Having an addict boyfriend...

Old 11-16-2008, 06:52 PM
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Having an addict boyfriend...

I'm new here on the boards...I chose to sign up because I don't know where else to turn to. My friends and family all think negatively and I do not agree with any of their advice.

My boyfriend is a heroin addict. I have been dating him on and off since January. He was doing good for so long but ended up slipping and doing really bad. And he dragged me into it. I would have to take him to get his drugs, I would have to pay for them. He would say and do anything to me to get me to give in. He would lie about anything just so I would give him money to get the drugs. It hurt bad. He has even been abusive to me, and I think cheated on me as well.

We broke up for good about 3 months ago and I thought I'd never hear from him again. I missed him a lot. He recently called me and we got together. He told me he is sorry for everything and he loves me and he needs me in his life. Needless to say, he asked me for money and then went out and got heroin. It hurt so bad.

I dont know what to do. I love him a lot and I want to take care of him and help him. He's cried to me soo many times that he doesn't want to live this way and he needs me in his life to help him stay clean and get better, yet the pattern keeps continuing. I don't know how much more of this I can take but all I know is I don't want to lose him.

I really could use some encouraging advice right now, please.
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Old 11-16-2008, 07:02 PM
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IF YOU LOVE ME, LET ME FALL

IF you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall, (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me)

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit....trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me.....The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours....the sooner I will arrive....and on time....just right where I need to be...me, alone all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead...resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one.

It I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile, I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out....I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound.

Don't you see?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me...I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever supposed to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours.

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart and from knowledge of what is best for me....but if you truly love me, let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good.

Don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly....nudge me out of your safety net....trust the process and pray for me.....that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.


Welcome to SR....More will come....
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Old 11-16-2008, 07:03 PM
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What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.


Sticky's from the top....
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Old 11-16-2008, 07:14 PM
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Berri,
I am married to a recovering heroin addict. He started his addiction with pain pills and eventually moved on to heroin. My husband finally wanted recovery and went to rehab almost 9 months ago. Finally there is some peace in our lives. I cannot say his recovery process has been easy, but I finally found an Alanon meeting I can get help for MYSELF. My best advice for you is to find Alanon or Naranon and go to a few meetings and check it out for yourself. I am working hard at MY program and my husband is working hard on his. I promise things do get better...eventually.

Take care!!
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Old 11-16-2008, 07:15 PM
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forgot to mention, keep reading here at SR, it has been so helpful for me!!
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Old 11-16-2008, 07:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Berrisweet03 View Post
I'm new here on the boards...I chose to sign up because I don't know where else to turn to. My friends and family all think negatively and I do not agree with any of their advice.....

I really could use some encouraging advice right now, please.
Please enlighten us on their advice and what you consider "encouraging" advice.

From my standpoint, you are likely to get arrested with him (I have a friend caught doing exactly what you are describing and she just got a YEAR in prison - no Xmas dinner this year) or robbed or shot in a drug deal gone bad.

You are also not helping him, you are enabling him.

If you want to help him, then leave, never give him a dime, do not talk to him, and let him crash and hit rock bottom. Just MHO.
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Old 11-16-2008, 07:28 PM
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It is a hard concept to understand, but loving him by giving him money and running him to get his DOC is not an act of loving kindness. Love is not always doing what we perceive as "good", sometimes we have to love someone enough to let them go. By letting him go, you are helping to raise his bottom. His bottom may or may not be a long way off, but the sooner he reaches out for help, for himself, is ultimately the goal - and so, stepping back is raising his bottom by that much. Help him by stepping away and then help yourself. Meetings, writing and reading here, therapy, etc. Whatever it takes. You have the right to a happy and healthy life. Worry about YOU! If you don't think about you, how many others that love YOU will lose YOU. Don't forget to count yourself!

(((welcome)))
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Old 11-16-2008, 11:02 PM
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Originally Posted by dgillz View Post
Please enlighten us on their advice and what you consider "encouraging" advice.

