Need help out of codependency and with a plan to more forward
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
Need help out of codependency and with a plan to more forward
Hi all!!
I think I have posted something similar to this once before.
I wanted to give you all an impression of how my life is right now and see who can relate:
My ah hides his use pretty well. His DOC is cocaine. he was using once or twice a week, but this week it seems to be more because he cant fall asleep at night.
I take the kids to school everyday then i go sub if i have an assignment that day. My ah goes to work almost every day. I take care of the house, the kids, etc. He will pitch in maybe 10%-20% but mainly after work he is on the couch watching tv or on his laptop.
Weekends we dont do much. I clean, food shop, take kids where they need to go, the kids see friends....we may go out to each once in a while. My older daughter is at the age where she deosnt really want to do family things, but i like to get out and do stuff onthe weekend..ijust dont have the extra money to go places and otherwise, what else is there to do besides shop???
I get depressed on weekends, because like i said i like to get out. My family is not close by and i never see his except on holidays. the few friends ihave are usually busy with their families on weekends.
So here is how i feel: I feel like I have lost myself by putting up with drug use. I have compromised my morals, values and who i am and it makes me feel less than. I do not want to be in a marriage with someone who lies, does drugs, doesnt help out all the time and take responsiblity for things.
But, i feel trapped because of the economy, i cannot get a high paying job, my co-depnedency, etc....but i want to move forward..my codependency is sooo strong....i am going to meetings, reading, making phonecalls to members of my group, going to therapy. I try not to start in with my ah because it wont get me anywhere, and i want to have peace in the house but i have such feelings of resentment because of it.
I just want to be able to tell him that because i have lost myself and because i cannot accept his behavior anymore, that we need to seperate and perhaps get divorced. I know this is what i need to do in order to take care of myself. I know this is a toxic and unhealthy relationship, but becuase of my co-dependency, i cant do it.
Can anyone help me with a plan?? i want to go back to school to become a teacher..special ed...but where is the $$ going to come from for that...we have so much debt, i dont want to take out another loan. where am i going o get the strength to take care of myself?? what can be included in my plan so that i keep moving forward...i know that so many of you have gone through so much, and sometimes i almost wish something bad would happen so that i have no choice in the matter but to get out....
thanks for your help.....
I think I have posted something similar to this once before.
I wanted to give you all an impression of how my life is right now and see who can relate:
My ah hides his use pretty well. His DOC is cocaine. he was using once or twice a week, but this week it seems to be more because he cant fall asleep at night.
I take the kids to school everyday then i go sub if i have an assignment that day. My ah goes to work almost every day. I take care of the house, the kids, etc. He will pitch in maybe 10%-20% but mainly after work he is on the couch watching tv or on his laptop.
Weekends we dont do much. I clean, food shop, take kids where they need to go, the kids see friends....we may go out to each once in a while. My older daughter is at the age where she deosnt really want to do family things, but i like to get out and do stuff onthe weekend..ijust dont have the extra money to go places and otherwise, what else is there to do besides shop???
I get depressed on weekends, because like i said i like to get out. My family is not close by and i never see his except on holidays. the few friends ihave are usually busy with their families on weekends.
So here is how i feel: I feel like I have lost myself by putting up with drug use. I have compromised my morals, values and who i am and it makes me feel less than. I do not want to be in a marriage with someone who lies, does drugs, doesnt help out all the time and take responsiblity for things.
But, i feel trapped because of the economy, i cannot get a high paying job, my co-depnedency, etc....but i want to move forward..my codependency is sooo strong....i am going to meetings, reading, making phonecalls to members of my group, going to therapy. I try not to start in with my ah because it wont get me anywhere, and i want to have peace in the house but i have such feelings of resentment because of it.
I just want to be able to tell him that because i have lost myself and because i cannot accept his behavior anymore, that we need to seperate and perhaps get divorced. I know this is what i need to do in order to take care of myself. I know this is a toxic and unhealthy relationship, but becuase of my co-dependency, i cant do it.
Can anyone help me with a plan?? i want to go back to school to become a teacher..special ed...but where is the $$ going to come from for that...we have so much debt, i dont want to take out another loan. where am i going o get the strength to take care of myself?? what can be included in my plan so that i keep moving forward...i know that so many of you have gone through so much, and sometimes i almost wish something bad would happen so that i have no choice in the matter but to get out....
thanks for your help.....
