JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Hello All,

I am new here, but not new to Alcoholism. My AH was sober for years and had a light bulb moment about 4 years ago. What I mean about a light bulb moment is he decided that maybe he was not an alcoholic after all and the stress of having kids caused him to drink too much back then. Now being niave to the disease 4 years ago, my response was, your an adult and if you think you can drink normally, then, be an adult and do that. HELLLLLLOOOO
Can we say BAD RESPONSE.

FAST FORWARD, this man has turned into someone I do not even know today and it truly blows my mind. My question is: For all of you that are/were married to an alcoholic, how did you get through the phase where you know you can not live like this anymore but still have a house, kids, dog with this person?

THANKS!!

Live

Start your own account for money and set yourself up to make your move when the time is right for you...and if it all works out, ....well, you have vacation money!

Still Waters

Great advice. I wasn't able to do this unfortunately, and now I've made that move but we're almost penniless.

Freedom1990

Honestly? I had to leave him.

Rella927

Welcome to SR! Glad that you found us! Please check out our stickies at the top of the forum as they are filled with a wealth of information...

Live has great support there....."Start your own account"

In my situation I was not married however when I knew it was right to cut bait was when I waited to long and he started to physically abuse me! The disease only gets worse as they continue to make the choice to keep drinking-we cannot stop them (As you stated "Bad response") but we can stop ourselves from living with the reprocutions of the disease.

When we remove ourselves and help ourselves we change for the better- Unfortunate that is all we can do-They need to do this for themselves!

Have you thought about an Al-Anon meeting? I went because of the A's in my life but, I stayed and learned a lot about ME!

Glad that you are here and know that you are not alone in this-Keep posting!

prairiegirl

Welcome to SRI. In my case, I stuck out that period of time of knowing I couldn't live with him for way too long. From the time I really knew I shouldn't be with him anymore until we separated was 6 years and I wouldn't recommend my method. As someone mentioned, it only gets worse over time and he started the physical abuse on two occasions, within the last month, and that was it for me. I always rationalized that at least he wasn't physically abusive. It even shocked him that he'd stooped to that level. If you stick around like I did, trying every which way to make it work, it only wears you down. And quite often, it manifests as physical illness, like it did in my case. When you hold in all that resentment and anger and frustration, it has to come out somewhere. Just stick some money away and make a plan of action. Be very careful to keep that secret as having worked with abused women, they say that the time when physical abuse can escalate is when a woman is trying to leave. Seek out Alanon meetings in your area and this forum is a great resource.

coyote21

I lost the big house, the nice trucks, the dogs, and even the little kid!

I ended up getting the kid back, the house, dogs, and trucks were all too big anyway. Today a year later DD and I (her dad), and our 20lb black tomcat share a tiny 1br apt and we drive a little beat up nissan pu truck, and life is MUCH SIMPLER and FAR BETTER than it was living w/active alcoholism and having a lot of stuff.

Mom is still out there doing research! Oh well, you have to let go or be dragged.

I got to Alanon (sentenced to Alanon by CPS judge), got me a Higher Power, got sober, found SR, and followed the paths of those that have gone before me. Life is good over here "on the other side" as they say.

Good luck, you will figure out what to do. We'll help you.

Thanks and God bless us all, :praying
Coyote

blessed4x

I still have the house, kids and dog with my AH......and a plan. The first thing I did (after getting tons of advice and support here) was visit with an attorney. Most around here give a free consult and it was just what I needed to help me sort through all the legal stuff. It makes it more bearable on most days to know I am pro-actively socking away enough money for a new place if I need to set up residence. I've had a few set-backs with a shakey job situation, but I'm plodding along.

I will say that if he EVER became physically abusive with me, the kids, OR the dog we are out pronto. We had an incident around Halloween where he was verbally/emotionally abusive with our 4 y.o. and had started being more angry and mouthy with all of us. I let him know that if it happened again one of us was leaving and it would likely be him after I called the police. Hasn't happened since. After so many years of being the pleaser, the one to back down and keep the peace it's really hard for me to speak up and stand my ground. It's also very empowering!

