strongerwoman

Once again this weekend, my STBXAH astounded me with his actions, which directly affected our 11yo daughter.
It all really served to remind me of how low he is falling and why I really do need to be divorcing him.

However, I am sooooo lonely. Thankfully I've been working fulltime (and more) for a month now, that has been a huge blessing in keeping my mind from obsessing and dwelling, a huge distraction.

But I am lonely. And sooooo shy and insecure, though given the right circumstances, I can pretend pretty well not to be.

Part of what upset my daughter this weekend while she was at her fathers was that he came in at 3am and was going on and on (in only the way a drunk guy can) about this beautiful woman he met, how she could be a supermodel and they spent the whole night together at the bar.....(telling this to his 20yo son), my daughter had been asleep but was woken up by it.

Combine this with my feelings of lonely and rejection and easily replaced, and well....I'm embarrassed to admit that I just want to go get my hair cut, my eyebrows waxed, shave my legs, buy a killer outfit (my body is still pretty darn good), some kick butt heels and just go be wreckless at some bar this weekend.
I KNOW this would be a HUGE, TERRIBLE mistake. I KNOW and I am far more responsible in real life. But sheesh......after being made to feel like dog crap and feeling like it for so long, after being rejected and kicked to the curb and easily replaced by some "supermodel-like" chick (and you may remember that I have huge self esteem issues due to my facial birth defect- which just twists the knife a little bit more) after a 14 year long marriage.......I'd like to go out and be irresponsible and have more fun than a 37yo mother of 4 should have!!!!!
All dressed up in a dark bar, I can pass for looking pretty good still.

Then again, I am far to chicken-sh*t to actually go to a bar by myself.
I guess I just want to feel desired again, feel like I'm someone who someone would be interesed in.
I know all of that leads to no where good. I still have strong feelings to do so. I dont have to work this weekend (for once) and really want to.

I know, I know....I'm a pathetic basket case!

p.s. I forgot! There is a person I know of who is interested in me.....a male patient on one of the units at the psych hospital I work at.....he has schizophrenia! These are the types of men that I attract! LOL
OH! And a couple of months ago there was a man in his 70s or so in a thrift shop that was hitting on me and trying to get me to come back to his house to watch a movie with him......my future is doomed I tell ya!

Rainbowsend

You'll get there, it's early days being a single working mum but in reality you've been a single mum for a while now, just a case of realising it and what you are capable of

Ago

great post

You forgot facial, manicure and pedicure

Those are necessities not "luxuries" I'm deadly serious

I had a BFF in early sobriety that used to absolutely yell at women who viewed these things as "luxury items" she was like "Girl, these are NECESSITIES I don't care if I have to go home and sit in the dark because I couldn't pay my electric bill cause I had to get a new dress and a mani/pedi after a break up, I look GOOD in the dark, I'll buy some candles!!!!"

Take care of yourself, start today, start now, when I got sober every paycheck I would go buy an outfit for myself, and I was BROKE, I deserve it.

I absolutely INSIST on nurturing myself, it's part of my recovery.

and I'm a guy.

Afterwards there are usually some very nice restaurants in the "mall" take a book and treat yourself, then I would take myself to a movie.

Stand tall girl, you deserve it, and don't be knockin the men that find you attractive, of course if you go looking in a psych ward you are gonna get hit on by "crazies" (that includes bars) I found looking for other outside interests, even going to like "Borders" Bookstores and reading, (they have espresso bars) like even look in the paper for fun activities, When I find fun interesting things to do strangely enough there are fun interesting people doing them, and when I am doing something fun and interesting people find me fun and interesting especially if I am wearing one of my new outfits.

You go girl....seriously....you go, anyone stands in your way, knock em down!

You are woman, time to hear you roar

:ghug3

strongerwoman

Your are right. It is early yet. But I cant honestly remember the last time a male (besides the psych ward patient or the very elderly man...they dont count!) showed even a teensy eensy bit of interest in me in any way. And I've been seperated for a year and my rings have not been worn (cause I had to pawn them for money, then lost them to the pawn shop.....but thats another story...)

Anyhow, these feelings make take me to that dangerous space of thinking that my STBXAH is in fact the only man who thought I was interesting or pretty or any of those things, which makes me tend to forget the bad stuff and out of desperation dwell on the good stuff we had when we were together....
Ack! I'm rambling now.....

strongerwoman

LOL! I've never had a facial, manicure or pedicure in my life! Maybe next year when I'm a little more stable in the money dept....
Your post made me smile, thanks.

TakingCharge999

Hello strongerwoman

I admire your strength and courage. It really takes strength to be able to face loneliness. Many people resort to sex, someone else (because feeling the void is unbearable to those weak people!!) TV, all kinds of distractions just not to feel. So I admire you for being so mature about this. You are respecting and protecting yourself by not being reckless with your heart and body!

I am more or less living a similar thing, so I just wanted to tell you that I am also told I should be already going at it with someone else, and doing all these fun things and meeting new people.. well I will have the enthusiasm for all that but after I am done with my grief... or at least with most of it.

