Are They Supposed To Be Telling Him This??
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Are They Supposed To Be Telling Him This??
My boyfriend and I haven't been together very long; our relationship and his sobriety happened at about the same time (August). In that short time, he has attended an inpatient rehab, is attending AA meetings, and is now living in a sober living home. Throughout all this, I've been supportive and given him space when he needed it and someone to talk to when he needed that. I told him from the start that I realize this is a huge thing, especially since he is 21 and feels he "should" drink because of his age. Throughout, I've told him that I realize this is, for all intents and purposes, him fighting for his life. That I in no way expect him to place me above that or to in any other way choose me over his sobriety.
It all went well, relatively speaking. But now he's telling me that he needs space, which I'd already told him I was fine giving him. After talking about it, he admitted that it is his house mates who are telling him he needs space, and he can't have a girlfriend in early sobriety, it just doesn't work. Is this true? I feel like I've been supportive and non judgmental. I think as a girlfriend of such a short relationship, I've been doing well with him. And he thought the same, until they told him that. Now he doesn't know what to think and feels overwhelmed with what they are telling him, what he wants, and what he needs to do. He has mentioned not liking feeling so emotional about all of this because it makes him want to "escape". So I backed off, because I assume stress isn't a good thing for him.
But I'm just wondering if this is true? I don't want to do anything to jeopardize his sobriety. But at the same time, he's told me he's trying to "fight" the guys' and house leaders' suggestions about me and now he's starting to wonder if they are right. I guess I'm just wondering if I should take his/their advice and end it or stick by him anyway? He's doing great, and I was prepared to stick by him, but not if it's going to be bad for him. I thought having a non-addicted supporter would help, but am I wrong? I just want to do the right thing by him.
It all went well, relatively speaking. But now he's telling me that he needs space, which I'd already told him I was fine giving him. After talking about it, he admitted that it is his house mates who are telling him he needs space, and he can't have a girlfriend in early sobriety, it just doesn't work. Is this true? I feel like I've been supportive and non judgmental. I think as a girlfriend of such a short relationship, I've been doing well with him. And he thought the same, until they told him that. Now he doesn't know what to think and feels overwhelmed with what they are telling him, what he wants, and what he needs to do. He has mentioned not liking feeling so emotional about all of this because it makes him want to "escape". So I backed off, because I assume stress isn't a good thing for him.
But I'm just wondering if this is true? I don't want to do anything to jeopardize his sobriety. But at the same time, he's told me he's trying to "fight" the guys' and house leaders' suggestions about me and now he's starting to wonder if they are right. I guess I'm just wondering if I should take his/their advice and end it or stick by him anyway? He's doing great, and I was prepared to stick by him, but not if it's going to be bad for him. I thought having a non-addicted supporter would help, but am I wrong? I just want to do the right thing by him.
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Yes, in recovery addicts are told that they should not embark on new relationships for the first year. This is the time they need to focus on THEMSELVES.
If I were you I would back off. Not trying to hurt your feelings but just being honest. This isnt about you this is about him. He needs to do this for himself. Find some posts on here about recovery and relationships. If you are just starting to date then it should be put off until he can work through this. Even in marriage and family recovery plays a huge role and takes a strong partner to detach and allow the addict the space they need to take care of themselves.
It may sound harsh but if you care about this person you will put your feelings aside and think of the greater good for him. Especially if his housemates are telling him that he should be alone right now. They probably see things you dont see right now. Maybe they have noticed that he is not completely focused on his recovery because he is thinking about you. If that is the case then they are only trying to help a fellow recovering addict see the bigger picture.
You didnt cause it
You cant change it
and You cant cure it........
If I were you I would back off. Not trying to hurt your feelings but just being honest. This isnt about you this is about him. He needs to do this for himself. Find some posts on here about recovery and relationships. If you are just starting to date then it should be put off until he can work through this. Even in marriage and family recovery plays a huge role and takes a strong partner to detach and allow the addict the space they need to take care of themselves.