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
You have many reasons why you can't. How about why you can?
If you divorce you can get govt asst for housing, food, medical and school.
There are grants for single mothers.
You can get a divorce through legal aide.
It can be done. I live in Florida. It's up to you to just do it.
If you divorce you can get govt asst for housing, food, medical and school.
There are grants for single mothers.
You can get a divorce through legal aide.
It can be done. I live in Florida. It's up to you to just do it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
I have no ideas for a "plan"...
How about using some of that "free" time on the weekends to get out on your own. Walk. Go to the library and research grants/scholarships, etc. for education. Hobbies of any sort? Start doing your own thing. Obviously easier said than done, but just walking on your own, you'll feel better when you get back - endorphins going, etc. That also helps get the "little gray cells" working better...
Walking is such a little thing, but it's a big thing. When my Dad died, we inherited his dog. We had just moved into our new house in a new neighborhood. I didn't know how to socialize well - same story most of have, but I had to get out every day, multiple times a day to walk the dog. I started meeting neighbors all around us. People got used to seeing me, so eventually we'd stop to chat. Then other people out walking their dogs would walk with me, even people without dogs that were walkers would join up. By the time I left my AH, my home and my neighborhood - I still have all those people as friends. You don't need a dog - just a committment to walk yourself everyday.
My two-cents for a suggestion. Keep doing what you're doing. The meetings, therapy, etc. are helping you - just keep going...
(((hugs)))
How about using some of that "free" time on the weekends to get out on your own. Walk. Go to the library and research grants/scholarships, etc. for education. Hobbies of any sort? Start doing your own thing. Obviously easier said than done, but just walking on your own, you'll feel better when you get back - endorphins going, etc. That also helps get the "little gray cells" working better...
Walking is such a little thing, but it's a big thing. When my Dad died, we inherited his dog. We had just moved into our new house in a new neighborhood. I didn't know how to socialize well - same story most of have, but I had to get out every day, multiple times a day to walk the dog. I started meeting neighbors all around us. People got used to seeing me, so eventually we'd stop to chat. Then other people out walking their dogs would walk with me, even people without dogs that were walkers would join up. By the time I left my AH, my home and my neighborhood - I still have all those people as friends. You don't need a dog - just a committment to walk yourself everyday.
My two-cents for a suggestion. Keep doing what you're doing. The meetings, therapy, etc. are helping you - just keep going...
(((hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
if i got divorced he would have to pay allimony and child support.. he makes good money, and he would have to pay. I just know I cant count on him, because he is an addict. I dont know about these grants..if you already have a degree, which i do, would they still pay for a second degree?? I cant make alot of $$ because i have been a stay at home mom for so long.
So to get back to why I cant...its my codependency...as you can see i make excuses why i cant do it....i am soooooo afraid. I know one day I will get there though...I just know when I am so fed up, I will.....
I just called one of his credit cards and saw that he is starting to use it again. the balance was zero..he is taking out cash advances again...I am NOT going to allow him to pay it off using any of money that belongs to this family. If he does my consequence will be to leave, or tell him to leave. He cannot keep stealing money from the family to support his use. I cannot completely stop him because of the fact that the 401k he has access to and I dont, and also his stock options from work he has access to that and i dont, and his bonus, he can just take that as well.....i cant physically stop him, but i can tell him that if he does do that, I will be done. I pray for strength that i can keep that boundary.
if he wasnt here, what would i do on weekends?? probably what i am doing now...not much.....like i said i have no one to get together with, my kids dont want to go anywhere.....i dont really have hobbies to do, or that im interested in......what do all of you do on the weekends????
Oh, i do take walks...i have 2 dogs....i do talk to some neighbors......but i have this thing were i feel like i have this big secret i am carrying around with me. I know I have done nothing wrong, but i still feel shame.
So to get back to why I cant...its my codependency...as you can see i make excuses why i cant do it....i am soooooo afraid. I know one day I will get there though...I just know when I am so fed up, I will.....
I just called one of his credit cards and saw that he is starting to use it again. the balance was zero..he is taking out cash advances again...I am NOT going to allow him to pay it off using any of money that belongs to this family. If he does my consequence will be to leave, or tell him to leave. He cannot keep stealing money from the family to support his use. I cannot completely stop him because of the fact that the 401k he has access to and I dont, and also his stock options from work he has access to that and i dont, and his bonus, he can just take that as well.....i cant physically stop him, but i can tell him that if he does do that, I will be done. I pray for strength that i can keep that boundary.
if he wasnt here, what would i do on weekends?? probably what i am doing now...not much.....like i said i have no one to get together with, my kids dont want to go anywhere.....i dont really have hobbies to do, or that im interested in......what do all of you do on the weekends????
