lovesmenot74

Hello all,

Just touching base.

I haven't been posting much. Lately, I feel as though journaling or posting is just dredging up feelings that I'd rather not deal with, if that makes any sense. I am still reading posts from other people ... for some reason though, I'm feeling like I just want to slip into denial for a bit.

I managed to get through ONE day where I didn't cry ... and I feel like I'm fighting to not think about things that are hurting me ... seems like it doesn't take much these days to trigger some memory of my ex, and then to have that memory lead down a painful path of wondering what he's doing, if he's still with his new gf ... and then hoping she'll dump him and he'll call. It all ends up coming back to being hurt that he hasn't even tried to contact me ... and time just keeps on ticking away. Lately I've been envisioning my life years down the road, still waiting and hoping that one day he'll call ... and I hate to think that way.

I know I'm avoiding ... and I know avoidance is a bad thing ... but I am doing some positive things. I've joined a forum for bodybuilding and fitness and I'm spending some time there ... trying to keep the focus on me and away from thoughts of him. I got accepted into a college program that will allow me to (hopefully) get away from this city - maybe a change in scenery will help with things.

I just find that no matter what I do here, there are memories of him attached because we pretty much did everything together. It's difficult to go do things that I enjoyed, because he was usually with me, so even if I do get some joy from doing those things, the sadness creeps up and I'm back to missing him.

I try every day to remind myself that I have no reason to think that he's changed. He was the same person when he was with me, that he was before I met him - I just chose to see the good parts of him and ignore the not-so-good parts and hope that those parts would change ... and if I'm being honest with myself, I thought that if he loved me enough, if our relationship was important enough, then he would change the not-so-good behaviours and then I'd get all the good stuff and wouldn't have to deal with the bad stuff. I'm ashamed that I had such a selfish attitude.

I have this immense fear that it really does all come down to him not loving me enough. That he will love this new gf enough ... or some other girl in the future enough ... and he'll change for her and she'll get all of the good things that I waited for and put up with all his crap for. It's horrible ... so horrible to even admit that while I want his life to get better, I only want it to get better if it means coming back to me so I can finally have the person I loved - without the bad parts. (Even though I'm not sure I'd ever be able to forgive him for replacing me) And if he's not going to come back, then I want to know that he's never changed ... so that I don't regret the choices I've made. I'm so ashamed of these thoughts.

I am so afraid that he's somewhere breathing a sigh of relief that he finally got away from me ... and that i'm the only one sitting here missing him and wishing things turned out differently ...

blah ... see? this is what I meant ... it seems to all come flooding back, and isn't seeming to get any better by talking/thinking/writing about it ...

I know I can't stuff my feelings and ignore them ... but I don't know what else to do ... I don't feel as though I'm making any progress no matter what action I take.

Anyway ... sorry for the rant ... just thought I'd touch base.

dogged

im sorry your having such a hard time, i know exacly how you feel i have had many of the same thoughts about if they get clean enough to come back? but yet i would rather not know what he is doing or if he gets clean because i know all those old fears would come back for me anyway..im sure he is still shcked up with his new girlfriend, but nothing they have lasts..it cant until they decide to help themselves,,and in reality if they ever get well enough(and we are talking years here) they will see that what they had was not bad,,they will understand we had to leave.. the addiction issues will always be there for them,,wether if thier clean or not, and i personally dontthink i could go through that again..do i miss him,? yes very much, but in time i know it will get better, distance has been a life saver for me and focusing on myself,,i do not know if i will ever find another person that i will love as much as i did him, but regardless, i know im much better without him then staying in hell,,its a no win situation..your damned if you stay or if you leave but i feel in time the more i focus on what i want out of life and pursuing those options the less he will take up space in my mind,,it has gotten better already.. it helps me to think he is never gonna change..and if he does i dont want to know about it..lol

cassandra2

LMN I see that you are still in so much pain. For that, I am sorry. I dont know what you can wrap your head around to get better. For me its been a multitude of things. Mostly, though things have come with time. Alot of self reflection and figuring things out on my own. Of course reading here and getting alot of good solid info has been extremely helpful.

