Need some advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 11
Need some advice
Hi to everyone,
This is my first post but I have been reading your boards for awhile. I have been married to my AH for many years and quite honestly life has sucked for awhile. He started out drinking on weekends, then weeknights, then afternoons, then all day beginning in the morning. At first he was a happy drunk but eventually his behavior became very unpredictible. Finally I got the courage to give the ultimatum. This sent him into detox but when he got out, he didn't attend any meetings or go into any other program. Basically didn't take it seriously at all. Within 2 weeks time he relapsed and I asked him to leave the house. Told him I couldn't live like this anymore and wouldn't. He is now going back into detox and entering an outpatient program. I am cautiously optimistic but also am wondering how big a part relapse plays in recovery. How many times do you accept relapse and when do you say no more. Thanks for listening
This is my first post but I have been reading your boards for awhile. I have been married to my AH for many years and quite honestly life has sucked for awhile. He started out drinking on weekends, then weeknights, then afternoons, then all day beginning in the morning. At first he was a happy drunk but eventually his behavior became very unpredictible. Finally I got the courage to give the ultimatum. This sent him into detox but when he got out, he didn't attend any meetings or go into any other program. Basically didn't take it seriously at all. Within 2 weeks time he relapsed and I asked him to leave the house. Told him I couldn't live like this anymore and wouldn't. He is now going back into detox and entering an outpatient program. I am cautiously optimistic but also am wondering how big a part relapse plays in recovery. How many times do you accept relapse and when do you say no more. Thanks for listening
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Welcome to the forum, Spooner!
After a ridiculous downward spiral and my refusal to continue living with the drinking, my husband attended a 30-day inpatient rehab.
He drank again about 2 weeks after he got out.
He's still drinking.
I spent several months in varying states of misery trying to figure out what I should tolerate and what was too much.
I wanted SO MUCH to believe that he would eventually get himself under control, seek out AA, find the help that he needs. But, time revealed that he was uninterested/unable to walk that path to recovery.
And I knew that I didn't want to live with him in the insanity of active addiction. Surrounding myself with alcoholism kills my spirit. It took me a while to figure that out.
No one knows how much is too much for you, except you.
No one can tell you what is acceptable, except you.
Are you happy now?
Do you have peace?
If your life continued to look exactly as it does today, would that be okay with you?
Those are the questions that helped me make my decision.
When I looked at the situation honestly and asked myself, "If he were to continue to relapse once a week/month/year for the rest of his life, would that be ok with me? Would I feel secure in our love and our relationship? Would I be able to make the plans I want to for my future?"
I have my answers.
What about you?
-TC
After a ridiculous downward spiral and my refusal to continue living with the drinking, my husband attended a 30-day inpatient rehab.
He drank again about 2 weeks after he got out.
He's still drinking.
I spent several months in varying states of misery trying to figure out what I should tolerate and what was too much.
I wanted SO MUCH to believe that he would eventually get himself under control, seek out AA, find the help that he needs. But, time revealed that he was uninterested/unable to walk that path to recovery.
And I knew that I didn't want to live with him in the insanity of active addiction. Surrounding myself with alcoholism kills my spirit. It took me a while to figure that out.
No one knows how much is too much for you, except you.
No one can tell you what is acceptable, except you.
Are you happy now?
Do you have peace?
If your life continued to look exactly as it does today, would that be okay with you?
Those are the questions that helped me make my decision.
When I looked at the situation honestly and asked myself, "If he were to continue to relapse once a week/month/year for the rest of his life, would that be ok with me? Would I feel secure in our love and our relationship? Would I be able to make the plans I want to for my future?"
I have my answers.
What about you?
-TC
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I agree with Tough Choices.
In my opinion the BIG mistake I made was continuing to beleive that he would turn around and stop drinking. I loved him and had hoped that he would wake up "enlightened." I gave ultimatums. However, why would he change his behavior regardless of what he said when he continued to get his needs met. I was there for him and he knew it.
