drained22

my alkie friend asked me today to goto dinner with her, well eat mussels exactly. I lied and told her I was going to goto the gym with the guys.

she knew something was up but I'm spending my night reading books on alcoholism. I goto college and spend 20K a year and I thought it was a good thing to check out books on this issue that I have no clue about.

I'm learning alot and I found some traits that resemble my situation yet I'm not a medical profession and I'm not trying to make a diagnosis.

the books were published around 1970 -1988 and I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions on modern alcoholism (academic style) books.

btw : I'm not ready to see her again, just remembering what would happen when we hang out,etc. I explained what happened in my previous posts.

since I been focusing on myself more, I've been content, focusing more time on schoolwork, passed a quiz where this semester I havent studied as I usually do, have more money to pay my bills. I just paid my car insurance today.

peaceteach

Good for you, Drained. Remember to keep your focus on YOU, not the alcoholic. That would be my recommendation. I loved the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It is really written for the person who loves the alcoholic or is overly involved with the alcoholic at his/her own detriment. I saw a lot of myself in that book and it really helped me to change things, to put myself first. You sound good today

tommyk

Great post, Drained.

FormerDoormat

Why not just be honest with her? Lying never solves anything. In fact, it complicates things.

freeflower

I really loved co dependent no more. I also like her book called the language of letting go. it's daily little uplifting advice on how to carry on with your life, I like to open it up randomly before bed and read a page or two. I highlite the ones that really touch my situation. It helps me alot on down and mixed up days.

tommyk

I would like to VERY RESPECTFULLY, and in a friendly manner, agree to disagree.

I often find that omitting the truth (lying?) keeps me from having to explain something I might not be able to explain. And that simplifies things, because I don't have to dwell on my (all too complex) reasoning.

To each their own, no offense.

ToughChoices

If I do not want to go somewhere with someone, I simply say, "No, thank you."
I needn't be rude, and there is often no need to explain my motives or reasoning.

If I would like to explain my decision to someone, I do them a disservice by lying to them.
I also do a disservice to myself.

Drained, what would have happened if you had said, "I don't want to have dinner with you tonight."?
How do you expect to communicate how damaging her behavior is to your relationship if you lie to her about why you can't be around her?

It is true that lying often seems more convenient than telling the truth.
I think, in the long run, it is a far more complicated and inconvenient path.

-TC

Bernadette

Hiya drained22--
good for you on getting some distance from your AF and on passing your quiz!! ;-)

I think protecting yourself is #1 and if right now you need to make an excuse or "lie" to avoid a hassle or fight, well you gotta do what you gotta do.

But I think it is important to look at "lying" within myself as a codependent person. Many of my worst situations were caused by lying either to others or to myself.

It is a huge step to be able to speak the truth to someone. It is a huge step because I found, when I did it, even though I was terrified, that I grew. And if I don't grow, or at least TRY to grow, then I am doomed to repeat or attract the same situations into my life.

Once I was able to "say it out loud" it diminished the power that my fear had over me.

In the early days of recovering myself I went from lying to my brothers, "No I can't meet you I'm going to a class with so and so..." or whatever excuse....
to
"No, I can't go out with you because I don't enjoy being with you when you're drinking, it's very unhealthy for me to be around, so I'll pass."
to
nowadays I can usually just say, "No, thanks." with a smile.
I FINALLY learned that No. is a complete sentence and I don't need to explain myself to an alcoholic.

It was an evolution in my self growth. I was terrified to tell them the real reason I was no longer going to be social with them. Like - physically ill!! I was burning from head to toe when I said something truthful about it for the first time. And yes they got pissed off - and yes they argued with me or called me judgemental or whatever they needed to to keep their alcoholic self-image in tact. But it got easier and every time I spoke the truth - just straight up, no nastiness, just statement of fact about myself, I literally got stronger in my recovery.

So anyway- just some thoughts for the future. Enjoy your peace!

The best book I read about Alcoholism is Under the Influence by Ketchum and Milgram.

The book I like best about our problem is mentioned by almost everyone on here Codependent No More by Beattie.
Good luck drained22!
B.

FormerDoormat

My former alcoholic boyfriend lied to me all the time. Today I don't tolerate lying of any kind. Any way you slice it, a lie by omission is still a lie.

Barbara52

Yeah, but I am under no requirement to explain my "no" if I don't want to do so. A simple no works. And doesn't involve me in engaging behavior I would resent coming from someone else, i.e., telling a lie to avoid truth.

denny57

"No" is a complete sentence.

I prefer to keep my life honest and straight up.

drained22

I lied and told her what I said to avoid a fight. If I told her no, it would cause alot of grief and anger on her part. I know I would be hurting her feelings but she wouldnt let me know.

I did want to see her but I just needed time to myself.

Barbara52

So why does her feeling count more than yours? There doesn't have to be a fight if you don't want one. What I'm trying to say is it takes 2 to fight. If you choose not to fight, there isn't one. You can change the way you interact if you want; own your words, actions and feelings and let her do the same.

How is saying no more hurtful than telling lies? I don't understand that.

Theodora8

I used to do that in the past with people I was trying to avoid and it always ended badly (mainly because I'm a horrible liar and I could never remember the lies). I eventually learned to just say, "no" and for those who questioned it, I would sorta tell them the truth. For example, you could have said, "no, I'm going to be reading tonight instead." Hey, it's hard to get started on just being open and honest, especially when you are a codependant and want to please others instead of yourself! You'll eventually have enough confidence in yourself to tell them the whole truth because you won't really care how they react because you won't want all that drama in your life anyway.