Hey there
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Wales, United Kingdom
Posts: 7
Hey there
Hey 
I'm new to the forums, and I suppose technically not really in recovery yet, so here to try to get the strength to quit.
I have been smoking around a quater of an ounce of marijuana daily (often more) for a little over three years, and have also been using rediculous amounts of GHB on and off for the past two years. At one point I got to round-the-clock dosing, and had a week of DTs when I quit, yet I just can't seem to put the darn stuff down. I also put myself in a little coma-like-thing that lasted 3 days; I've blacked out and collapsed on countless occassions in classes at uni, on public transport, and in the middle of the house, as well as losing bank cards, my drivers licence and my iPod (rather a miracle that each and every one got returned to me by the people who found them!)
Needless to say, I didn't exactly afford any of this through honest means - I am a student and have no income whatsoever. Long story short, I've stolen huge amounts of drugs from my mother, as well as getting into debt and pulling various scams... not to mention flirting and doing some sexual things (though I've never had sex with someone for drugs) for pharmaceuticals. The problem is that this has all become tied in with taking drugs, and sometimes I find myself acquiring drugs even when I've decided not to take them... and then, seeing as how I put the effort in, can't stand to waste them.
I have experiences psychotic episodes since pre-puberty and although the GHB doesn't mess with my mental health too much, the marijuana (which I basically chain-smoke from AM to PM every day - I don't leave my bedroom let alone the house unless I absolutely have to) is really messing with me, and my docter is concerned that I may be developing full-blown schizophrenia. However, the local psych wards won't even meet with me until I'm clean.
When I can't get GHB or marijuana, I'll take anything else. I loved diphenhydramine, and went through a phase of taking 20 x 50mg sleeping pills a day, and codeine (extracted from painkillers) was a firm favourite for a few weeks. Any time I've ever tried to give up weed I've ended up drinking absolutely loads, and taking dirty drugs like coke, which reacts really, really badly with me. I can't help but binge - it's like every day is an attempt to take as much as humanly possible, and it's always been that way. The first time I ever tried weed I smoked 8 blunts in a row; the first time I tried ecstacy I dropped 20 pills in two days.
Giving up marijuana is deffinately proving rediculously hard, at least because the second I leave my bedroom I am surrounded by it (my whole family uses, as do all their friends), in university I'm taking two classes in drug policy, and it really is the only thing that keeps me sane. Literally as soon as I stop smoking I start seriously contemplating suicide, and I worry that it's not just a bit of a comedown, but could signal a return to how I felt before I started using drugs - I had a serious self-harm problem all through high-school, got into trouble for aggression, and attempted suicide several times through overdoses. When it gets like that, I can't tell which is worse, drugs and theft or feeling like not only I should die, but that I should take the rest of the world with me.
I'm currently still using daily. For months and months every night when I've gone to sleep I've prayed for God to change my heart; I've written lists of why I'm not going to use; made plans for the next day to keep me busy etc etc, but none of it works. I wake up; I immediately feel angry that I'm alive and having to go about 'living' all over again, and then before I know it I'm stealing and sparking up. And once I've done that, it seems pretty pointless resisting other drugs... so it begins again, another list for tomorrow, another set of plans I know I won't follow through on etc etc.
So now I've signed up on these boards, hoping that, in the same way going on various drug message boards and forums used to make me feel like using and give me new ways of doing so, this will make me feel like getting clean and maybe offer suggestions of how I can.
So I guess... I'll be seeing you around
I'm new to the forums, and I suppose technically not really in recovery yet, so here to try to get the strength to quit.
I have been smoking around a quater of an ounce of marijuana daily (often more) for a little over three years, and have also been using rediculous amounts of GHB on and off for the past two years. At one point I got to round-the-clock dosing, and had a week of DTs when I quit, yet I just can't seem to put the darn stuff down. I also put myself in a little coma-like-thing that lasted 3 days; I've blacked out and collapsed on countless occassions in classes at uni, on public transport, and in the middle of the house, as well as losing bank cards, my drivers licence and my iPod (rather a miracle that each and every one got returned to me by the people who found them!)
Needless to say, I didn't exactly afford any of this through honest means - I am a student and have no income whatsoever. Long story short, I've stolen huge amounts of drugs from my mother, as well as getting into debt and pulling various scams... not to mention flirting and doing some sexual things (though I've never had sex with someone for drugs) for pharmaceuticals. The problem is that this has all become tied in with taking drugs, and sometimes I find myself acquiring drugs even when I've decided not to take them... and then, seeing as how I put the effort in, can't stand to waste them.
