I am in need of understanding and am willing to listen
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Port Hueneme California
Posts: 1
I am in need of understanding and am willing to listen
Hello all,
I have been married for almost 8 years to a buetiful wife and have one 5 year old little girl. About a week ago my wife got very drunk and angry with me. When I wouldnt do what she was asking she ended up kicking me in the head and trying to flail at me. At this point I kicked her out of the house and locked it up. Once she was gone I called the cops and made a report. The next morning she returned still drunk and I informed her in front of my child that she was not welcome in my house.
So with all this going on one of her girlfriends put her in the car and drove her to an AA meeting. She didnt make her go inside but did inform her that if you want to save your family here is a good step. So for the last week I have been living else were and am letting her reside at our house. Oh yea because I didnt want my daughter around my inlaws flew in from florida and took her back with them. So for the last week she has been to 2-3 meetings a day and trying to get herself in order.
I have read some the other posts on here and am just looking for some advice or opinions. I see a counsler twice a week for my own isues and her advice was to let her have all the time she needs to get things on a path that she will understand. She also recomended to me that since we have been married for almost 8 years and would like to continue being married I should still try and stay intimate with her. for example ask her out once a week for a date so that she knows I love her and think she is buetiful.
I am confused because some people are telling me to leave her others are saying that once she is completely involved in AA she wont want to keep our family going because of the rules AA has established. And yet still others are telling me to be that support system she needs and every now and then help forget for a couple of hours a week the emotional stress.
I dont understand and am a little helpless right now. Any input would help.
I have been married for almost 8 years to a buetiful wife and have one 5 year old little girl. About a week ago my wife got very drunk and angry with me. When I wouldnt do what she was asking she ended up kicking me in the head and trying to flail at me. At this point I kicked her out of the house and locked it up. Once she was gone I called the cops and made a report. The next morning she returned still drunk and I informed her in front of my child that she was not welcome in my house.
So with all this going on one of her girlfriends put her in the car and drove her to an AA meeting. She didnt make her go inside but did inform her that if you want to save your family here is a good step. So for the last week I have been living else were and am letting her reside at our house. Oh yea because I didnt want my daughter around my inlaws flew in from florida and took her back with them. So for the last week she has been to 2-3 meetings a day and trying to get herself in order.
I have read some the other posts on here and am just looking for some advice or opinions. I see a counsler twice a week for my own isues and her advice was to let her have all the time she needs to get things on a path that she will understand. She also recomended to me that since we have been married for almost 8 years and would like to continue being married I should still try and stay intimate with her. for example ask her out once a week for a date so that she knows I love her and think she is buetiful.
I am confused because some people are telling me to leave her others are saying that once she is completely involved in AA she wont want to keep our family going because of the rules AA has established. And yet still others are telling me to be that support system she needs and every now and then help forget for a couple of hours a week the emotional stress.
I dont understand and am a little helpless right now. Any input would help.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,503
Hi and Welcome,
I'm glad your wife is seeking help.
I'm not an AA person, but, I don't believe that AA has any established rules that will encourage your wife to leave you and your family. AA will help her to focus on herself and her sobriety. Any recovery program needs the person to focus on her sobriety first and foremost.
It is good that you are seeking help for yourself at this time.
I'm glad your wife is seeking help.
I'm not an AA person, but, I don't believe that AA has any established rules that will encourage your wife to leave you and your family. AA will help her to focus on herself and her sobriety. Any recovery program needs the person to focus on her sobriety first and foremost.
It is good that you are seeking help for yourself at this time.
Black and Yellow
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
Originally Posted by raycpht 
once she is completely involved in AA she wont want to keep our family going because of the rules AA has established.
I have never heard this before.
Welcome to SR!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Hi Ray,
Is this the first time you have become aware of your wifes problem? Does she want you to move back? Do you want to?
AA has no rules against keeping your family going! Whoever said that is way off, lol!
I would advise you to post in this section Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information saying what you have here.
Good luck to you both.
Is this the first time you have become aware of your wifes problem? Does she want you to move back? Do you want to?
AA has no rules against keeping your family going! Whoever said that is way off, lol!
I would advise you to post in this section Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information saying what you have here.
Good luck to you both.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 2,942
...once she is completely involved in AA she wont want to keep our family going because of the rules AA has established.
Completely false.
My own suggestion would be for you to attend a few AA meetings (while she is there or not, simply as a visitor) so you can better understand what REALLY takes place at AA, and understand that no such 'rule' exists. Once you get a better understanding of AA things may become clearer regarding AA.
Just my opinion.
(No, I did not suggest he attend all AA meetings with his wife.
)
Completely false.
My own suggestion would be for you to attend a few AA meetings (while she is there or not, simply as a visitor) so you can better understand what REALLY takes place at AA, and understand that no such 'rule' exists. Once you get a better understanding of AA things may become clearer regarding AA.