From my standpoint, you are likely to get arrested with him (I have a friend caught doing exactly what you are describing and she just got a YEAR in prison - no Xmas dinner this year) or robbed or shot in a drug deal gone bad.

You are also not helping him, you are enabling him.

If you want to help him, then leave, never give him a dime, do not talk to him, and let him crash and hit rock bottom. Just MHO.
Berrisweet:
Let me add that your car may also be impounded and if you let him use your car, it's also likely going to be used to transport stolen goods at some point in time.

If you are intent on sustaining the fantasy that your love and support is going to cure him, minimally take some actions to protect yourself. Don't let him use your car. Don't drive him. Don't give him the keys to your house. Protect your money, ATM and credit cards. And seriously consider extra precautions when it comes to birth control/ STDs.

None of us would be here if all it took was our love and support to cure them.
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Old 11-16-2008, 11:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Berrisweet03 View Post
I'm new here on the boards...I chose to sign up because I don't know where else to turn to. My friends and family all think negatively and I do not agree with any of their advice.

My boyfriend is a heroin addict. I have been dating him on and off since January. He was doing good for so long but ended up slipping and doing really bad. And he dragged me into it. I would have to take him to get his drugs, I would have to pay for them. He would say and do anything to me to get me to give in. He would lie about anything just so I would give him money to get the drugs. It hurt bad. He has even been abusive to me, and I think cheated on me as well.

We broke up for good about 3 months ago and I thought I'd never hear from him again. I missed him a lot. He recently called me and we got together. He told me he is sorry for everything and he loves me and he needs me in his life. Needless to say, he asked me for money and then went out and got heroin. It hurt so bad.

I dont know what to do. I love him a lot and I want to take care of him and help him. He's cried to me soo many times that he doesn't want to live this way and he needs me in his life to help him stay clean and get better, yet the pattern keeps continuing. I don't know how much more of this I can take but all I know is I don't want to lose him.

I really could use some encouraging advice right now, please.


WELCOME!!!



I would echo what you've already read, and encourage you to flee for your life, and his. He won't get better if you keep digging him out of that hole. Good news, if you start working on yourself you'll feel better. Keep coming back, a lot of support here.
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Old 11-17-2008, 04:47 AM
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I know this all sounds negative to you but please listion to the others.... RUN, run for your life, your sanity, your safety and your well being..

Your BF has already proven to you that he will use you to get drugs.. They always have a sob story, an excuse and a lie. He will keep coming back to you as long as you give him money and take him to buy his drugs.

Relationships with an addict are one sided.. An addict is not capable of giving you a healthy relationship. They cannot love you because they do not love themselves, they cannot respect you because they do not respect themselves and they can not be available to you because they are not available to themselves.

The best thing that you can do for you is to cut your loses and walk away from him.
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Old 11-17-2008, 06:38 AM
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Welcome to SR!

I am a recovering addict, as well as a recovering codie (codependent). What you read hear may not be what you want to hear, but it is the truth.

You are putting your own life and freedom at great risk. It is only when I was forced to face my consequences, which included being homeless and getting locked up, that I even THOUGHT about quitting drugs. If someone had given me money, taken me to get drugs, given me a soft place to crash, I would still be using. Instead, I have over 20 months clean, and it took me 4 years to get that.

As long as he is using, you can count on your "relationship" getting worse. We A's (addicts) will do anything to get our drugs and that is our main concern. We hurt people, in some of the worst ways, and will use people to get what we want (drugs or money to get drugs). Even if we love someone, that love takes a distant back seat to our need for drugs. An A doesn't love themself...there's no way they can love someone else the way we should.

I hope you keep reading and posting. This place has literally saved my life.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 11-17-2008, 08:31 AM
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Thank you everyone for your support and kind words. I should have been more specific. I do not drive him around anymore to get drugs, he now has his own car and his own money ( was given $10,000 when he turned 21...horrible.) so I do not have to do anything for him anymore and he is living with his grandparents.

He tells me he wants to get better and needs me to help him. And he wanted to get out of where we live because I think his friends have a huge influence on him. Yet, he refuses to go into treatment, saying that it doesnt work.

