lostagain82

Hi everyone
I've been looking at the forums for a couple of weeks, from the point of view of an "adult child of an alcoholic". I've always thought I could never become an addict, I didn't have an "addictive personality" or thought that if I was going to 'become' one- I would have done it by now! (I'm only 27!!)

While I don't think i can call myself (at this stage) an alcoholic or addict (whether this is denial or a comparison to my father who was/is drunk 24/7?) I do think i have a problem with alcohol and drugs. Recently, I've been drinking pretty much every night, sometimes only 1 or 2, often a lot. I've been taking ecstasy every few weeks and ketamine too. Seems to be getting worse, in the last week::
i've got drunk, i'd say,4 nights and i've secretly crushed up ecstasy to snort to give me a "lift" and to keep me awake when i've been going out for a drink with friends.... one of these nights took some ketamine to try and knock me out when i went to bed and ended up throwing up everywhere. Missed work with a hangover/comedown 1 day... been crying and despairing a lot, not wanting to get out of bed ...

I do a live in job the middle of nowhere and only have a few people to hang out with, who i also live and work with. Stupidly I've gotten partially involved with a guy who works here and is like every guy i've been involved with/attracted to - angry, emotionally unavailable, immature, drinks too much etc etc... his mother is an alcoholic... i'm being a complete idiot and would have walked away a long time ago but i'm not strong enough to stay away from him .. he's always here! I feel like I'm suffocating and I'm going to leave. This will help. But that doesn't change the fact that without distractions of being in a city and around loads of friends etc I see how ****** up i really am...

A couple of years ago I used to regularly go without drinking for a month or so and i can't imagine having the willpower now. i feel weak. i need to sort this out before i f**k up my life, get physically addicted to something or end up in a relationship with an alcoholic. Need to deal with all my issues with my dad. I've done lots of reading and have plenty of knowledge, but how can you get it to sink in, maybe fundamentally i don't want to recover, or don't think i'm worth it???

Reading other peoples posts give me hope, thanks for sharing, im glad i found this place

tommyk

Confusion reigns in the minds of many at times.

Keep coming back.

IO Storm

Welcome to SR lostagain!!!!!

I am so glad you found us. It is good you have been reading.

Something else you might do, if you haven't already..is to google the effects

of combining ecstasy, ketamine with alcohol. I can't give advice on this.

It doesn't sound good.

And please visit the Alcohol and Sustance Abuse Forums for support as well.

And yes..you are worth it.

You are cherished here.. :ghug3:

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I was a child of two alcoholic parents. I didn't drink and never dreamed I could become an alcoholic. In my mid-forties, I turned to alcohol, to self-medicate chronic pain, insomnia and depression, and two teen-agers!). I was shocked to find that I became an instant alcoholic. When I looked back, I realized that I had so many signs of potential problems. I was a control-freak, a perfectionist, easily angered and often depressed.

There is hope that you can change your life, so keep reading and posting.

least

I drank alone every day and night. Hated myself enough to consider suicide. Now I"m sober 19 weeks and my life is more managable. My kids trust me again and I'm living a relatively stable life.

I couldn't imagine myself sober for this long. I began to think I was hopeless. But with the help of SR and some AA meetings (especially my home group) I am a recovering alcoholic and not a practicing one.

Come back often, read and post your thoughts or questions. We are all fighting our own demons so we have a good understanding of the addictive personality and the addict's life. We're glad you found us!

:ghug

Dee74

welcome lostagain82

I'm glad you found us too - whether you're an alcoholic or not, it sounds like your life is getting pretty complicated. Drinking regularly - especially to excess and/or alone - and hanging out with bad influences is always pretty much a sign that things are not right in our lives.

My advice is to deal with the alcohol issue now before it gets bigger. I'm an old fogey so I don't know much about taking ketamine and ecstasy with alcohol but I can't imagine that's a good thing either

I think you'll find some advice and lots of support here.
Keep reading and posting!

D

dionysianstupor

I can relate to your confusion, and having mixed feelings about recovering. I often romance the bottle and have romantic notions about chaos/emotional pain/self-destructive behaviors (I'm an artist and a writer, and I know that this whole "myth of the tortured artist" doesn't have to perpetuated more than it already has been in our culture, but there is still something compelling about it to me...What I'm trying to do now is to explore the same ideas in my work, but without actually torturing myself.) I often think that I don't really want to recover, but maybe that's because I haven't fully internalized the consequences of my drinking and the problems that I have with people, places and things. After a bad night last night (I drank), I now realize that drinking was actually just the last straw for me...I was already a compulsive overeater and love addict prior to my first drink...The way I relate to men has caused me a lot of emotional problems (or rather, my emotional problems has caused me issues with men), and after hitting my emotional bottom last night/this morning, I realize that I actually need to keep this in check as well, not just the drinking. So it's not just about the alcohol, but the "ism" (which bleeds into other areas of my life). I still have mixed feelings about identifying as an alcoholic actually, because it seems like my other compulsive behaviors are worse.