It may sound harsh but if you care about this person you will put your feelings aside and think of the greater good for him. Especially if his housemates are telling him that he should be alone right now. They probably see things you dont see right now. Maybe they have noticed that he is not completely focused on his recovery because he is thinking about you. If that is the case then they are only trying to help a fellow recovering addict see the bigger picture.
You didnt cause it
You cant change it
and You cant cure it........
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it's "suggested" that no new major decisions for the first year, which to me is hogwash because everything is a a new major decision the first year.
It's just there to try to keep people from shaving their heads and selling their house, alcoholics are as insane their first year or more so then while they were drinking in my opinions and observations.
Over time that became "no new relationships" the first year in order to keep the focus on recovery, all sorts of insanity happens when people get in relationships within their first year. I have vast experience with that both as a participant and a sponsor. rarely ends well but truthfully it's none of my business. Your escape clause should you need it, is you were together before he got sober.
OK, here is "the party line" this is important,
I believe this is page 69 of "The Big Book"
be a big hit at sober parties and astound his friends and roomies, who are all brand new as well, House leaders usually have less then 18 months sobriety tops, and as such, it's "the blind leading the blind" so here, hit them all with this quote:
This is "the party line"
Your boyfriends sex life is none of their F'ing business
period
as long as he places his sobriety above his relationship with you, because without sobriety there will soon be no "you" and you are OK with that....it's no one else's business, he's not in sex and love addicts anonymous, he's in alcoholics anonymous.
I swear all the "rules" they have now, they wouldn't have let the two co founders in the program, Bill Wilson would have had to dump his wife Lois, and she would have never founded alanon.
/sigh
page 69 of "the Big Book"
learn it
live it
love it
feel free to cut copy and paste this and send this to your boyfriend in an email, if any of his "housemates" have a question I'll be happy to answer them.
go get em hon
It's just there to try to keep people from shaving their heads and selling their house, alcoholics are as insane their first year or more so then while they were drinking in my opinions and observations.
Over time that became "no new relationships" the first year in order to keep the focus on recovery, all sorts of insanity happens when people get in relationships within their first year. I have vast experience with that both as a participant and a sponsor. rarely ends well but truthfully it's none of my business. Your escape clause should you need it, is you were together before he got sober.
OK, here is "the party line" this is important,
I believe this is page 69 of "The Big Book"
be a big hit at sober parties and astound his friends and roomies, who are all brand new as well, House leaders usually have less then 18 months sobriety tops, and as such, it's "the blind leading the blind" so here, hit them all with this quote:
Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn't the right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?
and
God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice
and
God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice
Your boyfriends sex life is none of their F'ing business
period
as long as he places his sobriety above his relationship with you, because without sobriety there will soon be no "you" and you are OK with that....it's no one else's business, he's not in sex and love addicts anonymous, he's in alcoholics anonymous.
I swear all the "rules" they have now, they wouldn't have let the two co founders in the program, Bill Wilson would have had to dump his wife Lois, and she would have never founded alanon.
/sigh
page 69 of "the Big Book"
learn it
live it
love it
feel free to cut copy and paste this and send this to your boyfriend in an email, if any of his "housemates" have a question I'll be happy to answer them.
go get em hon
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Thank you. That makes sense. I just feel like, I don't want to break up with him if that's not what he wants and will make him feel worse. But at the same time, I don't want to stay with him if it's going to make him worse anyway. I feel like whatever decision I make, it will be bad for him. And he keeps refusing to make a decision because he says if he ends it, he will feel bad and can't take the disappointment. But at the same time, doesn't want to stay if it will jeopardize his sobriety. I guess what I'm really wondering is if I should let him make the choice or do it for him??
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Originally Posted by perfumejunky 
My boyfriend and I haven't been together very long; our relationship and his sobriety happened at about the same time (August). In that short time, he has attended an inpatient rehab, is attending AA meetings, and is now living in a sober living home. Throughout all this, I've been supportive and given him space when he needed it and someone to talk to when he needed that. I told him from the start that I realize this is a huge thing, especially since he is 21 and feels he "should" drink because of his age. Throughout, I've told him that I realize this is, for all intents and purposes, him fighting for his life. That I in no way expect him to place me above that or to in any other way choose me over his sobriety.