Oh, i do take walks...i have 2 dogs....i do talk to some neighbors......but i have this thing were i feel like i have this big secret i am carrying around with me. I know I have done nothing wrong, but i still feel shame.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
It seems like you always go back to the reasons why you can't leave. I wish I could help but the hardest thing about recovery (your own, not his) is that it has to be something you believe in. Something you have to want really really bad. Something you go after despite all the odds.
It's about focusing on what you can do. Finding solutions to difficult problems. Not taking no or accepting "I can't" as an answer anymore.
It's about focusing on what you can do. Finding solutions to difficult problems. Not taking no or accepting "I can't" as an answer anymore.
If you think you are beaten, you are;
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you'd like to win, but think you can't
It's almost a cinch you won't.
If you think you'll lose, you've lost,
For out in the world we find
Success beings with a fellow's will;
It's all in the state of mind.
If you think you're outclassed, you are:
You've got to think high to rise.
You've got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.
Life's battles don't always go
To the stronger or faster man,
But soon or late the man who wins
Is the man who thinks he can.
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you'd like to win, but think you can't
It's almost a cinch you won't.
If you think you'll lose, you've lost,
For out in the world we find
Success beings with a fellow's will;
It's all in the state of mind.
If you think you're outclassed, you are:
You've got to think high to rise.
You've got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.
Life's battles don't always go
To the stronger or faster man,
But soon or late the man who wins
Is the man who thinks he can.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
Maybe im just not ready yet, or maybe i have to wait to find clarity in my decision and know that when I am ready I will know I am ready and nothing will stop me. That is what Ive been told...when Im ready I will know and Ill do it.
I understand what you are saying...what i am saying is that it is because of my codependency that i have had for so long that keeps me here. I always look at the why i cant do something, and dont do it...i have never been one to set out to accomplish a goal. I have waited for life to come to me instead of me seeking out life......i want to change, i am trying to change.
I also know that I need to get "MAD" enough...i dont understand why I am not Mad enough to leave...but maybe again that is my codependency at work.
I am asking for help in changing my codependent thinking..i think i will read once again, "Codependent No More".
In addition, i am in my comfort zone and i admit that..i like substitute teaching and know i will have to give it up once im divorced...i like being home for the kids after school and i know id have to give that up too...
i really think it helps hearing others perspectives..it helps me change my stagnant thinking.
I understand what you are saying...what i am saying is that it is because of my codependency that i have had for so long that keeps me here. I always look at the why i cant do something, and dont do it...i have never been one to set out to accomplish a goal. I have waited for life to come to me instead of me seeking out life......i want to change, i am trying to change.
I also know that I need to get "MAD" enough...i dont understand why I am not Mad enough to leave...but maybe again that is my codependency at work.
I am asking for help in changing my codependent thinking..i think i will read once again, "Codependent No More".
In addition, i am in my comfort zone and i admit that..i like substitute teaching and know i will have to give it up once im divorced...i like being home for the kids after school and i know id have to give that up too...
i really think it helps hearing others perspectives..it helps me change my stagnant thinking.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
All I can add is that you have to walk before you run and just because you're not where you want to be yet doesn't mean you're not on your way.
Changing things starts with small steps And keeping a vision of how wonderful like could be helps keep you going.
You might consider doing some things that you might have not considered before or ruled out for wahtever reason - calling social services, women's shelters, etc. to get as much information as you can. Often the process of gathering information is what is needed to find the path best for you. And sometimes it works for me to do the very thing I am least likely to do (like take care of myself and let go of my addict)
Best of Luck to you
Changing things starts with small steps And keeping a vision of how wonderful like could be helps keep you going.
You might consider doing some things that you might have not considered before or ruled out for wahtever reason - calling social services, women's shelters, etc. to get as much information as you can. Often the process of gathering information is what is needed to find the path best for you. And sometimes it works for me to do the very thing I am least likely to do (like take care of myself and let go of my addict)
Best of Luck to you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
Lets say you dont leave cause maybe your just not ready (see timing several days ago posting 12th I think)
No matter what your husband is doing you and your kids can still do everything you want to do and have your own life, go to school, start small ect. DOnt worry about the school loans you dont ahve to pay anything until your done and have low payments stretched for years. Having an already degree doesnt matter either.
