Nikki2003

No really. Totally and completely. I am divorcing him. He has beat on me and my kids the last time, stolen from us the last time, left us destitute the last time, lied to us the last time. THough I think he is having a hard time getting it through his head.

I tried, for a year, through having a baby, through more beatings, through "treatment" through even more beatings, through more lieing. He even moved us away from family and friends and I lost my kids because of him though I made excuses for him. always made excuses for him. Nope. No more.

Guess where he is? In Jail. Why for assualting me a second time. THen he breached once. So he got 7 days in jail. Did he learn? No he breached 3 more times and had a bail hearing yesterday. I find out about it today or monday or something like that. And he has another court appearance on the 22of December.

He is so screwed up. And he has screwed up our family with me enabling him along the way. Well I stopped completely 3 months ago. He was thrown out in August by police. No money and now I don't even accept phone calls without calling the cops since there is a no contact order in place. And guess what. His whole entire family is doing the same thing. No one is giving him any money. No one is bailing him out. No one is helping him with his bills or drugs or so on. Most of the family won't even talk to him after what he has done to me and the kids.

I m so proud of myself. I have not been to an alon meeting yet. Don't know if I can fit it into my schedule. With onlygetting disability I am trying to sell Avon to try and make up the difference in the debt load and save to move and get a divorce. Plus I am seeing two counslors. One just for domestic violence. Plus going to a group therapy for women at a safe house for women of domestic violence. Plus I am working hard at getting my kids back.

So I am doing it. No I did it. He just needs to get it throught his head.

Nikki

kevgoud

I understand your pain, the only difference is mine was a wife, and I had so much resentment it enabled me to use that pain of revenge, anger and resentment to allow me to eventually go back out and start all over again, "active using"! Finally my sponsor had to suggest that I finally go and see her in jail a captive audience shall we say, I told her the things that she did that she didnt remember or choose to forget, I told her about my pain, my suffering, my anger and finally I told her how much I loved her and how hurt that love was. I did it for me not for her I had to find closure, and the funny thing is once that was done I was able to communicate with her, she wrote me and I wrote her, now dont get it wrong we are not ever going to be a WE again but I have grown enough in recovery to recover from her abuses, its made me a better person.

So my advise to you is to forgive him, accept him for his defects, and try to be a friend to him, I know the pain is fresh, but imagine being in jail with no one to even send you a letter, do it for you not him do it for the love you once had, do it for your recovery it will make you feel a lot better. Just be his friend you dont have to give your address, phone number etc. but you can send a letter (not a letter telliing him what a piece of garbage he was) just a letter telling him what he should do for himself like "Inmate Rehab" Anger mgmt, parenting, AA, NA.

Take it from one who knows from experience it will help you in your recovery and along the way you might save a life that is locked up and put away.

Kevin

krhea75

Wow, you have given him a lot, and I have to disagree with Kevin. there might be a time down the road to forgive, but right now it is too fresh. I think you are doing all you can do. You are on your road to recovery. Focus on your mental and physical health. There will be a time down the road for the hard work of forgiveness, but right now it could lead to becoming entangled again.

Walk away, walk far away. You have a life to build, and you are doing all you can do . I am proud of you.
krhea

Nikki2003

Umm I think your situtation was totally different from mine. I never used. My husband did. And we all suffered because of it. Now there is a year long no contact order in place. Meaning I can not contact him in any way except through his probation officer and vice versa. I like it that way. I feel safe that way. THis man(if I can call him that) assualted me regularaly. I will not be put in another position where he can agian. Can I forgive him? In time. He is the father of my beautiful children. But I can do that without ever seeing him agian.

THanks for the advice though. It is duely noted and very much appreciated.

Nikki2003

THank you krhea That is my plan.
Nikki

Alaia

Nikki, good for you! You should be proud of yourself. Sometimes it takes a lot to be that strong to walk away.

grateful2b

Nikki, I remember your posts..and I am so glad you are safe...congratulation on choosing life for you and your family...I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been...you should so be proud...hugs and prayers for you and your children, for your reunion, and the good life ahead of you...I admire your strength and tenacity....Grateful

cassandra2

Congrats on doing what you did. That is so amazing that finally enough is enough. I was abused in my first marriage and I cant tell you how liberating it was to be finally gone from that horror. I disagree with Kevin also. There is only so much abuse you can take. Maybe if it was a drug problem and he didnt abuse you you could forgive him now but with the abuse its just not possible. My ex did horrific things to me that to this day I am unwillingly to openly talk about.

I know how great that no contact is!! Use it to your advantage. I have a 5 year no contact with my ex and he has never tried to breach it. I have seen him here and there but because he is not a real man I no longer fear him. He would never approach me in a public place and try to scare me. He knows I would dial 911 so fast he head would spin.
Leaving him has given you a sense of power over your own life because for so long we were powerless to the abuse....

Get into some counseling for you and your kids. I know when I left I thought that the problem was solved me and my kids were safe but what I didnt realize was the lingering effects it had on my oldest child. Today she is struggling with the memory of the abuse. So if not for you at least for your kids. One day you will look back on this like I do. Its a distant memory and I am so thankful I do not have to live in fear for me or my kids....