celestek

....Is so messed up in my life. And it's taken me so long to figure that out. I suppose because I've been living in denial for so long. But I grew up in a house where we all denied that anything was ever wrong. And we "protected" the one with the problem. Even when there were bruises and blood to prove the worst of it.

My father still denies that he is an alcoholic, and yet the signs are as plain as the nose on his face. Everything I say to him goes in one ear and out the other. Even when I ask him if he'll remember what I say to him later on.

I guess I got tired of the denial, because lately I've stopped trying to protect him from the world. And I've stopped trying to protect the world from him. But now I'm starting to realize that I'm very very VERY angry-- at him, at my mother for living with him and "trying to make everything right"(she finally is getting some help...and after 27 yrs of marriage is starting the divorce process), with myself for being so incredibly niave about things.

I'm trying to figure out how to deal with this all now. It's become a huge deal because I have my own child now, and I can see myself falling into the same patterns I grew up with. It makes me so angry that I do the things that I despised my parents doing to me.

Any suggestions on how to deal? Anyone else gone through something similar?

Morning Glory

Hi celestek,

Welcome to the forum.

There are a lot of us here who have gone through similar situtations. Recognizing it is the first step to changing it so you're on your way.

You might start here by reading the power posts on the top of the alanon and naranon board. There is a lot of helpful information there.

Allow yourself to feel your anger. It's really hard on us because even though we were victims we still have to own our own problems and deal with them. It's hard to get past the blame, which is justified, and move on to the solution. It's a process.

We feel anger and hurt and guilt and shame and get bounced around by all these emotions until we learn new tools to work with and a new way of looking at ourselves and our lives.

We are all still working on it and we welcome you to join us.

Hugs,
MG

journeygal

Hi Celestek,

I also wanted to welcome you to the boards. I'm also ACoA and I'm going through a lot of the same struggles. I haven't had my own kids yet b/c I've been terrified of also repeating the same patterns I was raised with. What's really frustrating is to know you're behaving and acting in the ways you observed growing up, but not knowing how to act differently. But as MG said, awareness is key, and once we start coming out of denial, we can start making changes.

I'm glad you found us and I hope you stick around.

Hugs,
JG

JT

Welcome!

I was angry about being niave too and I have realized that is not the case. It is what I was was raised with and all I knew. You cannot be angry with yourself...at least not for long.

You are wise for seeking help. Make yourself at home here, educate yourself and join us on our journey.

Hugs,
JT

celestek

Thanks so much for all your replies, and for your welcomes as well.

I feel like since I realized how angry I am inside, and how angry I've been for so long without having realized it, that I can't say anything nice. I feel like I'm going to offend people with my own anger. You know...like I shouldn't REALLY be feeling that way. I'm over reacting. I'm going to make a scene. People aren't going to like it. I'm not going to like it. I suppose part of it is fear of the unkown! Fear of not knowing really where this is all going, just wanting to be healthy. (Kind of ironic that my sig. is "Be not afraid") .

JG, my older brother feels the same way you do about having children. He's sworn never to have children though for fear of passing on what he thinks might be in his gene's. I understand COMPLETELY.

Anyways...thanks again for all your encouraging words.

JT

celeste,

When we first become aware of a problem our emotions are all over the map. That is perfectly normal. Allow yourself to feel your anger...maybe there is a healthier outlet for it that raging. Kickboxing??

Journaling helped me alot. When I began to keep a journal it was really ugly and angry. I have kept it so I can look back and see how far I have come. You can write your life story, you can touch only on the high points. You can write letters to the people you want to say things to and never mail them.

Make it something special you do for yourself...go to the book store and pick out a journal you love and maybe even a beautiful pen.

A program and a sponsor is also what I would suggest. It is difficult to arrive at conclusions by journally. Idea's come out but I have a need to bounce them off other people. You can do that here....we will always listen...but face to face is going to give you something we cannot.

Hugs,
JT

corvettte_angel

Welcome!

I hope that you find some of the support here that you need right now. Feel free to open up. You are almost certain to find someone who has already struggled with what you are going through. Don't worry, your feelings are normal, and they are easier dealt with when you share them.
I'll keep you in my prayers.
Love you tons!