I find that I am not crying as much anymore. Not because the pain is gone but because now it is a different kind of pain. In the beginning it was the natural pain of rejection in a break up even though I asked him to leave. Then when I realized it was the drugs that took him away I knew that he wasnt purposely rejecting me or the kids.

I accepted that. As you read in my other post I put to much expectation in HIM. And sweety I think you are putting to much expectation in yourself to feel better by now. We are all different we all grieve differently and believe me you will get there. Its not about when or how long its gonna take. It will take as long as it takes. When you feel better you will feel better. Just allow yourself to feel this its part of the process. You will get better. I know everyday there are reminders of him but thats ok to allow yourself to think about it and move on.

I had to take down all of our family pictures in my house because it was to painful to look at his face. To remember the person he used to be. We all do what we have to do for ourselves.....

Keep going you will get there.

lovesmenot74

dogged & cassandra,

Thanks for your replies. I know it will take time and that I will get better eventually ... but you know what?? I'm TIRED of trying. I'm TIRED of being sad. I'm TIRED of thinking about him or trying not to think about him, or trying to focus on me ... it's all so hard and i'm TIRED.

I am so afraid I'm going to hurt over him for a long time ... and I don't want to. I'm so irritated because I know it's a process and it's going to take as long as it's going to take ... but I know how long it took me to get over my last serious bf and I cannot even bear to think it might take the same amount of time or longer to get over this. I cannot bear to go thru years of heartache again and yet there is NOTHING I can do to just switch it off ... which is what I'd like to do ... just turn it off and forget all about the past 2 years.

I'm so angry with myself for putting myself in the position to let my heart be vulnerable ... I'm so angry that I wasn't more careful with my heart. Until him, I was so careful never to let myself be vulnerable again ...

I just don't know what I'm going to do ... how I'm going to get by ... how I'll move on.

I've been so hurt that I feel I cannot open my heart to love again ... and yet I fear living my entire life without romantic love ...

Like dogged said, I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't ... and I'm TIRED of it.

cassandra2

First of you will not have real romantic love if you have fear of it. It is something that will constantly haunt you if you dont deal with it now. That fear will turn into insecurity and in your next relationship it will rear its ugly head and you will end up hurt again.

Make yourself whole. Do this by doing what makes you happy. I know you are tired of feeling this way so start by doing something about it. Believe in yourself and your ability to move on. You can do it.

I am not looking to be with anybody right now. But what I am looking for is to be ok with myself. To NOT fault myself for the actions of another. That will come back to haunt me. I know that I loved him and put my whole heart into that relationship. I did the best that I could. Seperate what he did to you and what you did in the relationship. You did the BEST that YOU could do. When your best isnt enough for someone else that is THEIR problem NOT YOURS.

I cant help but to think that you are beating yourself up because you are really seeing the relationship for what is was. You are going back and recognizing the red flags that you ignored. That is ok. That is called LEARNING. We all have to do that in life. Make yourself better so that you can offer YOUR BEST to another. Dont let your ex determine how you feel about moving on in life.

I love my ex still to this day even after all that he has done. I am ok with that. It takes more energy to hate then to love. I hope he finds recovery not because I want to get back together but because we have a child together and I want that for her future. Once you give up all of your expectations of others you find that all you have is yourself. Sometimes that in itself is painful. Sometimes its hard to be alone. But its not a bad thing. Its not the worst. I would rather be alone then to be constantly worried about someone I have no control over.

Learn to love yourself for who you are. Accept that and you will be able to move on. I promise.

lovesmenot74

Cassandra, thanks again for posting ... I definitely see the sense in what you're saying. I just don't know what the heck is wrong with me ... I'm so frustrated.

