update on my hearthache
turning red!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: hong kong
Posts: 254
update on my hearthache
Dear friends,
It's been a while because i feel there was not much new stuff to say: Rain is in rehab, we go visit him once a month and, meanwhile, our daugther is growing.
Mia is truely perfect and fortunately she is here.
I know i've already said how much i'm frustrated with the all situation, with the fact that Rain doesn't give news while in rehab, besides the odd telephone (i didn't get any since 3 weeks) and i feel like i'm single, but without the advantages
I just don't understand why he doesn't fight more for his family. I think he takes us for granted. Our last visit was great and i know he still has lots of feelings but -as i said-he takes me for granted.
But i'm a woman and i have needs...and lately i find myself having wandering eyes, i'm still young (almost ahah) and i have guys that i know will be so happy to take care of me.
It's been nearly 6 months he's in rehab and it's just so long, especially with no contacts in between our monthly visits. How does he expect me to just stay put? At least if we could communicate daily or almost daily then i'll feel like we are a couple, but now i don't know what i feel but i know i won't be able to stay in that "waiting mode" for long.
arggggggg :'(
Of course at the end of the day, what i want is not to have a new relationship but to be with Rain and be a family. But 6 more months like that???No thank you! I'll see him next WE so we'll see how it goes and if he will manage to go our for Xmas. If not then...hum......
Thanks for listening.
Carine
It's been a while because i feel there was not much new stuff to say: Rain is in rehab, we go visit him once a month and, meanwhile, our daugther is growing.
Mia is truely perfect and fortunately she is here.
I know i've already said how much i'm frustrated with the all situation, with the fact that Rain doesn't give news while in rehab, besides the odd telephone (i didn't get any since 3 weeks) and i feel like i'm single, but without the advantages
I just don't understand why he doesn't fight more for his family. I think he takes us for granted. Our last visit was great and i know he still has lots of feelings but -as i said-he takes me for granted.But i'm a woman and i have needs...and lately i find myself having wandering eyes, i'm still young (almost ahah) and i have guys that i know will be so happy to take care of me.
It's been nearly 6 months he's in rehab and it's just so long, especially with no contacts in between our monthly visits. How does he expect me to just stay put? At least if we could communicate daily or almost daily then i'll feel like we are a couple, but now i don't know what i feel but i know i won't be able to stay in that "waiting mode" for long.
arggggggg :'(
Of course at the end of the day, what i want is not to have a new relationship but to be with Rain and be a family. But 6 more months like that???No thank you! I'll see him next WE so we'll see how it goes and if he will manage to go our for Xmas. If not then...hum......
Thanks for listening.
Carine
Fulldresser4
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Mid-Michigan
Posts: 531
Rain....I was just thinking of you and your daughter yesterday and wondering how you are, and here you are! The two of you are just absolutely beautiful!!! I am an alcoholic, so I have no advice or experience for your situation, but know that you are in my prayers.
(((Hugs)))
(((Hugs)))
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Hey there, Funky. I'm sorry you are feeling frustrated and blue. I agree that it is understandable given your circumstances and I appreciate that you honestly express your thoughts. I think sometimes we can deny thoughts because we don't feel they are "right" Talking them out here helps me often to at least wrap my arms around the feeling and then I can move forward at step or two.
The next 6 months will be a further leg of your journey and only you can determine where that journey leads. Just know that my thoughts are with you and I know you have what it takes to do whatever is right for you and Mia. She is precious and I love the pic. Rain will have to work out his stuff himself and I hope that he is truly focusing on that now. Sometimes I think the difference between how the sexes think and process can make it more of a struggle. Perhaps there is a reason in his head that he doesn't communicate in between - maybe it just makes him miss you both too much? Not making excuses for him, just a thought. One of my biggest challenges is not to project my way of thinnking onto my loved ones and then have expectations. Hugs
The next 6 months will be a further leg of your journey and only you can determine where that journey leads. Just know that my thoughts are with you and I know you have what it takes to do whatever is right for you and Mia. She is precious and I love the pic. Rain will have to work out his stuff himself and I hope that he is truly focusing on that now. Sometimes I think the difference between how the sexes think and process can make it more of a struggle. Perhaps there is a reason in his head that he doesn't communicate in between - maybe it just makes him miss you both too much? Not making excuses for him, just a thought. One of my biggest challenges is not to project my way of thinnking onto my loved ones and then have expectations. Hugs
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Hey Funkster,
I can only imagine how frustrating this is for you.
