It's Getting Easier Everytime
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 58
It's Getting Easier Everytime
Just thought I'd throw an update into my situation. Not surprisingly, things have turned around very quickly with my AGF. I have to admit - and the reason I'm posting - is because it IS getting easier each time to detach & let go. So any new folks, keep that in mind. Don't beat yourself up too much for having hope & trying to stick it out time after time. Between all of the reading & posting here, as well as seeing her actions (and holding those more accountable than her words) - little by little, I am becoming stronger, getting my sense of "self" back - and not putting up with it all anymore.
Basically, my AGF & I were split up for the last month or so. A little over a week ago - she decided she wanted to try again. This was after she ran back to her abusive ex. Bad enough, right? Well - I gave it a shot. Unfortunately, my trust in her was zero at this point because she had been fooling around with that ex and some other guy. I hated being suspiscious & not trusting her. But, she broke that trust - and hadn't done anything to rebuild it yet.
So, the other night, she blew off dinner plans we had with another couple (surprise) - and instead - invited "a bunch of people" over to the house after she got off of work (she's a bartender). Shortly after she got there - and everyone started getting their little baggies of coke from the guy that was holding, she realized she forgot her phone at the bar. So - like a good boyfriend, I went and picked it up for her. And...my gut & suspiscions got the best of me. I reviewed the text's in the phone. Saw plenty of "dirty" messages between her & 2 other guys. I was livid. And hurt. But, <sigh> not surprised.
I came back home - gave her the phone, said I had a headache & excused myself from the "partying" and laid down upstairs until everyone left. That "timing" post was helpful in me keeping my cool & thinking things out instead of getting all riled up right then. Come to find out - she got angry with me for not being socialble & not being downstairs with everyone else. Excuse me for not wanting to hang out with a bunch of people I barely know while they want to do blow & get high. Forget having any concern for my not feeling well, right?
Anyway, I maintained the "headache" excuse until yesterday afternoon - when I sent her a text that said "Had more than a headache going on last night. Didn't want to ruin your night or talk while you were high. Would like to talk soon. Not thru phone or txt". I wanted to get everything out on the table - clear the air - and confront her dishonesty/cheating.
So...later that day, I get a txt - says something to the effect of "So what was the problem last night?"; I reiterated, I wanted to talk - and not through phone or texting. Let me know when. Everything else went along as "normal" between us - like there were no problems, the rest of the day. She worked her shift - I played darts and called when done asking if she wanted me to come over. "No - I'm gonna crash". Riiiiight. Did a drive by & saw her one guy friends car there (fellow addict) - kept my cool and went home. Apparently talking about something that was bothering me is low on her list of priorities. Again - no surprise there.
Sent another text saying "You never had to ever lie to me. And you never have to do it again". I don't need it. I decided I was cutting it off. This morning brought new text conversations - where I again reiterated I wanted to talk; I told her I know she has been lieing through her teeth to me - but wouldn't tell her what the lies I knew about were. Said I needed 100% honesty - and for her to come clean. Of course, we all know that won't happen. I held my ground. She is accusing me of playing games and backing her in a corner. Whatever. She put herself in that corner & she is the only one that can get herself out. Went on to say she's not ready to bare her soul to me...I don't own her - so things she may not have told me probably aren't my business...blah blah blah.
I said "Look - you & I know you've been lieing to & deceiving me. Our trust is shot. If you want to rebuild it - then let's talk & get it all out in the open. We have the potential to grow stronger if we can get through this". I know - I'm kidding myself because dishonesty is only 1 part of the addictive lifestyle. So that probably wouldn't be much help to the relationship anyway.
I bet she's just dying to know what lies I've caught her in. Lord knows how many more there are that I don't even know about. Then again - maybe she really just doesn't care one way or another. After all - addicts lie, right? Addicts care only about getting high & when they're going to get high next. I always thought that statement was a bit of a stretch - but not anymore. It really seems to be a constant thing.