It all went well, relatively speaking. But now he's telling me that he needs space, which I'd already told him I was fine giving him. After talking about it, he admitted that it is his house mates who are telling him he needs space, and he can't have a girlfriend in early sobriety, it just doesn't work. Is this true? I feel like I've been supportive and non judgmental. I think as a girlfriend of such a short relationship, I've been doing well with him. And he thought the same, until they told him that. Now he doesn't know what to think and feels overwhelmed with what they are telling him, what he wants, and what he needs to do. He has mentioned not liking feeling so emotional about all of this because it makes him want to "escape". So I backed off, because I assume stress isn't a good thing for him.
But I'm just wondering if this is true? I don't want to do anything to jeopardize his sobriety. But at the same time, he's told me he's trying to "fight" the guys' and house leaders' suggestions about me and now he's starting to wonder if they are right. I guess I'm just wondering if I should take his/their advice and end it or stick by him anyway? He's doing great, and I was prepared to stick by him, but not if it's going to be bad for him. I thought having a non-addicted supporter would help, but am I wrong? I just want to do the right thing by him.
It all went well, relatively speaking. But now he's telling me that he needs space, which I'd already told him I was fine giving him. After talking about it, he admitted that it is his house mates who are telling him he needs space, and he can't have a girlfriend in early sobriety, it just doesn't work. Is this true? I feel like I've been supportive and non judgmental. I think as a girlfriend of such a short relationship, I've been doing well with him. And he thought the same, until they told him that. Now he doesn't know what to think and feels overwhelmed with what they are telling him, what he wants, and what he needs to do. He has mentioned not liking feeling so emotional about all of this because it makes him want to "escape". So I backed off, because I assume stress isn't a good thing for him.
But I'm just wondering if this is true? I don't want to do anything to jeopardize his sobriety. But at the same time, he's told me he's trying to "fight" the guys' and house leaders' suggestions about me and now he's starting to wonder if they are right. I guess I'm just wondering if I should take his/their advice and end it or stick by him anyway? He's doing great, and I was prepared to stick by him, but not if it's going to be bad for him. I thought having a non-addicted supporter would help, but am I wrong? I just want to do the right thing by him.
WELCOME!!!
If you truly care about his recovery, would suggest you defer to the professionals suggestions. If he's there for you down the road, it was meant to be.
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House leaders in "Sober living environments" aren't professionals, they are in early sobriety as well.
just kinda fyi
if it had been in his rehab and would have been a trained professional my response would have been different but after watching "the three blind mice" version of sobriety for years...
the quotes are there, that is the party line.
what's his sponsor say?
Sailorjohn is right about this
just kinda fyi
if it had been in his rehab and would have been a trained professional my response would have been different but after watching "the three blind mice" version of sobriety for years...
the quotes are there, that is the party line.
what's his sponsor say?
If he's there for you down the road, it was meant to be.
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Originally Posted by perfumejunky
I guess what I'm really wondering is if I should let him make the choice or do it for him??
Please understand that your bf has been dealing with life by not dealing with it. Feel happy? Drink. Feel depressed? Drink. Feel confused? Drink. Just don't "feel" feelings. The poor guy's brains were probably scrambled eggs for a long time. Not dealing with life is how A's deal with life.
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I am with Ago on this one. The "no relationships in the first year" crowd has their head in their butt as far as I am concerned. This is no where in the big book. This is rehab industry speak IMO.
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Originally Posted by perfumejunky
I feel like whatever decision I make, it will be bad for him.
Originally Posted by perfumejunky
I guess what I'm really wondering is if I should let him make the choice or do it for him??
My question for you is what do you want for you? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who will be having his own lifelong battles with addiction? He may be successful. He may not. At this point in a way that is irrelevant to my question. What do you want in this or any other relationship? What are you getting out of this relationship that makes you consider staying in it? What good things and bad things do you see happening if you stay and if you leave?
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here is the party line on sponsorship
What should a newcomer expect from a sponsor?
