i can almost see the light
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: florida
Posts: 269
i can almost see the light
Im almost to a better place yet right now i feel like im drowning and fighting my way up
my baby now doesnt think he is suppose to sleep longer than an hour or two at a time so im very exhausted and cant imagine how im suppose to be able to go back to work and take care of him at the same time, yet i know i have to, i have no other choice, but i dont even have the energy to take a shower right now, yet i do cause i have to
the babys first appointment is tomorrow and i know im going to be so tired that im not sure if i can go but again i have to, i already let stress keep me from the appointment once and i rescheduled
im still anemic so thats not helping my energy levels and im letting myself sink back into being depressed so its all sucking the life out of me
i wish i could crawl in a hole and just be by myself, i dont feel like seeing or talking to anyone but i know i cant hide from the world forever
im suppose to go to alabama in two weeks for a break and my parents want me away from my Xah for a bit, im suppose to stay two weeks and ive already told everyone up there that im coming, now im looking for a way to get out of going, i just dont have the energy to deal with everyone, which isnt fair they all want to see me and the baby but the thought of having to deal with them and the energy it will take just stresses me out, i have no money so i have to stay with friends so i will have no privacy or anywhere to get away from anyone, i usually love spending time in alabama and around my friends and family but now it feels like a chore
i have to file for divorce, go after child support from someone who has no job in order to keep my baby's insurance, i want a divorce i just dont want the hassle of going through it, its just so much work
i feel really low right now yet i can still see the light at the end of the tunnel , when i get back we will be living in a new place, more room, i will actually have my own room and my own space, my xah wont know where i am, as long as i dont break down and call him he wont have any way of getting in touch with me as im also changing my number again, probably before i go to alabama, so i know once i get back everything will be changed and it will be up to me to never contact my xah again and as long as i do that im free of him, theres only a small chance he could find me but im hoping it doesnt happen and i really dont see him making the effort, he likes things easy and im not going to make anything easy for him anymore, i will be going back to work when i get back so i will finally have my own money again and can get the rest of the baby items i need
i think ive been comfortable in my misery and the thought of things getting better scare me, how sick is that? I fear doing everything alone yet really ive done it alone my whole marriage, i took care of him, if not for me then we would have went under way sooner, yet i still feel in some weird way that i cant do it without him, yet i know that i can and have
im almost there but now the fear is setting in and i wonder how im going to get everything done, yet again i know that i have to , just like i know i have to get up when the baby cries, i have no choice
coming out of my addiction of my xah is about the toughest thing ive ever had to do and in the back of my mind i wonder if ill fight this addiction for the rest of my life?
my baby now doesnt think he is suppose to sleep longer than an hour or two at a time so im very exhausted and cant imagine how im suppose to be able to go back to work and take care of him at the same time, yet i know i have to, i have no other choice, but i dont even have the energy to take a shower right now, yet i do cause i have to
the babys first appointment is tomorrow and i know im going to be so tired that im not sure if i can go but again i have to, i already let stress keep me from the appointment once and i rescheduled
im still anemic so thats not helping my energy levels and im letting myself sink back into being depressed so its all sucking the life out of me
i wish i could crawl in a hole and just be by myself, i dont feel like seeing or talking to anyone but i know i cant hide from the world forever
im suppose to go to alabama in two weeks for a break and my parents want me away from my Xah for a bit, im suppose to stay two weeks and ive already told everyone up there that im coming, now im looking for a way to get out of going, i just dont have the energy to deal with everyone, which isnt fair they all want to see me and the baby but the thought of having to deal with them and the energy it will take just stresses me out, i have no money so i have to stay with friends so i will have no privacy or anywhere to get away from anyone, i usually love spending time in alabama and around my friends and family but now it feels like a chore
i have to file for divorce, go after child support from someone who has no job in order to keep my baby's insurance, i want a divorce i just dont want the hassle of going through it, its just so much work
i feel really low right now yet i can still see the light at the end of the tunnel , when i get back we will be living in a new place, more room, i will actually have my own room and my own space, my xah wont know where i am, as long as i dont break down and call him he wont have any way of getting in touch with me as im also changing my number again, probably before i go to alabama, so i know once i get back everything will be changed and it will be up to me to never contact my xah again and as long as i do that im free of him, theres only a small chance he could find me but im hoping it doesnt happen and i really dont see him making the effort, he likes things easy and im not going to make anything easy for him anymore, i will be going back to work when i get back so i will finally have my own money again and can get the rest of the baby items i need
i think ive been comfortable in my misery and the thought of things getting better scare me, how sick is that? I fear doing everything alone yet really ive done it alone my whole marriage, i took care of him, if not for me then we would have went under way sooner, yet i still feel in some weird way that i cant do it without him, yet i know that i can and have
im almost there but now the fear is setting in and i wonder how im going to get everything done, yet again i know that i have to , just like i know i have to get up when the baby cries, i have no choice
coming out of my addiction of my xah is about the toughest thing ive ever had to do and in the back of my mind i wonder if ill fight this addiction for the rest of my life?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hang in there, veryrestless. Remember that postpartum depression is a very real possibility, so don't base any life-changing decisions on how you feel right now. ( here, in case you need it: Postpartum depression - MayoClinic.com )
Do you HAVE go to to Alabama now? So soon after having the baby? You're exhausted and anemic and you went though a TON of stress around the time of his birth. That just seems like so soon. I wouldn't want to go yet either, and I'm surprised people think you're just supposed to pop up all happy and hit the road right away...can you buy yourself a little bit of time?