Just my opinion.
(No, I did not suggest he attend all AA meetings with his wife.
) Adjusting my Sails
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,021
From the book Alcoholics Anonymous first edition "Working With Others"
NOTE: In this quote the man is the alcoholic and the wife is the spouse of the alcoholic.
It says no rule can be laid down. The decision is between you and your wife. It's nobody's business in AA to tell her what to do about your relationship. AA is about living life sober. We can give you advice on what to do but I wouldn't listen to anyone who is telling me exactly what to do. Having family members and friends tell you to leave her is very very common.
What you can do right now is take care of yourself. Along with the counseling and the forums for family members here you should give Alonon a try. You sound to me like you are doing the right things. I like your councilors advice myself. There are no set rules.
NOTE: In this quote the man is the alcoholic and the wife is the spouse of the alcoholic.
If there be divorce or separation, there should be no undue haste for the couple to get together. The man should be sure of his recovery. The wife should fully understand his new way of life. If their old relationship is to be resumed it must be on a better basis, since the former did not work. This means a new attitude and spirit all around. Sometimes it is to the best interests of all concerned that a couple remain apart. Obviously, no rule can be laid down. Let the alcoholic continue his program day by day. When the time for living together has come, it will be apparent to both parties.
Let no alcoholic say he cannot recover unless he has his family back. This just isn't so. In some cases the wife will never come back for one reason or another. Remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people. It is dependent upon his relationship with God. We have seen men get well whose families have not returned at all. We have seen others slip when the family came back too soon.
Let no alcoholic say he cannot recover unless he has his family back. This just isn't so. In some cases the wife will never come back for one reason or another. Remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people. It is dependent upon his relationship with God. We have seen men get well whose families have not returned at all. We have seen others slip when the family came back too soon.
What you can do right now is take care of yourself. Along with the counseling and the forums for family members here you should give Alonon a try. You sound to me like you are doing the right things. I like your councilors advice myself. There are no set rules.
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Gosh, I just have to say that I think you are doing a wonderful job of handling this very difficult and stressful time in your life.
Your decision to protect your daughter by having her temporarily stay with your in-laws seems very wise. I'm glad they were able to help.
Also, your willingness to seek help for your own growth and wellbeing by seeing a therapist is, in my opinion, a mature and brave thing. Your strength can be a huge factor in helping your marriage survive.
I like the idea of having a weekly date with your wife even if you are separated. And, if she is sober and you feel comfortable, I think it's perfectly reasonable to move back in together. There are no rules about this - like others have said. It's what is between your wife and you that matters here.
As the alcoholic who disrupted my family, I can say that my own experience was that once I really made a committment to my sobriety, I was a very different person. I needed to spend a lot of time working actively on my sobriety - going to meetings, working with my sponsor, logging in here, reading various supportive literature, and generally learning how to be a sober person. But during all of that, I still wanted to be a wife and mother. I didn't want to give up being a wife and mother in order to be sober.
I wish you luck and happiness and strength and all good things. I hope your wife stays sober and that you find ways to be a loving married couple together with your daughter.
Your decision to protect your daughter by having her temporarily stay with your in-laws seems very wise. I'm glad they were able to help.
Also, your willingness to seek help for your own growth and wellbeing by seeing a therapist is, in my opinion, a mature and brave thing. Your strength can be a huge factor in helping your marriage survive.
I like the idea of having a weekly date with your wife even if you are separated. And, if she is sober and you feel comfortable, I think it's perfectly reasonable to move back in together. There are no rules about this - like others have said. It's what is between your wife and you that matters here.
As the alcoholic who disrupted my family, I can say that my own experience was that once I really made a committment to my sobriety, I was a very different person. I needed to spend a lot of time working actively on my sobriety - going to meetings, working with my sponsor, logging in here, reading various supportive literature, and generally learning how to be a sober person. But during all of that, I still wanted to be a wife and mother. I didn't want to give up being a wife and mother in order to be sober.
I wish you luck and happiness and strength and all good things. I hope your wife stays sober and that you find ways to be a loving married couple together with your daughter.
Ph.D in insanity!!
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 698
I really like what mle-sober said.
If she admits she has a problem and honestly wants to recover she will do it with or without you. I'd recommend Al anon for you because there are ways to be with your recovering addict. You can't hold things over thier head, bring up the past, act like you know it all, sweep it all under the rug. If you want to help each other then you'll need to rediscover each other again. This is just a bump in the road.
Times like these will make or break a marriage. If you really love this beautiful woman she may be worth the work.
I've been married eight years and had to have my husband removed due to his drinking. We have been seperated for six to seven years. I did hold out and it was a rough road.........even pure hell at times but I made it and so did he. I had no choice but to back away and leave him be. He found recovery on his own.
We are working on things very slow.