An A.A. sponsor does not provide any such services as those offered by a social
worker, a doctor, a nurse, or a marriage counselor. A sponsor is simply a sober alcoholic who
helps the newcomer solve one problem: how to stay sober.
And it is not professional training that enables a sponsor to give help - it is just
personal experience and observation.
from questions and answers about sponsorship
What should a newcomer expect from a sponsor?
An A.A. sponsor does not provide any such services as those offered by a social
worker, a doctor, a nurse, or a marriage counselor. A sponsor is simply a sober alcoholic who
helps the newcomer solve one problem: how to stay sober.
And it is not professional training that enables a sponsor to give help - it is just
personal experience and observation.
from questions and answers about sponsorship
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Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
It has been my own personal observation being around the rooms of AA since 1986 that those who attempt relationships the first year of sobriety don't fare very well in recovery.
Just my two cents.
Just my two cents.
thank you for your experience freedom
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by Ago
that's actually been my experience as well, the point I was trying to make is we are not however, trained marriage counselors in AA, and have no business giving relationship advice other then that of our own experience, not something we saw on TV or some "knee jerk" response to a given situation.
thank you for your experience freedom
thank you for your experience freedom
I was just relating what I have seen, and God knows I had to find that one out the hard way myself after I threw 4 years recovery out the window over a relationship!
I don't care to repeat that experience!
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I look at the question of whether getting into a relationship in early recovery is good/bad from my perspective. I consider myself well into my recovery from codependency but have areas I still need to work hard on. I have been in recovery for 18 months or so. I know that I am no where near ready for a new relationship because I know I have work to do on me. I cannot get into a new relationship because it would not be fair to the other person. I don't know yet who I will be 6 mos, a year from now. I still have to concentrate on me and therefore cannot give all I would want to give to a new relationship.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
I am just really struck by how this whole question is framed - "Do I let him break up with me or not. I want to do what's right for him."
It's as if you are under the impression that you have the final say. And you are trying to ascertain what's right for both of you.
The truth is that he has as much say as you do. And from what it sounds like, he is telling you he needs time to think through some stuff. It doesn't sound like you are actually hearing him.
I think, if I were you, and I had a boyfriend in recovery and he told me he was confused about whether to continue our relationship or not, it would be pretty clear what my response was. I would not want to be with someone who was unclear if they wanted to be with me. I hope I wouldn't take offense, knowing that his priorities were really focused on sobriety right now and it was not a personal rejection of me. But I would hope that I would be able to hear that, at this point in his recovery, he needed space.
I mean, isn't that what he is saying? He doesn't know, isn't clear, is struggling?
I would give him the space, and live my own life. On my own timetable. If you find someone else while he is in recovery, that is your business. If you don't and he finds himself becoming clear on the issue again, and you still want to be with him, then you have that joy again.
Essentially, I think what I'm trying to say (and hopefully I'm not doing so too harshly) is that he has already effectively pulled himself outside of the relationship by saying he's confused about whether or not to continue it and whether it's a threat to his sobriety and recovery. And your continued consternation about whether or not to let him break up with you is rather mute.
Again, I hope I'm not being harsh here. I know it must be hard. I don't deny that. Just thought since I was having a pretty strong reaction when reading the thread that I should share it. I know that my perspective is very colored by my own experiences.
It's as if you are under the impression that you have the final say. And you are trying to ascertain what's right for both of you.
The truth is that he has as much say as you do. And from what it sounds like, he is telling you he needs time to think through some stuff. It doesn't sound like you are actually hearing him.
I think, if I were you, and I had a boyfriend in recovery and he told me he was confused about whether to continue our relationship or not, it would be pretty clear what my response was. I would not want to be with someone who was unclear if they wanted to be with me. I hope I wouldn't take offense, knowing that his priorities were really focused on sobriety right now and it was not a personal rejection of me. But I would hope that I would be able to hear that, at this point in his recovery, he needed space.
I mean, isn't that what he is saying? He doesn't know, isn't clear, is struggling?
I would give him the space, and live my own life. On my own timetable. If you find someone else while he is in recovery, that is your business. If you don't and he finds himself becoming clear on the issue again, and you still want to be with him, then you have that joy again.
