Eleison

I guess why I'm here is slightly different to most. I've always been an 'outsider' but maybe I've found a safe haven for this stage in my journey. I hope so.
I guess it could be called co-dependence. I guess it's an addiction.
But I've never touched alcohol or drugs. I've never even smoked.
Hear me out, though, before you reject me.

The truth is, I've spent years rejecting myself. After the bullying and the abuse in my childhood and adolescence came a whole bundle of toxic inner scripting. A whole dangerous pattern of "How Ill I am" and tearing myself apart. Re-enactment of the anguish of my youth. Because I didn't know anything else.

Know I know different. I know compassion, I know acceptance.

But still I have a split off state of mind that labels and abuses me mercilessly at times.
Yes, I've self harmed.
Yes, I've medicated myself more than I should - although technically not overdoses, still medicating myself to numb feelings and shut me further off from reality.

I'm here to work on Becoming Who I Really Am. Without the labels. Without throwing more and more diagnoses at myself. [or using the ones I have to torture myself].

You may have figured by now that emotional abuse was predominant in my family. Along with emotional neglect. But those are just words. Truth is, both my parents struggled with untreated depression. My father would rant and rage and drink. My mother would be submissive and nasty in return. I was the child caught in the middle.
It could so much have gone the other way. I could have developed difficulties with alcohol myself. But I fell into another pit - the hell of self hatred and self abuse of many kinds.

I am at the stage in my life now ready to focus on recovery and finding MYSELF. Treasuring her. And not shutting others out.

I hope it's ok for me to be here.

sailorjohn

WELCOME!!!


Of course it's okay. A lot of support here, and if you hang out long enough, you'll probably hear most of your story posted by someone else.

Aysha

Everyone is welcome here.
This is not just a place for addicts ..It has many levels. With a whole bunch of caring..understanding..supportive people.
Glad you are here.

Ananda

glad you are here...you did mention




even perscribed drugs can be abused.

Like I said glad you are here :bounce

shanman422

Welcome!

Stubborn1

This is a place for hurts, habits or hang-ups.

An addiction is anything that could possibly harm you or anyone around you.

You fit right in.

adore79

Hi and welcome.

Anna

Hi and Big Welcome,

I'm glad you found us and that you are seeking help.

Many of us have issues that we are dealing with from our childhood. I think you will find lots of support and information.

Mattcake

Welcome eleison

I can relate so much, the stage set up for my drinking was very similar to what you've described. You're very fortunate, in a way. Not only because you managed to eschew chemical dependance... but because you are willing and able to address these issues.

And that "her" you mentioned... that person. She deserves peace and relief. She's like all of us: unique, irreplaceable and necessary

four812

hi Eleison

welcome to SR

you wrote: thanks for stating that. I too am practicing to let go of the labels that i have internalized.

least

Everyone who struggles is welcome here. We all have our battles and it's easier to face our demons with the support of friends.

There are many forums here on many different subjects. Read and post as you like. Much insight and compassion to gain from this international family.

Glad you're here!:ghug3

Eleison

Thank you so so much everyone, for the warm and sincere welcome. It means so much to me. I appreciate it deeply.
It is just so... nurturing to hear such acceptance and connectedness.

I've just discovered that I've grown away from an online forum that I've been very involved in for the past 3 years. This is a big big step for me. There feels to be lots of space here for expressing my feelings safely, and for speaking my truth and being respected.