Why Am I Still Expecting Him to Call?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 92
Why Am I Still Expecting Him to Call?
I don't know if I ever shared my story since I started this Forum but......
I lived with my A for 16 years. He managed to hide the fact he had a problem for almost a year after we moved in together. I was shocked to discover I was with an A because I had avoided dating people with addictions all my life, as I had grown up in an A home. When I think back, there were lots of red flags that I chose to overlook as well as major chaos and drama from the beginning. But being a classic codependant, I welcomed the challenge to "help" yet another person find their way. I now realize it made me feel important and needed and guaranteed that he wouldn't leave me.
He wanted to get married within the first few months of knowing him, which I thought was too soon, especially because he had immigrated from another country and I wanted to make sure he wasn't using me for his own benefit. He eventually got his citizenship, but the idea of marriage no longer appealed to him. Another sign. He also wanted to have children right away, but I hesitated as I noticed the escalating drinking. I had promised myself as a child that I would never do what my parents had done to me by bringing children into such a dysfunctional system. Be careful what you wish for because I missed out on having children. As his disease progressed, he started to say things like children would be too much responsibility for him.
He never went out, he only drank at home but he had a routine. Work, cook a meal, watch a movie or work on the computer & drink just the right amount before he could eat (around 11 p.m.), then go to sleep. He resented any invitations we received to go out and so often I went alone and he would get angry if I suggested we do anything together as it would cut into his drinking time on his days off. I started to feel more like a roommate or a mother.
He was wonderful when he was sober, the meanest, vindictive person when he drank. He claimed he wouldn't remember what he had said to me the night before, but I could never forget the horrendous things that would come out of his mouth. I would take him by the hand and get him to A & D counsellors, which worked well for him, but he would never take the advice they would give him about attending meetings, etc. He went to treatment once for 4 weeks and he was sober for more than a year, but slowly started drinking again. He saw any attempt by me to help him as nagging.
His brother & wife lived in Texas and he would visit them often. They would always invite me and we got along well, but aside from going their twice, he would usually make sure to arrange things in such a way that I couldn't go with him as it would conflict with my work. He loved getting away where he could drink freely and not have me judging him. Often the brother would call me to check on him and ask if he was still drinking, but unfortunately he would give my partner hell and then he'd get angry with me because he knew we'd been talking and he'd cut me off from communications with his family.
His father is a serious A, who has even had a liver transplant and still continues to abuse it. He's almost died 6 times but somehow pulls through and continues to drink.
I tried everything known to mankind to help him, to change my behaviour - all the codependant things we often do, turning ourselves inside out trying to get him to change. I saw his potential and I wanted the best for him but I've come to realize it was more about controlling him so he wouldn't leave. Somehow I thought I could make him realize that the drinking was the only thing standing between us having a happy life together.
We separated several times but he would always ask to come back and I would let him. This last time, I guess I was getting so upset with not having a life with him and not being able to have the life I wanted that I kept asking him to leave, thinking he would move close by and we would continue to try and work things out. He surprised me and announced he was moving to Texas with his brother, who is very wealthy and can set him up in a business, with a new vehicle and a place to live. I guess his brother held out his hand to help him and he took it and replaced me as caretaker with his brother, is what happened. I just never expected him to go so far away, never mind to another country.
It's been over 5 months and for the first 7 weeks he called me every day, 3 times a day, just like he always had when he was away. Of course, each time, it was very obvious he had been drinking. I assumed from that he was missing me and wanted to work things out. I got a shock when he said that wasn't the case, he just didnt' want to be unkind as we'd been together so long. He said he'd be sending some money to help out with the expenses he left me with, and our cat & dog - food, vet bills, etc. but it never happened. In fact he stopped calling altogether for a month. Then he called one day and told me how happy he was that he had his work visa. I let him know it was inappropriate for him to be sharing how happy he was at starting a new life when I was still having to deal with all the fall-out from being left with bills, with having to move, with all the memories of him & I to deal with, having to deal with all the damage he did, while he went off to a new environment. I told him I hadn't suddenly become his best friend after 16 years. He got angry and said he should have known that I would try and "ruin" this happy day for him. I told him I was still missing him & loved him and he said he felt the same but then he started to get nasty and emphasized that he "liked" me and had only said the other because he didn't want to hurt my feelings.