You will find so much wisdom here from strong men and women who walk the talk and those like us who are sorting through it all.

baileyboop

I have my own little house, the kids, cats, dogs, ect...and XAH comes in and visits from time to time and sees the kids. It's about the same for me now as when I was married, except I don't worry about what he does anymore, have less bills, and I am much more happier. I got off the rollercoaster. I always was kinda skeered of roller coasters anyway. : )

GiveLove

Welcome!!

Oh, heavens, the nice SR people are so tired of hearing me say this but

I take life in small steps. Looking at the big picture sometimes (house, kids, dogs, DVD collection, etc.) can paralyze us into not doing anything. So I break things into small, manageable bites and pick one small thing I can do something about TODAY.

You'll hear people here talk about how they are "just going to do the next right thing." That's what they're talking about.

One small thing might be a meeting with an attorney.
Or setting up a PO box, to which you can have sent the statements of...
...The bank account you might set up some time, to start building an emergency fund for yourself and the kids.

It could be as simple as finding an Al-Anon meeting in the local paper, and dropping in to hear peoples' stories. You'll find a lot of support there in an hour. You don't even have to say a word.

Or just read the "stickies" at the top of this forum's home page. Taking a half-hour to sift through those will really give you a lot of information about your options.

Tiny little steps will get you there if you feel like you're frozen in place.

By all means, keep posting. There are some amazing people here, as blessed4x says.

Hugs,
GL

DII

I'm there right now JRGirl! It is scary and frustrating! I am the breadwinner and I travel about 50% of the time so even though I'd like to stay home I need to be out there earning the dough! The most important thing are those kids....I should have made the move sooner and now they don't have a healthy understanding of relationships.

Bernadette

I was completely broke and in debt when my ex and I split up.

The 2 boys stayed with me. Ex went off to live abroad for 6 (SIX!!!) years. It was very trying financially, extremely trying sometimes (like in winter, do I eat first or pay the heating bill??)

But not one of those difficulties, honestly, not one day in financial distress was as bad as the way I felt in my dead marriage. For years I was broke but happy, and my kids have thrived.

I wish I had had the time and resources to make a perfect plan and transition, but I didn't, and ultimately it all worked out. My only regret is I wish I had left 2 years earlier!

Peace-
B.

Pajarito

JRGirl- Welcome! I guess like some of the others I started to sense that I had to make a plan, so years ago I started putting money away little by little. It's not a lot, but it's something. And in the end I had to give up. We are getting a divorce. We've been separated now for almost a year and a half. It's taken me a long time to accept the reality of how I was living, what I was putting up with, and most of all- who he is right now. He's not the man I thought I married. It's sad, and not easy, but I am getting to where I need to be one step at a time. I try to stay focuse don the day or it will all overwhelm me.

And BTW- I have a crazy, funny Jack Russell who makes me laugh every day and gets me out walking even in the dead of winter. I assume that's what JRGirl refers to? Get all the joy you can from your kids and dog- if that's what JR is. (((Take care)))

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

Thanks for all the replies!

I have gone to Al-anon and do find it somewhat helpful. I get stuck on the part where they say "You can still be happy and detach even if living with a Active A". I find it very hard to detach and live with the A and all the BS they dish out. That is why I am here. I hoping to find some help with dealing with this situation.

I have my own bank account and I am making a plan. I guess I am trying to find a way to get through this difficult time. I never thought I would be in this position years later. We should be getting ready to enjoy life now that the kids are almost raised. One will be going to college next year and the other will follow shortly after. Raising kids is the most rewarding and challenging things a person can do in life (as I am typing this the two cherubs are fighting downstairs). I am just confused right now.

Pajrito - He is a Jack Russell and he is about the only thing that is making me smile these days. Two teenage girls (one just broke her ankle) and 1 BIG 47 YR OLD TEENAGER I DIDN"T COUNT ON. I guess I am wondering where the third one came from and where my partner went? You know, the person that is there for ya and is your rock and you are his.

PS How do I cut and paste the smileys below?? I right clicked, hit copy but when I went to paste and was grayed out and did not work.

worriedwife2

JR Girl,

Hello,

I am right there with you trying to work on a plan. It is so hard in my situation to put money away though. Any extra money we have he finds a way to get to it and buy pills or alcohol. Does your husband lie to you? I don't even know what the truth is anymore. They are such stupid lies too. He put $20 in the gas tank and I know he only put in $10. He uses the cash back feature and doesn't think I have a clue. He is mistaken. He used to be (10 years ago) the love of my life. This disease has progressed so much.

