Blackrose56

Haven't been around in a long time. Long story short, left my ex and moved back to AZ in 2005. Would hear about him now and again and knew he wasn't doing. well. On Thanksgiving last year his youngest daughter (19) died of a crack overdose. I sent a condolence card and heard nothing. Then in May of this year, he called me. Didn't say too much other than he wasn't dealing well with her death. And we left it at that. A month later he called me to say he'd found an "angel" and he was going to marry her. And after that he called off and on to one day say he knew she was using him and he'd made a mistake. Next week, he was going to marry her...on and on. I had always hoped that one day he'd want to get clean and sober again and he'd call me. Well, 3 weeks ago now, I get a call in the middle of the night. He's drunk and as the story unfolds, this woman has thrown him out. Turns out he met her in a bar. He was lonely and didn't want to live on his own and she took him in. She is on disability for SEVERE mental problems and is a drug addict herself. She had nothing in her apartment and he bought tv, stereo and other things. They fight constantly and to "make up" he offers to marry her. Well, on this night she had thrown him out the week before. She was done "using" him and he had tried to commit suicide. He was released from the hospital and decided he wanted what we USED to have. He told me all about her. He said he was ONLY with her because he needed free room and board. And that he knows she was a mistake. And if he could get it together could he come out here. I told him if he was serious and got a ticket, we would see. This was the call I'd been waiting for. And he promised to call the next week. I heard nothing and last Tuesday I read where he had applied for a marriage license with her. Now I know that he's an addict. MUCH Worse than when we were together. HE has now progressed to drinking/drugging 24/7. And he is NOT the man I loved. But it still hurts that he would want to marry someone he does NOT love. That he would give up me...for her. I know he's using her...she's using him. It's what ADDICTS do. I know this. But why does it still hurt. His voice was the man I remembered....but again...he has changed. He no longer feels anything. He uses people for what he can get. And doesn't care who he hurts. Including me. I took marriage as a commitment. And it's obvious he does not. And that is why this hurts so badly. What we had was commitment, caring and respect...love. And I can't get that out of my head. What he wants NOW is a roof over his head and his willing to marry someone to get that.

Why can't I get it into my heart that this is NO longer the man I knew?

lovesmenot74

I wish I had some great, insightful message to send you ... I'm sure someone who more emotionally together than me will be able to help you put things into perspective ... I just wanted to give you a cyberhug ... (((( )))) I'm sorry you're still hurting ...

mjpaao

(( Blackrose ))
It's so hard to give up on those we love. My ah left 5 years ago . I found out he was having an affair, then found out he was a crack addict. In that time he has lost his family business, which at one time was extremely profitable. The amount of money he has been through is mind blowing, to say the least. He has lost everything. And yet, I can't divorce him. I have been to 4 different lawyers, and dropped the case each time.
He has recently gotten a job, agf is in rehab. He has charges pending for possesion. I have a drawer full of tax bills that I can't pay. My savings are almost gone. He comes here on the weekends and works in our small field out back, usually he doesn't bother to say hello, just does what he wants or gets what he needs, and leaves. And yet I just cannot divorce this man.
If anyone else told me this story, I'm sure I would think they were totally nuts not to move on. BlackRose, at least you were brave enough to file. You certainly have done a much better job with dealing with the situation!!!
I wish I had answers for both of us, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way. It's so hard to understand that the man we love is not the same man he used to be. Prayers going up for you tonight, ((BlackRose))

mooselips

Blackrose,
Unfortunately addiction is progressive, and it just sounds like he is spiraling down farther and farther.

It is NOT that he doesn't want you.
He HAS to have someone that will continue to enable him in his lifestyle,
and that's not you.

His choices are not based on him living a sober life in recovery, they're based on his continue to use 24/7.

You are worth alot more than this fellow.



Hugs.....