cassandra2

I find myself saying that alot lately. I have been doing inventory today. Over the last month I have been doing the same thing over and over and it has gotten me nowhere. For the first few weeks I was giving the ex rides, advice, helping, doing blah blah blah. Then when I began to realize how much it was taking a toll on me I stopped.

When he came into our home and took items out that he had no business taking I changed the locks. After that I turned his cell off. I stopped answering the phone when he did call. I just didnt want to hear the bs. I stopped letting the bs bother me.

2 weeks ago he moved in with another relative. I looked at that as him moving forward. Ok, that was an error in my judgement. How is moving into an apartment with someone who cant pay the bills without a roommate and not having a JOB to pay those bills moving forward? Its not. He is just creating another mess over there.

I thought that by getting into rehab he would start to change and "see" the things I have been shouting at him along the way. Well much to my dismay he isnt working the program. Still very much in the addict cycle. He says he wants to sit down and figure out a fair visitation schedule and yet doesnt bother to follow through with that nor even act like it bothers him that he doesnt see his kids regularly.

I have changed alot of the last few weeks. I have been able to stand up for myself and my kids. I have been able to put my foot down and keep it down. I made plans to leave town for Thanksgiving. I decided that it just would be easier on all of us to be gone. His loss. Not ours.

Today I also realized that the reason why I keep going through these sad periods is because I keep thinking that if this happens he will see or if he loses this he will see or if he gets off the pills he will see. And each time he doesnt see I am let down. So I have decided to expect nothing. I kept thinking that he would be lonely for Thanksgiving without his family and maybe that would make him see. Well, now I realize that by me thinking that I am setting myself up to get hurt once again.

I refuse to do that. I refuse to keep anticipating something. Until I see actions of someone that is thinking clearly and making rational decisions I cannot expect anything. Its easier to expect nothing and be pleasantly surprised then to expect everything and be disappointed beyond belief.

So here again, NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES........

Impurrfect

(((Casssandra)))

I know, for me, it was hard to see that what I thought was hope, was actually expectations. It wasn't until I came here, that I could see that. I would HOPE that he got clean (because I wanted our relationship to work out). I HOPED that he would apologize for his actions/behavior (because I wanted him to acknowledge the pain he had caused me). I had to learn to listen to that little voice after the hope to realize I was expecting something.

You are miles ahead of where I was.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

lovesmenot74

Wow ... this really struck a chord with me. I realized after reading this, that most, if not all of my disappointments about my ex have been centered around EXACTLY this type of thinking. All of my actions were aimed at getting him to see what he was throwing away ... and when he just got mad, and didn't turn around and change, I was hurt, humiliated, angry, disappointed etc etc. I still keep hoping he will see ... he will realize what we had and he will change and come back. And he isn't. And I'm trying to get thru my head that I have no right to insist that he change. He has every right to be an unemployed pothead thief liar. I have every right to refuse to be involved with someone who chooses that lifestyle.

Thanks for posting this ... it helped me get to a new level of reality.

cassandra2

I guess its also hard for me to accept the way things are. I have been telling myself that if any couple could get through this and be stronger in the end it would be us. Now I'm starting to realize that we arent gonna get through this and thats painful. I believed that we would be able to rebuild our family but that isnt going to happen.

The pain of those realizations is terrible. I guess I am also realizing that my heart was wrong. I believed in my heart he would get better and would come back to us. This is heartbreaking to know that that just isnt the case.

cassandra2

LMN I am glad to see you posting.

I guess the reason why I decided to post this is because up until now I have been trying to believe that he will see. That takes to much out of me. And when it comes down to it its probably gonna be something that I would never dream would have affected him in such a way.

I still have hope that he will find recovery. Dont get me wrong but I have lost the expectation factor. When you expect someone to do something that YOU think they should do you are only setting yourself up for heartache IMHO. I would rather be surprised then disappointed.

So when I say that if nothing changes then nothing changes it really has two meanings. If I continue with the expectation of him seeing what I see I will continue to be hurt. If he keeps acting the way he is acting (addict behavior) then nothing has changed.

I keep expecting something to resonate with him and its not. So again losing the expectations is making ME better.

Alaia

Cassandra...I just finished reading a great book called Addict In The Family: Stories of Loss, Hope, and Recovery. by Beverly Conyers. You might find it helpful. A lot of what you are struggling with is explained in the book and made a lot of sense to me. You can order it on Amazon.com