Hugs,
GL
Do you HAVE go to to Alabama now? So soon after having the baby? You're exhausted and anemic and you went though a TON of stress around the time of his birth. That just seems like so soon. I wouldn't want to go yet either, and I'm surprised people think you're just supposed to pop up all happy and hit the road right away...can you buy yourself a little bit of time?
Hugs,
GL
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
(VR)
You have a lot on your plate right now! I remember those days when I never got more than an hour or 2 sleep at a time. It was difficult for sure!
Is your family supportive? Are they able to help you? Or will they add to your stress? If they are loving and supportive, it's probably a really good idea to go there so they can help you with all of this. If they're not so supportive, then perhaps you can go another time when you're stronger.
Do you have a local Al Anon group? Or a church group or co workers ~ anyone you can call on for a bit of help? There is nothing wrong with asking for help.. whether it's someone to come and sit with the baby so you can sleep or take a bubble bath, maybe they can put a good meal together so you can rest.
The most important things in the world right now are your baby and his mommy.
hugs
Cats
You have a lot on your plate right now! I remember those days when I never got more than an hour or 2 sleep at a time. It was difficult for sure!
Is your family supportive? Are they able to help you? Or will they add to your stress? If they are loving and supportive, it's probably a really good idea to go there so they can help you with all of this. If they're not so supportive, then perhaps you can go another time when you're stronger.
Do you have a local Al Anon group? Or a church group or co workers ~ anyone you can call on for a bit of help? There is nothing wrong with asking for help.. whether it's someone to come and sit with the baby so you can sleep or take a bubble bath, maybe they can put a good meal together so you can rest.
The most important things in the world right now are your baby and his mommy.
hugs
Cats
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 113
Oh my goodness Veryrestless ... just reading your post made me feel so overwhelmed ... I can only imagine how difficult things must be for you right now. I hope that you can find some help from someone ... there must be some sort of assistance somewhere for single moms where you are?? I'm sending prayers your way that you find some help to lighten your load right now ... (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
If the actual getting to Alabama itself is not too stressful, it may be it's something that could work out for you. I know you need to feed him, but maybe a lot of hands pitching in to help take care of Benjamin will give you some much needed rest (including the overworked brain).
Hang in there!
Hang in there!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: florida
Posts: 269
going to alabama will actually be a good thing, i have a tendancy to hide away from everybody and the world, and ive got to just get back out there and quit hiding, i have so much stuff to do and sitting at home isnt going to get anything accomplished, ive decided for different reasons, money mainly to stay only a week in alabama, i think i can deal with everyone for that long, and i would actually probably have more help up there and people wanting to hold the baby and giving me a break, course i dont think i could leave him with anyone, i have attachements lol , its just the getting up and actually going and i really really need a break from down here
im actually very lucky and need to remember that with my baby, hes not bad, he dont just sit and cry (knock on wood) he only gets fussy until i get him up and feed him, so i know im lucky with him cause ive seen some bad babies that will make you go nuts lol , i certainly dont take him for granted or appreicate that hes the way he is
i have to deal with my resentment of my xah cause i didnt just go out and get pregnant, it was planned and actually he talked me into getting pregnant again after my miscarriage when i was gonna wait a while, since i feel he caused the miscarriage anyway, but i feel he should be helping and it makes me so mad, i get looks when i go to the doctor or when i was in the hospital like i just went out and got pregnant and i want to scream out what my situation is so they quit judging me, i didnt ask to have to use all this goverment help, i was married almost 6 years before i had a baby, its just frustrating but i know i have to get over it and work on myself and quit expecting some miracle that makes him a normal person, its just hard to go into these doctors offices and see a couple there, and the man playing with his kid or holding his baby like a normal man does and to know i cant give my child that
alot of being tired is normally i deal with depression by sleeping, i also have, or closing myself up in my room, and now i dont have my own room right now (i will soon!) and now i have to be awake to deal with it head on and its hard sometimes, i know i got to quit hiding out cause it doesnt do nothing for me and if i wasnt depressed i could deal with the no sleep a little better, but everyday that i dont hear from my xah i get stronger and i feel better, i know im so close to finally getting this situation over with and getting to a place where he cant find me , i swear when i get my divorce papers and its final im gonna dance naked down the street
