I need some assistance concerning my son..please
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Southeast
Posts: 18
I need some assistance concerning my son..please
Good Morning..I need some assistance in how and what to do about my 35 year AS. He is now in jail for POV and wants me to bail him out. I have mixed feeling concerning his issue. One side of me (mother says, yes) the other says no. He has been in for 35 days of his 60 days and his court date is Wednesday to set bond. As you can see I am having trouble sleeping and my family husband and Adult children are saying no. Please help!!!
Last edited by sunshine85; 11-17-2008 at 02:02 AM. Reason: misspelling
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I sometimes find when I feel the overwhelming urge to do something it is best to do NOTHING.
It's very challenging what you're going through.
It would seem natural that you want to help get your son out of jail, an unfortunate place. But I try to think long term- and while I would have bailed my brothers out of jail back when I was in my twenties before I learned about alcoholism more objectively I would not bail them out now. No way.
I face the consequences of my actions every day. Why should I help them avoid the real consequences of their behavior? It is their decision to do things that land them in jail and I assume there is a lesson there for THEM to learn. I better not interfere!
More folks will be along sunshine-- hang in there-- however much your son may try to guilt you into bailing him out - he made the choices that landed him there.
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
Peace-
B.
It's very challenging what you're going through.
It would seem natural that you want to help get your son out of jail, an unfortunate place. But I try to think long term- and while I would have bailed my brothers out of jail back when I was in my twenties before I learned about alcoholism more objectively I would not bail them out now. No way.
I face the consequences of my actions every day. Why should I help them avoid the real consequences of their behavior? It is their decision to do things that land them in jail and I assume there is a lesson there for THEM to learn. I better not interfere!
More folks will be along sunshine-- hang in there-- however much your son may try to guilt you into bailing him out - he made the choices that landed him there.
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.
Peace-
B.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Sunshine, the BEST thing my parent ever did for me was to finally say NO. They totally shut me out of their life when I was 33 1/2 years old. It took me another 2 1/2 years to finally find recovery.
If they had not done what they did back then I would have been long dead by now.
No, DO NOT bail him out.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
If they had not done what they did back then I would have been long dead by now.
No, DO NOT bail him out.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
For what it is worth (I am not a mother and I imagine it must be hard to watch your son), I think you might stick it out with the tough love thing. Sounds like that is what you are doing. It is probably harder on you than him, but if helping him before hasn't worked and he has gotten himself in this mess despite earlier efforts, than maybe another approach is needed.
During 2005, my exabf got 3 DUIs in 11 months. His best friend would bail him out of each one. We were together for years and I never even knew about them until the third one, when he enterred rehab (apparently he kept driving to keep up appearances. He was and is in denial big time). Long story short, his friends and I have tried to help him over the years in hundreds of ways. He would always cry, beg and then would get mad if we stood up to him or refused his requests. Now, still no license and he hangs out with "users" instead of friends and has a new drinking girlfriend/instant fiance who is happy to keep him drunk.
I have thought about this many times recently, but I think that if his friends and I had not made life so easy for him and accommodated his reckless behavior (i.e. he actually served jail time, didn't get off so easily and I didn't drive him around following the lost license) perhaps he would have hated the expereince but learned humility and perhaps pulled himself up without help and gained self respect. As it is now, he is spiraling down.
During 2005, my exabf got 3 DUIs in 11 months. His best friend would bail him out of each one. We were together for years and I never even knew about them until the third one, when he enterred rehab (apparently he kept driving to keep up appearances. He was and is in denial big time). Long story short, his friends and I have tried to help him over the years in hundreds of ways. He would always cry, beg and then would get mad if we stood up to him or refused his requests. Now, still no license and he hangs out with "users" instead of friends and has a new drinking girlfriend/instant fiance who is happy to keep him drunk.
I have thought about this many times recently, but I think that if his friends and I had not made life so easy for him and accommodated his reckless behavior (i.e. he actually served jail time, didn't get off so easily and I didn't drive him around following the lost license) perhaps he would have hated the expereince but learned humility and perhaps pulled himself up without help and gained self respect. As it is now, he is spiraling down.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
After bailing my son out of every bit of trouble for many years I began to 'get it' and got serious about attending Al-Anon. The amazing thing about it was that I believed that I had stopped enabling after he found himself in jail...the first time.
The truth was that I continued to do some rescuing and enabling afterwards but I grew stronger in the conviction that if I kept getting between him and his consequences....he may end up in worse trouble. The fact that I was emotionally and physically exhausted was my other reason to change.
The last time he was arrested was different. He got no outside help and he had to figure things out for himself for the first time. He's been clean over two & a half years.
He picked up the pieces of his life, found a nice young lady to marry, works hard at his job, is behaving like the young man I raised.... and doesn't even smoke cigarettes anymore.
His last term in jail was for one year. That came after more than several years in treatment at halfway houses, countless AA and NA meetings and a very strict boot camp experience. Two things changed before he was ready to stop: 1. The family stopped enabling. 2. He decided he had had enough. (in that order)
By depriving a person from feeling pain that _they_ choose to cause...I can prolong their suffering. I finally got to a place where I decided I could not live with enabling his destruction. I finally realized that the 'next time' he used might kill him or someone else. It wasn't easy but it was the right thing for our son and the rest of our family.
The truth was that I continued to do some rescuing and enabling afterwards but I grew stronger in the conviction that if I kept getting between him and his consequences....he may end up in worse trouble. The fact that I was emotionally and physically exhausted was my other reason to change.
The last time he was arrested was different. He got no outside help and he had to figure things out for himself for the first time. He's been clean over two & a half years.
He picked up the pieces of his life, found a nice young lady to marry, works hard at his job, is behaving like the young man I raised.... and doesn't even smoke cigarettes anymore.
His last term in jail was for one year. That came after more than several years in treatment at halfway houses, countless AA and NA meetings and a very strict boot camp experience. Two things changed before he was ready to stop: 1. The family stopped enabling. 2. He decided he had had enough. (in that order)
By depriving a person from feeling pain that _they_ choose to cause...I can prolong their suffering. I finally got to a place where I decided I could not live with enabling his destruction. I finally realized that the 'next time' he used might kill him or someone else. It wasn't easy but it was the right thing for our son and the rest of our family.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
You should be able to sleep because he's staying put.
If you bail him out you are sending a HUGE message that you are a sucker.
Do not bail him out. He should not have been in there in the first place. He is waaaaaaaaaaay too old. Maybe this will wake him up......but then again......probably not.
Good luck.
If you bail him out you are sending a HUGE message that you are a sucker.
Do not bail him out. He should not have been in there in the first place. He is waaaaaaaaaaay too old. Maybe this will wake him up......but then again......probably not.
Good luck.
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