I don't have any great words of advice, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I am right now just trying to get through the holidays, because I don't want to devistate my five year old. After the first, I have to seriously start working on my plan. The thing is, he has no clue. Can he not tell I am miserable. Or, he just doesn't care. Alcohol has taken over his life. He thinks me not flipping out on him anymore, that I am happy. I am just trying to let him live his own life and I live my own. Very hard to do when you live under the same roof.

Keep posting, the people on this board are just wonderful.:ghug3

Chris

queenteree

(((JRGirl))) I've been in almost the exact situation as you are now (you can read my prior posts if you'd like for background, he was sober for over 15 years, loving father and husband, etc.) and let me tell ya, it only gets worse, never better. Mine has been to two rehabs in 15 months, gotten abusive, almost died, and stupid me still has him back in the house (after this past stint in the hospital and rehab and sober for 4 months), now he won't leave, and there's not a thing I can do about it. I try to avoid going home, I'm not having the holidays at all this year and I just pray for the day God takes him so I can finally have some peace in my life. I will pray for you.

nowinsituation

JackRussell - I left my STBXAH a little over a year ago. I guess I did it backwards because I left him; then I went to Al-Anon. Actually I was afraid to go to Al-Anon because I didn't want anyone to try to tell me that I should stay. I went a month or so after I left at the urging of a friend because I was still so angry with him even though I was gone. Al-anon has definately helped me deal with this anger (along with individual therapy). My big surprise was that no one in Al-anon condemned me for leaving -- huh?? What a relief! We had been married 24 years; and were the "perfect" couple in the eyes of all of our friends and family. It shocked everyone (including me) when I left. I was so worried about how the kids would be affected; but only recently has my daughter (age 14) revealed to me how much her Dad's behavior and drinking has affected her. I know she is better off away from that toxic atmosphere!

Worried Wife - I can relate to your comment about how you can't believe your husband can't tell you are miserable. For about four months before I moved out I tried to tell my STBXAH how miserable I was. I would tell him I wasn't happy, that I knew he was "secretly" drinking and how betrayed I felt because of that. It would be a tearful dramatic argument -- with him telling me that I didn't understand him and that I had no right to be miserable. Part of me actually believed that I had no right to be miserable (how sick was I back then) -- but that didn't change the fact that I was miserable every night when I went to sleep and every morning when I woke up and most of the time in between! Then, the next day he would pretend that everything was fine -- WTF? We weren't even talking to each other except to exchange greetings. Then when I left he was shocked and said he thought that everything was fine. I asked how he could think that when we weren't even talking to each other. "But we are -- I tell you hello everyday when you come home from work" were his exact words. If only that was all it took to build a relationship?

blessed4x

I could have written that. Again, we all have our scripts, huh? I wish I could get up the courage to shock everyone (mostly myself) and leave. I'm encouraged to know your daughter is glad to be out of it.

FormerDoormat

I still have a house, kids, and three dogs--just NOT with that person. Now I have it all. A quiet, peaceful life. A lovely home. Happy kids. No drama or chaos in my life. No intolerable drunken behavior. The best move I ever made was to end the relationship.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

So basically I might be on the right track. So far I have decided that this is what I am going to do:

1. Stop listening to the "We will be together forever, you know I Love You and we have been together half our lives."

2. Keep socking away money and start to make a budget of what it will
cost me to live and take care of the girls. Dog Dog is cheap so I
will not count his bag of dog food a month!

3. Stop worrying about how I will pay for college. This has been holding
me back since I feel that asking him to leave would mean two house
payments and that money could go towards college for the girls.

4. When he starts his BS, I am going to picture a BIG AFLAC DUCK saying
QUACK QUACK QUACK!!! I think I will print out a duck picture to distract
myself and when he starts I will just stare at the DUCK!

All kidding aside, just typing this gives my mixed emotions. Am I really deciding to separate from this man. It doesn't seem real and feels a bit scary. One minute I feel, I will be OK and another minute I feel sick to my stomach.