hello-kitty

My sons drug addict father was released from state prison on Friday. He is now back in county awaiting charges on a DUI from a year ago. While in prison, he kept in touch with his son by sending occasional letters and cards. He has not attempted to contact us to tell us he is back in town (albeit in county jail). Actually his mother told me he didn't want me to know he was back. His mother also told me that one of the girls he cheated on me with while I was pregnant is bailing him out of jail. She is a crackhead. Or was. Apparently she is "recovered" now (I doubt that but who knows). Anyway, she has a trust fund and could probably bail him out if she wanted too.

His little boy misses him so bad. But his father just doesn't seem to care about him. I have a hard time believing it, but that's what his actions tell me.

Part of me wants to go down to the county jail and ask him why he is such a piece of crap and ask him if he is planning to see his son first or if he is going straight to the nearest crackhouse. The other part of my brain is saying "NO CONTACT NO CONTACT".

Any input? Please? I'm going crazy right now with the urge to "tell him how I feel about him" or even, tell him to come see his little boy.

I remind myself I can't fix him. I can't make him be a good father to his son. But I still have this urge to try. ARGH.

cassandra2

Part of me wants to go down to the county jail and ask him why he is such a piece of crap and ask him if he is planning to see his son first or if he is going straight to the nearest crackhouse. The other part of my brain is saying "NO CONTACT NO CONTACT".

Any input? Please? I'm going crazy right now with the urge to "tell him how I feel about him" or even, tell him to come see his little boy.

I remind myself I can't fix him. I can't make him be a good father to his son. But I still have this urge to try. ARGH.[/QUOTE]

I totally understand where you are coming from as far as wanting to ask why he is being this way. But you gotta remember you are the rational one at this point. Even if he has been clean he (because of jail) he is still exhibiting addict behavior IMHO. It probably would serve you better to go out and kick a tree. Your more likely to get a response.

Stay strong. Keep focused. You are doing the right thing. Stick to your guns. That is what makes this journey so hard to travel. Doing something that is right when its hard......

I know with kids in the situation it makes it that much harder. But that is when you have to step up and let your kids know that YOU are there and that YOU always have been and always will be. I dont know your story but if your ex stays in and out of your sons life you need to keep reenforcing that to him. Love him and know that one day he will see the bigger picture and know that YOU were there.

Good luck...

peaceteach

I hope you listen to the part saying NO CONTACT, NO CONTACT, Kitty. You are a good mama, and your son doesn't need a piece of **** in his life, father or no father. Protect him; protect YOU.

Callie

HK - I'm not in the same sitch totally as you, but is it better for your ds to see his AF? I mean, I know he wants too, but would that leave him wanting more (your ds)? Would it be like adding fuel to the fire for his wanting to see his dad? If he's failing him so far, maybe it would be better just to let things be? I would want to RUN down to jail and ring his neck. But if he's facing further charges and possibly going away again, would that be WORSE for your son to see him now? I am starting to get the same things with my kids - wanting to see their dad a bit more. He sees them alot, but they're really starting to realize he's not here daily like he was before. I don't know - maybe if your ds saw his dad he would only be thrown crumbs?

Hope this makes sense, but I know how you feel. You're a good mama - go with your gut. Hugs to you and your ds for even having to ponder these thoughts.

11d

Confronting him, only gives him more excuses for his bad behavior. He will blame others and not take responsibility for himself. He is displaying addict behavior! You cannot make him responsible. He has to learn that for himself. He will realize one day what he has lost. Do you really want your son around him right now? If he is using? And even if he isn't, he is still displaying addict behavior. FOCUS on you and your son. Take all that energy you are wasting on drug addict father and put it on you and your son. You and he deserve that.
I know your pain, it is soooo hard.

Callie

Yep, this is what I was tryin' to say!

Impurrfect

((((HK)))))

I know this is hard on you, and I have to be honest...I'm hoping he doesn't come around and you and that precious boy of yours don't have to see him.

I understand "A" wants to see his dad, but, unfortunately, he has this ideal picture of him and that's normal for a child his age. I just don't want him to get his little heart broken again. I'm glad he's got a GREAT mom, but I know this is still hard.

Sending you lots and "A" lots of lots of hugs and prayers. Please keep me posted, okay?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

rayofsunshine

Great advice before me.
Sending (((HUGS))) Kitty.
I know how hard it is!

wooforever

My question is if you did not know he was back in the county would you care? If it is no then do not let him get to you. When your sons dad decides he wants him in his life he will be or at least attempt to be. Your son is better off not knowing his dad now. I have taken my son to prison to see his father and that is something I regret.

Just go on with your life and when the time is right or if your ex wants to see his son he will. You can force him to see him.

hello-kitty

no contact no contact no contact.

I just needed to hear it from other people besides myself.

Thanks so much!

winnie12

So many times i find that the reasons i want to confront is because i want answers, acknowledgement, and i want them to act in the manner i think they should. i know that i will never get these things to the extent that it will take away the pain. it seems to be another way that i try to control - i want answers and i want acknowledgement that he knows he has done wrong - i ask myself why. i know that what my AS has done to me is wrong so why do i feel the need to have him say it. is it that after all this time i still need verification that my feelings are justified. Do I in some way want vindication and hope that he "feels bad" for what he has done. In the end i always realize that it doesnt help and it doesnt matter.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that another person's answers or acknowledgement of wrongdoings really wont make you feel better - most times trying to get it serves to have the opposite effect. When/If they are ready to acknowledge their wrongdoings it will mean much more then when we try to force it out of them. If he is not making contact then he obviously isnt ready to face up to this.

One parent full of love is better than two disfunctional.

hello-kitty

Oh yes. Truth be told, I want to contact him because deep in my heart I am hoping it will change him - have some kind of effect on him - either hurt him or make him a better person somehow. Turn him into a human being.

But the truth has been stated so well here. He needs to be free to live his life the way he wants to live it. I have given him numerous chances to be the man he says he wants to be. But actions speak louder than words.

He is not the man I want my son to emulate.

How sad. But true.

Letting go is something that friends and family of addicts have to do over and over and over. It's the same as recovery from addiction. It is a process we must continually work though and keep fresh in our minds, or we will fall into old unhealthy patterns of behavior.

No contact is best for me. Because otherwise I get sucked into his disease. And that's not good for me or my boy.

(((big hugs everyone)))

Be good to yourselves today.