Do the things you want to do now, pay less attention to what your husband is or isnt doing and soon youll be ready if the timing is right to leave, or whatever else happens.
BTW-few people without established jobs are making a lot of money or even enough now, dont sweat it, and all the more reason to go to school for something there is a need in
No matter what your husband is doing you and your kids can still do everything you want to do and have your own life, go to school, start small ect. DOnt worry about the school loans you dont ahve to pay anything until your done and have low payments stretched for years. Having an already degree doesnt matter either.
Do the things you want to do now, pay less attention to what your husband is or isnt doing and soon youll be ready if the timing is right to leave, or whatever else happens.
BTW-few people without established jobs are making a lot of money or even enough now, dont sweat it, and all the more reason to go to school for something there is a need in
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
(((DW)))
I agree with TroubledOne - Keep doing what you're doing, and the rest will come.
When you're talking to others - perfect opportunity for "fake it 'til you make it" - ask them how they are, what are they doing, participate in their lives. Everyone likes to feel interesting and it would help to take your mind off of you and your life and help you get engaged with something else... You never know. Baby Steps, keep taking them.
Glad you're working on working on you!!!!
I agree with TroubledOne - Keep doing what you're doing, and the rest will come.
When you're talking to others - perfect opportunity for "fake it 'til you make it" - ask them how they are, what are they doing, participate in their lives. Everyone likes to feel interesting and it would help to take your mind off of you and your life and help you get engaged with something else... You never know. Baby Steps, keep taking them.
Glad you're working on working on you!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Shame --- The greatest obstacle to this learning process is shame. Shame is an excuse to hate ourselves today for something we did or didn’t do in the past. If I feel ashamed, I need a reality check because my thinking is probably distorted. Even though it may take great courage, if I share about it with a friend or support group I will interrupt the self-destructive thoughts and make room for a more loving and nurturing point of view.
What about attending codependency meetings? That seems to be the main reason for all you’re “why you can’t”. Find some of those meetings in your area or a site like this but directed towards codependency.
What about attending codependency meetings? That seems to be the main reason for all you’re “why you can’t”. Find some of those meetings in your area or a site like this but directed towards codependency.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jacksonville, florida
Posts: 341
thanks everyone...
I have thought about going to CODA meetings....i will look into it..and maybe ill call my undergrad school and ask them about getting a teaching degree...
to Chino: I do go to meetings....I love my Monday morning meetings....ihave to try to get to others though as well.
I do have distorted thinking when it comes to feeling ashamed... i have nothing to be ashamed about..im not doing anything wrong....except for staying in a relationship that is toxic.
I dont know why i always focus on why i cant do things....but like i said before i have never followed a plan to get somewhere in my life....it is just who i am and what i am used to ...i know that i need to change that...and so i need to work on it....
I have thought about going to CODA meetings....i will look into it..and maybe ill call my undergrad school and ask them about getting a teaching degree...
to Chino: I do go to meetings....I love my Monday morning meetings....ihave to try to get to others though as well.
I do have distorted thinking when it comes to feeling ashamed... i have nothing to be ashamed about..im not doing anything wrong....except for staying in a relationship that is toxic.
I dont know why i always focus on why i cant do things....but like i said before i have never followed a plan to get somewhere in my life....it is just who i am and what i am used to ...i know that i need to change that...and so i need to work on it....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
As for becoming a special ed teacher...check into alternate licensing arrangements for your state. Go to the state department of Education website to find out the details. Some states allow you to work while getting your license, especially in a area that has teacher shortages, which special ed does. Having another degree would be a plus in a situation like this! Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
i want to change, i am trying to change.
Where do you want to be 5 years from now? What are the steps that will take you there? What's the first step? How will you act on it TODAY?
It's about setting goals and making a plan and then doing the work to required. Doing the work required is the hardest part. But necessary.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
DW.... keep moving forward. It can seem like you are stuck and then all of the sudden... WHAM... unstuck and moving. Still scarey... but you know what is best for you... be brave and do it. I know it is easy to say, but you also know that I did it. You can too if that is what you want. It hurts like, you know what, but at least I know that I am safe and that I am working towards getting sane... be strong hon, and know that you have tons of support.
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