what does this mean?

Old 11-19-2008, 11:55 AM
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what does this mean?

I had blocked abf's e-mail yesterday to avoid contact, even if I am beginning to miss him after I think he stole from me and I decided to finally break things off....he typed below:

good morning, youve done nothing to cause hate in me, i still love you, even if we arent together, i stole nothing from you, never ever, not you, nor my family, like i said, i still love you and your kids, i dont want to end up with no one on this earth hating me, i did nothing to cause hate in your eyes, maybe we didnt go out as much as u would have liked, sorry for that, but its me, well, you dont have to write me back, im kind of tired of reading your hate emails, so, let peace be between us, even if we arent together no more

Me: What does this mean? Is he trying to get confirmation that we are done so he can carry on with whatever or whoever he is seeing? He referred to my last and final e-mail "The Power of Goodbye" (lyrics from Madonna) as a hate email? At any rate, I confirmed again we are done...and his e-mail only made me confused and more hurt...thanks for any input.
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Old 11-19-2008, 12:34 PM
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Godsgirl

I know it hurts, but if you can - just don't listen to it. My AH did this kind of thing to me for months during this last year. He never did this or that to cause the "hate in my eyes". Well - I'm sorry - really? And, it's not hate, it's doing my darndest to stay strong and not get spun, it was confusion, it was pity, it was all sorts of things - but it wasn't hate, in my eyes or in my words (written or spoken) - but that is beside the point...

In my situation, words like these from my AH was all about bringing me back to where I had been so many many times over the years - assuring HIM, comforting HIM, etc. Never mind about me or my hurts or issues. And, that way - whatever situation it was that came up to get us to that point was put on the back-burner and conveniently forgotten - he had gotten me effectively distracted and my focus back on making sure HE was OK and I was seeing and hearing what HE wanted me to. He was very good at convincing me his words were the truth - which made me insane (just like all of us).

Try not to get caught up in his words, he's using them to get to you.

That's just my opinion and my experience.

(((hugs)))
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Old 11-19-2008, 01:29 PM
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IMO..it sounds like he is trying to suck you back in. Don't pay any attention and focus on doing something to make yourself happy. Take a walk or go to the gym, ect.
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Old 11-19-2008, 03:00 PM
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Its the pity me me me me me me the addict selfish BS. Been there. Got the t shirt. He is spin doctoring you honey. Pay no mind to it - hit delete and dont even read it. You have to let him go in order to stop feeling so damned bad. His addiction is not about you. The focus - just as his email - is on him.
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Old 11-19-2008, 04:03 PM
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Wow, thanks you guys for removing the his sob story glare of sunlight from my eyes.....I really needed this encouragement, it means so much to me, as crappy and hurting as I feel right now....what a great place online to get support
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Old 11-20-2008, 01:47 PM
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Just wanted to offer one other thought....

Addicts say whatever comes to their mind... it doesn't make sense because it doesn't make sense. So I agree with the others, pay no attention.

If you try to find the logic in it, you'll drive yourself crazy - there is no logic. Addicts put out a lot of "stuff" just to see what will stick or get us hooked.

Prayers for your peace and future
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Old 11-20-2008, 02:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Godsgirl View Post

good morning, youve done nothing to cause hate in me, i still love you, even if we arent together, i stole nothing from you, never ever, not you, nor my family, like i said, i still love you and your kids, i dont want to end up with no one on this earth hating me, i did nothing to cause hate in your eyes, maybe we didnt go out as much as u would have liked, sorry for that, but its me, well, you dont have to write me back, im kind of tired of reading your hate emails, so, let peace be between us, even if we arent together no more
Ok I know this goes against trying to figure the addict out but I read this and would like to add a few thoughts....

He hates himself. Hoping to hear you say I dont hate you. The part about stealing is an admission. Anyway you look at his has stole from you. You have been robbed of a relationship you once thought was good.
When he says he doesnt want anyone to hate him its what he truly wants. He wants something that he cant even have for himself right now. He is seeing whatever you say to him as you hating him.

Thats sad that addicts get into this mode of thinking that they hate themselves so therefore everyone else must to.

Its like walking around with a barely there pimple and you are praying that noone will notice it. Then someone comes up to talk to you and all you can say to yourself is "do they notice my pimple. They are looking right at it" and it goes on and on and then you realize you didnt even hear what the other person said.

IMHO that is what talking to an active addict is like. They know what they are doing is wrong and while you are trying to talk "sense" into them everything you are saying they cant hear because they are so caught up in either self hate or hoping you dont see the pimple......
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