copperpenny

After consoling my 8 yr old adopted daughter (husband's biological grandaughter) for the umteenth time about her addict mother, I find myself reduced to tears. She is now blaming "forgetting her homework" every day for a week on "mommy". She is in advanced classes, but this is from her regular teacher. This has happened off and on for a few months now. The "mommy" card. She loves us but she misses mommy. She receives counseling but does not bring this up to her counselor. We were in touch with mommy when she was in jail in Sept. and October. Mommy chose not to ask for rehab and was released on community control. We made the mistake of letting Savannah write and receive letters from mommy. In hindsight it was a bad idea. We have never tried to exclude mommy, just that she needs to do the next right thing and she didn't do it. No idea where mommy is now since Oct. 14th release.

I am just feeling very sad and I know I am the adult here but it gets to me once and awhile. We feel like she is playing us at times. We get even more angry at mommy and we know that does no good. I hate this d**n disease and I hate what it has done to the lives of these children. Drugs are the downfall of society, I believe that. Our social system cannot support all the children of drug users, there are too many of them. We have never been able to and we never will, no matter who is president. I hate drugs and what these drugs have caused, I am so mad I could spit and much than that. I hate this disease!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

imallright

I am sorry you are in so much pain. Drugs are awful and you are right about how much pain they cause to our beautiful, innocent children. Hug that little one and remember how much she loves you. Thank goodness she has you to love her. All the best.

bugsworth

I hate this disease too! I don't think I have ever responded to a thread on the F&F but I felt compelled to now. I was your adopted daughter...a foster child...mother and father addicted...abandonment and fear are huge...especially at 8....she is a child...a baby really...maybe try to see things from her perspective...fear and sadness invades her soul.

LynziDee

I'm sorry you are going through this. I am also equally sorry for you 8 year old daughter. This disease is so terrible when children are involved. I hope you can help her the best way you know how. I will be praying for you and your family. and I HATE this disease as well!!

Fluxion

Can you talk to her counselor about this specific problem? Playing the"Bad Parent" card can turn into an ugly, destructive habit.

When I was in second grade, the school nurse pulled me out of line in the hallway, as we were all entering the building. ( we we're all scared of her cause we knew she had a night job as a beautician at the local mortuary lol, plus I thought she might give me a shot...)

Anyhoo...She took me into her office and asked me, "who helps you get ready for school in the morning"?

I knew that the truth was not the *right* answer, so I said "my mom, or my sisters do". She replied," I don't think anyone helps you get ready, you have food on your face, your hair is all tangled and your clothes are not clean"...

She then stood me in front of a mirror and said, "Look at what a pretty girl you are! You are old enough, you can get yourself ready for school. You can wash your own face and brush your own hair. You can try to wear clean cloths and brush your teeth"... I told her I didn't have a tooth brush (lol!), and she said, "you can wet a wash cloth, and put a little salt on it, and use that to wash your teeth then."
This woman was not going to let me off the hook about taking care of my own needs, regardless of my circumstances.. I owe her a debt of gratitude for that. I never have used my childhood problems as an excuse to cop a plea.

I have seen what happens to kids who are allowed to use difficult circumstances, as an excuse not to do what they know they should. They grow up blaming everyone for everything. I think you are right to be concerned.
Fluxion

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marle

I work with children. We have a girl in our class who's dad is an addict. He is still in her life and you can see the damage his addiction is causing her on a daily basis. Since my daughter is an addict, I try to tell this child the things that I have learned such as it is not your fault. Your dad is sick, etc. She talks to me about her problems and is seeing a school counselor but it still makes me sad to think of how much she is affected. She is young. She is innocent. I am sorry for what your daughter is going through. Sending prayers your way. Hugs, Marle

Troubledone

Does the 8 year old watch TV, play with friends and other normal 8 year old stuff? If not, then maybe the "mommy card" is real. If she does, then maybe it's a way to avoid responsibility.

I do think if she doesn't bring it up to the counselor you should - she is, after all, a child. My sister has her grandchildren (has custody, addicted daughter) in counseling and the first 10 minutes of the session she is filling in the counselor before the children see her. Getting the issues on the table is the only way to deal with them.

Good luck - prayers ...

Serenity Bound

Copper....I can relate in so many ways.....and I feel your pain. It is so wrong for these poor little ones. I have a 6yr old & 9 mo old granddau.....and it just breaks my heart to know their Mother is so caught up in drugs that the drugs mean more to her than they do.

I do agree with the Troubledone, you need to make sure that the counselor is aware of the problem.

Hugs & Prayers coming your way.
Chris

hello-kitty

I'm so glad she is in counseling but how about a family session where you can bring up your issues with her irresponsible behavior and discuss solutions openly. Maybe you could ask her counselor to recommend someone...

Learning to accept responsibility & consequences for your actions happens at a young age. If she's already bailing on it now, it'll be really tough for her as an adult (I am thinking of typical addict behavior here - not accepting responsibility).

copperpenny

Thanks to everyone for your suggestions and comments. We will talk to her counselor although must say we have not been as impressed with him as counselors she has had in the past. Also will talk to PhD at school who she likes very much.

Yes she has alot friends and activities, she has been with us off and on her whole life, full-time for 2.5 yrs, adopted last Jan. after her mom lost her rights. I always expected her thinking would change as she matures and it is. We have to be ready at every turn.

I am rambling so I will close and send an update as this progresses. And I gave her xtra hugs from all of you too. Judy

Alaia

I HATE this disease as well. My ex-abf has a 9yr old son. Mom and Dad are both addicted to Heroin. They both relapse all the time and sometimes still get high together. They have been using most of his life. I treated him as if he was my own. When we had him on the weekends I would always make plans to do something fun with him (movies, museums, kid stuff) and he actually told his Mom he liked being at my house better. Of course he did, because I actually spent time with him instead of sitting him in front of the tv or video games. I feel horrible now because I know that he gets no attention. Mom dosen't care that he is over-weight and should be going to therapy because he needs to talk to someone. Mom had a new baby with new bf and still uses off and on and abuses suboxone when she can't get high. Its' such a sad situation when kids are involved. This disease makes them so selfish they just don't give a F**K about anyone except themselves.

It's a tough situation your in, but thank god you are in this little girls life. She has hope, while others are stuck in situations they don't deserve. Good luck. Prayers for you. :praying

winnie12

Counseling really helped my daughter. My husband abandoned us and son is an addict so she has a double whammy. I know that genetics and upbringing will make her prone to either being an addict or a codie at some time in her life so we talk alot about detaching from someone else's problems and the effects that drugs and alcohol have on a life. Right now i see that she is more prone to codie tendancies then drug addiction even though i see the two as very close in nature. I have tried to reinforce that she needs other adults to talk to even if its to talk about problems she has with me. I also have been working on her to be more verbal about what she wants in life and how to express her anger and sadness in positive ways but never hold it in. I let her teachers know what was going on so that they had better tools to work with her in class - that helped more than you can know. She sees her school counselor regularly and also has started alateen meetings. I have found with my daughter that the key to her is finding people and places that she can express herself without any fear of reprucussions - that means it needs to be with neutral people. She has been in family therapy and that was good to the extent that she was allowed to express her feelings to her brother. Other family members have also talked with her and let her know that they love her and reassured her that she has a family. Kids are very afraid of not having family so just knowing that there are grandparents, aunts, uncles around for her really helped to fill the gap of loss. My father explained it to her in this way, "love the person hate the sin." She really liked that and felt relieved that it was okay to still love these people who have hurt her so badly. Finally I strongly feel that children need a HP just as much as we do.