I'm insanely jealous of ppl on this forum who complain that their exes won't stop calling them ... I think to myself ... why are all these other ppl getting calls all the time ... even when their exes have new gfs or whatever ... they're all getting calls and I'm not ... and I think to myself that everyone says they'll call eventually ... and though my head knows I should be glad he's not calling, my heart pines away for just a phone call ... to just know that i meant SOMETHING to him enough that he would want to call and see how I'm doing.

WRT your comment about fearing romantic love ... I think you're absolutely right ... and to me, it feels as though the scars from this experience are going to keep me from being able to be open to that kind of hurt again. Nothing is guaranteed and I was more sure of this relationship than any I'd ever had in my lifetime .... and here I am again, brokenhearted. I NEVER thought I'd be here trying to figure out how to go on without him. So I'm left in a conundrum ... wanting that love but fearing it too much to be open to it ... I think even if he came back tomorrow, I'd be too afraid knowing that he could replace me ... to even give love with him another chance. So I'm stuck.

I find myself thinking ... (and please do not take offense to this in any way) ... that those with children at least are lucky enough to have children to love ... and while it's not the same as romantic love, it is a kind of bond that I feel must be stronger than romantic love and I think "well sure, at least you have children to give your love to" (not specifically you, Cassandra, you as in anyone who has children). I feel as though I have nothing left. I am alone and I will likely be alone forever.

I know that everyone says I need to get right with myself. And I agree that I have lost a lot of who I was in the beginning of my relationship. However ... to me it seems that I WAS right with myself and still somehow I was able to have my heart shattered. I was fine all alone ... it took me YEARS to get to the point where I was okay with being single and doing my own thing etc. I know I still have myself and that I will go on and get things back on track and have my girlfriends and do things that I like to do ... but it doesn't seem much of a consolation for losing something that was so deep for me. I don't know if that makes sense ... I'm having a hard time putting it into words.

I guess I'm angry that I never seem to get what I want. Where the heck is my happy ending?

I probably sound like a spoiled baby right now ... but I just can't help but feel this way.

People say you only get what you can handle ... and i think I've had more than my fair share.

People say you may not always get what you want, but you get what you need ... and I cannot see how anything I've been handed lately is remotely what i need.

I just don't see it ...

And yes, I would also agree that I'm beating myself up for not seeing the red flags. I am VERY angry with myself for not protecting myself better ... for not seeing that this was going to hurt ME very badly. Much of the time we were together, I was worried about breaking promises to him and making sure I wasn't hurting him and I ended up in the end, hurting myself BIG TIME. I was stupid to give him my heart ... I was stupid to believe him when he made promises etc but I made promises and I MEANT IT. I was stupid to think that because I meant what I said, and I had the best intentions, that I could assume he was going to be the same. I'm so angry because my heartache is no one's fault but my own. When i started seeing things I didn't like, I tried to break it off and he would cry and promise to change and I would believe him and stay, all the while getting more tied up in something that ultimately hurt ME ... he doesn't care ... he's moved on and I can't and it's all my fault for allowing it to happen.

frankly

((Lovesmenot))

Even though you are still hurting, guess what? I see some progress. You are tired of being tired, tired of being unhappy, with that, comes changes and I see some, a college program? That is such great news! It is a chance to get away from all the old stuff and start some new memories that are all your own, you don't have to share them with anyone. So just in case you don't see that you are making progress, let me happily jump in and let you know that you are. Keep doing what you are doing, one day at a time.

Sending lots of hugs and prayers
B

imallright

Oh LMN, I hear you. Sometimes life seems so unfair. I sometimes feel like I am being punished for doing the right thing. BUT... I think we both know that it is better to live a REAL life than a lie. It is better to be healthy and sane rather than sick. It hurts like heck to be alone... and yes, I have children... children who are protecting Dad and ignoring me. You know, the guy with the drug problem... and I am the one who is alone. But despite all that I still have faith that I did the right thing. I know there is no going back and that living a lie will certainly never fix what has happened.

