MelinaArt

Tonight I was thinking about all of the abuse my family has put me through. I have confronted them about it, and have asked them to (at the very least) question their responsibility in their addictions. They have chosen the path of denial.

I left my family of origin for good 5 years ago. They are in California, and I am now in Chicago. Every once in a while I really want them to know who I am and where I am and what I am up to. But they have never cared about anything beyond the end of their noses.

I left them because I know they will never respect me, and I can't make them understand the way I see things. I also can't allow them to treat me the way they do, so our contact is EXTREMELY limited.

But, of course, sometimes I miss them. And I really want them to care about where I am and what I'm doing. I'm doing so well in my life, and I want them to be proud, but they never have been. I've been going through so many wonderful milestones: I got engaged, graduated from college and started grad school, I got pregnant and unfortunately lost the baby, and I have a wonderful job. I just want them to be proud of me.

Does anyone else have this experience with their Alcoholic families?

I know I made the right choice in drawing boundaries, but it just sucks that I didn't get the love I deserved from my family.

I know I just need to be proud of myself and to focus on the wonderful people who are now in my life who ARE proud of me. But I do wish my family of origin cared.

EEk.

Cheese

MelinaArt, I can so relate to this. My family is in SERIOUS denial. They have no clue and of course, it isn't our job to "fix" them.

However, it makes it hard. I'm constantly referred to as 'distant', 'unloving', 'aloof'. It isn't that. It is just that I can't play the games anymore. I've tried to talk to them, tried to get honest and real with them. They want nothing to do with it. I've stepped out of the bounds and I'm not playing by their rules.

It's really hard.

I don't think I hate my family, per se. I love them but I don't like them.

I know how you feel, Kiddo. I'm right there with you.

Hugs,

Cheese

sailorjohn

WELCOME!!!

Can't say that I hate my family, but growing up in that environment sure caused a lot of damage. We aren't close. My older brother and I were inseparable until we reached puberty, haven't talked to him in maybe 5 years, he has never met my son, now 18, even though we live about 45 minutes apart, and neither of us have left the area. He is/was a practicing alcoholic. My three sisters and I aren't close, two of them moved out of the area, one to Cleveland and one to NYC. Yeah, it sucks.

MelinaArt

Thanks for the response. I know my family thinks I'm "cold" and "aloof", too, but that's just how it's gotta be so I can protect myself.

You're right. I don't really hate my family either, but I was just feeling the intensity of the lameness of having a family who doesn't care about me.

I've tried "getting real" with my family, too. Their reaction has always been that I'm speaking Chinese to them; they do not understand what I'm talking about.

Denial is SO intense. I've always been the only one who isn't in denial. Ever since I was really little. I've always been the one to make waves.

Thanks for your response!!!

Cheese

Awwwww, Kiddo -

I wish you were my sister.

I know what you mean. Every holiday, family get together etc. I feel like this:

One thing about recovery, is that you don't realize that while you are getting healthy - people you love think you're getting crazy. I'm so sorry. I know my family thinks I'm distant. They've even told me so. I've tried to explain but like you said, it is like speaking Chinese. We couldn't have understood it when we were in denial either. At least we've been rescued from that mire.

Hang in there. You aren't alone.

Hugs,
Cheese

Eleison

Boundaries are tough to negotiate.
Now, I have contact with my parents. But there was a time where I had to really set things out clearly, as they'd phone me all the time, buy all my food for me... limit my choices. In effect not give me any space of my own or individual identity of my own.
Although my situation is different in some respects, I can relate and understand.

Ago

After living apart from my family for over twenty years, I moved back a few years ago to help them out, get my mother retired, help my sister with her baby....within maybe six months I was barking mad, within a year I was "biting" mad

in those twenty years, I found I had created a "new" family, one I chose.

I recently returned to what I consider my "real" family, "those people up there" are related to me by blood, but I now choose "my family" by things like love, integrity, mental health, validation, how much they are "truly on my side" and while I had to "become" those things in order to "earn" those things, my family is here.

it is what it is, but today, I choose mental health, I choose healthy people, I choose people who "see" me, I choose people who actually know the meaning of love and what that entails (love is action not what comes out of your mouth) I choose people who tell me the truth, I choose people who teach me to heal myself, not hurt me then give me a band aid.

I am sorry for your difficulty, and I understand and empathize but this is how I did it, and it's OK.

londonvanpelt

I can totally relate to what you are saying. In fact, I just discussed this with a friend yesterday. I have to limit what I tell my family because they always find a way to sabotage my success. It's really weird. My therapist recommended the book, Toxic Parents. My family has called me a snob because I want better things for my life. Sometimes I don't like to see how they really are because it is heartbreaking, but the truth shall set me free. My therapist advised me to do the opposite of whatever my family tells me to do. I'm glad you have built a happy life whether your family approves or not.

mushroom

(((Melina)))

I tell people that I don't have any family.

