Nothing changes if nothing changes....
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 145
Nothing changes if nothing changes....
I feel now as if I am thoroughly stuck between a rock and a hard place. About two weeks ago by boyfriend relapsed. Well, to be honest I cannot even say that because after the conversation we had last night, I’m not sure he was ever sober again. For the first time ever, I am realizing that he isn’t going to change. Like a fool I have continued to think he would, that showing him there is a good life out there if he stopped making such crappy choices would help. I am seeing now that was a pipe dream and I am so very sad. My heart aches.
This goes beyond just the drugs. By the end of the conversation I couldn’t even look at him. I didn’t even know what to say. Last week I was just angry, now I feel very broken. Like a wise woman said to me, nothing changes if nothing changes. I know I need to make changes. I need to make myself healthy so I can figure out the right path to choose. I cannot continue with these highs and lows. It’s not fair to either him or I. Honestly though, it breaks my heart that I feel like I have made a mistake. I just bought a home with him, I moved away from everything I ever knew for him. I’m not a stupid woman, but how could I be so stupid?
I’m sorry, I’m just venting.
This goes beyond just the drugs. By the end of the conversation I couldn’t even look at him. I didn’t even know what to say. Last week I was just angry, now I feel very broken. Like a wise woman said to me, nothing changes if nothing changes. I know I need to make changes. I need to make myself healthy so I can figure out the right path to choose. I cannot continue with these highs and lows. It’s not fair to either him or I. Honestly though, it breaks my heart that I feel like I have made a mistake. I just bought a home with him, I moved away from everything I ever knew for him. I’m not a stupid woman, but how could I be so stupid?
I’m sorry, I’m just venting.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 58
When we take the risk of falling in love with someone - we know that there is the potential for getting hurt if the relationship doesn't work out. And, no matter how many times we may fail at love - most of us still get back up & try again.
I know you feel stupid - but I don't think you are. You followed your heart. Who knew that giving it a go with an addict would turn out to be so much more than what you ever expected? I sure didn't.
You'll get through this - and you'll take away some great lessons & be a stronger & better person because of it all.
The highs & lows suck, that's for sure. I've learned that myself & don't believe I'm going to allow myself to be subjected to that anymore.
Nothing changes if nothing changs is so true. That sad part is - you know things need to change - but he probably doesn't and/or won't for who knows how long.
Don't be sorry for venting. That's why we're all here, right? You sound very smart. You sound like you're on the right path right now. Just keep on doing what you know to be right.
I know you feel stupid - but I don't think you are. You followed your heart. Who knew that giving it a go with an addict would turn out to be so much more than what you ever expected? I sure didn't.
You'll get through this - and you'll take away some great lessons & be a stronger & better person because of it all.
The highs & lows suck, that's for sure. I've learned that myself & don't believe I'm going to allow myself to be subjected to that anymore.
Nothing changes if nothing changs is so true. That sad part is - you know things need to change - but he probably doesn't and/or won't for who knows how long.
Don't be sorry for venting. That's why we're all here, right? You sound very smart. You sound like you're on the right path right now. Just keep on doing what you know to be right.
Finding HOPE...
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: In Love, Tennessee
Posts: 1
I know exactly how you feel... and I do mean EXACTLY. The only exception is that this is my husband. I have gotten to a point where I don't trust anything that comes out of his mouth and not just concerning drugs, but what he had for lunch... did he talk to his Mom today... blah blah blah... He was sober 9 months when we first started dating then picked back up and has been lying about it up until a couple of weeks ago(which in total about 1 year of lies) ...got help & then relapsed again. I love him with all my heart & I know he loves me and that makes it so hard to just walk away. He keeps saying that he hates the pills(hydro & oc's) and hates the life it has given us but his brain will go hay wire & he'll go use again. Does anyone know how to build the trust back in a relationship??
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
(((HeHasMyHeart)))
You won't be able to build trust back into a relationship with an active addict. Read around, you will find many stories of many others who have lived and are living with someone addicted to pills - altho the story is the same for all of us, regardless of the DOC.
Until he is ready to give them up and get recovery, you will continue to get what you have been living with.
Welcome and take a look at the stickies at the top of this forum too.
