cessy68

Boy do I feel like an idiot already- I don't know much about "posting" etc. so I tried posting something- and accidently posted it on the "new to recovery" site- I hope I didn't make people who are trying to quit angry. Because when I was writing- I put in there what I wanted to ask people in this section. I will try and be brief. I have lived with my addict boyfriend for three years. At first I thought he just "partied" too much. Then I found out cocaine was involved. Now- the past year- I know that he is useing oxycodone. I have done everything I can to support/help him. I am in therapy myself- learning how to cope. He will not go to meetings- says he will then dosen't.
He cant come off these pills without HUGE withdrawls. He (upon my suggestion) asked me to call our doctor to see if he could help. will he follow up with the doctor and make the appointment?? I doubt it. Its like beating my head against a brick wall. I can't detatch. I have educated myself about the process- but I just can't. I keep waiting for the man I used to love to show up- it isn't happening- and I don't think it ever will. He said to me the other night- giving up coke and alcohol is "easy" he only needs help with quitting the pills - that he knows the PILLS are a problem?? Jezzzzz- are you kidding?? how can he believe that the pills are an issue- but the other stuff? eah no biggie>> its just complete craziness. I love this man, but I can't stay around being "detached" doing my own thing.... I would just rather live alone with my kids. to pretend the pink elephant in the room isn't there - just dosen't work for me. He dosen't steal from me, he is not abusive to me, he is just plain ol selfish, inconsiderate, and the CONSTANT partying ALWAYS comes before me and my children. I do not wish to PRETEND its not happening anymore. Do I sound selfish? I hope not, I am just exhausted emotionally- trying to help. And now trying to DETATCH. I have broken up with him before (my home) and when he leaves its a matter of days before we "talk" _ I "believe" and then we both pretend untill he comes home high as a kite and I loose it. ..... same merry-go-round. I know I'm at fault for accepting his behavior- and I'm sad for that. I didn't see how deep he was in- untill my heart was way to invested. I just need some help/support/ any words of wisdom, on how I can walk away and not go back on the merrygo round. Also, I need to know If others understand that I can't see myself staying and trying to "be there for him, yet remain detatched" I just cant do it- no matter how much I love- I feel it would be better to just move on, grieve the loss and get better for myself. It hurts terribly. and I will miss him, but I ALREADY miss the man I love, I just stay holding on to the slight glimpses i still see of him.
Sorry to be long-winded....
Thankyou for listening.
Cess

cassandra2

Welcome to SR. You will find what you need here believe me...

I too tried to detach while living with my exabf and it lasted 2 days and asked him to leave. That was the hardest thing I had to do in my life. Now almost two months later he is in rehab and WORSE then he was when he was here.

The glimpses I would get of him were few and far between. He is addicted to percs and oxy's. At some point I believe he started doing crack. Just MHO never had proof but all the signs were there.

If you stay you have to be prepared to ride the most horrifying roller coaster ride you will ever get on. I personally couldnt stand the lies. Especially about things he didnt need to lie about. I couldnt stand the change in personality. His mood swings. His isolation. When living with an active addict you are living their life. You cant do that. You cant live anyone else's life but your own.

I thought rehab was the answer for him but like I said he has been in rehab for a week now and he is more angry then I have EVER seen him be. I truly love the person he used to be. What was hard was seperating the two. He no longer is the wonderful family man he used to be. He truly loves us but he loves his drugs more.

I can say this too cocaine is a mentally addicting drug. Pills are both physical and mentally addicting. They suffer terrible withdrawals from the pills which forces them to continue to use. At some point the pills no longer make them high they continue to use just to feel "normal". You are no longer dealing with a rational human being. Addicts will push their mother under a bus to get their drugs. Would they do that if they were addicts?

Keep posting. Read all you can. Find a way to keep living for you and your kids. He is on the path to self destruction and if your walking with him that is where you will end up too. This is not easy. At no point will any decision you make be "easy".

You came to the right place.

cassandra2

Oh and by the way its not selfish to want better for yourself and your kids. That is NORMAL. Try not to let him make you feel you are wrong for the way you feel. Its called manipulation. Very common.....

cessy68

thank you so much, for responding to me. I am actually @ work right now, and when I read your reply- my eyes welled up. Simply because It feels like you KNOW exactly where I am right now. The lies ARE terrible. He told me last night -(while he was drinking ) that at times he was up to 20 oxys A DAY! He said he's tappering off now, untill he sees the doctor. I don't believe a WORD that comes out of his mouth anymore. I know what you mean- about lieing about even the littlest thing. And every issue is MY FAULT. It is devestating to me.... but I am TRYING- with everything in me to know that my situation is not some SPECIAL situation that will miraculously get better and that we will live happily ever after....
I do believe he had a shot at sobriety with the coke and alcohol-
however, you are right- the pills are nasty nasty nasy evil drugs. He has tried to quit twice- he can't. The rage, depression, the pain, its not tolerable....
I'm very sad.
Thank you for being there for me. I'm glad I joined.
Cess

cassandra2

There are a few stickies on the front of the forum. They will provide clarity for you. What addicts do. Why you are no different then any one of us that posts here with loved ones addicted to drugs. Its hard and very painful to go through and noone understands like the people that are dealing with it everyday.