Which is not entirely untrue.

The people who were supposed to be mother and brothers to me are all still alive, but they never did fill those roles in any but the most minimal sense. I truly do not have any family as they have never acted like family. They don't know how. I lived in the same house with them until I was 18 but I wasn't a part of that family. I wouldn't play their dysfunctional little games even as a preschooler.

Some of those people who look at you like you're crazy when you explain that you're not close to your family, are themselves in denial about their own families. Others simply can't imagine how bad an unhealthy family can be, having had a healthy supportive loving family themselves.

I've been told that alcoholic parents often react the worst when someone says they're not close to their own parents. This is a great fear for many alcoholic parents it seems, that their children will cut them off for their behavior. So to have someone say they dont' talk to their parents, is their greatest fear displayed before them.

You can't change them. Your best defense against further insanity is to do what you have done - cut the ties.

Don't waste any of your precious energy hating them or worrying about them or anything. Just get on with your life. You can be open to a reconciliation if the opportunity presents itself, if it seems like they've grown up any.

Mine really don't care about me or what I do either. I'm a total stranger to them, always have been. They shoved me into the role they wanted me to fill and never noticed that I don't fill it. They have their image of me, and that's all they want, not the reality.

My own mother forgets my birthday, except in relationship to my brother's birthday, and not even then sometimes.

coyote21

Man I always get great ideas from SR and Alanon. I'm an only child of an only child. Mom and all relatives I grew up /w are dead. My Dad, who hauled ass when I was 2, and I've only spent a little time with over the last 50 yrs is 77 and lives across country.

Since I've got a 7 yo dd now and went thru this whole "divorcing an AW, living w/ active alcoholism" thing in the last several years I kind of feel baptized by fire. Around a year ago I called "dad" (I'm 56, and went once again to the hardware store for bread) to let him know what's been transpiring in my life, just to try and let him be a part of dd's life. It was the holidays and all, apparently the holidays make me stupid! We talked but I've never heard back. Part of what I told him was we'd lost home, got the feeling he thought I was "after something".

You know, if he couldn't father me ever, why would he suddenly be able to grandfather dd? My bad.

Anyway, when ever the subject comes up I always feel awkward with the whole "well my dad lives in Ca but we don't speak" thing.

From now on, "I don't have any family". Reality is I don't.

Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug
Coyote

justjo

Hi Mel,

Its that time of the year for me too. Christmas and all of a sudden Im being called (again) what are we doing christmas day?
Well this year we decided nothing - we are going away for the first time leaving all to fend for themselves.
I felt really guilty at first, but thought hang on, my year this year. It is hard at times and Im the same too, I would speak to my brother twice a year and he lives 10 minutes away, I dont talk to my mum unless I call her, my sister is in LaLa land, my dad died years ago and always felt like a dysfunctional family. You know everyone blamed everyone else for their problems and no one took responsibility but guess what (what has Jo organized for this year) its the same every year and Ive had enough.
I wish I could be one of those happy families but its not because I cant change the family. My hub, has the perfect family and I use to resent that. (how selfish is that) I wanted it too. His family just dont have any issues and get along or they just dont talk about it. I feel like the outcast sometimes.
But you know, Ive thought about this alot over the years and I do believe that my family doesnt want it to be a nice family because they dont make the effort, therefore, I just accept thats the way it is. Ive been playing this game all these years and now, someone else can make the effort and invite me over for once.

coyote21

Doesn't being married to him kind of make you their DIL? Maybe feeling like the out cast is on you? I don't know. It's just if they're THAT "normal", you know?. Please no offense meant.

Man I know you definately sp? marry the whole family. If I'm EVER blessed with my 4th (I know, I know) wife man I'm gonna do some things differently this time. I'll also take a long hard look at her family, and if they look like your description of your Hub's....count me in. Also I "owe" 7yo dd a good mom, God knows, and I've apoligized to her about that, I screwed up BIG time.

They will be my happy NEW family, and I'll do whatever it takes to make them glad I'm there. Theoretically the "new and improved" (12 stepped) ME will be enough!

Also, for saying F'em to your mess of a family, hot damn, I think you "get it". What do they say down there? Good on ya'! :ghug3

Thanks and God bless us all, :praying
Coyote

coyote21

I know this is serious business and no place for levity, NO LAUGHING PLEASE. But damn that's funny.

I always said my AXW's family look like "chickens watchin' a card trick" when I futilely attempt to "get real", ha!

Oh and yes, THE DENIAL. That's scary stuff, been there myself. Still go there from time to time.

Hey thanks and God bless us all, :praying
Coyote