Spiritual Seeker

Today I received a letter from my 24 year old son that brings tears to my eyes.
He sent it from rehab. Today marks 9 months since I took him there.

In the letter my son expresses that he feels "faith, hope and kindness" in his life. He goes on to say that none of this would have been possible without
my "unconditional love" and thanked me for the help that I offered.

Out from under the influence of drugs & alcohol, that led him to the gates
of insanity and death, his spirit is renewed and his faith restored.

As for myself, I am grateful that I know how to demonstrate unconditional love.
My son feels it now, grows in it and one day will be able to pass it along himself.

Never give up on your loved-one. Where there is life, there is hope.
Change comes. We can lead by example and be patient. We can carry the
hope of recovery and grow our own spirit. As I recover so does my family.
I have much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving.

Wishing you all love this holiday. May you too have much to be grateful for.

ToughChoices

My husband used to tell me that my lack of "unconditional love" for him was the reason our relationship was faltering.
He thought that if I could only love him through the alcohol, the lies, the disappointments, we would be just fine. If I'd just see past that stuff and focus on the positive, we would make it.

I thought he was full of it.

Today, I see that unconditional love is not about romance. It is not about accepting unacceptable behaviors at the cost of my sanity. It is not about living with my alcoholic through thick and thin. It is not about keeping the marriage intact.

It is about seeing another as a flawed and lovely human being - a child of God. It is about never giving up. It is about believing in a plan beyond my own understanding, and letting go of my fear and resentment.

It is about removing the limits on my love, and opening myself to the tremendous possibilities that exist outside of my conditions.

I, too, have much for which to be thankful.
Thanks for the reminder, Spiritual Seeker!

-TC

Ago

thank you both so much

Oh, TC, I saw "our friend" Annie again last night at dinner, she told some thanksgiving stories that had us all laughing so hard we were crying, I'll PM you later.

prairiegirl

I really appreciate hearing your words of wisdom. It's so easy to forget, when you are in the turmoil, to love unconditionally. Now that my relationship has ended and we're not in contact anymore, I blame myself for not being as unconditional in my love as I could have been. However, I do believe that we can still continue to love and believe in that person's ability from a distance. When I pray to my Higher Power, I continue to send out a request to bless him and look out for him because I know there is always hope.

Spiritual Seeker

ToughChoices, I think you are right. Unconditional Love is separate from detaching, enabling and making choices for ourselves. It does not mean being a doormat.
It is just love.
Maybe it is most pure between a parent and child.

FormerDoormat

Not giving up on my loved one kept me stuck in a miserable relationship for 22 years. Today the love I offer to others is conditional. Treat me kindly, respectfully, and with love and I'll offer the same in return. Treat me disrespectfully or poorly, and I'll walk away.

Had I not given up on Richard and continued to offer unconditional love to him, I would have died right alongside him.

Today, I love myself unconditionally--enough to protect myself from harm and end relationships that are toxic to me. I love others conditionally based on how they treat me.

Today I give thanks for a happy, peaceful life that's free from the drama, chaos, and toxicity created by another person's addiction.

ToughChoices

But you loved Richard till the end, right FD?

I really admire your ability to love and take care of yourself, but when I read your posts about Richard, I am always struck by your love for him.

I guess what I'm figuring out is that loving someone unconditionally doesn't mean being involved in their life unconditionally.

In truth I think unconditional love, like forgiveness, may be something I do FOR ME. Because it frees me.
Because it's a hell of a lot better than being filled with hate and anger.

miss communicat

Thankfully, today, I have grown into a better understanding of the wisdom in this approach. I used to be very defended and armored against the pain of codependence. If not angry, I was cold with indifference.

Years back, if someone had tried to tell me "never give up on my loved one" with addiction, alcoholism, or whatever other set of crazy-making constellations humans can bring to our lives, I would have fiercely rejected the concept because it wasn't safe for me to open this way.

Something happened as I recovered more. The more I came to know who I am, and to love and accept myself as I am (hey, sounds like unconditionality), the more healthy I became. Healthiness to me does not mean that I now reject people better, or dismiss them as hopeless.

In fact, it means that I hold to the high potential in each person as I relate to them. I assume the best is possible. I let them know how much better they can be. That change and healing are possible and that the healing door is never closed on them by spirit.

now this does NOT mean that I throw myself away. It does NOT mean that I waste my precious time and attention trying to teach, change or fix anyone.

It just means that I get to feel more positive in all my affairs. And I want to feel good.

An analogy is this: When I'm driving on an icy road, I slow down and take good care. In fact, if at all possible, Idon't even go out and drive in icy conditions. But, sometimes icy conditions happen in life.

When they do, and IF I find myself skidding, the intuitive reaction is to slam on the brakes and turn away from the direction the skid is taking me.

However, to actually come out of the skid safely, intact, and with no harm done, I need to turn INTO the direction of it. This way, the forces allow the situation to right itself.

Emotionally, I used to contract and reject anyone who seemed "skiddy" to me. I've tried it with my own daughter in the past. I've tried it with alcohlic boyfriends and 1 A husband. And, sure. I survived, but barely intact emotionally. Probably caused alot more subtle emotional harm to self and others.

So...these days I DO believe there is merit in seeing the potential for good in a person ( just not in marrying it).

FormerDoormat

Yes, TC, I loved Richard until the end. But I did give up on him when it was clear he'd given up on himself. I ended the relationship and stopped all contact with him. More importantly, I stopped basing my happiness and measuring my success on what he was doing with his life. Despite what I used to believe love does not conquer all and hope doesn't rain eternal.

All the love and hope in the world didn't save Richard from himself. What I chose to do with my life and my recovery had no impact on how Richard chose to live his life; it only impacted mine.

