I feel numb today

Old 11-23-2008, 08:05 PM
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I feel numb today

Why do I feel like I don't care today? He has dragged me down after last night.
Today I did my own thing for hours, cleaning all day, shopping. I could care less if he packed his things and left.
I have never felt this way before. I just feel numb. I am sick of watching his selfishness- watching the hangover, withdrawls. The nastiness. the lies. He said today his whole body hurt, because he wasn't taking pills today- because he is quitting. I know it is a lie. He just dosen't have anymore, and is out of money today. However, I don't wish to have a conversation with him. I'm not even mad. I truely just feel like I don't care. How could this be? A lightswitch didn't just go off after all this time. Why do I feel numb. Is this good?
Please, any insight?
Thankyou, Cess
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Old 11-23-2008, 08:15 PM
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Sometimes I think when the mind gets tired of constant stress and worry, it numbs itself as a way to cope.
And maybe you have reached a point where you can detach yourself from the situation somewhat, especially after doing things for yourself that you've enjoyed today. Things that would have stressed you out before maybe wash over you a bit now.
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Old 11-23-2008, 08:15 PM
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In my opinion that is when you are close to the end. It becomes more of a hassle to deal with the effects of his drug abuse then to actually stay in the relationship. Welcome these feelings they will help make your decision to leave that much easier.

I was just talking to a friend about all the crap that happened leading up to me asking my ex to leave. Brings back the whole feeling of hopelessness you feel while watching them continue to do this to themselves.

Maybe you are detaching by being numb. Making yourself indifferent. Self preservation.
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Old 11-23-2008, 09:00 PM
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I think most of us can be abused only so long.

I don't know if it is useful to call it good or bad - it just seems like the natural result of someone abusing a relationship until there is nothing good left in it.

And I also think it is a way our mind protects us from further hurt. I think it's like being in shock, we might be hurt but we don't feel the pain because our brain shields us from pain that is too much to handle all at once.

I think the antidote is to follow through on getting yourself free and then finding a nurturing environment in which to heal. In my case, it took a lot longer to heal than I thought it would.

Prayers for your future happines.
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Old 11-23-2008, 09:22 PM
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Hi everyone, thank you for the replies. I talked to a mutual friend of ours tonight- he was baffaled at what I told him transpired last night. He dosn't understand at all why I am still with this man. I told him I don't understand either. He really brings nothing to the table anymore. The man I knew is gone- all that is left is an empty, volitle, man who stays in my home, and I do everything. He works....thats about it. Our intimacy is gone, our fun times are gone, he dosen't participate emotionally, physically, and minamly financially. This is MY home, and I have a great life. My kids are productive, healthy and happy, I have a great career, and I'm going back to college for my masters degree. I guess from the outside looking in- I wonder why I have stayed this long as well. I would have to say- that this relationship widdled away at my self esteem, and perhaps it is more about me wanting to believe he "loves me still"-
I guess I'm realizing now, that regardless if in his own way he loves me, he will always love his drugs/drinking more.
I guess I'm tired of trying to "see" that what we had was real. Perhaps it was, but it is gone due to his current lifestyle/addiction.
I just got back home, and he said "baby, what are u doing... are you comming to bed"...
and I will admitt, there was a shred of my heart that heard an ol voice comming from the other room- and I wanted to cling to it. The problem now is, I know those moments are like crumbs. If one gets a pitter patter in the heart, from one statement- that goes to show you how little I recieve in this relationship now.
I'm sick of rowing a boat all by myself. I'm tired.
Thankyou again for listening.
Cess
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Old 11-23-2008, 09:26 PM
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Originally Posted by cessy68 View Post
.
I just got back home, and he said "baby, what are u doing... are you comming to bed"...
and I will admitt, there was a shred of my heart that heard an ol voice comming from the other room- and I wanted to cling to it. The problem now is, I know those moments are like crumbs. If one gets a pitter patter in the heart, from one statement- that goes to show you how little I recieve in this relationship now.
I'm sick of rowing a boat all by myself. I'm tired.
Thankyou again for listening.
Cess
Exactly! You put it so well. The crumbs that we accept are so far from what they used to be and yet because we cling to the hope of that person returning we are willing to accept the crumbs.

I know that is where I was. I would even pick fights on purpose just to have his ATTENTION. That is when I knew that it wasnt gonna last much longer. I knew that what he used to give compared to what I was currently getting was no longer acceptable. That just really resonates with me because I remember feeling that way on a daily basis. Waiting for the crumbs....
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Old 11-23-2008, 09:35 PM
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I just hope when I ask him to leave again, that I don't crash again Cassandra. It seems like our situation is very similar-
Everyone here has a common bond.... that is so helpful. I am here, to find the strength to let go, have him leave, and remember the crumbs and not the fairy tale that never happened.
I hope all is well with you- stay strong!!
Thankyou all for the replies,
Cess
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Old 11-23-2008, 09:45 PM
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Cess you stay strong too. If you ever need to talk you can PM me.

Even if you do crash when he leaves that is normal. Allow yourself to grieve. Its ok to be sad about what could have been. Its ok to feel those feelings. I still have good and bad days and that will continue for quite some time. I dont expect anything anymore. It takes to much out of me to expect things. Just know that whatever happens you will be ok. You are strong you wouldnt be here if you werent. Take your time you will know when your ready. You just get to a place where you cant take it anymore.

I tried to look at it this way. I wasnt gonna stand by and enable him to continue to kill himself. Maybe by me kicking him out it got the ball rolling to save his life.
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Old 11-24-2008, 03:21 AM
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Dear Cass, You said it so right, you are tired of rowing the boat by yourself. May I add when 2 people row the same way the boat moves fast, when only one rows the boat moves slower but when you have someone in the boat rowing in the opposite direction the boat goes nowhere!!!
Save yourself honey noone can do it for anyone else. Stay tough when it comes to drugs. They only take you to hell in a hand basket!
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