sunflowerintx

I told AH's work buddy on Saturday that we love and miss him and his work buddy passed on the message. It's the truth. I don't deny my love for him or that I miss having our life together, as dysfunctional as it was.

He called me and it was a wreck of a conversation. He insists that no matter how much he's tried, I'll never be happy with him. While that may be true (I don't know at this point), he has never been to rehab or sought recovery. I told AH that we've been doing things his way for 20 years and that I think rehab is worth a shot. I told him that I don't know why he drinks and that I can't help him but I'd be willing to go with him to ask for help and that all I can do is cheer him on.

He told me there I go....demanding things again. *sigh* I just want to "control" the situation. *sigh again* To me, this is setting a boundary but I don't want to set an ultimatum or threaten him....

At some point I told him that he has an amazing wife and two beautiful children and he's a dumbarse for not realizing that. Obviously we're just not worth it to him to do anything differently. He says he is willing to quit drinking but he is not going to rehab. We've been down that road before. It didn't work...he just ends up drinking again at some point.

He even had the audacity to say that his drinking doesn't affect me or the children. :wtf2

I was angry and I cry when I'm angry....and now I'm just sad. Acceptance has been a slow process but I'm getting it. It's hard to accept that beer means more to him than me, and our two beautiful children.

sunflowerintx

Posting again to add that I'm not going to stay sad....

I'm leaving work in 20 minutes and I'm going to make a wonderful dinner of beef ravioli in fabulous sauce, Italian green beans, and a salad.

After dinner and homework, the kids and I are going to watch Kung Fu Panda. I'm going to finish a book I'm reading and I'm going to go to bed by 10:30.

So, YES, I am taking care of me.

Mair

hugs to you sunflower. It seems to me that he is more or less telling you straight "I am not going to stop drinking for you or anyone else". He is an alcoholic and like all active alcoholics the drink comes first.

Acceptance is a slow process, keep reminding yourself why you are here, what brought you to SR. You and especially your daughters deserve much more, you have the power to change things for you and them use it. They will thank you for breaking the cycle.

Im glad that your planning on doing things for you and the kids, ravioli and kung fu panda sounds awesome!!

When i found myself missing my exab, i really had to fight memories of good days, and someone here told me to play the whole tape and sure enough the bad days out numbered the good, i took my rose tinted glasses off and and accepted that this relationship is not going to work.

these days when i think of xab i can think of the good, the bad and the ugly and they all belong in the same box, and i am forever grateful that i made healthy choices for me and my daughters.

Things will get better for you xx

Gill

Barbara52

Sorry you had such an uncomfortable conversation. I'm glad you are dealing it well though. You will get through this.

denny57

What did you hope would happen when you told his work buddy that?

Enjoy the dinner - sounds delicious!

sunflowerintx

Denny, I suppose I wanted him to know that his family hasn't given up on him. I still pray for a miracle but that doesn't mean I'm going back to living with him and active addiction. I don't care to live with a dry drunk again either.

denny57

Thanks for responding - I think it's great to let someone know I care about them. But what about you? Those exchanges wore me down.

Have you thought about ending the conversation if it starts to make a turn for the worse? I think the odds are good he knows he has an amazing wife and children; I also think you are all worth more to him than you might think.

Unfortunately that isn't always enough to get someone to stop drinking.

((( )))

prairiegirl

I'm sorry to hear you had such a difficult conversation. It makes me think of all the times I had similar conversations with my XAH, trying to remind him or convince him of how lucky he was to have me and family and friends who loved him and remind him of his potential and how great life could be if only he stoped drinking. But always the bottle came first. He ultimately chose the bottle over me as well. Only difference is that we didn't have children, which is a deep regret of mine, because I kept holding off until he got sober which never happened. I used to think if we had children together it might be different and he used to say if we did, he'd definitely get his act together and not continue to drink. But from the stories all of you have shared, I can see that the sad truth is even having a beautiful family and children who love their father, is not enough to make the A stop drinking. The bottle is more powerful than anything. You have all helped me to understand that it's just an illusion I have that having children would have changed the outcome.

Keep looking after yourself; it will get easier.

blessed4x

Ummm....maybe I should have come to your house for dinner

I didn't see this thread earlier, but you and I have a lot of the same thoughts and feelings going on. I get the same waves of sadness, and am getting quicker to recover from them. I think it's all part of the normal grieving process. You're doing great.....getting through this with children is really a mixed blessing. They keep us distracted, but have also been in the wake of the pain left behind.

LaTeeDa

I heard the same thing many times. At some point I realized that there was some truth to it. I wanted him to stop drinking and he didn't want to stop. So all those "talks" really were attempts to control.

I caused myself much suffering with those thoughts, too. He knows. But equating your worth with his decision to drink only hurts you. One thing has nothing to do with the other. He's not doing it to you, he's just doing it.

Yep, I heard that one quite a few times, too. Alcoholism is a very selfish disease. I have never heard of an alcoholic who realizes just how much he hurts other people until he finds recovery. You will not convince him, denial is too powerful. The only thing you can do is what you are doing--protect yourself.

As I said above, one thing has nothing to do with the other. I hope you can accept that he is sick and he is the only one with the power to get himself better. Comparing your worth to his disease only hurts you.

L

MissFixit

Sunflower,

I feel for you and I am sorry for your situation. You sound like you are doing really healthy things for you and your kids. That is great!

For what it is worth, my exabf used to say the same things to me. After "putting my foot down" he told me that he was done drinking for good. This was a farce though as he developed a dual life instead that took me months to discover. The lies and pain I am now dealing with would have been lessened or not happened at all, if I had paid attention and "listened" to his actions rather than his words. He told me through his behavior (continuing to drink) what he was going to do.

I will pray for your family.

sunflowerintx

Thank you all for your responses. I've read each at least twice. Unfortunately, I can't say thanks individually at the moment!

I'm a little bummed today. I was sick to my stomach last night and this morning. I finally ate (potluck at work) and I'm better. I'm not smoking today (Great American Smokeout) so it's probably feeding my emotional state today.

Logically, I get ALL of what you are all saying...I promise I do.

But he's my husband, and the father of my children and he's sooooo incredibly screwed up. I know I can't fix him....I know. None of that makes it easier to let go.

AH called again last night. He asked if him going to rehab is an ultimatum. I said no but something's gotta be different. I'm not sure if I hung up on him accidentally or he hung up on me but nothing else was said.

Live

I will not tell him I love him or care about him. He knows that. My actions have spoken much louder than words.
I am not losing him, he has lost me.

We have been separated for about a month.

I stayed single for 13 years between my first and second marriage....so having the place to myself and not needing to accomodate anyone is a relief from a troubled relationship.
And it is peaceful.

Ago

Oh sweetheart (Sunflower) my heart goes out to you

You deserve everything you want in life, if that includes a man that treats you well, you deserve that.

What I was told was "stop going to the same dry well over and over and over for water, and especially stop going to "poison wells" for water, you get the same thing every time, time to "find a new well"

The bad news is he deserves the same, if he chooses beer over you, it's his decision, although it's not the decision I made, I chose "life"

Take care of yourself Darlin, however that looks.

:ghug3