I have experiences psychotic episodes since pre-puberty and although the GHB doesn't mess with my mental health too much, the marijuana (which I basically chain-smoke from AM to PM every day - I don't leave my bedroom let alone the house unless I absolutely have to) is really messing with me, and my docter is concerned that I may be developing full-blown schizophrenia. However, the local psych wards won't even meet with me until I'm clean.
When I can't get GHB or marijuana, I'll take anything else. I loved diphenhydramine, and went through a phase of taking 20 x 50mg sleeping pills a day, and codeine (extracted from painkillers) was a firm favourite for a few weeks. Any time I've ever tried to give up weed I've ended up drinking absolutely loads, and taking dirty drugs like coke, which reacts really, really badly with me. I can't help but binge - it's like every day is an attempt to take as much as humanly possible, and it's always been that way. The first time I ever tried weed I smoked 8 blunts in a row; the first time I tried ecstacy I dropped 20 pills in two days.
Giving up marijuana is deffinately proving rediculously hard, at least because the second I leave my bedroom I am surrounded by it (my whole family uses, as do all their friends), in university I'm taking two classes in drug policy, and it really is the only thing that keeps me sane. Literally as soon as I stop smoking I start seriously contemplating suicide, and I worry that it's not just a bit of a comedown, but could signal a return to how I felt before I started using drugs - I had a serious self-harm problem all through high-school, got into trouble for aggression, and attempted suicide several times through overdoses. When it gets like that, I can't tell which is worse, drugs and theft or feeling like not only I should die, but that I should take the rest of the world with me.
I'm currently still using daily. For months and months every night when I've gone to sleep I've prayed for God to change my heart; I've written lists of why I'm not going to use; made plans for the next day to keep me busy etc etc, but none of it works. I wake up; I immediately feel angry that I'm alive and having to go about 'living' all over again, and then before I know it I'm stealing and sparking up. And once I've done that, it seems pretty pointless resisting other drugs... so it begins again, another list for tomorrow, another set of plans I know I won't follow through on etc etc.
So now I've signed up on these boards, hoping that, in the same way going on various drug message boards and forums used to make me feel like using and give me new ways of doing so, this will make me feel like getting clean and maybe offer suggestions of how I can.
So I guess... I'll be seeing you around
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
Hi and Welcome,
I believe that using drugs/drinking is a symptom of problems in our lives. There are things that need to be dealt with. Stopping using drugs can be done. I wonder if you've ever tried therapy. If you are student, it's possible that your university could help with that. It takes a lot of work to live a sober life, but you can do it!
I believe that using drugs/drinking is a symptom of problems in our lives. There are things that need to be dealt with. Stopping using drugs can be done. I wonder if you've ever tried therapy. If you are student, it's possible that your university could help with that. It takes a lot of work to live a sober life, but you can do it!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Welcome to SR and I hope you definitely consider getting medical attention to help you detox. Considering suicide every time you stop smoking is not something to play around with. I am glad you joined SR and I hope you take gentle care of yourself. You can do it and you deserve it. The deserving part is the thing we have trouble with, but you DO deserve a clean and healthy life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Wales, United Kingdom
Posts: 7
Thank you for all the replies
To Anna, I have tried seeking therapy, but it's never worked out - I didn't get along with the short-term councellor by doc reffered me to (which began with me noticing from the waiting room that his door was paper thin and I could hear everything the other patients were saying, and ended with him refusing to help me with my addictions because, in his own words, "It's not exactly heroin, is it?" ). I don't really feel comfortable with the one's at uni just because they have very stringent policy's about going and telling someone else if you say certain things... I just feel on edge whenever I'm with them.
The doc has put me on anti-depressants,initially because I was apparently 'problematically aggressive' but they have helped regulate my mood a bit too, I think. Like I said though, it does seem to be a pretty standard state of mind for me when I'm sober - angry at myself, angry at the world, don't really see much point in either existing. I might take your advice and go to them for help with the withdrawals from GHB though, Horselover.
KSplash, I do... some of the time. When I've got drugs, I'm planning to quit, when I don't have drugs, I can't remember why on earth I wanted to quit, and for all the times I read over my lists, none of it seems to matter
To Anna, I have tried seeking therapy, but it's never worked out - I didn't get along with the short-term councellor by doc reffered me to (which began with me noticing from the waiting room that his door was paper thin and I could hear everything the other patients were saying, and ended with him refusing to help me with my addictions because, in his own words, "It's not exactly heroin, is it?" ). I don't really feel comfortable with the one's at uni just because they have very stringent policy's about going and telling someone else if you say certain things... I just feel on edge whenever I'm with them.