I'm cool with things for the most part. I'm a little sad & disappointed - but not like I have been before. I feel good for holding my ground & letting things go. Something tells me she won't try to make good on things this time around either. I actually hope she doesn't. I dont' want to get sucked in during a moment of weakness, again.
Basically, my AGF & I were split up for the last month or so. A little over a week ago - she decided she wanted to try again. This was after she ran back to her abusive ex. Bad enough, right? Well - I gave it a shot. Unfortunately, my trust in her was zero at this point because she had been fooling around with that ex and some other guy. I hated being suspiscious & not trusting her. But, she broke that trust - and hadn't done anything to rebuild it yet.
So, the other night, she blew off dinner plans we had with another couple (surprise) - and instead - invited "a bunch of people" over to the house after she got off of work (she's a bartender). Shortly after she got there - and everyone started getting their little baggies of coke from the guy that was holding, she realized she forgot her phone at the bar. So - like a good boyfriend, I went and picked it up for her. And...my gut & suspiscions got the best of me. I reviewed the text's in the phone. Saw plenty of "dirty" messages between her & 2 other guys. I was livid. And hurt. But, <sigh> not surprised.
I came back home - gave her the phone, said I had a headache & excused myself from the "partying" and laid down upstairs until everyone left. That "timing" post was helpful in me keeping my cool & thinking things out instead of getting all riled up right then. Come to find out - she got angry with me for not being socialble & not being downstairs with everyone else. Excuse me for not wanting to hang out with a bunch of people I barely know while they want to do blow & get high. Forget having any concern for my not feeling well, right?
Anyway, I maintained the "headache" excuse until yesterday afternoon - when I sent her a text that said "Had more than a headache going on last night. Didn't want to ruin your night or talk while you were high. Would like to talk soon. Not thru phone or txt". I wanted to get everything out on the table - clear the air - and confront her dishonesty/cheating.
So...later that day, I get a txt - says something to the effect of "So what was the problem last night?"; I reiterated, I wanted to talk - and not through phone or texting. Let me know when. Everything else went along as "normal" between us - like there were no problems, the rest of the day. She worked her shift - I played darts and called when done asking if she wanted me to come over. "No - I'm gonna crash". Riiiiight. Did a drive by & saw her one guy friends car there (fellow addict) - kept my cool and went home. Apparently talking about something that was bothering me is low on her list of priorities. Again - no surprise there.
Sent another text saying "You never had to ever lie to me. And you never have to do it again". I don't need it. I decided I was cutting it off. This morning brought new text conversations - where I again reiterated I wanted to talk; I told her I know she has been lieing through her teeth to me - but wouldn't tell her what the lies I knew about were. Said I needed 100% honesty - and for her to come clean. Of course, we all know that won't happen. I held my ground. She is accusing me of playing games and backing her in a corner. Whatever. She put herself in that corner & she is the only one that can get herself out. Went on to say she's not ready to bare her soul to me...I don't own her - so things she may not have told me probably aren't my business...blah blah blah.
I said "Look - you & I know you've been lieing to & deceiving me. Our trust is shot. If you want to rebuild it - then let's talk & get it all out in the open. We have the potential to grow stronger if we can get through this". I know - I'm kidding myself because dishonesty is only 1 part of the addictive lifestyle. So that probably wouldn't be much help to the relationship anyway.
I bet she's just dying to know what lies I've caught her in. Lord knows how many more there are that I don't even know about. Then again - maybe she really just doesn't care one way or another. After all - addicts lie, right? Addicts care only about getting high & when they're going to get high next. I always thought that statement was a bit of a stretch - but not anymore. It really seems to be a constant thing.
I'm cool with things for the most part. I'm a little sad & disappointed - but not like I have been before. I feel good for holding my ground & letting things go. Something tells me she won't try to make good on things this time around either. I actually hope she doesn't. I dont' want to get sucked in during a moment of weakness, again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 149
I feel for you. i was going to apologize for being too harsh in my last post, but it was really just remembering all the hurt, and deceit.
keep reading more posts. have you gone to alanon or narc-anon?
or even coda might help a little bit. (im in alanon and go to coda mtgs).
