It's not easy, but you have to think about your own needs now.

~Limiya~

cessy68

anvilhead, I am looking at what his addiction is doing to me. That is why I am in therapy (every week) and why my therapist told me to check out naranon on line since I wasn't ready for meetings yet, and WHY I AM HERE.
However, If I must watch how I phrase everything- so that someone dosen't criticize my words, perhaps I shouldn't be.
I wouldn't criticize anyone on this web site- unless I was tactfully pointing out something and THEN I WOULD BACK IT WITH SOMETHING LOVING.
thanks.
Cessy

cassandra2

Amen to that......

I kinda almost feel like saying to myself "heres your sign". I was always trying to fix and change him. I know I have read this, said this, but I NEVER BELIEVED it until now. I cant change someone else. Even now when he is going through the motions of rehab really and I mean really there is nothing I can do for him.

Its like the glasses are off and I am turning into a good grasshopper. I really cant even begin to explain it but some of us need to get that concept.

You just dont understand how much better I feel about all of this. Sweetie I think that might be the answer. The true answer is acceptance.

Its almost like admitting that we too are powerless over our addicts just as they are powerless over their addictions. Man its so simple but so very hard to really grasp. And this just hit me between my eyes. Writing on the wall. Blah Blah......

We will get through this together....

hello-kitty

I have to practice acceptance every single day. It's not something I do once and then I move on to the next step. It's something I have to do over and over and over... sometimes it's really hard, but i have people on this board who can help me and remind me when I forget and fall into old patterns of behavior.

cessy68

I apologize if I took what you said the wrong way - I know I read your response - and reread- to make sure I wasn't over reacting.... just hit me as a snide remark.
I get enough of those from my friends who don't understand how it feels to be in this situation.
In addition, I AM actively doing something to look at - and respond to how his drug abuse has ruined my relationship with him.
and you are right, i HAVE already done all i can - and nothing works.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOO- the last thing for me to do is to ask him to leave my home. the home i opened up to him - lovingly ,, with my whole family loving him... it hurts.
I am here (i don't know if you read any of my other posts)
because I want to MAKE AS DAMN SURE AS POSSIBLE THAT WHEN I ASK HIM TO LEAVE THIS TIME- THAT I WILL HAVE THE STRENGHT AND RESOURSCES AVAILABLE TO BE- SO THAT I DONT LET HIM BACK IN AGAIN)
Again, again,again, he is very manuipulative, and I ALWAYS GOT SUCKED BACK IN BELIEVEING HE CHANGED. so, right now, i'm trying to co-exist, not let him in that slowly i'm gaining my speed, to let him go.
I hope you understand now, where I am. And i am also in a great amount of pain.
I'm sorry if i was snappy, and mistook your words.
Thankyou
Cessy

Limiya

Cessy,
maybe after you ask him to leave you should change your phone numbers etc. If he is determined to reel you back in he will try and try until you cave.
Trust me, i've caved enough times too.

~Limiya~

hello-kitty

What I did so I wouldn't cave when someone violated my boundaries:

First, I wrote down my boundaries and what I would do when someone violated those boundaries. Then I put the paper up on the fridge so everyone would be clear on what my boundaries were and what steps I would take if they were violated.

When he violated one (it was the one about disappearing and not calling), I checked the consequence (which was don't bother coming back or making excuses as to why you didn't call) and enforced it. I changed the locks. I didn't take phone calls immediately. I didn't return messages for 24 hours. I enforced no contact so I didn't have to listen to excuses. I moved on with my life - for the sake of my sanity and the sake of my child.

cassandra2

Maybe he wont bother. I mean some expect that the addicts will come back and show up begging to come home. Mine didnt.

I dont know why but he just never did. I think in the beginning he thought we were still together because nothing really changed execpt he slept somewhere else. Then when I became more firm and told him to get his stuff out so that I could finally be done with it he did.

Now I am the bad person. Its my fault. He blames me the anger he has says that. So maybe he wont beg to come home. I dunno. Just trying to help you see that maybe it will go a different way. Different plan.

I think that my ex was steadfast in not asking to return because his whole mantra about him having to leave has been that we didnt get along.

So maybe if you put it to him like that he wont ask to come back. Just tell him that your feelings for him have changed and you want him to go. Its not really lying. Your feelings have changed.

Just an idea.

splendra

Yea how we feel falls on deaf ears and numb brains.

I have found that trying to get any of my addicts consider any kind of recovery program to be totally fruitless and very frustrating for me.

The only things that make me feel better is just keeping the focus on myself and just stop considering them in any of my plans.

I hope if you are sure you want him to leave that you can find the strength to stick with it. I am sure there is a much better life for you on the other side.

(((((BIGHUGS4YOU))))))

outtolunch

Oh where's that thank you button when you need it?

This is one of the most powerful statements I have read, on this board.