loner1968

Sometimes I don't know what to believe about addiction.
There is nothing we can do..we have no power...but if they threaten to hurt themselves we have to help them. which means that we are entering into their life.We have to give them the freedom to dig their own grave but when they say they want to die we have a moral obligation to do something. (don't misunderstand..I don't wish anyone to die but if I'm not powerful enough to cause someone to slowly kill themselves then how can I possibly do anything about a suicide threat?).then we tell each other to never lose hope even though we can't be in their lives. They will always hurt us....they need help. They don't think they are sick. Their brains physically function differently. They have choices. They have no choice. Their perceptions are altered. They have to admit they need help. They have to admit they are powerless yet they have to make a life saving decision with a chemically poisoned sick brain, mind and soul. They have to hit some mysterious rock bottom and meanwhile they are literally dying and we watch...or we don't watch because there is nothing we can do. No wonder its a roller coaster ride. Sometimes I feel like everything I thought I understood just loses its meaning. I read the posts on here and as much as we all try to help each other it seems we kind of contradict ourselves too.

prodigal

The one thing I came to believe, personally, is that the addict makes choices. Whether I like the choices or not, I respect the freedom of choice the addict practices.

If my AH made an overt attempt at suicide or directly said to me he wanted to kill himself, I would dial 911. Otherwise, I leave him to do what he chooses to do; namely, drink himself to death.

I can only speak for how I exercised my freedom of choice. I chose to detach. I chose to get on with my life. I chose to get a job - ANY job - to pay down my credit card debt, beef up my savings, graduate from college (in May) and leave.

It's taken me a good three years of hemming and hawing and talking about leaving to actually get out of the pit of denial and actually DO SOMETHING.

I had my own addiction to deal with; namely, the addiction of being addicted to perpetual victimhood and martyrdom. Once I got really honest with myself, I was able to release the addict.

What do I believe about addiction? I believe it's the addict's choice to pursue it or to seek help to put the addiction into remission. Other than that, it's none of my business what my AH chooses to do with his life. His life. His choices. His consequences.

Barbara52

Yup, because we're all human and because no one but the individual knows what is right for the individual.


When I first left my xAH, I worried about him comitting suicide (turned out to be yet another worry that had no basis BTW) it took a bit but I realized that IF it came up, that was yet another choice my xAH might make and my responsibility ended with a call to 911 if I thought any threat of suicide was a real threat rather than noise and manipulation.

loner1968

How can someone make rational choices if they are supposedly sick in the head? What If my schizophrenic friend made choices to do the things that addicts do?
I have cut off contact from all the drunks in my life...even my parents...and I still don't feel like I did something positive .

loner1968

I know this is true but it doesn't feel very nice....

loner1968

Some on here say that we should take EVERY threat of suicide seriously. so how many times are we expected to be duped by their crying wolf?

Barbara52

Some say you should step in and save someone too. That doesn't mean you have to do it.

All you can do is figure out what is best for you and follow through on that.

Barbara52

Who says you or I or anyone else has to be "nice" all the time? Sometimes protecting my boundaries can be perceived by others as not "nice." There perception is theirs and I am not responsibile for it. Sometimes being "nice" to others is harmful to myself and my well being. I prefer to be "nice" to me these days and to let others take responsibility for their own choices/actions and "niceness."

prairiegirl

I'm new to this Forum and so I don't quite understand how you mark a quote so please help me here? But thank you so much Prodigal for that line. It's so true, as hard as it is to accept.

I believe alcoholism is one of the most difficult things to witness. There is no other disease that has such a far-reaching impact on family and friends and the hardest but most useful thing to learn in all of this is detachment. If we can do that, we have it made, otherwise the disease takes such a terrific toll on us as well. Because you're right. How hard is it to sit and watch someone slowly kill themselves or worse, to threaten to kill themselves. I agree that if he does that, with my background training in working with crisis lines, you simply call 911. If he's serious, he'll get help; if he's using it to manipulate you, he'll stop doing it because he won't want to embarass himself.

GiveLove

I've never believed this to be true. If YOU do, then I can see why the confusion. Take a look at things without this. Does it look different?

DII

Very confusing stuff. I think everyone here is speaking the truth for their situation. There is no right or wrong answer.

sam79

Last time my ABF threatened suicide if i didnt go see him at his house, i ignored him.
I knew he wouldnt do it, it was pure blackmail.
I have no regrets about doing it and would do it again no problem.
If he wants to die thats his choice.
Harsh but true.