lost girl...

Old 11-24-2008, 03:24 PM
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lost girl...

My husband has a drinking problem. It's like this horrible cycle. He stays out until 11 or 12 and gets drunk; he stays home the next night, but doesn't move from the couch. This makes me angry, and I am not nice to him when he is home, so the next night he goes and gets drunk. And it repeats over and over and over. We used to party together. We used to talk. We used to have so much in common. Now we have a 3 year old, and I don't feel like I can have one drink at all without being a hypocrite. I don't have a problem with drinking. But I don't even want to drink because of what it is doing to my husband, my marriage, my self-confidence, my daughter, our future. I have told him that I feel neglected. He went and got drunk. I told him that we needed to talk; he went camping and got drunk, went to a football game and got drunk, etc. Am i making him drink? Am I making him choose alcohol over me and our daughter? I feel like this is my fault. All of it. I have tried to lay down some rules, but all that does it make him retaliatory. And then I get hurt more. He took my cell phone, password protected the computer at home, he leaves with our only car seat. I used to be so strong and confident. My friends don't even call anymore because I can never keep our plans as I don't know if he is coming home or not, or how drunk he will be when he gets there. I feel so cheated, and well, just plain lost. How did I get here? It's like I woke up one morning, and I am "that" girl. How did this happen? I'm that girl that people feel sorry for, and I don't know how that happened. I am not financially able to leave, and being a child of divorce, I do not want that for my daughter. I just don't know how to get through to him. I don't know what I am supposed to do, and I certainly do not know how to fix this.
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Old 11-24-2008, 03:27 PM
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Good for you for posting here as well!
Now just wait, the amazing men and women that love alcoholics will be here to help any minute!
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Old 11-24-2008, 03:33 PM
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Thank you, it took me a while to find the right area.
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Old 11-24-2008, 04:26 PM
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WELCOME!! Take a deep breath, there is so much to learn......most of it about yourself I have found. There are the "stickies" at the top of the list of threads that have a ton of information. Although I don't have personal experience with Alanon, so many people have been helped there. I personally have found counseling helpful.

The hardest thing for me to accept, and I still struggle with on occasion, is that I can't change anyone but myself. I posted a lot when I first found SR and got lots of love, support, and advice. Everyone will be coming at it from their own experiences, and you will probably run across a few members that you can really relate to, or have much in common with.

I've experienced the same "cycle" of drinking with my AH, until the past year or so when it increased to daily and he just kept getting angrier. If your AH is that controlling that he would limit phone use and car, I would suggest having a plan to get out in case things escalate to violence. Probably something you don't want to consider, and hopefully you will never have to use it. I had a friend that used to keep a change of clothes, toothbrushes, etc. in a bag in her trunk "just in case". Maybe you could stash an extra booster seat somewhere.

Anyway, not to get long-winded.......I bet you will get many great responses. Keep posting. We care here!
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Old 11-24-2008, 05:20 PM
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I'm glad that you found us!

When I first began to feel the full force of fear and disappointment that accompanied my husband's alcoholism I felt like I had to do something.
Anything.
Everything.

But I had no idea what to do.

You're already WAY ahead of where I was - You're here!!!
That's a great step.
Al-Anon has also been very helpful for me.

In the beginning, education was key. I read all the stickies at the top of this page, and I read a lot on the Alcoholism forum, as well. I got a few ideas about what I could expect - if he continued to drink, and if he chose recovery. Knowing what other people had experienced made the future seem less terrifying.

In time, the right choices became clear to me. They will become clear to you, as well. Be patient with yourself in the meantime.

Keep coming back, jennygirl.
Keep us posted.

-TC
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Old 11-24-2008, 06:24 PM
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I wanted what was best for my children and living with an addict alcoholic was NOT the best thing. In fact, it was more abuse. Mental abuse. My life got better once I had him removed. It was hard but it can be done. Financial is not a reason because there are too many options for single mothers. If you want it bad enough you can get it.
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Old 11-24-2008, 06:28 PM
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jennygirl,

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this spot, but I'm glad you found us.

