Still Waters

I'm new to this forum, but not to the ravages of alcoholism. I find myself living in an area that is pretty remote, and the nearest Al-Anon meeting is a 45 minute drive which is not doable for me at this time. So I'll be reading and learning from you all for now

Who am I? I'm the problem, the scapegoat, the cause and the fix all wrapped up in one package. Sound familiar?

After much deliberation and soul searching, I left my alcoholic husband early this month. I didn't discuss it with him, and I didn't warn him, we packed what our vehicle would hold and drove away. I don't recommend this particular method by the way, but it is what I needed to do for me and my daughter.

My husband is what is referred to as a dry drunk. So you see, I'm the cause of our problems according to him. I am whiny and useless, I am a horrible parent, I treat him like a non-entity, I teach our daughter to treat him like a non-person, I sabotage his sobriety, I don't offer a "good return" on his "investment". This is what the mental illness called "dry drunk" produces, and it is no longer possible for me to allow my child (and me) to remain in such an environment.

I deal with a lot of guilt. I feel guilty for no longer supplying support for his recovery, I feel horrible guilt for uprooting my daughter from her school and friends.

At the same time, while I worry about having no money and finding a job, I feel really really....good. The knot in my stomach is almost gone. No eggshells to walk on, no jaw dropping moments of amazement. I feel liberated. I can think again.

I still have some big issues to deal with, mostly financial, and because my situation didn't allow me to plan ahead for this move.

One day at a time.

That's me for now, thanks for listening

denny57

Welcome, Still Waters, glad you're here!

Yea, I was whiny and useless, too. Funny how all that changed when I was gone.

Still Waters

The unreality of their reality is interesting from a clinical viewpoint, not so interesting from mine.

I'm very thankful that I'm not him and that I can walk away.

Ago

I "walked away" maybe three months ago...ok...I jumped off the cliff and asked for help half way down three months ago, moved, no money, no job, couch surfed

I have a place to live, am making good money, and dove into my recovery and life is so full it makes me tear up in happiness frequently (direct result of immersing myself in recovery, hours a day here and meetings every night, 2 hours driving some nights, three hours on others) until after six months I was closer to meetings, got back in recovery nine months ago.

For me it got better when I asked for help and "did what they told me"

Still Waters

I want the face to face meetings, and as soon as I can afford gas I'll be going to them. If I still have a car LOL.

Truth be told, I don't know who to ask for help. I have two friends here, a married couple, and that's why I'm here. It's nice to know that if I need to work late or something that my daughter can take a different bus and stay with them until I get there.

My Mother is helping some financially right now, thank God for her. But I could use some mental support. I need to see what type of counseling might be available in the little clinic here.

prairiegirl

I didn't walk away but I asked him to do the walking 5 months ago. Thank God for good friends, counsellors, alanon/CODA meetings, self-help books like CoDependant No More, and now this Forum. It gets better once the craziness is gone but the guilt and grieving come in waves. So while I feel much better physically for not being in that environment, I go through periods of self-blame and guilt as well as missing the dream of what could have been. Just hang in there and get to some meetings once you can. If you can find a counsellor who understands addiction, it can be really helpful. We're all here for you. (I'm fairly new to this forum also.)

Still Waters

I asked him to leave also, but he refused. The "might have beens" are tough aren't they? But those are the same type things that kept me in a bad place, thinking "what may happen", bad or good. Maybe he'll get better. Maybe he'll finally "get it". He "might" mature in time, but he'll have to do it alone I'm afraid.

Thank you prairiegirl.

hbb

hi and welcome! Although i was not married or have children, i sympathize with you. My exabf was out of control with his drinking. I told him i wasn't the girl for him if he wanted to continue this path. He agreed to stop, go to AA and get a sponsor. Mine truly was a "dry drunk". He cheated on me with his exgf, had a baby and got married all within 9 months of our break up. I know he did me a favor but hard to brush away the feelings that now that he's gone that his life is wonderful and came together! I know it's probably not the case and my life is so much more calm and serene but I sometimes wonder!

Good for you for looking out for yourself and your daughters well being. Sometimes this is just who they are regardless of the drinking, mine was anyways! Glad you found us

Still Waters

Hi hbb, and thanks

bookwyrm

Hi and welcome! You will find a lot of people here who can share similar experiences and give you support - you're not alone in this!

Take the time to read the stickies at the top of the forum - they're under classic reading. Be warned - I cried my eyes out reading them!
I'd also recommend getting a copy of Melody Beattie's book 'Codepenadant No More' and the book 'Under the Influence'. Real eye openers and Melody's book in particular helped me with the practical aspects of recovering from living with my AH.

While I'm sorry for your situation and what you've been through, I'm glad you found this forum - it has been my lifesaver!

Spiritual Seeker

Welcome to the neighborhood Still Waters.
"Free at last, free at last God almighty free at last "
Liberation feels good.
What courage, strength, positivity and vision for a good life you have.
Wishing you all the best as you remember what joy is.
Keep coming back.