Thinking with my head and telling my heart to stay out of it.
I grew my wings to fly...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
Thinking with my head and telling my heart to stay out of it.
I have had a peace about me for a few days, since I thought for sure I was going to have a total breakdown. I have had contact with the AXBF, but I am not in a fight for this relationship mode any more. It is a weird feeling to just 'let go' of the fight for him to understand me and my position on things. I have learnt through SR that I need to be responsible for me and my actions, and he is responsible for his actions. I cant STAND his actions, but it is not my business (which is hard as heck to overcome)
We talked on the phone last night, for the first time since we had an all out brawl on the phone. He called me, I was a bit anxious at the thought of what he might say regarding how everything is my fault. It didn't go that way. Evidently he is working his program steady. He was very kind, down right loving, and taking responsibility for what he has done and admitted that the problem (in part) is his lack of ability to focus on being sober and to rid himself of his anxiety.(He has NEVER taken responsibility for anything in 3 years!!) He did say, I want to be with you, but at this time I need to focus on my recovery, and if you want you can focus on your recovery. It was if I was talking to a different man. (pulling the wool over my eyes? nope, I take most things with the grain of salt, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt) He said he appreciated me being here for him, even though I asked him not to contact me prior, and that with God's help he can beat this so we can have a healthy relationship.
I didn't let him call the shots. I did say that through my recovery that I can not have addictions in my life, and he said he knows this and that is why he is working hard on his program. He said he appreciates me understanding that it is best that we are not together at this time, and that when I voiced it to him a few weeks ago he decided that he didn't want to lose me and wants to heal from the past hurts and overcome his addiction. He has seen a doctor for anxiety, and is also going to counseling.
He is having a hard day of it today, it is the 2nd Anniversary of his Uncles murder and he text me and asked me to pray for him, and that he was going to spend the day working on his program.
He is in the first stages of getting help, so I am not going to hold my breath. BUT I will be as supportive as I can be, without forgetting myself, or by giving up who I am to accommodate his needs.
We talked on the phone last night, for the first time since we had an all out brawl on the phone. He called me, I was a bit anxious at the thought of what he might say regarding how everything is my fault. It didn't go that way. Evidently he is working his program steady. He was very kind, down right loving, and taking responsibility for what he has done and admitted that the problem (in part) is his lack of ability to focus on being sober and to rid himself of his anxiety.(He has NEVER taken responsibility for anything in 3 years!!) He did say, I want to be with you, but at this time I need to focus on my recovery, and if you want you can focus on your recovery. It was if I was talking to a different man. (pulling the wool over my eyes? nope, I take most things with the grain of salt, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt) He said he appreciated me being here for him, even though I asked him not to contact me prior, and that with God's help he can beat this so we can have a healthy relationship.
I didn't let him call the shots. I did say that through my recovery that I can not have addictions in my life, and he said he knows this and that is why he is working hard on his program. He said he appreciates me understanding that it is best that we are not together at this time, and that when I voiced it to him a few weeks ago he decided that he didn't want to lose me and wants to heal from the past hurts and overcome his addiction. He has seen a doctor for anxiety, and is also going to counseling.
He is having a hard day of it today, it is the 2nd Anniversary of his Uncles murder and he text me and asked me to pray for him, and that he was going to spend the day working on his program.
He is in the first stages of getting help, so I am not going to hold my breath. BUT I will be as supportive as I can be, without forgetting myself, or by giving up who I am to accommodate his needs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 163
You sound very strong, sad! I'm sending you both good vibes. I pray and light a candle daily that my AH finds recovery and happiness but I'm not hanging my hopes too high that he will.
Keep taking care of you!
(((( sad ))))
Keep taking care of you!
(((( sad ))))
I grew my wings to fly...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
I have been talking to him daily and daily he is drunk. ;-( I don't ask him any questions regarding the program he is in, or the counseling I am trying to keep out of his business regarding that. He asks me to leave it to God. He hasn't been blaming me for anything and taking responsibility for his part (again, amazing). I am just not 'feeling' it. I feel that this is another attempt on his part to pull the wool over my eyes.
I have been letting myself cry about this, as much as I need to. I hadn't been letting myself. My Mom said a profound thing to me the other day, that surprised me, she said Waiting for him is like waiting for someone who is serving a life sentence, do you want to wait your life away for someone who will never be 'available'. She is right. I am seeing more and more each day that holding onto him is like holding onto a snowball when it is 100 degrees out.
I am confused, and having doubt. I love him but I am weighing the cost to me to continue this 'if' instead of letting go and stop this freefalling activity that has been going on for 4 months. I haven't seen my counselor in 3 weeks and need to get back to that.
Please say prayers for me, for him.
I have been letting myself cry about this, as much as I need to. I hadn't been letting myself. My Mom said a profound thing to me the other day, that surprised me, she said Waiting for him is like waiting for someone who is serving a life sentence, do you want to wait your life away for someone who will never be 'available'. She is right. I am seeing more and more each day that holding onto him is like holding onto a snowball when it is 100 degrees out.
I am confused, and having doubt. I love him but I am weighing the cost to me to continue this 'if' instead of letting go and stop this freefalling activity that has been going on for 4 months. I haven't seen my counselor in 3 weeks and need to get back to that.
Please say prayers for me, for him.
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