blessed4x

My AH decided to get mouthy with me the other night and asked me what he did to deserve to be treated like he is (I'm assuming he's referring to my detachment). I started to get into it with him, but came to my senses and retreated to the other room. My boundary is not to engage in conversation when he is drinking (any amount....even one beer), which is pretty much all of the time.

So, I was thinking about it and decided to put pen to paper and came up with pages of things that I have allowed to go on in my home that I am angry about. Everything from being flipped off through the bedroom window as I was backing out of the driveway to him telling the kids that if the dog barked one more time he would barbeque her for dinner. That just touches the surface....and I take full responsibility for my part in allowing it to continue, each time thinking it might be the last.

I'm not considering sharing it with him because I know he would have an excuse or denial for each item, but wondered what I should do. I've thought about saving it to remember how things really were when I start to romanticize. I also though it might be good to burn it, and scatter the ashes......sort of a burial of the past. I knew you all were a creative bunch, and thought you might have some ideas or input that would help me heal and move on.

CatsnDogs4Me

Funny that you mention this because my AH & I went through an exercise similar to that a few weeks ago & are going through another tonight. I know I have a hard time letting go of past hurts & resentments. So, I suggested (and he agreed) that we each write down a list of all those past hurts & resentments that we feel the other has caused us. We got together one night & agreed to put the past behind us, folded up our lists & tossed them in the fireplace. AH wanted to share his with me, but I said I didn't think we should share b/c that's just rubbing salt in the wound, and that's not what this is about. Anyway, we shared that with our marriage counselor, who thought it was a great idea. She asked us to take it one step further, though. (And speaking of steps, I learned this is very much like step 4 of the 12 steps.) She asked that we each write down a list of things we think caused pain to the other person & for which we'd like to apologize for. She said we should share this list with each other but that neither of us is allowed to say anything while reading the other's list. Then, we toss it in the fire & put it behind us, too. As a reward to ourselves for doing this, we're going to dinner afterward. (Oh, and BTW I'm driving, so if he starts drinking I can leave at any time I feel uncomfortable.) I still don't know where AH & I will end up in the future, but at least we're working on putting the past behind us.

Missy

I could have written the first paragraph myself...

however, I in the past have recorded him "live" with a recorder n my pocket, written a journal on only all the bad stuff he does and says... then it made my anxiety rise to a point of insane.

Then my sponsor recommended the "graditude list"
it has been working somewhat.. but I have not yetl got rid of the other documentations of his intoxicated moments... (mostly always)

I havent gone back at all, since the recordings and journal... but in case there is any violence.. I will have documentation

Chrysalis123

I have a list like that. I read it when I forget what it was really like to live with him. Perhaps you could make 2 lists and do both things?

denny57

I committed a lot of things to paper. Some are gone now, some I've kept. I'm not even vaguely interested in re-reading it. I'm saving it, though, in case I need it for my book LOL!

I am a firm believer in writing it out to get it out.

LucyA

I have a diary of everytime I've seen my brother since November 19 2007, the day after his 15th wedding anniversary, the first significant date since his wife died and the day I first phoned social services about my nephew.

The diary has both good and bad, more bad than good, but it helps me remember where 'I' was at that point and where 'I' am now. Theres a world of difference in the recent entries.

It serves two purposes, 1 is to remind me how far I've come (and I still have a long way to go, the 2nd purpose is for my solicitors benefit, true records with times and dates.

It also helps me to read back and see in black and white how crazy a life of addicition is.

GiveLove

I hung on to my list until I knew I didn't need it any more (i.e. I was free of the romanticizing and free of any risk I'd ever go back)

Then I made it into an essay (names changed to protect the innocent) and submitted it to the college writing contest, and won $50.00 For weeks people came up to me and said, "That guy REALLY did that stuff? Wow, what a jerk."

I wouldn't do that again, but at the time it made me smile....... If only to know I wasn't crazy.

Ago

I actually posted mine here, it was my very first post here at SR.

Now, I actually "get sick" if I write spiteful, vindictive stuff about her, or at least about a week ago I wrote some kinda mean stuff, and although it was all true I felt sick to my stomach for like three days.

I still haven't quite learned how to navigate this, I was talking to a good friend about this very thing last night, and he was saying, for him, for example, he can recognize say "alcoholic behavior" and knows enough to just get away from it without getting too in depth about applying a label or making a list of grievances how this person "hurt" him.

like "oh look, alky behavior, gotta go" whereas the situation I was in, by the time I saw what was going on I was so far in I HAD to "make a list" in order to "see" it, but once I got away, I needed to "let that list go" in order not to perpetuate the drama.

It's like, for me, "The List" is in and of itself "poisonous" but it was something I needed to do in order to "get away" but now that I'm gone I need to put it "behind me".

Like I say, I still haven't learned quite where to draw the line, as it's all too fresh, but that list isn't going anywhere, I just don't happen to need it today, but it was a necessary "evil" when I wrote it and helped me get some clarity.

that make sense?

LucyA

That makes sense Ago, in my case I was advised to write fact not feelings, and thats something I stuck with. My diary actually started from the phone call with social services, they asked me for times and dates, how on earth do you remember them if you dont write them down. It did develop into more than facts and included a few feelings at times, now it's just fact of encounters for my solicitor. It still helps when I look back though. I see how much I was involved and thought I wasn't.

Stubborn1

I'm off to get my pen and paper because my rah is really ticking me off today. Grrrrrrrrrrrr

blessed4x

Makes PERFECT sense and once again the boiling frog story comes to mind.

I just "woke up" in the same place wondering.......how in the heck did I get here?! and very soon I hope to be saying "there's no place like home"!

Shivaya

Blessed,

I'm thinkin' you and I married twins...my STBXAH is sooooo filled with anger, and it sounds like your AH is too...

I vote that you keep any and all documentation regarding his alcohol abuse, including your own personal notes to him, etc.

As you know, I am currently going through the divorce process, and I have very limited proof of the drinking (i.e., no DUI's, never been to treatment, NEVER CALLED THE POLICE WHEN I SHOULD HAVE).

The last one is a huge one. I've not gone back and read your history, but in hindsight, there were many instances in my home where a call to the police would have been warranted.

Again, my point is to DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, EVERYTHING!

Shivaya