NeedingHelp7

I talked with a lady today, she's been in Alanon many years, stuck it through with her AH, he eventually did get sober, but he has alzheimers now. But anyway she told me during his drinking days if he didn't show up home or to to an important event or took the car and they couldn't go anywhere, she would get mad and tell the children, "oh he's out getting drunk again."

Then she said when she came to Alanon, when her AH did the same things she changed and would tell her children.... "Oh...he's sick."

Is this appropriate to tell the children all the time? AH is not dependable w/ visits, and I'm wondering if it's appropriate to tell him daddy is sick all the time?

NH7

drainedwife

IMO--
I think it depends on the age of your children...but I also think that it may damage their self-esteem to always here that their dad is sick. I am not a professional so i do not want to advise you on this, but i think that maybe you should consult one as this is very important to the well being of your kids.

I know that Naranon encourages you to tell your kids the truth..i just havent gotten the nerve to do so. I am not sure what the right thing to do is, but I think that in time they should know.

ToughChoices

I think that the ages and maturity levels of your children can help dictate your response.
Having said that, it is my opinion that honesty is of utmost importance.
Yes - it is a sickness - but talking about the addiction is vital.

I have a four year-old. His father is a binging alcoholic whose addiction makes him periodically unreachable by phone and generally unavailable as a parent.

We talk about how alcoholism is a disease of the mind. It affects good people and makes them drink things that make them sick. Those drinks make them behave in strange ways, sleep a lot, and sometimes say mean things. It doesn't make any sense! Sometimes Daddy can't be around us because of this sickness. His daddy had it, too! Isn't that sad!

My son seems to do alright with this explanation. He only sees his father when AH is sober and emotionally present, so he benefits from their interaction, and we talk about why daddy can't be here all the time.

I make sure that my son knows he can come to me with any questions at any time. I try to answer them honestly and without harsh judgment of my husband's actions (even when I REALLY disagree with his choices). So far so good!

Best of luck in this difficult time.
-TC

Stubborn1

I have learned that my children do not need to be upset by my husbands actions. I removed my husband from our home. I quit telling them if he was going to come, if he did it was a surprise.
They knew that if daddy had been drinking that I would make him leave even if it made their heart sad.
I did sit down and have a talk about their fathers illness but I chose what I said based on their age.
No child wants to hear a parent is sick, or drinking or in harms way. Instead I asked if they would say prayers with me in hopes that daddy would get better and for Jesus to take care of him"

If he was absent for a period of time I would draw up pictures or letters and send them to the kids so they would think daddy was thinking of them. I would send them emails from dad. I kept their hearts happy and their dad or them knew the difference.

He is finally home and sober now so I can say seven years of prayer are working.

NeedingHelp7

I've heard this before too. Son is six years old, and I don't know how he would understand. I know he's probably heard my conversations and anger w/ dad over his drug use. But I'm hesitant to tell him his dad is a drug addict, and what that all means. When children get older it embarrasses them to have a drug addict father. I'm worried what that would do to his self esteem.

At this point he thinks daddy does no wrong, even though daddy shows for visits late, calls at the last minute to cancel, etc...I know his dad playing us like a puppet on a string, jump when it's convenient for him. Son is already making excuses for dad and sticking up for dad, saying "mommy daddy was sick." Dad said he was sick last Thurs visit (which was already rescheduled from Wed because dad had training.) This Wed dad texted me saying he would make the visit, then 2 hrs later texted and said he was sick and couldn't make the visit. I know the truth could be that either he's abusing drugs that day, or he's coming off drugs that day. Or he's too busy w/ his girlfriend that day.

cmc

There are books for this age group. One is called What's Drunk Mama? that is geared to prekindergarten ages. You can get it through Al-Anon and perhaps it is available elsewhere. Having something in their hand with pictures to look at is helpful for anyone dealing with the painful emotions involved with this disease- regardless of age.

I would rather tell the truth to a child because what they might imagine is going to be full of misinformation and most likely quite negative.

hello-kitty

I think my sons father is sick. With a disease called addiction. So I don't think it is wrong to tell him that.

I tell him "Your daddy is sick. He takes bad drugs that make him sick. When he stops taking the bad drugs he will get better. He loves you and he will see you when he can."