I'd encourage you to learn as much about alcoholism as you can - this forum has a ton of resources, as well as hundreds of wise people who've been through a lot and come through it just fine. One of the first things you'll learn is this: you didn't cause your husband's problem, you can't control it, you can't cure it. What you CAN do are take steps to stay sane, protect yourself from the madness, and try to rebuild your own life.

It sounds as though you rely on him for everything - child care so you can have friendships, financial support, sole source of companionship, etc. That's a lot riding on one person -- one person whose behavior you can't control. Is there any way you can slowly start to work on your self-sufficiency? If you weren't so dependent on him, I doubt this would be as devastating as it is for you, and you might be able to think more clearly about your options.

That's been my experience, anyway, having survived several relationships that involved addiction. With a clear head, a support network, and a working knowledge of all the faces of alcoholism, you won't feel lost any more. You can learn to set boundaries without getting angry (I have heard that ToughChoices gives classes in that ) and keep your sanity no matter what he decides to do.

Anyway, you're not lost, you're with us

Just one thing: I wish I were a child of divorce. Instead, I'm a child of alcoholics. Keep in mind that even at three your daughter is learning how to be in a relationship, which right now means that moms & dads always fight, dads always get drunk and come home late, and moms always get mad and sad and it's normal to stay in that kind of situation. This is the pattern that will imprint on her, whether you want it to or not.

There are moms here who still co-parent their kids with a separated spouse, and they've found a lot of peace in that situation (I'm sure you'll hear from some of them tomorrow) So keep in mind that even the worst-case-scenario isn't the end of the world.

Stick around, read peoples' posts, check out the Stickie posts at the top of the forum. And keep posting-- we're listening.

Hugs,
GL
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Old 11-24-2008, 06:50 PM
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Originally Posted by jennygirl73 View Post
I am not financially able to leave, and being a child of divorce, I do not want that for my daughter.
I just wanted to add that the financial barriers, while scary, are conquerable in small, measurable steps.

So you're not ready to go.
Ok.
You don't have to go.

But I felt a lot less afraid when I started getting ready - opening my own checking account, arranging childcare, going back to school, looking for a job for myself, etc...
It didn't all happen at once, but slowly, I became able to decide if I wanted to stay in the relationship or not. It was no longer a matter of necessity.

That was freeing.

I started to picture myself and my child, free from the chaos of alcoholism, in a home that I was able to provide for us.
And I started taking steps (sometimes teeny-tiny ones) toward that picture.

I've never regretted it.

-TC
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Old 11-24-2008, 08:56 PM
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Welcome. I just want to add that I also struggled with the concept of getting a divorce for a long time. I come from a very strong Bible believeing background, and I didn't allow divorce to be on the table for a very long time.
For me, it finally boiled down to this...I was modeling a very unhealthy, disrepectful marriage relationship for my girls. I finally decided that:
1. I did not want them to grow to seek the same type of relationships.
2. I was so nutty trying to deal with my pain, anger and resentment, that I reached a point where I was not emotionally available for them as they needed me
3. By getting a divorce, I was not "taking away" their Dad. He will always be their Dad no matter what happens. Always

That helped me put things into real perspective.

I do understand where you are coming from. And I am a firm believer that we all come to a place where we are where we are suppose to be at the right moment in time.

Glad you came here. Hope you find some strength and hope in some of the posts. I know I did.
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Old 11-25-2008, 02:26 AM
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Hi and welcome to SR, you're in the right place! When I finally had the courage to leave after 24 years of living with my AH (I'd left previous times, he was in and out of rehab) I had to work on myself in order to become whole again.

Reading the posts and stickies on SR, therapy, and a great support system within my friends have helped immensely. It hasn't been easy, I've had some terrible gut wrenching days but I'm still here and better than ever.