I was enraged with his immature behaviour because I was the one that insisted we go apart in an amicable way and that there was no need to fight and be disrespectful. Afterall, it was the alcohol that drove us apart. I told him I hadn't wanted us to break up - it was the drinking and he said "I'm still drinking." He reminded me that I asked him to leave and this is what I wanted, now I have it. Then he said some quite disgusting remarks to me and basically told me he'd call me in a few days and never did.
So I'm feelng alot of guilt because I did not want him to leave; I wanted him to get well. In fact, he gave me a month's notice that he was going and so that last month was like a honeymoon. We did things together like we used to, we watched favorite movies, went to our secret places together..... laughed, cried, it was crazy. It was how it should have been all along. Then in that one phone call, he just demolished all the good communication we'd built up and in my opinion reduced our relationship to nothing.
He tried to call numerous times after that but I didn't pick up the phone and he didn't leave a message. I felt I deserved an apology and if he really had something important to say, he could have left a message, written an email or letter. I am just so afraid that if he talks to me, he'll say something even more hurtful that will have me in tears again and all the strength I've gained will be gone. This has been the most painful thing I've ever gone through and I don't want to go back to start the grieving all over again if he says something hurtful to me.
Anyway, I'm so sorry this post is as long as it is. Just needed to get this out. I'm wondering if anyone out there has any advice for me. Why is it I'm still half hoping he'll call, apologize and make this all go away? I just never thought he'd have the courage to follow through with leaving, much less going so far away. Do you think an A can just forget 16 years of a relationship like that? Can he just forget the life he had here, all our friends, the relationship with my family and especially the close relationship he had with my 9 year old niece who stayed with us every other weekend? She's devastated by the loss of her uncle and blames herself for him leaving. He couldn't even respond to a letter she sent him. Do you think there's any hope once they get sober/if they get sober of patching things up? I still have this illusion, I'm ashamed to say, that he'll realize what he's lost one day. Why am I going through all this pain, when it doesn't appear he's even looked back?
Thanks for listening.
I lived with my A for 16 years. He managed to hide the fact he had a problem for almost a year after we moved in together. I was shocked to discover I was with an A because I had avoided dating people with addictions all my life, as I had grown up in an A home. When I think back, there were lots of red flags that I chose to overlook as well as major chaos and drama from the beginning. But being a classic codependant, I welcomed the challenge to "help" yet another person find their way. I now realize it made me feel important and needed and guaranteed that he wouldn't leave me.
He wanted to get married within the first few months of knowing him, which I thought was too soon, especially because he had immigrated from another country and I wanted to make sure he wasn't using me for his own benefit. He eventually got his citizenship, but the idea of marriage no longer appealed to him. Another sign. He also wanted to have children right away, but I hesitated as I noticed the escalating drinking. I had promised myself as a child that I would never do what my parents had done to me by bringing children into such a dysfunctional system. Be careful what you wish for because I missed out on having children. As his disease progressed, he started to say things like children would be too much responsibility for him.
He never went out, he only drank at home but he had a routine. Work, cook a meal, watch a movie or work on the computer & drink just the right amount before he could eat (around 11 p.m.), then go to sleep. He resented any invitations we received to go out and so often I went alone and he would get angry if I suggested we do anything together as it would cut into his drinking time on his days off. I started to feel more like a roommate or a mother.
He was wonderful when he was sober, the meanest, vindictive person when he drank. He claimed he wouldn't remember what he had said to me the night before, but I could never forget the horrendous things that would come out of his mouth. I would take him by the hand and get him to A & D counsellors, which worked well for him, but he would never take the advice they would give him about attending meetings, etc. He went to treatment once for 4 weeks and he was sober for more than a year, but slowly started drinking again. He saw any attempt by me to help him as nagging.
His brother & wife lived in Texas and he would visit them often. They would always invite me and we got along well, but aside from going their twice, he would usually make sure to arrange things in such a way that I couldn't go with him as it would conflict with my work. He loved getting away where he could drink freely and not have me judging him. Often the brother would call me to check on him and ask if he was still drinking, but unfortunately he would give my partner hell and then he'd get angry with me because he knew we'd been talking and he'd cut me off from communications with his family.
His father is a serious A, who has even had a liver transplant and still continues to abuse it. He's almost died 6 times but somehow pulls through and continues to drink.
I tried everything known to mankind to help him, to change my behaviour - all the codependant things we often do, turning ourselves inside out trying to get him to change. I saw his potential and I wanted the best for him but I've come to realize it was more about controlling him so he wouldn't leave. Somehow I thought I could make him realize that the drinking was the only thing standing between us having a happy life together.