--Ångel

Tiro

Denial is actually one of the four "rules" of an alcoholic family.

I have just been looking at how denial manifested itself in our family and the extent of it is astonishing.

Denial as well as the other three "rules" of silence,rigidity and isolation all existed to help protect our dysfunctional family system from outside interferance.

Denial existed in my father because he refused to admit he had a drinking and anger problem.

It existed in my mother by her refusal to admit her own codependency and that she was in fact even sicker than my father.

My own denial by pretending that my family was normal.Denial of my own feelings and emotions.

Denial was not even the most profound "rule" in our family.Silence was by far the most important of them all and it's effect is even today having an effect on my life.

I am hesitating as I type this because I know I am breaking the rule of silence and I am fighting back the feelings of guilt and shame.

I have to stop writing now because I can only do this a little at a time.

NoDoubt

Denial - what a word. That has been my entire life!

Growing up my family looked great from the outside. We hid things well. I can't tell you how many times I spilled out bottles down the sink (it made me feel better for the moment).

Today, I had an appointment. My father - an alcoholic who no longer drinks (but works in a liquor store and gets cases of wine for mom) picked up my 5 year old from camp (at 11:30). My appointment went longer than expected and I didn't get to their house until 1:00. Well, my mother is home sick - was awaiting test results - thought she had pneumonia. Anyway, my mother was making lunch for my dauther and drinking wine at the same time.

I was a little angry that she was drinking in the middle of the day (which of course I should expect, she does it all the time) while my daughter was there. But, I am greatful that they watched her for me and don't want to rock the boat - my dad was there and of course he wasn't drinking.

I get angry with myself for putting my children in that situation. They know (although her understanding is limited as she is 5) that their father has a problem with alcohol and cannot drink it (he is in recovery). They have asked if beer and wine are alcohol. Of course I told them yes.

I was raised in an alcoholic home and am so glad that my husband is in recovery and all is going well so that they may be spared (to some degree). My parents are wonderful, loving people and my girls love them.

I don't want my children living in denial. I tell them my 8 year old that she can talk about alcohol or ask us questions any time.

I'm trying!
NoDoubt

celestek

Denial and silence. They have been like rules in my life for as long as I can remember. It's difficult for me to talk about this stuff...I'm a single mom living with my child in my parents home. So I find myself emersed in this "stuff" 24/7 it seems. I'll be returning to work next week after having time off since my son was born...A part of me thinks "ok, he's been safe because I've been here with him"....and then another part of me just wants to ignore the fact that anything bad has ever gone on in my parents house. Kind of the sick "saving" him from the knowledge of what's gone on. But I find myself sickened by the thought of doing that at the same time. It's SO hard...but I keep telling myself "talk talk talk talk talk talk"!!!!!!! Get it out and things will be healthier.
You mentioned silence, rigidity, and isolation...Well, I've never talked to anyone about anything that has ever gone on in my family...partly because I have never had any friends really. My mom pretty much kept us isolated so we wouldn't let anyone know what was going on in our house. That's been for as long as I can remember, and I'm 24 now. It puts a damper on learning to trust people. I'm just now learning to trust myself. It's been very hard even accepting myself and my situation (an unwed mother). And rigid? Oh yes! I think that's what's made it most difficult. There are all these rules and regulations that I must abide by. Well now I feel like telling my parents to take their rules and keep them to themselves. I've failed miserably at abiding by any of them. I'm not saying I'm proud of it...but it's made it difficult to accept my faults and weaknesses as a human being. They make me feel like I'm still a child....is that normal? Somehow I don't think so....

Praying for you all,

Celeste

Tiro

The "rules" of an alcoholic family evolve as a way to try and bring some kind of stability to the chaotic situation of having an alcoholic in the family.

As a child I did what was expected of me and played my role well in helping to maintain the family system,but today I understand that it is important for me to learn to recognize the patterns of behaviours from my childhood that is affecting the way I relate to the world as an adult.

Of course I still feel a sense of shame for starting to break some of our family rules.But I know I should'nt.

Facing up to my past is a process of discovery about myself and about the ACoA syndrome that will ultimately lead to my recovery.

Of course we still feel like children and........... no it definately is not normal.

