dsg30

This is my first post. Kinda sad since I just got married. I married an alcholic (which I knew going in). He is such a amazing person and I love him very much. I am not sure if he is a typical alcholic. Very rarely drinks- usually less then once a month....but when he does he can not stop. Since we have been married- which has only been two month....he has been drinking more (maybe once every two weeks). I can home today and he was drinking during the day which I have not seen before. I am so scared for him and feel like I made a huge mistake marrying him. When he drinks he is not mean or anything like that. I just hate seeing him like that....no idea what do to. Needed to vent since I am not ready to share with family and friends.

denny57

Welcome, dsg30, glad you're here!

Read the stickys and get acquainted with the site.

Alcoholics can often mask their drinking. My xAH "partied" a lot when I first started dating him, but it was when we were married and living together that I realized the extent of it. Looking back now I realize it was probably the reason for his fear of moving in together.

Keep posting!

Stubborn1

I realized mine had a problem around this time as well. All I can say is when you bring it up and try to stop him it only gets worse.
He will tell you he can stop or only drink a few beers, next thing you know you'll find beer cans and bottles hidden in the strangest places.
You'll argue, he'll make false promises, you'll believe him, things will be okay for a short while and you'll catch him again and it starts all over. This will go on for yearsssssss until you stop it.
You will be in the way of alcohol and it comes first. Nothing you can do or say will change his mind.........NOTHING.
Some people realize they are powerless and their alcoholic is no different then all the others and walk away, while others decide to stay around and pretend to be a God but it never works and the alcoholic still drinks.

Keep reading. The sobriety stories are far and few but they have usually been through one heck of a road to get there. None of them quit because their wife threatend divorce or got pg.

Al anon is a great place to start. Sorry about your marriage.

dsg30

Thanks for the words. I know this.....I guess I knew going in. However, we just got married....my parents spent a small fortune on the wedding. I feel stuck. How can I get a divorce 2 months in. I do love him more then anything...I guess I thought he might change after he became a husband.

Stubborn1

They don't change like that. They don't change because you have beautiful children, a nice house, great friends and family.
It's called an annulment. It's not your parents that have to live through hell. If you are worried about the money then take him to small claims court for not holding up his end of the bargin. If your parents don't understand then get them literature on alcoholic behavior and see if they really want their daughter living with that. It only gets worse.
You love him but he loves his alcohol more then anything, or anybody.
Keep reading the stories. You will find all alcoholics are the same. Yours is not special.
I think too many woman feel they are going to "live happily ever after" it's so not that way. You are in a very one sided relationship. Be careful if you are thinking about children. I can tell you from experience you do not want to bring any babies into that mess.
Since you are in the beginning things might not be so bad but they can get worse pretty quickly. Be careful

ICant

Mine showed me his worst when I was pregnant with our first child. I didn't get pregnant with the hopes of curing him. I was blind to his problem prior but during the pregnancy life go so dysfunctional I couldn't ignore it. Please heed these red flags while your self esteem is still high.

Barbara52

Do you think your parents want you to stay married to a man who you now see it was a mistake to marry? Whould they be more concerned about your happiness or the money that was spent?

You aren't stuck unless you allow yourself to be stuck. You have the right to recognize you made a msitake and correct that mistake.



He will change (if he changes) when he fully accepts his alcoholism and truly want to become sober. Life events like marriage unfortunately don't magically make someone change. There isn't a thing you can do to make him change. That has to come from within him.

dsg30

My parents will love me no matter what. I just feel like a failure and an idiot. I just had a huge wedding and thought we were about to start a family. The thought of an annulement makes me sick.
I really love him and he is so good to me....just not to himself.

freeflower

Listen, please don't run out and seek an annulment quite yet. The people on this site have been thru the ringer and it is with the best intentions that we want to protect the young and knew and basically innocent and uneducated on Alchoism and addiction. It is certinally your decision on what to do next and with some more reading and a serious talk with your parents, you can make a move as what to do next. In most cases they do start out loving you with all their heart but down the road, an A will put drinking above all else, even you and your future children so just think about it.

ps You are not a failure or an idiot, just a young girl with dreams

Barbara52

One of the things that kept my in my marriage was not wanting to look to the world like a failure. It took time to realize on a gut level that making a bad choice didn't make me a failure or an idiot. It made me human. And that other peoples' opinion, while something I listened to, didn't really matter. What I wanted and needed was the only important thing.

You don't have to do anything until you are ready to do so. From what you have said, there is no reason to rush into any decision. So take some time and figure out what you want to do. Do so reading and thinking and talking with those you trust. Examine your life as it is, not as you hoped it would be. Deal in reality not dreams. You will know when you have enough information to make a decision.

dsg30

Thank you all for listening. I guess I am just afraid of starting over. I am 30 and really want a baby. I know its selfish to bring someone in the world like this. I know if I do not become a mom I will resent him forever.

Stubborn1

I am still married to my recovering alcoholic. I am not jaded as one poster stated. It's not to protect the young. It's to protect the child or children. Once they are in the equation it's harder to get out. Being legally married to an alcoholic has it's own reprocussions. I have eight years of marriage. Six or seven which were living alone and raising three little one's alone. All because I wanted the family unit. All because he was a wonderful person sober.
Sure he's sober now and things are good but I would not go through that hell to get here for anything in the world. My children know too much about alcoholism, getting let down, being lied to, empty promises more then ANY child should ever have.
All I am saying is your alcoholic isn't any different than ours.
You do not need THIS particular man to become a mom. A child is not a commodity. If you knowingly have a child with an addict that's not saying too much about being a mother. I guess that's something you will just have to see yourself when you have a child with him.
Too many times I've cried because I picked THAT man to be their father. I realized he was an alcoholic after I was already pg. Then he gave me bs on how he was sobering up (he only got better at faking it) and I got pg with twins.
It happens very fast and if you do not know anything about alcoholism you are going to get side swiped really fast and really hard once you have a child.
Educate yourself and talk to other mothers who have children by alcoholics. If you want to love your child like you say you do then you at least owe him/her that much.