We separated several times but he would always ask to come back and I would let him. This last time, I guess I was getting so upset with not having a life with him and not being able to have the life I wanted that I kept asking him to leave, thinking he would move close by and we would continue to try and work things out. He surprised me and announced he was moving to Texas with his brother, who is very wealthy and can set him up in a business, with a new vehicle and a place to live. I guess his brother held out his hand to help him and he took it and replaced me as caretaker with his brother, is what happened. I just never expected him to go so far away, never mind to another country.
It's been over 5 months and for the first 7 weeks he called me every day, 3 times a day, just like he always had when he was away. Of course, each time, it was very obvious he had been drinking. I assumed from that he was missing me and wanted to work things out. I got a shock when he said that wasn't the case, he just didnt' want to be unkind as we'd been together so long. He said he'd be sending some money to help out with the expenses he left me with, and our cat & dog - food, vet bills, etc. but it never happened. In fact he stopped calling altogether for a month. Then he called one day and told me how happy he was that he had his work visa. I let him know it was inappropriate for him to be sharing how happy he was at starting a new life when I was still having to deal with all the fall-out from being left with bills, with having to move, with all the memories of him & I to deal with, having to deal with all the damage he did, while he went off to a new environment. I told him I hadn't suddenly become his best friend after 16 years. He got angry and said he should have known that I would try and "ruin" this happy day for him. I told him I was still missing him & loved him and he said he felt the same but then he started to get nasty and emphasized that he "liked" me and had only said the other because he didn't want to hurt my feelings.
I was enraged with his immature behaviour because I was the one that insisted we go apart in an amicable way and that there was no need to fight and be disrespectful. Afterall, it was the alcohol that drove us apart. I told him I hadn't wanted us to break up - it was the drinking and he said "I'm still drinking." He reminded me that I asked him to leave and this is what I wanted, now I have it. Then he said some quite disgusting remarks to me and basically told me he'd call me in a few days and never did.
So I'm feelng alot of guilt because I did not want him to leave; I wanted him to get well. In fact, he gave me a month's notice that he was going and so that last month was like a honeymoon. We did things together like we used to, we watched favorite movies, went to our secret places together..... laughed, cried, it was crazy. It was how it should have been all along. Then in that one phone call, he just demolished all the good communication we'd built up and in my opinion reduced our relationship to nothing.
He tried to call numerous times after that but I didn't pick up the phone and he didn't leave a message. I felt I deserved an apology and if he really had something important to say, he could have left a message, written an email or letter. I am just so afraid that if he talks to me, he'll say something even more hurtful that will have me in tears again and all the strength I've gained will be gone. This has been the most painful thing I've ever gone through and I don't want to go back to start the grieving all over again if he says something hurtful to me.
Anyway, I'm so sorry this post is as long as it is. Just needed to get this out. I'm wondering if anyone out there has any advice for me. Why is it I'm still half hoping he'll call, apologize and make this all go away? I just never thought he'd have the courage to follow through with leaving, much less going so far away. Do you think an A can just forget 16 years of a relationship like that? Can he just forget the life he had here, all our friends, the relationship with my family and especially the close relationship he had with my 9 year old niece who stayed with us every other weekend? She's devastated by the loss of her uncle and blames herself for him leaving. He couldn't even respond to a letter she sent him. Do you think there's any hope once they get sober/if they get sober of patching things up? I still have this illusion, I'm ashamed to say, that he'll realize what he's lost one day. Why am I going through all this pain, when it doesn't appear he's even looked back?
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by prairiegirl 
Do you think an A can just forget 16 years of a relationship like that?
(((((prairiegirl))))) My heart goes out to you for the pain you are going through. It does get better. Al Anon and therapy have helped me enormously.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 92
Thanks for the reminders! I've been pulling out everything I can - Alanon, counselling, self-help books, friends who will listen, accupuncture, massage....you name it.
It's so true that his not making contact is probably a sure sign that nothing much has changed.
It's so true that his not making contact is probably a sure sign that nothing much has changed.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
I think the folks here are asking "what has changed with you"?
We don't "care" about what he's doing per se, what can you do to take care of yourself?
the statement indicates that that's exactly the case but maybe not in the way you think it does.
/hugs
We don't "care" about what he's doing per se, what can you do to take care of yourself?
the statement
"It's so true that his not making contact is probably a sure sign that nothing much has changed."
/hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Prairiegirl, you had a lot of little tendrils of yourself wound up in your relationship with him - you were an "item" for a long time, and it might take a bit more time to work through this pain.
I like the idea of massage!!
One thing that my counselor told me was that part of our withdrawal symptoms from a relationship is that we are no longer getting very much physical touch, and that creates a kind of a mess in our biochemical world. ANY kind of touch - facials, massage, chair massage, reflexology, anything like that helps to get us back on track....at least it did for me. (I went to the local massage school to get a discounted rate 
)
Hang in there. Nothing has changed in his world. If he were back, he would be abusing you just as badly as he did before. And the fact that he's moved on is a reflection on HIS CHARACTER, not on your value.
Hugs
GL
:ghug3
I like the idea of massage!!
One thing that my counselor told me was that part of our withdrawal symptoms from a relationship is that we are no longer getting very much physical touch, and that creates a kind of a mess in our biochemical world. ANY kind of touch - facials, massage, chair massage, reflexology, anything like that helps to get us back on track....at least it did for me. (I went to the local massage school to get a discounted rate )Hang in there. Nothing has changed in his world. If he were back, he would be abusing you just as badly as he did before. And the fact that he's moved on is a reflection on HIS CHARACTER, not on your value.
Hugs
GL
:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 92
Thanks for all of your comments. I just get stuck in the thinking that, even though I instigated the change, he ran with it and created this new, wonderful life. I tell myself this story of how he's probably in a new relationship, that he'll change for her even though he wouldn't for me, because she has something I don't, blah, blah, blah. I fell like he's got this new life and I'm the one who got abandoned is feeling the loss and maybe I should have just kept quiet. At least I'd still have a partner and wouldn't be alone. I keep forgetting and thinking that maybe it wasn't as bad as what I think it was. People tell me I'm so strong for doing what I did, while they stay stuck in their dysfunctional relationships. It's easy for them to say. Don't throw daggers - just telling you what my crazy mind thinks.
Last edited by prairiegirl; 11-21-2008 at 01:04 PM. Reason: spelling
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
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I just get stuck in the thinking that, even though I instigated the change, he ran with it and created this new, wonderful life. I tell myself this story of how he's probably in a new relationship, that he'll change for her even though he wouldn't for me, because she has something I don't, blah, blah, blah. I fell like he's got this new life and I'm the one who got abandoned is feeling the loss and maybe I should have just kept quiet. At least I'd still have a partner and wouldn't be alone
As was said above in several different ways.....nothing changes when nothing changes!
IMHO you may think he has this "Wonderful new life" but in all honesty it is only temporary as he is still drinking and will do anything he can to keep doing so. This is not
a reflection on you!
Why I'am still expecting him to call?
I went to Al-Anon for the A's in my life and I stayed for me! I thought I could change the world and everything and everyone in it! BOY was I wrong! I had to change me and my life, my pattern and choices! Please consider going to a meeting-take a bubble bath...pull out pen and paper and jot down what is going on in the crazy mind of yours!
Hang in there and know that this will pass.....Keep posting!
Please check out the stickies at the top of this forum too! They are filled with a wealth of information!
Formerly known as soconfused11
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
I just get stuck in the thinking that, even though I instigated the change, he ran with it and created this new, wonderful life. I tell myself this story of how he's probably in a new relationship, that he'll change for her even though he wouldn't for me, because she has something I don't, blah, blah, blah. I fell like he's got this new life and I'm the one who got abandoned is feeling the loss and maybe I should have just kept quiet. At least I'd still have a partner and wouldn't be alone. I keep forgetting and thinking that maybe it wasn't as bad as what I think it was. People tell me I'm so strong for doing what I did, while they stay stuck in their dysfunctional relationships.
I totally understand how you feel. My xabf hasn't called in two weeks the longest he has ever went without contacting me. He started seeing a woman 2 days after I kicked him out. I said the exact same thing to my friend today...I should have never kicked him out, now I am alone, and she has him through the holidays, I should have just detached, I should have done this and that....I also struggle with the illusion that he now has this great happy life, and I am left to pick up the pieces. BUT,
While she may have him through the holidays, she also has the other drama/abuse that goes along with his drinking. He is not going to change for her, he can only change for himself, and he has to want it and he doesn't. He doesn't want change and that is why he just went to find someone else. It's easier for them.
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