Anyway, i feel for you the chaos, the hurt, the deceit. it is familiar now! i forgot what its like to always question what they say, and have to double guess or check everything.
when i look back at my relationship, i FORGET all the bad. this was a wake up call. i am sorry you are going through it, but i am thankful for the reminder. Just for today, i will remember that i do not need to get back with my alcoholic/addict ex. (its still hard to say not want though). BELIEVE ME when i say that it is HARD to remember all the bad.
Oh yeah, i want to add that marles right. NO CONTACT is the way to go. otherwise youll never exstinguish it. you need time to process the relationship and atleast in my case, work on yourself.
keep reading more posts. have you gone to alanon or narc-anon?
or even coda might help a little bit. (im in alanon and go to coda mtgs).
Anyway, i feel for you the chaos, the hurt, the deceit. it is familiar now! i forgot what its like to always question what they say, and have to double guess or check everything.
when i look back at my relationship, i FORGET all the bad. this was a wake up call. i am sorry you are going through it, but i am thankful for the reminder. Just for today, i will remember that i do not need to get back with my alcoholic/addict ex. (its still hard to say not want though). BELIEVE ME when i say that it is HARD to remember all the bad.
Oh yeah, i want to add that marles right. NO CONTACT is the way to go. otherwise youll never exstinguish it. you need time to process the relationship and atleast in my case, work on yourself.
Last edited by genrs123; 11-13-2008 at 12:13 PM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
A face-to-face meeting with her would only give you more lies. She would be able to raise the stakes and turn the table to make you out to be the bad person. Why even bother. It sounds to me like she doesn't care so it is time for you to cut all contact. Anything further right now is just bound to hurt you. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Ma
Posts: 320
Originally Posted by sknyfats 
After all - addicts lie, right? Addicts care only about getting high & when they're going to get high next. I always thought that statement was a bit of a stretch - but not anymore. It really seems to be a constant thing.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
(((((sknyfats)))))
As much as it hurts, cut your loses and just let her go..
As long as she is still playing on the same playground with the same playthings and the same playmates she will NEVER get clean.
The text messages tell the rest of the story.. not only is she still using but she is probably cheating too.. don't believe it for a minute if she says she isn't.
Bottom line, you can't trust a drug addict. Period.
As much as it hurts, cut your loses and just let her go..
As long as she is still playing on the same playground with the same playthings and the same playmates she will NEVER get clean.
The text messages tell the rest of the story.. not only is she still using but she is probably cheating too.. don't believe it for a minute if she says she isn't.
Bottom line, you can't trust a drug addict. Period.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by genrs123
I feel for you. i was going to apologize for being too harsh in my last post, but it was really just remembering all the hurt, and deceit.
keep reading more posts. have you gone to alanon or narc-anon?
or even coda might help a little bit. (im in alanon and go to coda mtgs).
keep reading more posts. have you gone to alanon or narc-anon?
or even coda might help a little bit. (im in alanon and go to coda mtgs).
No - I haven't made it to an alanon or naranon meeting yet. Ironically, last Friday - I was planning on going - and she showed up & we spent the weekend together. Go figure. Maybe I'll give it a try again tonite...need to do something. Definitely in "sad" mode right now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by jerect
(((((sknyfats)))))
As much as it hurts, cut your loses and just let her go..
As long as she is still playing on the same playground with the same playthings and the same playmates she will NEVER get clean.
The text messages tell the rest of the story.. not only is she still using but she is probably cheating too.. don't believe it for a minute if she says she isn't.
Bottom line, you can't trust a drug addict. Period.
As much as it hurts, cut your loses and just let her go..
As long as she is still playing on the same playground with the same playthings and the same playmates she will NEVER get clean.
The text messages tell the rest of the story.. not only is she still using but she is probably cheating too.. don't believe it for a minute if she says she isn't.
Bottom line, you can't trust a drug addict. Period.
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