Getting to know each other again might be a good thing as long as you are not each others problem
Please take a look at yourself too, everyone could always use a little work.
If she admits she has a problem and honestly wants to recover she will do it with or without you. I'd recommend Al anon for you because there are ways to be with your recovering addict. You can't hold things over thier head, bring up the past, act like you know it all, sweep it all under the rug. If you want to help each other then you'll need to rediscover each other again. This is just a bump in the road.
Times like these will make or break a marriage. If you really love this beautiful woman she may be worth the work.
I've been married eight years and had to have my husband removed due to his drinking. We have been seperated for six to seven years. I did hold out and it was a rough road.........even pure hell at times but I made it and so did he. I had no choice but to back away and leave him be. He found recovery on his own.
We are working on things very slow.
Getting to know each other again might be a good thing as long as you are not each others problem
Please take a look at yourself too, everyone could always use a little work.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Norfolk, MA
Posts: 792
I also was the alcoholic in my family. When I reached the end of my drinking days, my husband found me a treatment center and stayed at home with the 4 kids-one of them was just 3 months old!
He and I had been married 11 years at that point, and he had seen my drinking progress to an unacceptable level. I didn't drink at home and I didn't drink alone-only socially. However, when I drank, I couldn't stop and my life with him was completely unmanagable.
Now I am 7 years sober, without relapse, and I thank him for the strength he showed me during those early months of sobriety. He allowed me meetings, literature, pretty much free reins to do/buy/anything as long as I felt it would help. He was my rock. I will always be grateful for what he gave me regarding my alcoholism. I wish all spouses had that kind of support.
I say all this because it sounds like you want to be this kind of husband. Not a doormat, but a rock. She's very lucky. Just the fact that you are here shows how much you want for her. And I am so happy about your daughter. It really was the best place for her to feel safe right now.( It sounds to me like you have managed these "incidents" before....)
I guess the one piece of advice I can give you is: Take care of yourself first. The best thing my husband ever said to me in my recovery was, "I always said I'd be there for you. I didn't say I'd always be married to you". It took me aback when he said it but then when I thought about it, I realized for the first time, he was laying boundaries for what he would put up with. That helped us tremendously from then on.
Good Luck. I commend you on your caring and thoughtful post. I have all faith that this can work for you two. Of course, you two must realize that you will become like two new people together. As her sobriety continues, she will emerge more and more a new person. In turn, you will be free to become less of a caretaker and more of a partner.
I wish more people were like you......
He and I had been married 11 years at that point, and he had seen my drinking progress to an unacceptable level. I didn't drink at home and I didn't drink alone-only socially. However, when I drank, I couldn't stop and my life with him was completely unmanagable.
Now I am 7 years sober, without relapse, and I thank him for the strength he showed me during those early months of sobriety. He allowed me meetings, literature, pretty much free reins to do/buy/anything as long as I felt it would help. He was my rock. I will always be grateful for what he gave me regarding my alcoholism. I wish all spouses had that kind of support.
I say all this because it sounds like you want to be this kind of husband. Not a doormat, but a rock. She's very lucky. Just the fact that you are here shows how much you want for her. And I am so happy about your daughter. It really was the best place for her to feel safe right now.( It sounds to me like you have managed these "incidents" before....)
I guess the one piece of advice I can give you is: Take care of yourself first. The best thing my husband ever said to me in my recovery was, "I always said I'd be there for you. I didn't say I'd always be married to you". It took me aback when he said it but then when I thought about it, I realized for the first time, he was laying boundaries for what he would put up with. That helped us tremendously from then on.
Good Luck. I commend you on your caring and thoughtful post. I have all faith that this can work for you two. Of course, you two must realize that you will become like two new people together. As her sobriety continues, she will emerge more and more a new person. In turn, you will be free to become less of a caretaker and more of a partner.
I wish more people were like you......
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
I really can't add anything to what has already been said here...and, it's been said so well.
I got sober through AA...and will be celebrating 29 years of continuous sobriety this week. Of the thousands of meetings I attended until I wasn't able to anymore, I never, ever heard anything so farfetched. These friends/family are no doubt well-meaning, but obviously have no firsthand knowledge of AA.
You seem to be doing all the right things so far. AA meetings for your wife, Al-Anon for you, plus the counseling should help your family to recover from all directions. Good luck and Blessings for a Sober, Happy Holiday Season.
I got sober through AA...and will be celebrating 29 years of continuous sobriety this week. Of the thousands of meetings I attended until I wasn't able to anymore, I never, ever heard anything so farfetched. These friends/family are no doubt well-meaning, but obviously have no firsthand knowledge of AA.
You seem to be doing all the right things so far. AA meetings for your wife, Al-Anon for you, plus the counseling should help your family to recover from all directions. Good luck and Blessings for a Sober, Happy Holiday Season.
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