One thing my program teaches is there is a difference between hopelessness and helplessness (taught to me by Catspajamas.) You might not see anything good in this right now, besides Mia, but that doesn't leave you helpless.
I know for me I've had to decide what is good for me and take action sometimes ... what am I willing to tolerate, what am I not will to accept ... things like that. Only you know the answer to those questions. And I think it's perfectly healthy to think about them ... think about them for yourself and what you want for your life.
I'm not recommending anything either way. Just thoughts for you to consider because recovery is about US. And I know it's not that easy because we are in recovery ourselves because we are connected to someone else with the addiction problem. But at the end of the day, I have to decide what is best for me and what I want for my life.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
I can only imagine how frustrating this is for you.
One thing my program teaches is there is a difference between hopelessness and helplessness (taught to me by Catspajamas.) You might not see anything good in this right now, besides Mia, but that doesn't leave you helpless.
I know for me I've had to decide what is good for me and take action sometimes ... what am I willing to tolerate, what am I not will to accept ... things like that. Only you know the answer to those questions. And I think it's perfectly healthy to think about them ... think about them for yourself and what you want for your life.
I'm not recommending anything either way. Just thoughts for you to consider because recovery is about US. And I know it's not that easy because we are in recovery ourselves because we are connected to someone else with the addiction problem. But at the end of the day, I have to decide what is best for me and what I want for my life.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Beautiful pic - thanks for sharing the update.
Your frustration is so understandable... It sounds like you're feeling very disconnected. Intimacy, which is what I hear is missing for you - is Caring, Sharing and Connecting. I hope that Rain figures out that he doesn't need to see you to keep the intimacy going between you two.
Hugs - and wishing you lots of Caring, Sharing and Connecting...
Your frustration is so understandable... It sounds like you're feeling very disconnected. Intimacy, which is what I hear is missing for you - is Caring, Sharing and Connecting. I hope that Rain figures out that he doesn't need to see you to keep the intimacy going between you two.
Hugs - and wishing you lots of Caring, Sharing and Connecting...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
A long time I had a conversation with one of my childhood guy friends about intimacy in relationships. I said some people, both men and women, are unable or unwilling to share intimacy. He threw me for a loop when he said "or not interested" and I've always remembered that.
Maybe a question for Rain is "are you able, willing, or interested in sharing intimacy with me, through letters and phone calls?"
It's a question that cuts to the chase and a person really has to want the answer, good or bad.
Maybe a question for Rain is "are you able, willing, or interested in sharing intimacy with me, through letters and phone calls?"
It's a question that cuts to the chase and a person really has to want the answer, good or bad.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I was thinking of you Funk, and wonder, especially since his rehab is court ordered, if to him its like jail, and he only goes from one visit to another with you and otherwise time stands still, its his way of coping.
Just do what you have to for you and Mia
Just do what you have to for you and Mia
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
(((Funk)))
I'm sorry for what your feeling and understand where you are coming from. You need to live for yourself and your daughter. I've been in a similiar situation as you... I remember when my son was 5 and 6 months old going to visit him at the facility he was in, and also remember how it was being by myself when Mike was a baby baby. No on can tell you what you should do, how to act, and what to feel. But Funk for myself and my situation I wish I never got back with him from when he was released from jail, or the Salvation army and rehab.
Funk, I feel like I have known you for quite some time and for a lot of things our situations were very similiar. Thats why I feel comfortable sharing how I feel about my own situation.
much hugs to you and your precious daughter!!!
Jewelz
I'm sorry for what your feeling and understand where you are coming from. You need to live for yourself and your daughter. I've been in a similiar situation as you... I remember when my son was 5 and 6 months old going to visit him at the facility he was in, and also remember how it was being by myself when Mike was a baby baby. No on can tell you what you should do, how to act, and what to feel. But Funk for myself and my situation I wish I never got back with him from when he was released from jail, or the Salvation army and rehab.
