ElChupacabra

I am an alcoholic....there I finally said it to someone. I never realised it until a little while ago, but it seems thats what I am. Worst off all I got out of the habit of drinking and this past couple weeks I managed to get back into it. I am really upset with myself for what I have done.

A little history.

I suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome. This is partly respobsible for my alcoholism as it saps you of all of your energy. I turned to drink -specifically beer- as a pick me up and as a way of dealing with the constant feeling of exhuastion. However the drink has stayed with me on and off. The problem is that since I was a teenager I have always binge drank ever couple weeks or so, and more so as the years went on and my tolerance grew. I am now 31.

Last year everything snowballed. I start drinking more regularly after a period of living on my own. Then I became exhuasted and had a CFS attack in August 2007 where I couldn't get home without having about 6 drinks to give me the energy to do so. Since then things have been a struggle. The worst of it was shortly after when I totally descended into oblivion. I ended up drinking one and a half bottles of vodka a day and I became severely adicted and pretty much unable to do anything. Life was a struggle and unenjoyable. Drinking was not pleasurable because the feeling of illness was so bad that I really struggled to cope with any moments of sobriety. I would frequently pass out and no remember the previous day.

However, since summer this year I was beginning to get a hold of things, so much so that in recent times I have gone on a cycle of drinking, feeling rough and then coming out of it once I thought I'd had too much and then going a week, on and off, without the drink. As time was going on my energy was coming back more and more. I felt that my life was coming back but that I could handle a few drinks now and again. Usually when I do drink its just a number of beers, which is more than tolerable and generates an easy withdrawl. However, the last time around I managed to drink 5 bottles of wine in two days and that left me with not only a nasty hangover, but it left me with weak arms and legs, which in turn led to depression. This is usually the first sign of a CFS period. I was desperate to sort things out and got by for a few days without drinking until Thursday when I made up a meeting so that I could get out of the office and down to the pub for a pint. 7 pints, a bottle of wine and a treble whiskey later and I went to bed. The Friday was a similar affair, although this time I ended up drinking vodka, beer and brandy. This was a turning point as it had been the first time that I had turned to spirit drinks out of choice. That was a bad sign that things were going to go downhill.

I had the worst hangover and withdrawl on Saturday than I think I'd had in a year. I have been struggling since then. The anxiety has dropped off a bit, so much so that I am in work today. By the fatigue, weakness and depression are worse than they have been for a long time. I feel right now as if I can't function, as if I won't make it home and like I am ready to die. This feels like the end. I have promised myself that from now on I will only drink on special occasions (such as Christmas Day). I will otherwise be off the drink. However, I am desperate to get back to that feeling of normality I had a few weeks ago. I have even thought about going out for a couple pints right now as a way of easing myself off the booze. My drinking so far has been thus:-

Saturday - A large brandy
Sunday - 6 bottles of alcohol free lager (which says no more than 0.05% alcohol on it so it must still have some booze in it) & a few squirts of Barts Rescue Remedy spray on the tongue - which is flowers suspedned in a brandy like fluid - you don't get much through the spray - but its still booze).
Today - so far nothing, although I have been drinking so much water and herbal tea to compensate that I've already made five trips to the loo since getting to work.

I hid Friday and Saturday's drinking from my fiancé out of shame.

I'm not sure whether or not to treat this as day 1 or day 2 of withdrawl, but I think day 2 judging by the slight improvement (I would not have been able to go to work on Saturday he it been an office day). I know I need to bear it through, but this is by far the worst I've had in a long time...and I know its down to the Brandy and vodka - they affect me far worse than wine and especially beer. I'm not sure if I can manage. This one is the last one as my fiancé has basically told me to give up the booze or give up her. I just can't contemplate the latter so I have to be strong and listen to my logic over my body.

Anyhow, I signed up here in the hope that there may be some people who have felt like this before and can try and help me through. I can't really tell anyone how I feel so I was hoping I might find some friends on here who could help me through this.

tommyk

Never forget when drinking stopped being fun, never forget the problems.

Keep coming back.

Pam08

Welcome to SR. glad you found us and glad you posted. That is the first step. I could never quit on my own, no matter how bad I felt. I suggest AA if you have not gone. That is when my healing started, going to AA, everyday..Absorb what you hear there..and do what the ole timers say they did. It is amazing, and it works. it is the only thing that is working for me. I am new, but I am now 21 days..and no urge right now...I thank God everyday for that desire to drink has been lifted from me for now. I wish you luck. Keep posting and reading here..there is alot of support here..

ElChupacabra

Drinking is still fun for me, that's the worst part of it for me. I know that if I say, screw it, I'm going for a few beers then I'll have a good few hours of fun and feel a gret deal better. I'll just need to keep doing it until I've had one too many and hit the sack tonight, only to have delayed the inevitable bad feelings for a day.

Pam08

If it is still fun then why would we stop. I didn't, makes no sence to get rid of something I enjoy. I remember the days when it was fun, those days do disappear. We all have to find that out on our own though. I do not think you can drink here and there, it is an all or nothing deal. I tried that for years also. Good luck and keep posting, you acknowledged your an alcoholic, that is big to admit that, there is alot good support here for you.

endzoner

Hello Elchup . and welcome to the family of SR . you mentioned only drinkin on holidays ie@ christmas . Many here will agree that soberity starts at one day at a time , and not to look so far down the calander , But as for holidays anyday can be one , a friend celebrating a event , a good days work , a birthday of a friend or self , the list of endless holidays grows on a on . When one gives self permission for one holiday it turns into all the others , Trying soberity alone w/o a program can lead to many falls . Have you thought bout a program , they sure have helps many myself included today im a greatful recovering alki and own much of that to a program and this forum , Its a wonderful tool to get you started in your journey to a new you . but outside help is a great thing . dont give up hope we have faith in you . Endzy :praying

ElChupacabra

I was frightened of AA as I didn't want to admit I had a problem. But the fact is that the drink isn't just about how it makes me feel during withdrawl. Its also the fact that its screwing with my life now. It changes my mood, inteferes with my home life, screws up my working week and generates episodes of CFS when I overdo it, which makes things even worse. I am on the verge of getting married and I want a kid. I can't let booze mess up those things.