The doc has put me on anti-depressants,initially because I was apparently 'problematically aggressive' but they have helped regulate my mood a bit too, I think. Like I said though, it does seem to be a pretty standard state of mind for me when I'm sober - angry at myself, angry at the world, don't really see much point in either existing. I might take your advice and go to them for help with the withdrawals from GHB though, Horselover.
KSplash, I do... some of the time. When I've got drugs, I'm planning to quit, when I don't have drugs, I can't remember why on earth I wanted to quit, and for all the times I read over my lists, none of it seems to matter
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Originally Posted by TimeToBreathe 
Thank you for all the replies
To Anna, I have tried seeking therapy, but it's never worked out - I didn't get along with the short-term councellor by doc reffered me to (which began with me noticing from the waiting room that his door was paper thin and I could hear everything the other patients were saying, and ended with him refusing to help me with my addictions because, in his own words, "It's not exactly heroin, is it?" ).
To Anna, I have tried seeking therapy, but it's never worked out - I didn't get along with the short-term councellor by doc reffered me to (which began with me noticing from the waiting room that his door was paper thin and I could hear everything the other patients were saying, and ended with him refusing to help me with my addictions because, in his own words, "It's not exactly heroin, is it?" ).
Wow...it never ceases to amaze me what some so-called "professionals" will say to people who need help.
Please find a different therapist. Tell you doctor what was said to you by this particular therapist (unless your doctor is an idiot, too). I don't know how your medical system works, but can you do your own serching for a therapist and sign up for an appointment? Ask around. Please don't let one bad experience prevent you from getting help. Find someone who will take you seriously. Big hugs. :ghug3
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
I do understand about the therapists.
I tried two therapists and they truly didn't have a clue.
But, I know sometimes people get lucky and find someone who works well with them.
I tried two therapists and they truly didn't have a clue.
But, I know sometimes people get lucky and find someone who works well with them.
Hollyce Jones
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: The Golden State of California
Posts: 77
Wow, what an intense place to be in. I'm glad you're here. Today is my first day @ SR, and my second day without alcohol. I REALLY WANT TO BE DONE WITH THE SUBSTANCE! But it's going to be hard. And I'll have to make new friends. And so will you.
Many people have said to me, "Take it one day at a time."
I like that. Thinking moment to moment, and only one day at a time eases a lot of the anxiety I feel about future situations where I might be tempted, and give in... ultimately betraying myself.
So, welcome, and good luck!
Hollyce
Today is my first day @ SR, and my second day without alcohol. I REALLY WANT TO BE DONE WITH THE SUBSTANCE! But it's going to be hard. And I'll have to make new friends. And so will you.Many people have said to me, "Take it one day at a time."
I like that. Thinking moment to moment, and only one day at a time eases a lot of the anxiety I feel about future situations where I might be tempted, and give in... ultimately betraying myself.
So, welcome, and good luck!
Hollyce
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
When I've got drugs, I'm planning to quit, when I don't have drugs, I can't remember why on earth I wanted to quit, and for all the times I read over my lists, none of it seems to matter
those "lists" never did me any good. one time i wrote some of my list and someone on this website told me to "stop listing your good reasons for not using, because that is not working....focus on what you can do to stay clean" I was taken aback a little at first, but then I let go of that and saw the truth in his/her words.
so time to breathe....rhetorical question if you like
What can you do to get 1 day clean? .... today .... just for today ... what can you do?
or
Is it possible that you can stay clean today? is there a possibility that that could happen?
whatever you do....you are an awsome person and you WILL recover. I know you can and that you will.....keep up the good work
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Wales, United Kingdom
Posts: 7
Thanks Bamboozle, I have considered seeking out a private therapist, but have zero cash at the moment. However, when my student loan comes through in January I might try to set some aside (if I can afford it).
BTW, I like your sig, "What I do isn't what I want for myself. I am not my job."
Taking it one day at a time is a good idea - I just wish my brain didn't re-set over night. I swear, for all the progress I make one evening, the second I wake up it's like starting all over... except further back
Cheers for the suggestion ksplash... my head is doing that stupid thing where all I can think of is reasons why I'll fail, but I'll keep thinking over it
Once again, thanks for all the replies
BTW, I like your sig, "What I do isn't what I want for myself. I am not my job."
Taking it one day at a time is a good idea - I just wish my brain didn't re-set over night. I swear, for all the progress I make one evening, the second I wake up it's like starting all over... except further back
Cheers for the suggestion ksplash... my head is doing that stupid thing where all I can think of is reasons why I'll fail, but I'll keep thinking over it
Once again, thanks for all the replies
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