Funk, I feel like I have known you for quite some time and for a lot of things our situations were very similiar. Thats why I feel comfortable sharing how I feel about my own situation.
much hugs to you and your precious daughter!!!
Jewelz
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I wish I never got back with him from when he was released from jail, or the Salvation army and rehab.
We all went through this about the same times as what youve dealt with previously Funk.
rozied
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: PA, USA
Posts: 1,292
Dear Carine, As far as what you want & need from Rain & what you are willing to put up with........well thats up to you.
I really care about you & value our friendship. I only want you to be happy & whole & for you & your little one to have a wonderful life.
I am sure you will figure this out.
Love,
Diane
I really care about you & value our friendship. I only want you to be happy & whole & for you & your little one to have a wonderful life.
I am sure you will figure this out.
Love,
Diane
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: limbo
Posts: 2,849
Funky sorry I'm late on this post...............
OH wow is Mia BEAUTIFUL!!!! what a little angel you have. You are blessed shes precious
I'm sorry about Rain and all that your going through...........
HUGS and you will be in my thoughts
OH wow is Mia BEAUTIFUL!!!! what a little angel you have. You are blessed shes precious
I'm sorry about Rain and all that your going through...........
HUGS and you will be in my thoughts
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
No one can tell you what to do in this situation - it is such a personal choice and only one that you can make. I can share my experience in this when i was abandoned last year - you in your own way been also abandoned. Please do not think that in anyway i'm telling you what to do because my decision is not for everyone - only for me.
The thought of living alone and having no companionship really overwhelmed me and i felt i needed to go out. I'm 43 but still think i'm attractive and have never had problems getting men to take notice of me. I actually found that i havent lost it and even had a lot of younger men seeking my attentions. I did go to the next level with someone once and I regret it because i didnt feel good about it later - it wasnt me anymore. I slowly came into an understanding about myself. The fact that all my life i felt i wasnt complete if i didnt have a man in my life and the fact that i thought ... dare i say it ... i couldnt go without sex. I have let that control me and my decisions. All my life i have jumped into relationships because of this and all my life i have ended up in the same situations. So for me (and this is truly just ME not you) I discovered it may be good for me to live celebate for a while. I decided that for once in my life I was going to live without a man in it. Its been almost a year since i made this choice - its actually pretty easy now and i dont miss it. I do still think about it and i know that this is not a permanent lifestyle choice for me but instead a time of empowerment. I no longer feel i have to have male companionship to be complete - i am complete by myself. If/when i do decide to make that step I think i will be more careful in my decisions and will choose someone that is good for me and is stable in themselves. Being alone has given me self-confidence, respect, and a greater understanding of what i do want in a relationship.
Again - this is not for everyone but I have greatly benefited from this time alone so i just wanted to share my experience.
The thought of living alone and having no companionship really overwhelmed me and i felt i needed to go out. I'm 43 but still think i'm attractive and have never had problems getting men to take notice of me. I actually found that i havent lost it and even had a lot of younger men seeking my attentions. I did go to the next level with someone once and I regret it because i didnt feel good about it later - it wasnt me anymore. I slowly came into an understanding about myself. The fact that all my life i felt i wasnt complete if i didnt have a man in my life and the fact that i thought ... dare i say it ... i couldnt go without sex. I have let that control me and my decisions. All my life i have jumped into relationships because of this and all my life i have ended up in the same situations. So for me (and this is truly just ME not you) I discovered it may be good for me to live celebate for a while. I decided that for once in my life I was going to live without a man in it. Its been almost a year since i made this choice - its actually pretty easy now and i dont miss it. I do still think about it and i know that this is not a permanent lifestyle choice for me but instead a time of empowerment. I no longer feel i have to have male companionship to be complete - i am complete by myself. If/when i do decide to make that step I think i will be more careful in my decisions and will choose someone that is good for me and is stable in themselves. Being alone has given me self-confidence, respect, and a greater understanding of what i do want in a relationship.
Again - this is not for everyone but I have greatly benefited from this time alone so i just wanted to share my experience.
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