In response to your post, MissC, today I measure my emotional health on my ability to accept reality and protect myself from harm.

FormerDoormat

Oops, double post.

embraced2000

i'm very thankful that your son is getting help.

i wish you both the best. it must have been very hard to watch ones child in the depths of addiction.

i'm not sure i could ever give up hope for recovery.....but like fd, i can remove myself from the chaos.

jeri

FormerDoormat

I think the difference between my response and that of others may be that there was no recovery, no second chance, no happy ending for Richard. Death by alcoholism is a slow, lingering, and painful death. It's excruciating for the alcoholic to experience. It's excruciating for their loved ones to watch.

If I loved Richard unconditionally, I would have been at his side until the end regardless of the affect on me. But in his darkest days and in his darkest hours I chose to withdraw from him and protect myself because I loved myself more than I loved him; which is as it should be.

I believe it's healthy to love myself unconditionally and equally healthy to love others conditionally.

embraced2000

i agree fd, in that until i was able to give up the hope for a better day for my xah, i was locked in the cycle of destruction not only for him, but most importantly, for me.

i had a huge relapse when i let him back into my life, and his problems became mine all over again. the difference between him and myself was that not only did i take on his problems, but i developed many problems of my own. a double whammy.

i just can't even begin to imagine going through this with ones child......i don't know. it just seems so different when you think of your child lost to addiction. i'm not sure i could ever give up on my child. it was hard as hell to give up on my husband...i just can't even begin to imagine the same scenario with my child.

i reckon the fundamentals are the same......save oneself, first and foremost. i hope i never have to experience this hell with one of my children.

jeri

GiveLove

With all due respect, this is only your interpretation of unconditional love, FD.

I unconditionally loved both of my sisters, both of whom died as a result of their addiction. Both KNEW I had boundaries, and knew I could not, would not save them from their problems. They also knew that if they called me, or came to me sober, I would remind them they were loved, I would share good ideas, I would make them feel better about themselves and about their day. I sent cards with funny cartoons clipped out. I sent flowers on their birthday. Hell, I sang to them on their birthdays.

I did not give them my life, and I would not "be at their side no matter what". I wasn't going to fly cross-country any more, drain my savings to pay for rehab, or let them live with me and let their addictions make my life a living hell. But god did I love them.

I DID always share with them how I felt: That they were smart, funny, kind, valuable, and much-loved human beings who happened to have a terrible problem that I wish weren't there. They pi$$ed me off royally, but right behind the tears was a raging tenderness for them that never went away.

Unconditional love didn't cost me a dime. It didn't prolong their addiction. It didn't do anything but open my heart wide and give a healthy dose of love to someone who "there but for the grace of god go I....." And the one who has most benefited from this is me.

That's how unconditional love manifests itself in me. Perhaps it's different for everyone.

Spiritual Seeker, your post has struck me at just the right angle tonight, sending up a shower of beautiful, multicolored sparks to light my way this week. Thank you so much. I loved those women so much, even though neither one of them knew how to roast a turkey for sh*t, we sure had fun trying. Hugs and blessings to everybody.

FormerDoormat

As is yours, GiveLove.

ToughChoices

I don't love P unconditionally according to that standard.

Maybe it's not helpful for me to call it "unconditional love" - maybe that's a phrase that has too many religious, maternal, self-sacrificing implications to accurately describe an intimate partnership.

I guess I just feel like I've finally come to a place where I really do love my husband, regardless of his choices about alcohol. I wish him the very best. I pray he finds peace, understanding that I do not know what form that peace will take.

My good will feels unconditional. It feels loving.

But,
I do not live with him.
I will not watch him drink himself to death, and that is his current path.
He has no recovery in sight.

FormerDoormat

Yes, TC, I agree. It has an almost pious, saintly connotation, as if it's some standard folks should try to live by. Well, I'll be the first to stand up and say I'm no saint. I'm human and my love for others is conditional. If I claimed otherwise it would be dishonest.

It's easier for me to live up to human standards than saintly ones. That's what got me into trouble in the first place.

Ago

My feelings and experiences match those of Givelove and TC

I love my mother unconditionally

I love my sister unconditionally

I love my Uncle unconditionally

I have absolute compassion for these folks, however, today I am not in contact with them, they have a disease that is communicable to me.

After I get "my house in order" I will contact these people again, after I am "inoculated" and "insulated" from them being able to make me sick again, which is me giving them power over me.

My Grandmother and my xagf truthfully I don't have "unconditional love" for, but I have utter empathy and compassion for them and compassion is a form of unconditional love, if that makes sense, but these two folks were knowingly harmful to me, while "the others" were just very sick people that were unskilled and they "harmed" me inadvertently from being sick and unskilled, so consequentially I hope to never see these two again although they "hurt" me from the same reasons, from being "sick".

Two were malicious, three were just sick and unskilled.

So I have "unconditional love" in a very real sense for all five, but only three will I ever allow to contact me again.

ToughChoices

Count me as human, too!

The major change that I've experienced in recovery is a return to love - a way out of seething, self-righteous anger and into greater understanding.

For that, I am grateful. It feels so far from where I was. Night and day.

So, maybe tonight I'll call it "imperfect-but-vastly-expanded, sometimes-I-can't-see-the-edge" love.

FormerDoormat

Unconditional means without conditions or limitations. There are limits to my love, to my compassion, to my patience, to my life. None of these are endless.

I didn't love the drunk version of Richard. Not even a little bit. I loved the man behind the disease that I used to know. That's the man I speak about so lovingly. That man checked out of life long before his physical death.

I also have trouble with this phrase: "never give up on your loved one." To me, it comes across as more of an order or what the poster thinks others should do with their life.