Ya my ex was always tapering off to. And then he would hand me his pill bottle and there would be 50 pills missing and he got the script 3 days earlier. He is in rehab as we speak and his docs office called yesterday returning his call about his refill. So you know what I called them back. The doc they started him on a tapering schedule about 2 months ago and he called and said he was in alot of pain and needed MORE. Hello???? Are you serious!!!! I told them the truth. I even gave them the number for the rehab center so they could verify he was in the suboxone treatment.

He is still lying. Not only to me but to himself and if you read enough here you will see that as long as they are in that mode NOTHING ELSE MATTERS... NO but but mine is different. No but but mine would never steal from me. They do. Things will only get WORSE. I can promise you that.....Take care keep posting...We are here for you....

cassandra2

Another thing. YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER BELIEVE ANYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS!!!

We call it quacking.....It doesnt make sense, its probably a lie and not only that but it (9times out of 10) is meant to hurt you. When I first kicked my ex out he used to say how GREAT his life was now that he was on his own. Then reality hit and it wasnt so great. weeks ago he told me how he had to borrow money from his grandmother to get a place. That was a lie. He sold his pills. LIES LIES LIES....That is all they can do......

cessy68

your not kidding..... lies are the only thing I see, never mind hear. The anger is good for me.... it keeps me from feeling "bad" for him.
In addition- I HATE how he denys how much money he spends on this stuff- our bills are seperate... so I can't see his cash flow - I don't care anymore frankly.
Let me say this, the biggest issue I feel impacts my life, is the amount of emotional drainage i've delt with. Just can't do it anymore.
Thank you, more than I can express for your quick, knowledgable, and empathetic replys.
Take care - If you need to vent to me....
I would gladly listen.
Cess

bluejay6

I'm so glad you're here, Cessy. When I read that you have children, I thought, "Thank God, their mom is here and maybe their lives now won't be destroyed by an addict."

Addictive disease is addictive disease, no matter the substance. He can switch drugs but it won't change what he has and what he is.

Please keep talking to people in recovery. They will help you not be pulled under into his darkness, with your children.

Take good care, Cessy. You are on your way! And what happens to him is between him and God. And that story will unfold as it it meant to.

cassandra2

Everyone here has been where you are. My heart goes out to you. I know all to well the pain you are going through. But you are reaching out and that is a good sign. Now you have an outlet somewhere to go for answers. People who will give it to you straight and not try to sugar coat the realities of being involved with a drug addict. At some point it will get easier. Heck just the fact that I am sitting here saying all of this to you is proof that I am getting better. I have had to let go of a person that I love so very much and that has been painful no doubt. But what is more painful is to see people in the exact same spot I was in and knowing where they are headed.

Alaia

I have been in a similar situation. I understand what you are going through. You can't help him, he has to help himself. He has to want help and want to stop. Actions speak louder than words. I am glad you found SR. This place is great! It has helped me so much.

cessy68

Thank you all- I will keep posting and reading, I find it helpful. My children are wonderful, and so is my ex-husband, thank goodness they have a great relationship with both of us, and don't look to him to be a "daddy" figure in their lives.
They are all older now and are healthy, happy, loving kids.
I just KNOW that they are aware of my sadness, even though they don't know why I'm miserable in my relationship.
I don't want them to see that in me....I want to grow them by example.
As I said, its a good thing they are so close to both me and my ex.

winnie12

I got such a visual with the merry go round:

You get onto the Merry Go Round with your whole family. It is great fun for a while going around on the horses. But after an hour you start to feel nauseous and your kids are starting to cry. Your husband says its fine we’ll just stay on for a little while longer. You decide to try because you came together and you want to leave together. But you feel worse and your kids really getting sick. At some point you can’t take it any longer and you take yourself and the kids off while your husband stays on going round and round. You can tell that he is sick too but he reassures you that he is fine and will only stay on a little longer. He says he will just move to another horse and it won’t be so bad – he begs you all to get back on with him or just wait because he will be done soon. The longer he stays on the sicker he gets but he refuses to admit that it is having any effect on him. At some point you realize that you can stand on the side and scream and beg for him to get off or you can leave him there to go around alone and hope that at some point he gets off himself and catches up to you.

Neverwanted

Cess - you are taking care of you - and you have to because no one else will.

I like this quote: I was floating on a peaceful sea when I was rescued by a sinking ship.


Cess? Abandon ship and make sure you are okay to prevent being sunk...when you are okay maybe you can step in an go to nar a non and get some fellowship and guidance.


HUGS