I always add "I love you and I will always take care of you."

My son is three. He doesn't understand what drugs are. He thinks daddy eats bad things. But he's ok with it. It works for his little mind. And it will set the stage for better more mature explanations later on. (I hope.)

Sometimes he tells me "I feel sad. I miss my daddy."

I never know what to say. It breaks my heart. I tell him. That's ok. Lets pray for him that he gets better soon.

Then I tell him I love him and I tickle him or wrestle with him to get his mind off it.

LucyA

I tell my nephew, he's 11, that his dad has a kind of allergy, when he drinks he gets allergic to the drink and it makes him different to how he normally is. I also talk openly and honestly about addiction when it comes up in conversation, as it does because my nephew knows a lot about it, maybe more than I do, he just doesn't want to admit that his own daddy is an addict.
Kids sometimes know more than we think, and sometimes they test us about what we know, or how we deal with it.
The short of it is I always tell my nephew the truth when he asks for it. He deserves that so that he can learn it isn't his fault and that he doesn't need to lie for anyone.

Ann

Six is not too young to talk to them. I was six when my father died and needed someone to let me talk about it and share MY feelings.

Children have feelings too, and confused thoughts. I think it is important to share at an appropriate level and encourage the child to ask questions or talk about it. Children often think it's their fault and that is just so sad.

My prayers go out for all the children here.

Hugs

Impurrfect

My niece understood addiction at a very young age, as her "dad" is an addict. They also learn about this stuff in school, very young, and I'm glad we hadn't sugar-coated his addiction, before she put it together by herself.

We never bad-mouthed her dad, but were honest and she figured out he's unreliable, manipulative, etc. on her own. She's never lived with him, and he's been in/out of jail most of her life, but I'm glad we were honest.

Kids learn things very young. When my niece was 3 or 4, she was putting Barbie in jail and then talking about how she would bond her out. Things a kid that young shouldn't know about. She's 15 now, and remarkably well-adjusted. She has seen addiciton destroy her dad, and watched me struggle through it and work at getting my life back together. She is one of my greatest supporters, and knows she can talk to me about anything.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Callie

I'll bump a post for you that I started, lots of good info in there about what to tell the kids.

NeedingHelp7

Thankyou all for your experienced wisdom...this is the most difficult stuff, because you want to make sure the children aren't scarred for life over the addict, and everything has to be said and done with caution and wisdom w/ the children.

I know I can't sugar coat anything. The judge asked me not to say anything...do you know how hard that is? Family secrets, and lies. I know how that feels, I lived with many of those growing up, and won't carry on that tradition. I respect this judge, but maybe he thinks, as many do "what he don't know won't hurt him."

AH thinks I go around badmouthing him to everyone, and I don't. I speak the truth of how I feel about what he is doing. I speak the truth to friends and older family members. I don't think keeping it hidden is healthly, as AH would like me to do.
AH is a narcotic addict, he's also a cheater, and he's a liar. Is that badmouthing him or speaking the truth. Or should I just tell them he's sick too.
He's on percocet, and xanax again now, the percocet was bad enough, this is a bad, bad combo for him, but prescribed!!!. I have to hear his lies, his slurred and disconnected speech, and try to make son feel okay, when it's bothering me too.

I have badmouthed AH to his face in times of anger, over his addictions and adulteries. Son has probably over heard. This I regret. And I am trying very hard not to. The pain is still sometimes very raw, even when I think I've healed AH gives me something else to resent him for. This is a big struggle.

I want to make things as healthy as possible for our son during this time.
I'm thinking about counseling for son and I. I don't want to say anything the wrong way. I want to put everything across to son as best as possible. At times I need to pull him from a visit if dad looks high, or looks like he's abused drugs. I need to know what to say, instead of daddy's sick. When dad doesn't show up I need to know what to say. Otherwise he's going to grow with disappointments, anger, and frustration. I had to pull son from a visit last Saturday because of the way I was feeling, I was literally shaking, and couldn't stay one more minute around that man. All I knew to say to son was we have to go, and began to walk home.

NH7

NeedingHelp7

This is so true.

This past week something happened to son, that has lead us to such sadness.

I'll start a new thread.