I try to push myself to get out and to think about me. Not easy, but coming here, reading, working around the house and reaching out to make friends and get finding ways to forgive myself seem to help... although at times it seems like nothing is worth it any more. Keep coming back here, just like I do. We can support each other.

Limiya

Hey, a lot of what you said feels so farmiliar with me.
Especially the wishing he'd call even when you know you shouldn't wish it.
I also long for my Xabf to call me, just to hear his voice and know he's ok. But i manage to keep myself from trying to call him cause i know he'll ignore it.
It's something we have to go through.

I don't feel like the up n down emotions of being with my xabf have changed now he's gone, but that's cause i'm mourning his loss, so i have my own emotional rollercoaster to go through without him.

I know what i should be doing, and i try, as are you, and one day you'll surprise yourself by either going through a whole day without thinking of him, or you think of him and feel nothing.
I'm waiting for that day too.

~Limiya~

cassandra2

I know this feeling to. Last week my ex was calling me but I just couldnt bear to talk to him because I dont want to fight with him. Now this weekend the lines have been silent. I wish that he would call.

I guess we are hoping that that one phone call would be the person we fell in love with and things would be ok. I miss him terribly and everyday brings a new kind of hurt. But this too shall pass.

BayAreaPhoenix

(((LMN)))

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time getting past the hurt. Wishing there was a magic word so that you could move forward with strength, confidence and a sense of anticipation.

You're doing it tho, you are letting yourself go thru the process. Do everything you can to help yourself. All the things and energy you were willing to give to your BF to help him, put that back into YOU. It's hard to do sometimes, but you are doing it and the results of these baby-steps will get you far! Keep going!

We all process differently and in our own time. Not allowing ourselves to process and walk thru our emotions and feelings will hurt us, just like getting stuck in one spot in our process can hurt us. Keep moving thru it, even if it's taking longer than you would like, you are moving.

(((hugs)))

Limiya

Cassandra - It's crazy isn't it? My ex called me on monday and i hung up cause he was wasted. His excuse??
'You love me so much yet you won't speak to me on the phone. DON'T CONTACT ME AGAIN!'
So now i'm kicking myself for not speakin to him. He won't contact me now.
But i should be grateful, not upset.

This is so hard. So many of us in the same boat.
~Limiya~

faithhopelovejr

omg! i have the same thoughts as you about my xah. he found another "host" right before i gave him the boot. i had almost 4 years of dealing with his codeine abuse. read my previous posts for a background of my situation. but i know what you mean about wondering if he's a better person now. even though it's been about 7 months since i've talked to him, he did show up at my parents house while i was staying there (i lived in the hurricane ike zone and my home was destroyed) so i was at my parents house for about 3 months. my daddy answered the door, so i didn't have to have any dealings with him. my daddy shoed him away. i wonder what he wanted and if he was messed up?? the thoughts you have about him getting his life straight (only if it meant you two getting back together), i think about that all the time. because to hear that he's still messed up and screwing up will justify my divorcing him, when we ALL know it was the right thing to do because it was the ONLY sane choice. i've always said the day he shows up at my house and apologizes without me bringing up the subject of sobriety, will be the day that he's committed himself to sober living and THEN and ONLY then will i test the waters. it may happen, but then again, it may not. i just know now that i have separated myself from the exhaustion of addiction, but i know i'll never stop loving him for the person i know he can be. good luck to you.

cassandra2

Ahhh yes we should be grateful. But in some way (as twisted as it may seem) we hold out hope. Hope that they will get better and we can resume our relationships.

Dont fool yourself he will contact you again. They always do. I have a hard time with the weekends because that is when he will not call me. I guess when he calls to it allows yourself to think for a half a second that atleast he is thinking about you.

I think as long as we have hope that they will clean up we will always expect the phone calls. Its when they stop calling that the little thoughts of losing hope creep in.

I dunno I always thought our relationship was good before drugs and if the drugs were removed from the equation that our relationship could be good after drugs to. Somedays I allow myself to think that and other days I become firm in believing its over. We are always looking for signs that things have changed I guess.