They have told me I am depressed and stuck and he is already living his life happily ever after without giving a damn, after a month of breaking up. Well this is not a race you know. And yes I just got my first manicure and pedicure and it really boosts your mood :>

Everybody deals with sadness their own way, some run away from the feelings, some face them with their head tall, without alcohol, drugs, other people, etc. just taking life as it is and take this time to reflect and become better people without repeating the same mistakes. So there is nothing wrong with you.

I just hope you treat yourself better. I am slowly trying to do so. And to think: "What do I want right now?" Today I'd like to cry. So? Who cares if the ex-s are happy or not... that is NOT a measure of our value. No one's opinion is a measure of our value as women.

We define our own value with our thoughts and actions. It just sucks when society labels men like heroes just because they drink and pickup women... wowww!! takes a lot of guts to do that huh!! WOW!!

I also "get" men's attention / plumbers, men that are around 60 (I'm 26) LOL and yes I miss being with somebody too. But above that I miss myself and my happiness, good times when I didn't have a partner and I enjoyed myself a lot. I was free!

We've got ourselves and we need to be our own best friend. People and things come and go. We do not even posses our body or our life. It can all be taken away in a flash.

So let's just try to enjoy the present moment and whatever makes you feel better about yourself... these days have been tough but I see the sunset and I hold on to that. Even if I just drag myself to see another sunset the next day. Little by little hope will come back to us :>

Sorry for rambling on

Let's start hibernation, the kick ass hibernation type where you work out, become flirty, take more time to put on makeup, etc... but don't do it for anybody... do it for you.. you are beautiful and if someone does not see that you are better off without them... really!!!!!

Hugs!!

Ago

OK, I never do this....

This is why God invented credit cards....

Your post made me want to "kick" your husband in his behind for the damage he did to you and your little girl, even your son.

That post wasn't to "make you smile", although I am glad it did. There were some very specific things in it I learned from "the girls" that adopted me.

Fear

Fear steals

If I am afraid to go out, fear stole a fun evening from me
If I am afraid to talk to a pretty girl, fear stole her from me.
If I am afraid to try something new, fear stole that experience from me.

Please...please....take a deep breath and go treat yourself to something nice for you, try something new, put yourself out there, and I'm not recommending "trawling" at the local watering hole.

I wouldn't know how I was going to pay my bills and I learned to nurture myself, I wasn't speaking metaphorically, I'm talking about retail therapy, restaurants, going to meetings, meeting new people, they say around here "If nothing changes, nothing changes"

I am so sorry to "say this all twice" but everything I wrote I learned from the women in the two programs, it's some of the stuff they do.

OK, try again

I am woman, hear me roar

You go girl, seriously, do something nice for yourself, spread your wings and fly, fly a little further every day and one day you will be free.

FormerDoormat

Oh Lord, when I read the words, "I'm feeling reckless," it brought back flashbacks in my mind of the old StrongerWoman. You know, the one who started fires outside her hubby's apartment and spun her car out in the middle of the road.

You've come a long way since then and you should be proud of your progress. I know it's hard work and lonely to start over and be on your own again. But slowly things will get better.

My body has gone to pot but I still have a supermodel's face. Perhaps we could put our best selves forward and go as one incredible looking gal! But how would we split up the men? I know what half I'd like....

Ago

Personally I think Strongerwoman has an incredibly beautiful and compelling face, and I'm happy to say so.

ICant

I'm glad you can see that isn't the answer. I know I wouldn't be in my current mess (married to AH) if instead of "Does he like me?", I had asked myself "Do I like him?"

Freedom1990

I guess I am the oddball here because the first thing that crossed my mind wasn't what he was saying in front of your 11 year old daughter, but why is your 11 year old daughter spending the night with a parent who is coming home drunk at 3 in the morning?

Color me blunt but I wouldn't be reacting with fantasies about dressing in a killer outfit going to a bar but I'd be livid and working on not having my 11 year old in an environment with a drunken parent.

FormerDoormat

I read the post as the 20-year-old son was watching SW's daughter while her husband was out drinking.

kingston

I've felt the loneliness you describe but like Ago said I do positive things for me. I've made a point of doing interesting things, sometimes with friends sometimes alone.

I've never felt the same kind of loneliness that I experienced when I was "with" my AH though. That was true loneliness and I never want to be there again.

Be strong! Just like your name, K.

Freedom1990

So I guess that makes the visitation okay then and excuses the father's drunken behavior at that ungodly hour?

I give up.

denny57

I'm stealing that.

I agree.

FormerDoormat

Color me blunt, but where did I say it was OK to leave a child in that situation? Chill, Freedom.

Freedom1990

I'll chill when I see someone speaking up for the 11 year old in the situation because it's apparent no one is as of yet, no?

What I see is an adult woman, also the mother of this 11 year old child, upset about who the drunken father of the 11 year old daughter is ranting about vs. the fact her 11 year old daughter is not having visitation with a non-intoxicated father.

What's wrong with this picture?

denny57

Plenty.

FormerDoormat

Why don't you ask the original poster, Freedom? You're barking up the wrong tree.

Freedom1990

I'm replying to her thread. What else am I supposed to do?

She obviously posted for feedback and I'm giving it?