i made it to my babys doctor today, i dont like the place but i made it and got it over with , hes perfectly healthy no problems , ill probably switch doctors, the place didnt look clean and really outdated i just wasnt comfortable with the place
i go wednesday to talk to child support enforcement, course i dont see getting any money from someone who has no job but im going ahead with it
im slowly making it, taking it a step at a time , dont give up hope on me, one way or another ill make it, im trying to get through all my low points, im trying to think positive and not let the bad effect me so much, ill just be so glad to finally be free of everything to do with my xah
im actually very lucky and need to remember that with my baby, hes not bad, he dont just sit and cry (knock on wood) he only gets fussy until i get him up and feed him, so i know im lucky with him cause ive seen some bad babies that will make you go nuts lol , i certainly dont take him for granted or appreicate that hes the way he is
i have to deal with my resentment of my xah cause i didnt just go out and get pregnant, it was planned and actually he talked me into getting pregnant again after my miscarriage when i was gonna wait a while, since i feel he caused the miscarriage anyway, but i feel he should be helping and it makes me so mad, i get looks when i go to the doctor or when i was in the hospital like i just went out and got pregnant and i want to scream out what my situation is so they quit judging me, i didnt ask to have to use all this goverment help, i was married almost 6 years before i had a baby, its just frustrating but i know i have to get over it and work on myself and quit expecting some miracle that makes him a normal person, its just hard to go into these doctors offices and see a couple there, and the man playing with his kid or holding his baby like a normal man does and to know i cant give my child that
alot of being tired is normally i deal with depression by sleeping, i also have, or closing myself up in my room, and now i dont have my own room right now (i will soon!) and now i have to be awake to deal with it head on and its hard sometimes, i know i got to quit hiding out cause it doesnt do nothing for me and if i wasnt depressed i could deal with the no sleep a little better, but everyday that i dont hear from my xah i get stronger and i feel better, i know im so close to finally getting this situation over with and getting to a place where he cant find me , i swear when i get my divorce papers and its final im gonna dance naked down the street
i made it to my babys doctor today, i dont like the place but i made it and got it over with , hes perfectly healthy no problems , ill probably switch doctors, the place didnt look clean and really outdated i just wasnt comfortable with the place
i go wednesday to talk to child support enforcement, course i dont see getting any money from someone who has no job but im going ahead with it
im slowly making it, taking it a step at a time , dont give up hope on me, one way or another ill make it, im trying to get through all my low points, im trying to think positive and not let the bad effect me so much, ill just be so glad to finally be free of everything to do with my xah
Can't make sense out of crazy.
Join Date: May 2008
Location: In the Bluegrass, Baby!
Posts: 211
Hugs to you! You going through a really difficult time. Get yourself as much rest as possible, pamper yourself as much as you can and remember to eat and drink well too, very important!
As a nurse, and former doula and childbirth educator, and a mom, I'd like to echo GiveLove's mention of Postpartum Depression. Please keep that in mind. Several of my former clients suffered through it for a lot longer than they needed to before they got themselves some help. And it can strike anytime within the first year after the baby's birth.
You've had a lot to deal with in a short amount of time, and all of what you've been dealing with can certainly trigger depression to set in.
If it were me, if going to Alabama meant being surrounded by supportive nuturing, helpful family and friends, I'd go.
If it meant otherwise, I'd stay put. You're pretty fragile both phsically and emotionally - do what feels best for you.
As a nurse, and former doula and childbirth educator, and a mom, I'd like to echo GiveLove's mention of Postpartum Depression. Please keep that in mind. Several of my former clients suffered through it for a lot longer than they needed to before they got themselves some help. And it can strike anytime within the first year after the baby's birth.
You've had a lot to deal with in a short amount of time, and all of what you've been dealing with can certainly trigger depression to set in.
If it were me, if going to Alabama meant being surrounded by supportive nuturing, helpful family and friends, I'd go.
If it meant otherwise, I'd stay put. You're pretty fragile both phsically and emotionally - do what feels best for you.
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