Theodora8

Hey everyone,

It's been awhile since I finally broke up with my RAB. It was tough but I finally managed to see the light six months ago with SoberRecovery and moved on with my life. We both agreed to continue to be friends and he ended up moving a couple hours away, which definitely helped with the healing process for me.

As much as I didn't want to be his friend on Facebook, I eventually gave in, accepted him as a friend and was able to see what he had been up to. It was really hard to see how he had easily moved on with his life while I was still coping. We kept in touch for a couple months before he started acting differently and I stopped hearing from him for awhile. Eventually, he sent me a horrible email in response to mine that was just asking how he was doing. I was just angry and never responded back. Yesterday, I get a notification someone had tagged him in photos, which I opened up and was surprised by. Well, he's with a new girl, he's drunk in the photos (we all know when our man is drunk), and there are a couple of pictures where he's holding a beer.

Now, it's been awhile since I've had to deal with all this stuff and I just need some confirmation because I'm not sure which route to go. He's only been sober since March and I know he shouldn't be dating or obviously drinking. As a friend, I am concerned he's going to ruin everything around him again. Do I email him that I am concerned and he can call if he wants to talk about some of the stress in his life? Or do I just look the other way and hope for the best? I don't want to walk down the codependancy road again but I'm not sure if this counts.

The more I type, the more I realize I might know the answer but I would still love to hear your opinion.

Thanks

prodigal

He's not sober now. You say you know he shouldn't be drinking or dating. That's his business. It's not on your side of the street. I can certainly understand your concern for friend, but let it end at that. If he wants to discuss his stress in his life, he can contact you, assuming he knows your email address and phone number.

Contact him, and invite the codependency waltz right back into your life. He's gotten on with his life. He may be trashing his life. His decision. His right.

He may decide to contact you; then again, he may not. And, YES, contacting him IS a walk down the codie road to chaos and mayhem. Believe me. I've been there.

Reminder

Hi Theodora8:

Can you explain for me what the payoff is here for you?

If I burned my hand on the stove, I wouldn't go back and burn it again. Unless, of course, that is my comfort zone and that is what I believe I deserve in life.

Friends don't abuse friends. Why are you taking somebody as a friend who has abused you and continues to abuse you and himself?

You sure like playing around the stove, don't you?

bookwyrm

Hi Theodora,

Sounds like you're focussing on him rather than you! :codiepolice

I think you know this though, don't you? It sounds as if you do in your post. Trust your own instincts and let go. Don't respond! I found that trying to talk to an active alcoholic is just wasted time. Please don't invite the chaos back into your life. Maybe you should consider going no contact for your own peace of mind?

ToughChoices

When I have similar thoughts/questions, it is a sign of my codependent thinking reemerging.

It is a sign that I am, once again, under the mistaken impression that I have the power or duty or love to turn someone's life around, to prevent his or her "ruin."

I do not.

Thinking that I do is destructive to me, whether the person I am trying to save is my lover, my best friend, my mother, or my child. When I pour my energy into changing a life that does NOT want to be changed (and he doesn't sound like someone who wants to change), I am stealing that precious energy away from myself. I am focusing on the problems in another person's life instead of the problems in my own.

I'm not sure what good would come of making the call.


Take care and keep posting!
-TC

tommyk

What is a 'RAB'....?

Freedom1990

recovering alcoholic boyfriend

Only obviously he's no longer recovering, eh?

DII

His business. Don't feel bad.....it's a natural reaction but keep in mind that he KNOWS he's drinking.....really he does. He's choosing to do that when he knows he shouldn't. You will not be telling him anything new or be changing his behavior.

Stubborn1

I'm lost. He's an ex........he's with a girl.......he's an alcoholic......you're calling him a boyfriend......but he has another girlfriend.......he's recovering..........he's holding a beer......he's abusing you verbally.........you are friends.
Here's a simple idea....
Delete him off of facebook and forget about him. He's an ex. He's an alcoholic and with someone else. Move on. Find peace.

tommyk

RAB, cool.

TYVMFT.

IRHNIWIM.

LOL, I love the abbreviations we're all supposed to know here.

(Curious.... does anyone refer to their 'RAG'...???? )

GiveLove

Hi theodora,

Yeah, I get the feeling you already know the best way to stay sane

What he does is none of your business, I'm sorry (or happy?) to say.

If looking at the pictures is triggering codependent thoughts and is making you take steps backward in your recovery, then I'd definitely take him off your Facebook.

You may think that you're being a friend by calling him out on his drinking, but truthfully, doesn't he already know your feelings on the matter? If he were instead a female friend who lived two hours away, and you'd already told her how you feel about stuff, would you be so upset or itching to contact her and straighten her out?

Hugs to you - I know this is hard.

GL

Theodora8

Thanks again, everyone. Yeah, I realized after I typed it that I was wasting too much time on him AGAIN. Yes, I really care about him but I can't deal with any of that crap again and I was feeling it all coming out again once I started typing. Wow. I forgot that we all are recovering too.

I HAD moved on and have dated several great guys since but I guess all those feelings came back when I saw those photos. I just need to keep telling myself I deserve a lot more and hope he figures himself out one day. So, don't worry, I'm not contacting him. Deleting him is going to be tougher (a lot of symbolism with that action) but everyone is right and I need to.

Thanks so much for the enlightenment