I also have a brother who is a drug addict and he has tried rehab over and over again, has been in jail, almost died from an absess from a dirty needle...yet still continues to do drugs.

I am at a lose for words. I am the kind of person who never has done drugs, I don't smoke, I don't even drink or party, yet I love someone the complete opposite of me. I want to help him and I know I have to let him go, but it hurts so much to just...stop being there.
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Old 11-17-2008, 08:49 AM
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sweetie, the kind of help he needs, you can't give him. That's NOT said to put you down at all. It's just that someone who hasn't LIVED through an addiction just isn't capable of understanding what addiction does to someone.

I get a tremendous amount of strength and support from the people on this forum. My codependency and addiction are so interwined, that if I slip in the codie area, I'm in a dangerous area with my addiction, but that's just me. I also have wonderful friends, here, who are RA's (recovering addicts). THEY are the ones who help me when I get a "using thought" for no darned reason.

The greatest thing my family did, for me, was to go on with their lives. Yes, they love me, and yes, I hurt them really bad. But to watch THEM keep putting one foot in front of the other and deal with life, it reminded me of what "normal" was and gave me something to strive for. In all honesty, if I'd been around them (I was 2 hours away) and saw them sitting around, wringing their hands and crying over my actions, I would have felt MORE like crap about myself, and would have used to get over those feelings. That's the only way I could think of to deal.

We A's just don't make sense. I can't believe the things I did, but I know I did them. No one, who is not an addict, can truly understand.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 11-17-2008, 11:12 AM
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Berrisweet...like some of the others have said...run. It's just not worth it. I was in a relationship (off and on) with a heroin addict for the last year. A lot of people gave me similar advice..but to make a long story short...I didn't take it. I was in denial for most of our relationship. I thought maybe it would be different for him and for us. It wasn't. He ended up stealing from me (more than once) and his parents, ect. He got fired from 2 really good jobs, one because he tested positive and another because he was stealing. The lies are endless and the sad part is I don't know who he is because I don't know what was real and what was a lie. I really loved him a lot and I thought I could help him. Everytime he screwed up or I kicked him out he would keep calling me and I would keep taking him back. One time I did really good and stopped contact with him, only to see him a week later and let him come back to live with me. His family has disowned him. They just want to move on. They realize he needs to help himself. No one can help him. Just like with your bf...he is the only one who can help himself. I found out last week while my ex was in detox that he was making plans to go get high after he was realeased and he was just staying there for the max. time to impress me and make it look like he was doing the right thing. I found all this out because one of my co-workers friends was at the detox as well. That did it for me. I couldn't believe all this time he was pretending to seek out help...just so he could stay with me. I am glad it happened cause it woke me up and now I refuse to talk to him, changed my phone # and am living life for me. You know what...it's almost like a giant weight has been lifted and I am grateful that there is no more drama.

No one can tell you what to do, but please keep coming back here. Keep reading (it helped me so much!) and maybe try to hit up an Alanon or naranon meeting. Please take care of yourself.:codiepolice
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Old 11-17-2008, 11:38 AM
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Hi there mother of an addict. I know it's hard when you love someone, but you really need to stand back and let him find his own recovery. As long as he is using he will lie, cheat and steal. You see his first love is heroine, I know that sounds so painful but it is the truth. Everything else is secondary in his life. What is important is you and your well being. Have you tried Naranon? It will get better for you it takes time and small steps. Keep coming back here wonderful people and support.
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Old 11-17-2008, 03:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Berrisweet03 View Post
He tells me he wants to get better and needs me to help him.
Hiya Berri,
He does NOT need you to get sober, that is something he has to do entirely on his own.

PLEASE, read all you can on these forums, and decide whether or not that this is the ride you want to be on.

I am the mother of 2 addict sons, and I cringe everytime one of my sons has a nice girl, because I know for a fact, that because of addiction, she will not be treated in the way she deserves, drugs are the addicts first love.

Sweetie, life's short, be happy.

Hugs....
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