Fortunately, I only go through bad withdrawl if I have a really heavy binge. If I'm out of withdrawl and I just have one or two beers a few days later the only thing I suffer from is a bit of drowsiness the next morning, which quickly subsides. However, the danger starts when I have several social nights on the trot that give rise to every day drinking. Its then that I start to drink more as the daily use leads to a craving as I verge close to the point of no return. Then, at some point I tip over the edge and I lose nearly a week to a combination of drunkeness and withdrawl (although I manage to try and work, rather than sit at home).

Thing is, I don't want to be one of these people who ends up counting their days of sobriety because it was so hard to give up. I want to get a grip of this probelm before its too late. I love the taste of good beer and I love the taste of good wine, often for the taste of the drinks themselves rather than the alcohol content (which is why I drank non-alcoholic beers yesterday). I want to be able to enjoy a glass or two when someone gets married or my kid graduates from university. For that reason I know it is time to get to grips with the problem now before it gets any worse. In essense, I am looking to be be teetotal, aside from say, two or three beers every couple months.

bumble2008123

I'm on day two as well. Let's be SR recovery buddies, me and you. I like you need to someone to talk to because I can't discuss this with pretty much anyone but my husband in RL... and he thinks I'm silly for trying to quit. Let's hold eachother accountable, what do you think?

ElChupacabra

Sure. I need a mate right now!

ElChupacabra

Yeah, I know that. But for me, living for the next 40 years with the knowledge that I am an addict will be bad enough in itself. Being who I am, with the lifestyle I lead and the people I know, it will be very difficult to carry off permanently without questions being asked if, say, I get married and I don't even had one drink.

Pam08

I know I can't just have a drink here and there.. I drank specifically to get buzzed but that always leads to drunkeness, I can't stop at one or two..I am an alcoholic and I have no control of it. If you can drink like a normal person, then maybe you are not an alcoholic. I think being an alcoholic is not being able to have one or two. I hope you can control it as you wish to, I just not sure how to do that, as I can't. ...good luck withthat..keep posting let us updated...

ElChupacabra

I can drink like a normal person when I want to. It's just when I have binges that I feel compelled to drink afterwards as I feel so rotten when the withdrawl sets in. Thats what gets me stuck into the cycle. Its simply if I have a bit too much to drink one night that I find myself drinking over subsquent nights to stave off the withdrawls. Basically I feel that I'm at the stage where if I reform my drinking habits now then I will become a full blown alchy, which I will mean that my life as it is today will be destoryed as there's no way my fiancé or family will tolerate it. Hell, even if I did end up like that and later got sober, I fear that even then I would be faced with the possibility that people would forever distrust me as a former drinker. I'm not sure I can handle that, especially after last year's vodka drinking experiences.

endzoner

I just got married in Aug of this yr ... and not one drink was served! no one questioned that and had no problem with it , Its our day and this is how we planned it , Its not to say they are not aloud to drink someplace after our day was done with , But its our wedding and ppl do respect the wishes of the bride and groom . IMO . why do we need to pay to support other peoples drinking? It eliminated alot of how will we pay for this and that . Of corse our wedding my be diff then those standard weddings. and we had dinner and such after words at a diff location , there were bars all over . We joined them in the walk down the streets and entered the bars , but it was there choice to drink outta there own pockets not ours . and we choose to just have fun being sober and remembering our day with out a blur or a question . its an important day . and we didnt wanna forget one drop of it . just my two cents on that .
40 yrs ? heck i cant even think that far down the road and dont ever try . I just take care of today . i have 5 yrs of just for todays :ghug3

Pam08

Endzoner,,.,,,,I like that, statement, "I have 5 years of just for todays"

TryingSoHard

What a great post, endzoner!!! SO TRUE, every word of it.

ElChupacabra

Can I just ask, is your partner also in recovery?

Hevyn

Hi ElChup. It seems bleak, doesn't it? A long road ahead without your anesthesia. I thought I'd never laugh or have fun again, but it's not true. It does take adjusting to the new life you'll lead, of course - but look at all the hell you're putting yourself through now, just so you can hold on to being able to drink. It is not worth the price you're paying. You probably know all the slogans, but it IS truly a progressive disease. When I was your age I never dreamed I'd end up in the hell I did - but I just kept going, trying to moderate, and it almost ended my life. Over 25 yrs. later, with a path of destruction behind me, here I am, finally sober 10 mos. thanks to finding SR. (Oh, and being faced with certain death.) If it was possible to control your drinking every time you went out partying, you would've done so. The controlled times will be fewer & fewer, if you're like most of us. My few beers once in awhile in my 20's turned into drinking round the clock, and never feeling happy or free anymore. Stay here and let us help, whatever you decide. Thanks for sharing your story. Love, Joanie

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I know that it takes a lot of motivation to stop drinking and you really need to want to be sober.

I hope you keep reading and posting.

ElChupacabra

Well I certainly don't want to be facing death...I want to get out now while things are still relatively ok!

timzup

Hello Elchup, welcome.

I certainly aint qualified to give out recovery advice just yet as I am still quite new to recovery myself. The only two things I did pick up on though are that you still want to have fun and a bit of friendship wouldn't go amiss. I can certainly vouch that this site can offer both of those and they are splendid allies to sobriety. Please hang around with us lot.