You won't be able to build trust back into a relationship with an active addict. Read around, you will find many stories of many others who have lived and are living with someone addicted to pills - altho the story is the same for all of us, regardless of the DOC.
Until he is ready to give them up and get recovery, you will continue to get what you have been living with.
Welcome and take a look at the stickies at the top of this forum too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
(((Catecicc)))
You're not stupid.
My AH hid his addiction from me for well over 7 years. He admitted to anyway. Knowing what I know now, I see it's always been part of our relationship. I worked and worked to make our marriage better, stronger, connected, anything ... It never worked. Now I know why - I never had a chance. I wasn't in a relationship with 2 people, I was in a relationship with addiction and addiction trumps everytime.
He tried to get help supposedly, but he didn't want to do it the hard way - the only way - he wanted a quick fix, and when it didn't work, he just went back to doing what he always did and lied about it - to himself and everyone else.
Good for you for seeing and knowing now. Choose you! He's making his choices clear to you.
Sorry you are hurting!
You're not stupid.
My AH hid his addiction from me for well over 7 years. He admitted to anyway. Knowing what I know now, I see it's always been part of our relationship. I worked and worked to make our marriage better, stronger, connected, anything ... It never worked. Now I know why - I never had a chance. I wasn't in a relationship with 2 people, I was in a relationship with addiction and addiction trumps everytime.
He tried to get help supposedly, but he didn't want to do it the hard way - the only way - he wanted a quick fix, and when it didn't work, he just went back to doing what he always did and lied about it - to himself and everyone else.
Good for you for seeing and knowing now. Choose you! He's making his choices clear to you.
Sorry you are hurting!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
Cat,
I just post a thread on pretty much the same thing. I moved to NC from Buffalo with my AH. Away from everyone and everything I knew. His used to drink to excess but then after being fired from his first job out of college (he was 34 went to college late) he started on the pills oxy, percocet,lortab any opiate he could get his hands on. He did go to rehab. Said he was sober for 3 months but was actually smoking crack by then. I kicked him out, he moved back to Buffalo and I was alone here to try to make a life for myself. We stayed in touch the yr and a half he was gone. Told me he was sober for a year. I saw him 3 times that year when I went home for the holidays and last Nov when my 35 yr old sister died. He acted sober and looked sober. Was working two jobs and sending me money. Stupid me let him back. I didn't realize that the same week he got a job and made new connections he was using pills and coke and one time crack almost the entire time he's been back. Now here I am back at the same place I was a yr and a half ago. I feel stupid but most of all I feel used. I'm sick of the lies. I thought we were past that. I kicked him out again and again he creates chaos gets fired from his job and shuffles off to Buffalo, leaving me to take care of it all again. I did it before and I will do it again. It isn't easy, but it can be done. This time I have to maintain no contact and that is the most difficult thing for me to conquer. I don't think we're stupid because we love someone and want to believe in them. But it feels like it at times.
I just post a thread on pretty much the same thing. I moved to NC from Buffalo with my AH. Away from everyone and everything I knew. His used to drink to excess but then after being fired from his first job out of college (he was 34 went to college late) he started on the pills oxy, percocet,lortab any opiate he could get his hands on. He did go to rehab. Said he was sober for 3 months but was actually smoking crack by then. I kicked him out, he moved back to Buffalo and I was alone here to try to make a life for myself. We stayed in touch the yr and a half he was gone. Told me he was sober for a year. I saw him 3 times that year when I went home for the holidays and last Nov when my 35 yr old sister died. He acted sober and looked sober. Was working two jobs and sending me money. Stupid me let him back. I didn't realize that the same week he got a job and made new connections he was using pills and coke and one time crack almost the entire time he's been back. Now here I am back at the same place I was a yr and a half ago. I feel stupid but most of all I feel used. I'm sick of the lies. I thought we were past that. I kicked him out again and again he creates chaos gets fired from his job and shuffles off to Buffalo, leaving me to take care of it all again. I did it before and I will do it again. It isn't easy, but it can be done. This time I have to maintain no contact and that is the most difficult thing for me to conquer. I don't think we're stupid because we love someone and want to believe in them. But it feels like it at times.
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