He is a grown man and until HE decides to take care of himself, he will drink. My exabf had many relapses that I knew of and probably many more that I did not know about. He appeared to try. Did the same thing 2 weeks after getting out of rehab, he relapsed. He is still drinking today, but doing it without me in the picture.
In my opinion the BIG mistake I made was continuing to beleive that he would turn around and stop drinking. I loved him and had hoped that he would wake up "enlightened." I gave ultimatums. However, why would he change his behavior regardless of what he said when he continued to get his needs met. I was there for him and he knew it.
He is a grown man and until HE decides to take care of himself, he will drink. My exabf had many relapses that I knew of and probably many more that I did not know about. He appeared to try. Did the same thing 2 weeks after getting out of rehab, he relapsed. He is still drinking today, but doing it without me in the picture.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I have come to believe that recovery for anyone, addict or not, has to come because the individual truly, deeply wants it, for him or her self, not for any outside reason. Change is hard. I might be motivated for a short time to change for someone else, but in the end, unless I want it for myself, I will revert back to my old ways. Today I see a subtle difference in the statements: I'll stop drinking because I'll lose you; and I"ll stop drinking because it's what is best for my life.
I try today to look at things outside of alcoholism, even though that may be the disease that brought me to recovery. For example, I went on countless diets because I knew xAH wanted me to (and I was never fat to begin with, but I digress LOL). I lost those extra pounds when it meant something to me - my health and a recovered interest in wanting to look my best.
Keep posting!
I try today to look at things outside of alcoholism, even though that may be the disease that brought me to recovery. For example, I went on countless diets because I knew xAH wanted me to (and I was never fat to begin with, but I digress LOL). I lost those extra pounds when it meant something to me - my health and a recovered interest in wanting to look my best.
Keep posting!
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
From a helping perspective encourage the person who relapses to keep trying as many times as necessary. As in 'keep coming back', there is always hope.
From a personal relationship perspective it is a matter of 'how much can I take?' and the reality of success. Nobody can say how long you stick by him/her.
From a personal relationship perspective it is a matter of 'how much can I take?' and the reality of success. Nobody can say how long you stick by him/her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 11
Thank you all so much for your help. It really helps to get other's perspective on all of this. Sometimes I feel I'm being too hard on him but then I made the big step finally to change my life and don't want to fall back into that horrible place. I don't really understand my emotions though. I really thought that once I let it out and made a stand I would feel so much better but unfortunately all I feel is this horrible sadness. Don't get it but I'll keep on trying to figure it out.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by spooner 
Thank you all so much for your help. It really helps to get other's perspective on all of this. Sometimes I feel I'm being too hard on him but then I made the big step finally to change my life and don't want to fall back into that horrible place. I don't really understand my emotions though. I really thought that once I let it out and made a stand I would feel so much better but unfortunately all I feel is this horrible sadness. Don't get it but I'll keep on trying to figure it out.
This doesn't stop me from moving on though.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
As the recovering alcohol in my relationship, I can say that relapse is not part of recovery. Freedom and TommyK and others here are right. I'm sorry you have so much sadness and it is very understandable. It's the death of your relationship when he choses to relapse. It is very sad. It's even sad for him but he won't let himself feel it and is all numbed up against it. He will blame you and plead and generally act like a fool. Once you know you've reached that "no going back" place, don't give in. Let it go and float as serenely as you can away from him.
In my recovery group at rehab and in my AA groups, many, many people do relapse and then eventually find true lasting recovery. And then some never relapse at all. A relapse doesn't mean they're bad. It just means they are not succeeding at something that is of the utmost importance. It is sad for everyone.
In my recovery group at rehab and in my AA groups, many, many people do relapse and then eventually find true lasting recovery. And then some never relapse at all. A relapse doesn't mean they're bad. It just means they are not succeeding at something that is of the utmost importance. It is sad for everyone.
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