The dysfunctional system in an alcoholic family can stifle the emotional development of a child to the extent that when they go out into the world they have little or no social or survival skills.

Learning to talk about some of these things is a slow and sometimes painful process for me but I am determined to press on.I encourage myself by reminding myself that I have nothing to be ashamed of and that I am not here to try and blame anybody.

I am trying to recover so that I will learn to have better relationships with myself and others.

countrygirl

I am just getting to know Al-Anon and I am pretty sure I need to learn about this, too.

I thought my mother was nuts and mean. Only after she died my father started telling drinking stories about her. What! And then it started to make some sense. A lot of damage was done, of course. I was real messed up and I looked around at the messes I made and said to myself, why am I messing up so badly? Finally I figured some of it out and worked to heal. Even now, they are both gone, I feel like I am different than most people. Who knows. I haven't really figured it all out yet.

Things are not so bad now but it has taken a long time. I am still not over it.

Just a couple of thoughts -

"Family Loyalty" Our number one rule was Family Loyalty, you don't hang out your dirty laundry in public. It was the ultimate sin to tell any family business, to tell anyone that you were being beaten or cussed out or wished dead. They do that to a child but the child is the one who is bad if you told anyone your mother was doing it. And never a word of sorry or maybe it wasn't my fault for being such an disappointment.

I feel kind of worried and disloyal and "bad" to even say that about my mother even now, even though I know it is true and she is dead. I feel like I am doing her wrong ... I still try to justify it, she was mentally ill or something. But facts is facts, I was damaged and she did it.

And the other thing, about your own children. As an act of rebellion, I swore I would never be like my mother. And I wasn't. My children were loved and valued and I didn't know beans about it so I got books from the library to tell me how to be a good Mom. I was too nice to them, actually. Ha. But if you want to raise your children differently than you were raised, maybe you could use some of the anger to rebel, to be the opposite of what you saw growing up.

I know this is all jumbled, I am just getting to know this side of it.

I can't believe I didn't know she was drinking so much. So now I am rethinking things in that light.

countrygirl

Yup, guess I gotta work on sorting out the blame thing, too. When you are so hurt, it is hard not to hold the abuser to blame. But there were good things, too.

celestek

It's interesting, though, because my sister and my older brother...They would say things. They would talk back. They would defend themselves. They would say "that's not right". I realize I was like "the calm person", the "good daughter". I even remember my parents taking me out for ice-cream when the rest of the kids were at home screaming their heads off about it. "It's not fair!" ...and it wasn't. I was just doing what they were telling me to do. Being what they were telling me to be. I still find myself doing that sometimes....since I live with them still, it's easy! But I see it, and it makes me sad.
And all the "dirty laundry", well, it's still "denied", hidden, ignored, not talked about. But I realize that I CAN talk about it now, well, because now I REALIZE what's going on. When I was a kid, I learned not to talk about the "dirty laundry" because we were almost taken away from my parents. They drilled us in the fact that it was ten millons times more horrible to be away from them than to just make due with what we had. Part of my is paranoid that this could happen with my son. God only knows why! He's so loved and cared for. I probably smother him sometimes
I'm still trying to find where that middle ground is with regards to my son. I know if I go too far in the opposite direction, I could be just as sick as my parents are, just in a different way.

It's so odd...I'm starting to feel all "light" and "free" from these things. Even though I'm emmersed in it a lot, given my living situation, I feel much more detached as though I can look at it with out it affecting me as deeply. It's so....nice!

daffy

Hi Celestek, I am new too. I read alot of the threads and haven't really added alot of my story nervous or scared maybe, I don't know. I am 48 years old and only now beginning to understand why I am the way I am. I have kids too. Mine are older and out of the house now, but I can sure relate to your being scared about it. I found myself acting just like mom and dad and only as they got older sat down with them and apologized for the way that I acted. Just like alot of us we just didn't know. I feel like I have a home here and as soon as I get more comfortable about putting myself out there, I plan on getting alot of this worked on. You are not alone...and you really feel that here. Good luck to you. stompmom

JT

celestek,

The best gift you can give you son is to work through these issues and give him a healthy and happy mother. Keep in touch, do some reading and get to an Alanon meeting when you have the time.

Hugs,
JT