Welcome and I hope you find peace. K.
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Old 11-25-2008, 08:10 AM
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Welcome and glad you're here Jennygirl--

Just one thing: I wish I were a child of divorce. Instead, I'm a child of alcoholics.
Ditto Givelove, from another child of an alcoholic -- and a currently very very happily divorced single mom with 2 thriving children!!

The things you are dealing with and sharing here are big decisions, big themes, tough stuff. But try to keep an open mind. I find that when I just surrender my false sense of control or beliefs then new paths open up. It may not be easy but it is worth it!

Can you try an AlAnon meeting? Find a neighbor/mom you can swap childcare hours with?

Baby steps still get me moving in a new direction and ultimately lead to bigger positive shifts....one day at a time--
Peace-
B.
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Old 11-25-2008, 09:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Stubborn1 View Post
I wanted what was best for my children and living with an addict alcoholic was NOT the best thing. In fact, it was more abuse. Mental abuse. My life got better once I had him removed. It was hard but it can be done. Financial is not a reason because there are too many options for single mothers. If you want it bad enough you can get it.
I understand what you are saying. I am trying very hard to get my finances in order, I am just not there yet. I probably am not there because in my heart this is not what I want. I just have to get over the heart part and get my head to be the leader. I just don't know how.
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Old 11-25-2008, 09:46 AM
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
jennygirl,


Just one thing: I wish I were a child of divorce. Instead, I'm a child of alcoholics. Keep in mind that even at three your daughter is learning how to be in a relationship, which right now means that moms & dads always fight, dads always get drunk and come home late, and moms always get mad and sad and it's normal to stay in that kind of situation. This is the pattern that will imprint on her, whether you want it to or not.

GL
Ouch. I have been covering for him. I know I am tired of lying to our daughter about why daddy isn't home, I just really don't know what else to tell her.. Isn't she too young to understand? I thought she was too young fo this to affect her. But she is starting to ask me if daddy is going to be home or not. double ouch. This breaks my heart wide open.
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Old 11-25-2008, 12:45 PM
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jennygirl - I'm glad you found this forum. It's heartbreaking and the sadness and indecision makes us sick, all while we hope and pray for the other to "get it" or change.

You can only do what is best for you and your child, and if at this time it's to be away from him then that's okay.

I'm afraid I'm not good with helpful words, but many here are thank goodness. Just know that you are not alone in this, there are many of us living in the same situation, asking the same questions, feeling the same crushing sadness and hurt. If I could make yours go away I would, but I can't.

Here's a hug for you though:
:ghug3
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Old 11-26-2008, 08:39 AM
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I am going to my first al-anon meeting today at noon. Wish me luck! I don't know what to expect, and I am really really really nervous! I'll let ya'll know how everything went this afternoon.
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Old 11-26-2008, 08:43 AM
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Good for you!
Can't wait to hear how it goes
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Old 11-26-2008, 10:35 AM
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Good luck!
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Old 11-26-2008, 01:39 PM
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I'm embarassed. I couldn't go. I sat in the parking lot for a whole hour. At first I didn't want to go in crying, and the more I sat there, the more I cried. I cried because I knew that there were people inside that could help me. I cried because I knew that those people, those strangers, would be nicer to me than the one person that I was there for. I cried because I still can't wrap my head around the fact that this is happening to me. Part of me was hoping that someone would see me and help me go inside. I do know that if I keep trying, even if I just sit in the parking lot and cry, that one day I will be ready to walk inside. That day just was not today.
I am going to see my dad on Friday, he is visiting my step-sister 2 hours away, still closer than Florida! His ex-wife was an alcoholic, and he had to hold an intervention for her. I am hoping that he can help me find the strength to walk in that door next time. My family has no clue about anything that has been going on, so I guess it's time to reach out.
I'm so embarassed.
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Old 11-26-2008, 02:41 PM
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I didn't even sit in the parking lot the first time, I drove in and drove out.

Good luck for next time!!!!!
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Old 11-26-2008, 03:26 PM
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Denny57,

That makes me feel so much better!! I'll definitely try again, just maybe I won't beat myself up about it so bad. Maybe next time I'll take my seatbelt off!
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