Essentially, I think what I'm trying to say (and hopefully I'm not doing so too harshly) is that he has already effectively pulled himself outside of the relationship by saying he's confused about whether or not to continue it and whether it's a threat to his sobriety and recovery. And your continued consternation about whether or not to let him break up with you is rather mute.
Again, I hope I'm not being harsh here. I know it must be hard. I don't deny that. Just thought since I was having a pretty strong reaction when reading the thread that I should share it. I know that my perspective is very colored by my own experiences.
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Lots of good, albeit sometimes conflicting advice above.
I also agree with mle........I personally don't have any interest in being with someone who is thinking, "I don't know if I want to be with you or not right now." I have done that and it felt forced and artificial.
What does your heart tell you?
You might try a middle path, a trial separation for a few weeks or months. If he manages to stay sober and has some time to clear his mind, you may learn whether this is a relationship in which you're going to be valued & cherished or not.
advice above.I also agree with mle........I personally don't have any interest in being with someone who is thinking, "I don't know if I want to be with you or not right now." I have done that and it felt forced and artificial.
What does your heart tell you?
You might try a middle path, a trial separation for a few weeks or months. If he manages to stay sober and has some time to clear his mind, you may learn whether this is a relationship in which you're going to be valued & cherished or not.
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This is a wonderful thread, so many good responses to a very common question (and controversy).
One of my favorite books on recovery said that in the first several months or year of recovery that the addict and "spouse" need to achieve emotional distance from each other. That only by each finding his/her own solid grounding in recovery and in personhood, finding true autonomy apart from the often unhealthy entwining of addict/codependent, is a successful relationship in the long term possible.
This, of course, frightens the "spouse", for the worst fear of the spouse is that she will lose the addict during this time of emotional distance.
If both persons do decide to do their own individual work, and maintain that emotional distance, then the work later will be to achieve a comfortable, mature intimacy, which can be as challenging for both as the period of emotional distance.
It is work, plain and simple, and any underestimation of the time and sacrifice involved will likely lead to a relationship ending. This is very serious, this disease, it is life or death, and although I myself had a hard time putting the relationship second to the addict's best shot at sobriety, the fact is, whether he was with me or not mattered not at all. What mattered was that he did not die. The disease is a fatal one.
I would step back and allow him to listen to every word the recovering community says to him and to follow instructions. Too much is at stake for him.
And I agree with SJ: if you are destined to share a life together, that will happen and according to God's time, not yours.
One of my favorite books on recovery said that in the first several months or year of recovery that the addict and "spouse" need to achieve emotional distance from each other. That only by each finding his/her own solid grounding in recovery and in personhood, finding true autonomy apart from the often unhealthy entwining of addict/codependent, is a successful relationship in the long term possible.
This, of course, frightens the "spouse", for the worst fear of the spouse is that she will lose the addict during this time of emotional distance.
If both persons do decide to do their own individual work, and maintain that emotional distance, then the work later will be to achieve a comfortable, mature intimacy, which can be as challenging for both as the period of emotional distance.
It is work, plain and simple, and any underestimation of the time and sacrifice involved will likely lead to a relationship ending. This is very serious, this disease, it is life or death, and although I myself had a hard time putting the relationship second to the addict's best shot at sobriety, the fact is, whether he was with me or not mattered not at all. What mattered was that he did not die. The disease is a fatal one.
I would step back and allow him to listen to every word the recovering community says to him and to follow instructions. Too much is at stake for him.
And I agree with SJ: if you are destined to share a life together, that will happen and according to God's time, not yours.
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Thank you bluejay you put that in a way that I guess we tend to overlook alot. Maybe that is where so much of my pain comes from is that in order to truly love this person and myself I had to walk away. Because his recovery is life or death. Not mine. I am recovering from a broken dream that will live again. He is fighting for his very life.
I believe GOD gave me the courage for both of us to say enough is enough and allow HIM to work it out.
I believe GOD gave me the courage for both of us to say enough is enough and allow HIM to work it out.
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